New Year's Eve 2010

Can you believe we are on the cusp of another new year? Another month of writing the wrong last two digits in our checkbooks is coming our way again.

It's hard to believe that I will spend a whole year without my Dad in 2011. How is this even possible?

I went out to dinner with my Mom earlier this evening. It was somewhat awkward but I think she is trying to thaw the iceberg between us. Although I'm not sure if she sees the iceberg in the way. I know I do.

I am actually going to hang out with some friends tonight, not drinking, but playing some Wii "Just Dance 2" and I will be able to show off my superior dancing skills. Err, rather what I "think" are my superior dancing skills. I'm not sure if my friends know what they are in for yet.

I hope I don't look like Elaine from "Seinfeld"...

I don't really make resolutions but instead I just try to do and be better than I was the day before. I figure that a smile or a kind word costs nothing but can sure brighten someone's day. I may have limited financial resources and sometimes health concerns, but there are still many things I can do to make my life and the lives of others happier.

Wishing you a healthy, happy and safe new year. Bring on 2011!

Cleaning up

I packed away most of the Christmas decorations and such and I feel like a GIANT weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Who knew that cleaning up like that would make me feel lighter and freer?

I also have to admit I found a package that I swore I did NOT receive from Kohl's and that they re-sent some of the items express-wise for Christmas Eve. I have to admit, I don't know how I missed it. Now I need to call them and thank them for all that they did and take my lashings with a wet noodle.

I also took a shower today and that has made me feel more like an actual human, as well. Sometimes I know what I need to do to make myself feel better, but I fight it and don't do it.

Like exercise! When will I get myself back into that routine again?

****Taking a break to call Kohl's****

Okay, back from the call to Kohl's and they were wonderfully nice to me for my honesty. I just wanted to make sure I was charged properly for the expedited shipping and such because it was MY fault about the whole thing. And guess what, they are not going to charge me for the expedited shipping because it has already taken place and I was so honest. That would have been an extra 22 dollars just for shipping three very light items, so I really made out!

Not that I suggest you do what I did, which was NOT taking care of my stuff as it arrived and losing track of it. Then again, with Dad dying and my brother leaving for Afghanistan, I was not wholly in my right mind.

As a complete aside, I made some thank you cards for my students who brought me gifts for Christmas. That felt good getting my craft on again.

Christmas

Well, we all survived Christmas. It was very sad at some points as I missed my Dad terribly.

I feel hollow often because he is no longer on Earth.

I feel empty because my family is no longer what it once was.

I pray that my brother stays safe in Afghanistan.

I also pray that someday my family will reach a new normal that is healthy and happy for ALL of us.

Merry post-Christmas to you.

Almost Christmas

I'm not really into the whole Christmas thing so much with Dad gone and Mom not all that keen on my existence, although she pretty much calls me every day now.

I do NOT call her as that would be too overwhelming for her.

However, it is apparently okay for her to call me once or twice a day. I just play the role of listener number one during the dialogue.

I'm still hurt beyond belief that we cannot all go to mass together and wake up together on Christmas morning. It's a bitter pill to take when you find out that you're the one no one wants around unless it's beneficial for the other party.

Sigh...

Here's wishing you're doing better in this Christmas season.

Mixed up

Some anxiety, check!

Some guilt, check!

Some anger, check!

Some depression, check!

Some nervousness, check!

Thank goodness for pre-planning lessons, deep breaths, blogs, Xanax and plenty of sleep. Good things come to those who wait and I am a-waiting. I'm not much in the Christmas spirit right now due to everything going on with my family.

I still can't get over the fact that staying over on Christmas Eve for midnight mass is such a big problem. There is a whole other room with a bed in it. How much could I possibly put people out?

My heart is heavy and saddened by so many things. I miss my Dad. He was the voice of compromise and reason. Now I no longer have an ally in the house I grew up in.

Less than the best

I am publicly, albeit somewhat anonymously, admitting that I am not perfect. I know that and do not claim to be "all that and a bag of chips".

However, I did not know that it could be pointed out to me once more, yet AGAIN, that I am less than the best. By my mother. Whom I love but I deeply wonder about.

I thought that parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally.

I mean, I know there is the messy adolescent stuff (which is when I suffered from deep depression and hallucinations) but I am generally considered by many to be a decent person, a citizen of good standing, gainfully employed, and for the most part trying to do good in my area of the universe.

The recent falling out with my mother has hurt my heart deeply. I know she is in mourning, grieving the loss of her husband of 35 years.

As mentioned before, my siblings and I tried to do something wonderfully special for my mother. Which she did not want. Instead of just explaining that the gift which we had purchased was too meaningful, too much of a remembrance of my dad, too painful, she and I had a nasty phone conversation. There was a lot of yelling and she eventually just hung up on me.

Three days later she called me back, not to apologize because she saw nothing wrong with her behavior, but because she wanted to now explain why she didn't want the gift. Of course, I pointed out that she could have tried explaining that to me days ago but I was told I was *wrong*. That her personal feelings and thoughts are NOT my business and she will NOT share those things with me.

So instead of just explaining herself with a few sentences that I would have totally understood, she choose to get into "verbal fisticuffs" with me. Because she won't share that she is sad. Because she does not have to explain anything. Because once again I can be her verbal punching bag.

Then to make me feel even less of myself, she told me that I am too much for her. That I ask too much of her. That calling to check on her is overwhelming. That spending time going to church and dinner once a week for two hours can be too much together time.

She tells me this, explaining that it is not to make me feel bad...

Is it to make me feel better, I wonder?

Those of you that know me or have read my story know that my parents and I have had a rough go of it. I am the biggest elephant in the room. The daughter no one wanted but had anyway. The ugly one, the fat one, the one who doesn't look like anyone else but my "other" father who I am not allowed to talk about.

I am tired of being the one who puts forth the effort in this relationship. But this is the dance we dance. She sets me up, I take the bait, she reels me in, punishes me, I feel bad and fall apart. Again and again.

I cannot do this anymore.

My own mother wasn't sure how she felt about me spending the night for Christmas Eve so that my sister, my mother and I could all go to midnight mass. She couldn't commit to me sleeping in the extra room. It might be a day where she can't take me so I made the decision for her.

I won't come.

I cannot continue to try and be where I am not wanted.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

I may be less than the best but I am a damn fine human being and it's too bad that someone who should be able to see that can't be bothered to do so.

Just can't win...

I tried to do something nice for my mother this week. My brother, sister, and I went in on buying a particular gift that my Dad had wanted to purchase for my mom this year for Christmas.

In the end it blew up in my face and I found out that I am just overwhelming my mom. There was a nasty fight on the phone and the typical family byline of "we don't talk about our feelings". Actually, it's just my mom that can't talk about her feelings which would have gone a long way in diffusing the nasty phone call where she hung up on me.

So I am backing off, way off. No more church on Saturdays and calling each night. I'll call once in a while and not worry that she is allowing herself to get sick again. If she doesn't take care of herself that is her choice and she doesn't take care of herself.

It's easier for her to thrive on the drama and to have people feel bad for her.

I just can't do it anymore and have to take care of me for my own self-preservation.

Almost Christmas

There are less than two weeks until Christmas, can you believe it?

Me neither!

Tomorrow is a Monday but I have been to my primary care guy and we upped my Xanax so between that and therapy, it should help me get through the day-by-day grind of the week. My goal is to get through this week with maybe a delay or snow day or, dare I say it, even two delays...

Heavy snows are on the way again for Tuesday and Wednesday.

All my Christmas cards are mailed out but I wish I had time to make some more and send them out to more Facebook pals... Next year I'll start earlier. I have made more than 60 cards this year!

I hope everyone is doing well and dealing well with the upcoming holiday season. Hugs to all who are missing someone this year...

Remembering

Today is the one-month anniversary of my Dad's death. He went into the hospital on November 5th and died on the 8th.

I am not at work again. The anxiety is too much. It reaches into my stomach and pulls everything out until there is just a sick feeling. A feeling that I can't rid myself of and cannot control, one that makes me physically uncomfortable.

I feel safer in my house where no one else can get to me, no one else can see me. I can cry or just curl myself into a ball on the bed, lying motionless.

I am going back to see my trusty and wonderful therapist that I left behind in May. My need for him was over until recently. I must talk to someone about this anxiety.

He is a psychologist not a psychiatrist so he cannot adjust my meds. I feel like I could pop Xanax as if they were sweet tarts. I do not do this, however. More often than not, I forget to medicate myself. My diabetes is currently in charge of my poor pancreas, not me. I need to do better with that. Need to take care of myself all of the time, not just once in a while.

Some days pass quickly, in a blur, and others drag on forever. Sometimes hours are eternities and others mere seconds.

I still feel all the feelings that come with grieving: sadness, anger, guilt, weariness, and selfishness. It's like they have become entities that choose times to do battle with me, when I am peaceful they strike to remind me that no, not everything is okay.

Five years ago, on December 5th I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis so Monday was almost a double whammy. Remembering Dad, remembering that you have MS and stress is not good for it. Meanwhile stress swirls in and out, like a rogue winter wind. Thankfully, the MS has mostly remained under good control. There have been a few bad days where I was just too exhausted and it all caught up with me.

Thank goodness for remission.

Thank goodness for my many friends who continue to support me during this time of adjustment. How do you ever get over the loss? Yet you do, your life moves on, and you must become in charge again.

Thank goodness for the fact that even though there were years of bad blood and resentment, that those days were pushed into the past safely and securely while a new relationship had been building in the present. Therapy and meds have literally saved my life, saved myself from being a victim of all the bad, and turned it all around until I faced everything head on and said, "Okay, this is my best me and I'm not going to take anything less than the best."

Thank goodness for therapy and meds, truly. Without them I would not be here today, sitting in this room, typing out my feelings, tentatively feeling an ounce better than I was when I started this.

Thank goodness for my Dad who used to throw me in the pool over and over forcing me to swim to survive. I now love to swim and that is one of his many gifts to me. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Grief and sadness

Tomorrow is another Monday.

I have a really difficult time with Mondays.

My Dad died on Monday, November 8th at 2:50 p.m. That was the hardest day of my life.

Tonight I am crying and remembering him and that day, how hard it was for my family. How my younger brother fell to his knees weeping after we said goodbye. My brother, over six feet tall, crumpled on the floor sobbing.

How I sit here crying and going through tissues like there's no tomorrow. But there is a tomorrow for me. I know my Dad is with me and wants me to be happy, to not be sad, but that is not easy.

Most of the time I am fine and strong and calm.

And then there are times, like now, when I grieve and am in despair.

Weekend

Saturday came and I did destinkify myself and manage to do some stuff around the house: laundry and working on some envelopes for Christmas cards. I even made it over to my mom's to go to church and then out for dinner. I also did some Just Dance 2 after I arrived back home.

The major snow stayed away for the day.

Today, Sunday, I slept the day away. I also read a little and watched some TV. Other than that, I pretty much did nothing. I picked up the crafting stuff and kind of put it away; okay, I really just bagged it up and put it on the other couch but that's away enough for now.

My mom went out and bought a live tree for Christmas all by herself today. I'm pretty impressed with that. It's making me think about a real tree instead of my old stand-by artificial one. Either way I think I am tempting fate because Edison climbed that tree a LOT last year. He's a lot bigger now and I think he can topple the whole thing over.

No major snow again today. I'm thankful for that and no snow on the week's horizon either, although I do love a good snow day.

I need to really start checking my blood sugars twice a day every day. I have been very lackadaisical about that. I am fairly good at taking my meds even if they do upset my stomach and give me the runs. Sorry for that visual. I'm almost to the point of taking everything every day but I do take a lot of meds for the MS, depression, and diabetes. Sometimes it just seems like too much and I want to just barf because everything going down my throat is pills, pills, pills.

On the bright side, I just heard from a friend I had lost contact with a few years back. So here's to you PK for a phone call that made my evening. It's so good to be back in touch again. Take care of you and that pneumonia!

Now it's time for more pills to get myself ready for bedtime. I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving and enjoyed time with family and friends.

Post-turkey rundown

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I went over to my mom's and brought the pre-prepared turkey dinner with the trimmings with me. We talked to both my siblings on Skype at the same time and it was *almost* like we were all together.

Of course, we missed Dad.

It still feels like he is around when I am at their house. There are pictures of him in the dining room and his spirit seemed to be with us while we ate. I liked that.

Did I mention that I miss him?

I know lots of people went out shopping today for sales items. I surfed online and bought a lot of stuff from Kohl's. Some stuff for me (okay, lots of stuff for me) and some things for others too. It was free shipping with an extra 15% off the sales prices so I just shopped from my comfy living room in my comfy pajamas.

I never did manage to throw myself into the shower today. I promise to destinkify myself tomorrow. I may even work on stamping some holiday cards. It's supposed to snow a lot here overnight and into Saturday. This will be the first major snowfall for my area.

I still miss my Dad.

Sweet bliss of nothingness

I had absolutely nothing I HAD to do today even though I did run some errands. I finally made it to the grocery store and I went to Wal-Mart twice. I managed a nap this afternoon with Edison the wonder kitty.

It was nice to just be, to exist, to live with no expectations from anyone.

I even got myself up off my ample buttocks and spent an hour Just Dancing this evening.

I miss my Dad but I am trying to take care of me, along with taking care of my mom.

Happy Turkey Day eve, friends. :)

Vacation, yes!

I went to work today and made it through okay. I woke up feeling much better than yesterday, without spaghetti legs and the dizziness and wobblies.

Now I have five blissful, beautiful days off for Thanksgiving vacation. Not that I plan on doing much of anything other than sleeping and reading, with some occasional eating thrown in for good measure.

I ordered a turkey dinner with the trimmings for my mom and me to enjoy on Thursday. I just need to pick it up from the grocery store and heft it over to my mom's house. It's all cooked and we just need to reheat it and then I can bring home lots of leftovers.

I hate to say this but another blogger, Mike, just lost his Dad on the 13th. Mike and I both have diabetes and MS and now share the loss of our dads. Too many things in common for now.

I am also praying for my other friends who have lost their dads, especially BJM and Annie, a friend from work who also just lost her dad this month. Ann and I had a nice telephone chat this evening as I reached out to let her know I was thinking about her.

The losing-a-parent club sucks.

Taking care of myself

I did not go to work today.

When I awoke I was so tired and so dizzy and wobbly that I knew today was just going to be a day for me, a day to take care of myself. My MS and diabetes have been rearing their heads while I have been going through these stressful last few weeks. I have been so very tired on every level.

Tomorrow is the last day of work for the week. I should go in and do my thing but I am going to wait and see how I feel tomorrow. It was all I could do to make the drive to work this morning without drifting off the road. I had slept all night but I am literally on the edge of exhaustion.

Exhaustion with multiple sclerosis is a crazy thing. It's hard to explain to people without MS. It's just such an all-encompassing tiredness, one that every cell feels. Sometimes it is just too much effort to even move. That's part of the reason why when I came home from work (to drop off my plans) I went back to sleep and slept until after three o'clock in the afternoon.

The thing is I am still tired now but I am going to order myself some dinner/lunch. Then maybe I'll take another nap. It's time to take good care of me so I can continue to take care of my family, friends, and students.

Two weeks, still breathing

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my Dad died.

I have gone back to work and worked four days last week. This week I will work two more days and then have five days off for Thanksgiving break.

Sometimes it is easier than in other moments.

Thanksgiving will be difficult. It will be just my Mom and me. I have ordered a precooked turkey dinner with the fixings for the two of us. I will miss my Dad carving the turkey and sitting at the end of the table. I will miss my brother, who left today for Afghanistan, and my sister, who left last Sunday to go back to Ft. Campbell.

My Mom adopted a little kitten on Friday. His name is Theodore or Teddy Bear. He's adorable and loves my Mom already. I am glad to hear that he purrs loudly and sleeps on the bed with her.

I am grateful my brother had security hooked up for my Mom's house. It will be hard for her tonight, the first night alone without my Dad or my siblings in the house. I am grateful for Teddy being with my Mom tonight.

I am thankful for my supportive friends, especially BJM who unfortunately knows these waters herself after losing her dad four years ago.

I am thankful for all my wonderful students who have missed me and told me so.

I am thankful for many things in my life even during this time of sorrow.

I miss you Daddy.

It's been a week...

It has now been one week since my Dad died last Monday at 2:50 p.m. How can it be one whole week already?

I took today off as a personal day to sleep and rest. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't really want to do that. Of course, life goes on and I have to get on with life. I'd rather just stay in my apartment or be with my family or sleep. I don't really want to talk to a lot of people or be around people who know. I just want to wallow in a cocoon of sadness until I am ready to be sociable again.

So many people have been kind and have given me good advice. I am grateful for every one of them. It is true what they have written, that I will want to stop the world from spinning while I go through this incredibly personal time of grieving. I don't want other people to be laughing unless I am laughing with them.

This time last year was about when Franklin got sick and had to be put down. I miss him all the time. How do I deal with the loss of a parent if I am still not over my beloved pet? (As an aside, I do love you, Edison.)

How do I take some of the pain away from my Mom?

How do I keep on breathing when my Dad can no longer do that on Earth?

How, how, how?

Breathing in and out

My mom's brother leaves today to return to Minnesota. My sister leaves tonight to return to Fort Campbell. My brother is here through next Sunday. That leaves me and my mom to stay here in this place where there is no longer my Dad on this Earthly plain.

For now I focus on breathing in and out and taking one step at a time.

I slept fairly well last night and feel much better today. I am toying with the idea of taking Monday off to sleep and rest up for the long week ahead with parent-teacher conferences.

It is odd to think that we have buried my dad. His spirit is still strong in their house. I wonder when the full magnitude of his loss will hit me...

People have been extraordinarily kind during this past week. Cards, visits, food, coming to the calling hours and the funeral, and kind words/messages in real life and on Facebook. I have been blessed and showered in an outpouring of love.

It feels weird to write but somehow I still consider myself a lucky woman.

The day of...

Today was my Dad's funeral. It's been a surreal experience, beginning with him becoming ill last Friday to today when he was placed in the ground. This business of losing a parent and grieving them exacts a heavy toll.

I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I feel like I could sleep for a week. Maybe I will...

A letter to my Dad

Dad,

This isn't what we had planned to be doing today but life happened. Instead we will be burying you this week.

I don't know if you remember this but when I was much younger, in elementary school, I wrote a poem and showed it to you. You liked it and took it down to the Independent-Mirror and they published it.

You don't know this, although maybe you do now that you're in Heaven, but I am still a writer. I am a lax writer, but one nonetheless. I have a blog that has had over twenty thousand hits. People actually read what I write. You encouraged me to do that, by starting so many years ago with that poem.

I remember the year that you and Mom bought me ice skates for Christmas. I was very young and we lived in the trailer. I wanted a pair of skates desperately and you made sure that they were under the tree. I never used those skates but you got them for me anyway. It was a wish fulfilled...

I remember turtle tongue and I still will not eat cube steak today.

I remember spaghetti and meatballs, my favorite meal that you made.

I remember driving and taking the corner by Beck's on two wheels, almost ripping your staples out.

I remember the rough times where we bickered and fought constantly but I am grateful for the years we had after where you allowed me to grow into the person I am now.

I remember my own Christmas cards from you on the tree. I remember your distinctive handwriting. I will miss it.

I will miss teasing you about being a gambleaholic.

I will miss hearing you tell me about your poker winnings.

I will miss your voice on the telephone when I call Mom.

I will miss your hugs when I leave the house on holidays.

I will miss you in so many ways along with so many other people. I have heard about your many special qualities from people on Facebook and the many things you did to help people.

You were our social butterfly, our enraged driver at times, our voice of reason when we were worried about what Mom would think.

You were our miracle man, living far beyond what was expected.

Now it is time for you to experience the glory and splendor of heaven. You can be with Uncle Johnny and Grandma and Grandpa again. There will be no more pain for you and you will watch over us from above. Please know that I will take care of Mom and help her adjust to a life without you here on Earth.

With all my love,
Julia

Anxiety

Do you ever feel anxious? I have been feeling that way much more lately and it's bothering me. Work is sometimes glorious and sometimes horrible. The horrible part is what I fixate on and how I usually end my day. I hate that I let the awful overrule the goodness. Is that just human nature or what?

It makes me feel weak to admit that some things at work are getting to me. I am usually the one who is strong and in control of everything. I fight MS and diabetes and do it my own way, on my own terms.

I am normally not afraid but I am feeling uneasy about things and I don't like that. Not one bit...

The good with the bad

Yesterday was a great day to have off for a doctor and a Tysabri appointment. It was a lovely Fall day and I had a pleasant ride to and from both appointments. Nothing to really report on the MS front but the bad news is that my guy is leaving the practice in two weeks. Major bummer.

I'll be moved over to the existing neurologist but I don't really understand him well when he speaks. I guess I'll just need to focus really hard when I see him from now on. The other new neuro coming in knows nothing about Tysabri so she isn't an option for me, according to my guy.

Yesterday was also my 2 year anniversary of Tysabri infusions. I was grading papers when I looked down and saw that my IV had come undone and blood was gushing out all over the floor and my hand. It was very messy but my white sweatshirt came out unscathed somehow.

I tried to pay my Tysabri bill but it was all messed up yet again. I just had received a bill for 1800 dollars and some change a few weeks back. I supposedly owe less than five hundred dollars but every time I call I get another story. So I try to pay yesterday and they tell me there is no balance. Go figure.

Oh, and I don't have the antibodies for the JC virus. Yippee.

Work today was okay. It was work but I came home and cleaned up a bit to be prepared for next Friday's 2nd annual Just Dance Extravaganza at my place. I need to have these social events a few times a year so that my apartment gets weeded out.

It's all good in the end.

A little bit fraudulent

I posted my A1C and glucose levels yesterday. They're much better than I thought they would be and I am delighted about that. But I must come clean...

Sometimes, often times, I take my blood sugar when I know it will be low so I can record it. I have been a little bit fraudulent with my readings therefore but I am overall doing much better than I ever thought, as evidenced by the A1C. You can't fake that as it is the the last three months worth of readings averaged out.

So here I am trying to cut down on my carbs at night and starting on a new diabetes med called Victoza. Victoza is a daily shot, not insulin, but another new med that works with the pancreas. I am no longer on Actos and I have been on this new med for a little over a week now. It has a side effect of weight loss and I think I am eating less on it, even though I have been dealing with major hormones the last few days. Losing weight and pulling lower numbers at all times would be a great thing for me to do.

I am also slowly getting back into using my Wii. I have been dancing and boxing a few days a week. Way better than my doing nothing. I still need to lose about ten pounds to get back to my lower weight (and then keep going from there).

Work is going well even with one stressful class. I seem to be doing okay with the major change in grades and learning all 100+ kiddos. I am healthy and happy and thriving even with the new obstacles.

I guess I'll keep on keeping on!

Good news

New A1C results are in: went from a 10.2 to a 7.5 in less than three months and an average glucose of 300 to 162. I am super pleased with those numbers; they're better than I thought they would be!

Also, my eighth period class was tolerable today and I am now free to relax and enjoy the next three days off from work. Woot woot!

Lunch out and some shopping tomorrow with BJM to spend time together and to give her her presents. I hope she likes them. :)

Box it out

That's what BJM said to me earlier this evening on the phone when I was commenting about the stress that I was feeling. Maybe you should go box it out. So I did and by golly, that woman is on to something. I feel so much better and more positive.

Tomorrow is Friday which means a three-day weekend and an extra day of rest.

Booyah.

Pardon the dust

I wish I could say that the blog has been under renovation and that's why I have been away but alas that is not the case. I've just been plain old busy, sometimes lazy, and occasionally playing hooky at the same time. I beg your forgiveness for my slothful ways.

Back to the telling of the birthday bonanza weekend...

Saturday was a bust with my big surprise and not being able to scrapbook. Sunday was much better because my bestie BJM took me out to dinner with her family. I also got a totally awesome gift from BJM and a lovely card. The gift was a beautiful necklace from Tiffany and Co. complete with the blue box! Talk about a surprise. Woot woot!

Monday came and with it my birthday lunch at work. That was okay but my parents came over after work for the real big surprise delivery. We sat for 90 minutes waiting and finally the gift arrived. It was a gorgeous leather sofa in Seattle coffee bean brown. It was somewhat on my radar but I was thinking maybe a recliner, not a whole sofa. I was delighted and shocked.

Tuesday came with two more gifts from my sis in Afghanistan: a gift card to Kohl's and a set of margarita glasses. And then, as quickly as it had come, the birthday hoopla was over.

Whew, 40 is great.

Work is going well although I am letting my last class stress me out. All the other classes are good to great. The last class has some wonderful children in it and then some that are not so wonderful. The last handful of non-wonderful ones are making me stressed out. A girl with MS doesn't need that. Hey, a girl without MS doesn't need that. No one needs that.

Deep sigh! I need to start exercising and doing yoga again. I need that release of tension and endorphins. So off I go...

My birthday weekend

I have been missing the blog but I have been so busy this week that there hasn't been much time left over for writing. The middle to the end of the week was busy with Wednesday's Tysabri infusion in the afternoon, Thursday night's visit to see some retired friends and then the Meet the Teachers' Barbecue, and Friday started the beginning of my birthday weekend extravaganza.

Friday was a long day filled with three fire drills (with a blocked entrance), my yearly observation by the principal (which went superbly), and a delivery of lovely flowers from my sister who is in the Army in Afghanistan. Then I had the pleasure of being treated to dinner out by some friends who happen to own a fantastic hair salon. It was a new place to me with fabulous food. We were allowed to bring in some sangria and a chocolate oreo cheesecake for dessert. Michael Buble' also played several times on their sound system so I was in heaven with all that and some presents going on!

Today was a bit of a bust. I had had plans to go scrapbooking with my pal BJM all day for many months. Then about a month ago my mother called up and told me that I HAD to CANCEL my plans so I would be home on Saturday. I was none too pleased with this but she insisted because "something" was supposed to be delivered on Saturday that my father had to pay for on delivery. She even told me that she would call BJM herself and tell her I was not coming. So I did what I was told even though I already had made plans months in advance and my friend could not get the money back for my not showing up. (It was her present to me and something I was looking forward to for a long time.)

Regardless, I was now supposed to be home on Saturday. The delivery people were SUPPOSED to call and give me a delivery time on Friday. NO call. My parents finally got ahold of someone this morning and found out that there are NEVER deliveries on the weekend! Talk about being steamed... I REALLY wanted to go scrapbooking all day and I gave it up for nothing. Now the delivery is coming on Monday after work which is what I asked my parents to do in the first place but my mother MADE me give up my plans because she said there was no way they could change it.

Alas, I did many chores today and had a monumental nap. BJM went scrapbooking with another friend, in lieu of me, and when we talked on the phone she said it was a great place to be scrapping. We are planning on going in January when no one we know has a birthday.

Sunday I will go out for lunch with BJM and her mom as my actual birthday day is the same as the anniversary of her parents. Her dad is no longer alive so we will work on keeping her mom's spirits up. And she bought me a present!

I will be 40 tomorrow and I am so excited. I am fairly healthy, besides the being obese part, I am happy with work, I have great friends and a family that means well, and I have Edison the cat. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Monday brings a shared birthday lunch with another 6th grade teacher and my delivery of the mystery object. It had better be good and not be a stair stepper or something weird that I have no interest in. Heck, I deserve something nice after losing out on today.

Happy last day of being 39 to me!

Monday, Monday

Another Monday down and many, many more work weeks to go! It's good to have a purpose and a passion in life. It's also good to be getting a paycheck again. A single gal has to pay the bills still, you know.

I'm trying to cut down on the carbo-loading after work. It's a struggle because I come home so hungry and I can't wait to get something in my gullet. I did exercise tonight with my Just Dance and my back is feeling better. I also started working on my lesson plans for my yearly observation this Friday.

I have a half day off on Wednesday for my Tysabri infusion. Thursday night is Meet the Teachers' Night and a Family BBQ from 5:30-7:30. Friday night is dinner out with friends for an early birthday celebration. On Saturday my parents are having something delivered as a birthday present. And Sunday is the big event itself, the 4-0! I may even go out again on Sunday with BJM if I can stay awake long enough.

I'm excited about turning 40 because I am fairly healthy, have some great friends, am gainfully employed, and I'm on the right side of the dirt!

"I will survive, hey hey." Great words from an old song but words that ring true. I made it through the whole first full week of work. Yippee. By Friday I was tired and limped through the day but I survived.

I am so proud of me for that!

I am making it up as I go along as far as what I want the class to be. There may be more changes as I trudge along in the trenches but that's okay. I have that flexibility in my position. I am getting used to the schedule and some days the day is over before I can even believe it. Then again, some days certain periods drag. It's all good though.

I'm healthy and happy and energized through my Provigil. That stuff is my miracle because without it there is no way I would be able to function well enough to work. I do not take it on the weekends unless there is something special that I have to attend to that needs me awake. That means I sleep the weekend away basically. Today, for example, I woke up around six and felt energetic. I went to the kitchen to chop up veggies for a beef stew and then went shopping around seven a.m. After that was done I put the groceries away and had a carb-filled breakfast (a no no). It wasn't nine yet but I was sleepy so I went up to take a snooze.

The snooze lasted until 1:40!

I stayed up for about 30 minutes and then felt sleepy again. Back to bed I went and I was out until 5:40! I basically slept my day away but my body needed it. That's how strong my fatigue is even though I am now sleeping through the night. I live in a bubble of exhaustion.

But the point is I am living and thriving, even if it is better living through pharmaceuticals.

More good words to live by...

1.) Don't sweat the small stuff.

2.) It's all small stuff.

(Provided from another source)

Not my words but good ones nonetheless...

You are more than food.

You are stronger than a craving.

You are more complicated than a habit.

You're more thoughtful than mindless eating.

(Provided to me from a friend who saw this in a magazine)

Fatigue

I took yesterday off from blogging because of my crazy fatigue from going back to work. I had a great nap after I came home from work. I survived the first week back, just 39 more weeks to go! LOL

I was so tired today that I slept past nine in the morning and took two naps. This going-back-to-work thing takes a lot of energy. I am taking my Provigil to keep me awake and alert and that helps during the day. My blood sugars have been great for lunch and breakfast but I feel like I am carbo loading at dinner time. I'm not eating enough during the day so when I get home I am starving and eat everything in sight. Okay, not everything but my choices are not always the best.

I go to see my primary care provider this week, the next week is my Tysabri infusion, and the next week is an appointment with the diabetes nurse educator for the second time. I'll be at the neurologist's two weeks after the DNE. I'm making the rounds of all my health care providers so I should be in top top shape in a month or so!

I'll be starting the Victoza when I go to see the DNE at the end of the month. The daily shot doesn't bother me, especially after being on Copaxone. I just don't want to be on insulin unless I absolutely have to be and right now I don't think that is the right avenue for me.

I have not exercised formally for three days now. My back spasms are getting better, fewer and farther in between. I do have a new Wii game that just arrived today. It's the Gold's Gym Dance Workout. It has lots of the dances from Zumba on it so maybe I'll get more booty and hip shaking when I do it.

Tomorrow I have to firm up my plans for the next week at work. Monday through Wednesday I teach English Language Arts and Thursday and Friday are Math days. I play math games daily during 9th period on a rotating basis with different classes. I think I may start a novel on Monday.

Oh how life has changed now that vacation is over! It's a good, positive change though and I'm glad to be productive and busy again.

Happy weekend everybody. :)

Tired

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I am also so glad tomorrow is Friday and the end of my work week. My feet hurt a little, my back is spasming now and then, but I am teaching and doing well at it if I say so myself.

Maybe I'll have more insight and energy come this weekend. Until then I send you good, healthy and happy vibes.

Updates

I finally got to speak with the diabetes nurse educator this evening. We agreed that I should stop the Actos due to the weight gain (15 pounds). I will be starting a new medication called Victoza which is a daily shot, but it is not insulin. One of the side effects is weight LOSS (yippee!). I won't start that until the end of the month when I go back to see the diabetes nurse educator in person.

School went well, better than I probably expected. I made it through the day and no one got lost between all the switching for classes. Tomorrow we do some real work and that will separate the wheat from the chaff. I'm hoping that my enthusiasm will help to motivate everyone else to at least attempt the math problems I'll be tossing their way.

I also slept through the night again, until 4 a.m. Then I was up and puttering around on Facebook before I did my Zumba and Just Dance. It's nice to get the exercise done before work even though I have had lots of energy afterwards. The Provigil is definitely doing its job in keeping me awake and alert.

That's it for now. Night all!

Back to school

Okay, I went to work today for some meetings in the morning and then I worked in my classroom. It looks good in there after many, many hours of hard labor. I think I am ready for tomorrow when the kiddos come. I have my ninety dollars of copies made, flash cards, and lots of stuff to talk about for our forty-two minute periods.

I'm nervous but excited too. I hope to sleep through the night again (like last night!) and wake up with the same eagerness as today. I'll be taking my Provigil in the morning, eating a light breakfast and hoping I make it to lunch okay without my sugar dropping through the floor.

I also need to call the diabetes nurse educator again because we didn't connect today. My weight gain needs to be discussed *and* dealt with. I'm working really hard to get my diabetes under control and it's frustrating to see my weight balloon like crazy when my eating habits are improving so much.

That's it for now. Here's hoping I can share some more enthusiasm tomorrow...

Pieces and bits

Tomorrow is the first day of the new school year. We have meetings in the morning, a free luncheon, and then time to work in our classrooms. Mine is in great shape from all the time I put in last week and the week before with BJM's help. (Thanks again BFF!)

Today I went to Wal-Mart for a few more school supplies and some school snacks. After that I went to Staples to get copies made. I thought I'd splurge and have them made for me so I didn't have to wait forever at the copy machine. I thought the whole shebang would cost around twenty dollars. Not so much.

When the cashier rang me up it cost ninety dollars for the copies. Ninety bucks! Can you imagine? I never thought to ask about the price per copy but it was eighty cents each. That boggles my mind. Live and learn.

Yesterday I ordered two new Wii workout games: the new Just Dance 2 which is coming out on October 12 and the Gold's Gym Dance Workout. I have also heard that there is a Zumba Wii game coming out in a few months that I will keep my eye on. Look at me choosing to purchase things that are healthy for me!

Sending this to print now because I am sleepy and thinking about heading to bed early because I have to get up with the alarm tomorrow morning. Nighty night!

Feeling....

Okay, I just lost my post so I am feeling ticked off. Sigh, I'll try again tomorrow.

Better

Blood sugar readings today were much better. Whew! Now I can breathe a sigh of relief. Tomorrow will just have to be another repeat of today and then so on. I will get my diabetes under control. I AM getting my diabetes under control.

I did get lots of sleep today which was delicious in its own right. I also exercised with my Wii and Just Danced for 40 minutes. I got the car's headlight changed and then went to the movies afterward. I saw the new Drew Barrymore/Justin Long movie "Going the Distance". Sadly, I wouldn't give it much of a review. I didn't care for the gratuitous use of the F-word and the sexual jokes much. I'm not a prude by any means but this movie just didn't work for me.

I think I may be going to see George Clooney's "The American" tomorrow. The ratings for that weren't stellar but at least he's eye candy for me. Better eye candy than real candy.

School is coming in a matter of days. I need to have some copies run at Staples because I forgot my copier number at school. I need some stuff for the first few days to tide me over until I get my number emailed to me again. I'm still nervous about work but it's a little late for the full-on freak-out to happen. I'm teaching a new grade and that's that. Keep me in your thoughts come Wednesday, please!

All around a much better day today, even if my jeans were tight!

Blank

What to write about, what to write about? I'm a little blank on a specific topic although I will admit that I am mad at myself for doing some pre-marathon carb loading without a marathon in sight.

My blood sugar numbers were phenomenal yesterday. Then this morning I went shopping at 4 a.m. I was picking out some delicious looking tomatoes when I saw the biggest glazed donut. Ever.

And then I walked over and bagged it to take home and eat.

That's not even the worst of it. I also bought potato chips, buy one get one free. What in Hades was I thinking? I am a food addict and I had just bought my drugs for the day. My carb hit came quick and fast when I got home. In went the donut, in went potato chips. Up went my glucose.

Stupid, stupid, stupid move.

I am so disappointed in myself for throwing the previous day's hard work right out the door. And it was hard work as I really limited my carbs and made conscious choices to eat more protein. This diabetes thing is not easy. I thought I would have it licked by now. I stopped eating dinner out almost all the time, cut out the frappes, and even stopped the Dunkin' Donut runs. I am working out about 5 days a week. I have started cooking more healthy meals in my crock pot. I have to watch each thing I put in my mouth.

Some days the numbers are great and some days they stink.

I need to keep at this and not let my mind go blank when I make food choices. I do not want to be on insulin. I want to get this diabetes under my control. I cannot control my MS but I can put forth 100% effort to do everything I can to beat back diabetes.

Something revolutionary

I just learned something new, something life-changing from my friend BJM tonight. They apparently make these things called liners for crock pots aka slow cookers!

Who knew?

Not me and now I am giddy with anticipation at purchasing them and, even better, using them in my crock pot. Those of you who are my FB pals know I use the crock pot a lot, usually at least 2-3 times a week. That's a lot for a single gal who eschews making her own dinner.

Now I can clean even less than I already do! Woohoo...

In other news my diabetes nurse educator has told me that my glucose levels have to get low and stay low or she is putting me on insulin in a few weeks. I absolutely don't want that so I have taken my bagel out of my morning line-up. I am convinced that I can get my numbers down lower and I will accomplish this come Hades or high water from Hurricane Earl.

I am also almost done with my classroom. I have emptied all my boxes and all the boxes I inherited from my friend who has retired. Now I just have to sort through some more stuff and put it away. My SMART board is up and my computer is now attached to my printer in my room. I have my homeroom list and I'm delighted to say that I have several students from last year in my first class. I still need to actually plan what I am going to teach the first week but procrastination is the mother of invention or something like that.

I think I may actually spoil myself and go to the movies twice this long weekend. I am interested in George Clooney (who isn't?) and his new thriller along with Drew Barrymore's romantic comedy.

I am also considering joining a gym! We have a Planet Fitness opening up in October in my little town and they have a great joining offer. I'd like to get some ideas about training my portly little body (yes, I know that was an oxymoron). I love my Zumba but I know weight training is also important in keeping bones healthy and strong. Cross training wouldn't hurt my bod either.

I guess that's enough for now. Night all!
Weebs

The battle

It feels as if my body is doing battle each day. Food vs. no food, exercise vs. rest, sleep vs. waking hours. I'm always making decisions about my poor body and not always for the best.

Right now I am literaly exhausted but I just woke up. How can that be? Because I was up early AGAIN, my sleep was interrupted around three in the morning, as it always is. Right now I cannot even summon the energy for a deep breath. Typing takes total focus but I feel my eyes trying to shut.

I live in the early part of the day like this. I am so tired, so worn out, and yet I cannot get enough rest. Even my last dream of the morning featured me on the beach, pockets filled with sand, buried in the sand, sick and unable to move.

When school starts next week the battle will ramp itself up. I will take my Provigil to fight the exhaustion but I need to start sleeping all night. I cannot function like this when I have to work; heck, I can't function like this when I don't have to work.

Every day is also an exercise battle. Should I or shouldn't I? I know I should but will I actually do it? I tend to work out in the evening after dinner to help lower my blood sugar. That's a good thing, a great thing, but this morning I can barely take that deep breath. It's as if working out has left me drained later on.

I will, however, drag my behind in to work later this morning. I have some more boxes to go through and filing cabinets to empty out. I have lunch scheduled with a friend. I also need to call the diabetes nurse again with my latest blood sugar readings.

I will do what I need to do and hope my body will help take care of what is left.

Sneaking

I recently started corresponding with a new friend about food issues via email. In the course of our conversation it brought up this memory about sneaking food.

I remember a time from my childhood where I snuck some food because I felt I needed it. It was as if there were some magnetic draw between myself and the food. I had to have it.

I was probably a tween and it was definitely summer. I remember wearing shorts, remember sitting at the kitchen table, remember it being the weekend. My mother was making lasagna and had taken a brick of mozzarella and shredded it by hand with a grater.

She left the room and the fresh pile of cheese behind. I got up to eat a little bit, stuffing it into my mouth quickly. Then I went back for more.

My father came charging into the kitchen questioning me about the cheese. Had I taken some? Where was it?

I had heard him coming and hidden the cheese under my leg, my right leg, as I sat at the table. He made me open my mouth. No cheese. He looked around and then discovered the hidden food. I remember a lot of yelling and my mother coming back into the room, looking at me, while I sat shamefacedly.

I think I had been in the room to be close to my mother who worked a lot. I remember the feeling of shame, the embarassment, the guilt. I had stolen from her, from them, and in doing so removed myself even further from her.

Why did I have to sneak that cheese? Why was I compelled to eat? Why couldn't I just sit there like a good girl, a normal girl? Why did I have to let my mother down again?

Hiding

How do you hide an overweight woman? Answer- in plain sight underneath all the fat and flab. A big girl learns to hide under specially chosen clothes, with a big smile, ready to deflect any conversation about herself to talk about others.

If she sees a mirror she flinches and looks away. She does not want to see her ever expanding girth. She does not want to see the thick waist, the belly that hangs down, the wide hips. She dresses in silence, willing herself not to see the X's in front of the L or the 2's as a first digit in pants or shorts sizes.

She pretends she is a normal size, just slightly bigger. To do otherwise would lead to a further loss of self-esteem. She has so little now that it would seem cruel to add more fuel to the fire.

When she does her Zumba that is the only time when she feels good. The only time her body does not betray her. The only time when she feels powerful, strong, lovely. Is it that time she treasures and holds tight when reality tries to slip back in.

It is better than nothing.

Stretch

I remember being young and fat, of course. I was always chubby and I was always embarrassed by it. I had to get clothes in the bigger kids' section, the Missy Plus area. In second grade my pants split and everyone on the playground saw my underpants. In fourth grade I noticed red marks appearing on my skin, especially my belly.

Imagine my shame when one afternoon I was playing on the floor with my little baby brother. My shirt went up and my big round belly was exposed. Both my parents saw the stretch marks.

I was immediately pounced upon verbally by both of them. They were ashamed of me and my weight and my stretch marks. There was a verbal barrage of how bad it was to be so young with those marks. I was branded forever, taught to be further embarrassed by a body that wasn't seemingly under my own control.

Once again my body let me down, I let me down, and I let my family down. That's an awful lot for a little girl to carry on her little shoulders.

Tuckered

Do people still say they're tuckered out? If they do then good because I am tuckered out. Also, I'm slightly annoyed because yesterday's post which was spell-checked still had errors in it after I saved the changes. But I digress...

I was tired on Thursday after working in the classroom with BJM for a few hours. She did a ton of work and I did a lot for my "easily distracted sensibilities". Then on Friday I woke up with pink eye and felt like I had been hit by a bus. Today I was up from about 2:45 a.m. until shortly after 6 puttering around like I usually do each morning. Again, I felt like I had been hit by a bus and then dragged for a few blocks.

It also got a wee bit hotter here today, out of the 70's and about 85 degrees. The heat just wipes me out with my multiple sclerosis.

No school yet but I must go in this week and finish up the room. So much to do, so little time and I am just plain old wiped out.

The great equalizer

I just finished my Zumba Cardio Party DVD and I feel absolutely sweaty and fantastic. When I feel logy and down I have to remember to force myself to put in a workout and do it. I did NOT want to do Zumba tonight but I told myself I'd just do at least 20 minutes, which I often tell myself, and then I often end up doing the whole fifty minutes or so. Good for me, in more ways than one.

Exercise is the great equalizer. If you do it right you get that endorphin high the experts all talk about. I do it right when I do Zumba and I love it. There is nothing like the feeling when your body has completed a strong, cardio workout where your heart is beating faster, your breathing is deeper, and the sweat is pouring into the bandana wrapped around your head. Afterwards you glow, okay maybe I only glisten, but I feel like a million bucks. I don't focus on the fat and flab. Instead I thank my body for going through the dancing motions and holding up during the tough times.

I am not an official spokesperson for Zumba but I do enjoy flopping around, pretending I am doing all those dances and moves correctly. I especially love the Samba. I like pretending that the guy in the back row with the cute bod is actually smiling at me. I like pretending that Beto, the instructor, can actually see me and is thanking me, just me, for attending the Cardio Party with him.

I thank Zumba for making me feel more gorgeous, more competetent, healthier, and stronger when in reality I am an overweight woman with pink eye. (Yes, you read that right. I go to school for one day with no children and catch pink eye.) Some days all you can do is laugh and then do your Zumba.

Something to consider

"Sometimes good things in life fall apart so better things can fall together."

I put this on my Facebook page this afternoon because I thought it was so wonderful. Thoughts?

The "S" word

What to write about...

I've got a streak going here where I have written every day in August. School starts in September so that means I'll most likely be losing that streak because I will be busy, busy, busy with either planning, or naps and planning, or naps and planning and exercise. There may be some teeth gnashing in there too. Also, possibly some wailing and I know there will be some kvetching because my feet will hurt.

Tomorrow I will be going in with BJM to work in my classroom. It may be gruesome as I am not anywhere near as organized and helpful as she is. My idea of cleaning is taking everything out of the boxes and then walking around with one thing, placing it here and there and being interrupted by things like breathing and feeling the air-conditioning. BJM is on top of these sorts of things but I'm not sure if she knows exactly what she is getting herself into which is my good luck.

I have a huge room, a double room actually with air-conditioning which means that my old room, which I miss already, was half the size and twice as hot. It's (my old room) under construction at the moment so no one inhabits it yet. I will never get that room back as I have changed grades but I am looking forward to the new huge room. The only drawback is that I have no windows but I am across from a teachers' bathroom. That will be coming in handy for sure.

So tomorrow is a day back at school with an old friend who will be looking at school through new eyes. I hope my computer and SMART board are up and running so I can share that with her. The technology is great and seems really cool to us older folks who graduated 21 years ago.

I guess it makes it fitting that my finger nails are painted bright pink with the color called Back to the Fuchsia. Gotta love a play on words...

Taking chances

What would you do if you could not fail?

I ask my students to respond to that question in my classroom. I'm always amazed at what they write. Now it's time for me to ask myself the same thing.

Just what would I do?

I'd get healthy and beat back the demons of obesity and diabetes. I'd actually write more and dream about writing less. I'd find myself in a healthy relationship with an intelligent and respectful man. I'd be all that at work.

I'd be unstoppable. Solid, fun, interesting. Healthy, involved in life, living out loud.

So what's holding me back?

The same crap that gives me high blood sugar numbers and hasn't moved the scale down in weeks. The same crap that whispers in my ear, "You're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough." The same crap that hasn't been dealt with in years about family issues and my feeling of being unwanted. The messy stuff, that's what holds me back.

What's holding you back from living the life of your dreams?

Infused

I sit perched on the edge of my recliner writing in my journal with my free-from-Staples red pen. I'm watching E! while chewing on a Dunkin' Donuts cookie and occasionally sipping my small caramel frappe. Yep, I'm plugged into my IV; it's hooked into my left hand, taped above the Silly Bandz on my wrist.

It's infusion day for my Tysabri, the liquid gold medicine for my multiple sclerosis. I'm at the infusion center where I'll be for about two hours while my medicine and then some saline will drip into my veins. This medicine seems to be keeping me in remission which is a wonderful thing. It's also wonderful that I have insurance, a good neurologist that was willing to prescribe this, and an infusion center about 50 minutes from my house.

I'm a lucky girl.

I am lucky. I have a good job and I live in a beautiful area, one small block from gorgeous Lake Ontario. I have great insurance with low prescription co-pays. I work in tandem with great medical providers. I am lowering my blood sugars. I have a handful of close friends that I can count on. I have a blog that I adore and people who read it.

What's not to like?

Marriage: A True Story

I married an idiot. Honestly, I did. I knew better but I did it anyway. My favorite "wasband" story is this one.

One day my ex was making a cake from a box mix. He put the ingredients in the bowl and then mixed them with his hand, his literal hand, because those were the directions on the box. Forget the picture of the spoon in the woman's hand.

Doh!

Full

Why is it that some of us choose to eat past the point of comfortableness and go straight to full? Is it because we feel we're lacking in some way, that somewhere there is an emptiness that we are trying to rid ourselves of?

For me filling my stomach makes me feel something. I feel when most of the time I just glide through my life on a sort of invisible track, going through the same motions day to day.

I feel full, weighted as if I do indeed exist on this planet. Days can pass now where I sit in my apartment and see no one else, interact with no one else. But if I eat I take up space. I can be seen whereas before I was empty, full of air. I eat to be hidden from view yet I eat to be viewed as well.

How is that possible? How can one be empty and full at the same moment? Simply because what I am filling up is not the part of me that needs support and love. The empty parts of me are the ones that are the most sacred, the most needy, the most deserving. Yet I share them the least.

When will I learn it's okay to be filled with happiness, delight, wonder and self-acceptance? When will I learn that eating does not, will never, can not fill the voids in my life? All it does is make me bigger on the outside instead of on the inside.

Oh cr@p!

This morning I was deeply humbled by an incident that made me grateful for my current good health. It was early and I was checking my blood sugar. I had just hit the button on the lancet when I realized I needed to go. Yeah, that "kind" of go. And I went as I was dripping the blood on my glucose strip.

You should have seen me. There I was bloody and trying to do the responsible thing for my diabetes as my multiple sclerosis "reared" (oh my, what a pun) its ugly head. In case you're wondering, I didn't quite make it in time which is why this post is aptly titled.

I rarely write about my MS because I am in remission but I do have bladder and bowel issues. I just tend not to mention them because it's embarrassing. Who wants to admit they cr@pped their pants? This happens more than I care to admit, about once a month or so but the feeling that I have to go sometimes comes upon me so quickly that I have to whip my apartment door open after shopping or hang up on friends to get to the bathroom. Sometimes I barely make it.

It's not so bad if you pee yourself but doing number two on you is not something you brag about to your friends. Some of my friends know that I have these issues but most people don't. I take Ditropan to help with the frequent urination. When I go out or am at work I limit my food and liquid intake. Thankfully this year I am right across the hall from a bathroom.

The diabetes meds all cause me some sort of diarrhea. That's the stuff that can hit me like that, making me squirm while someone is talking to me at work. My stomach starts to churn and gurgle and I know I have to leave in the next few seconds. People at work don't know I'm about ready to cr@p my pants so they just keep talking while I look for a way out of the conversation.

So if you see me walking quickly down the hallway to the restroom, don't stop me!

Things could be much worse so the only thing left to do is clean yourself up, buy more big girl panties and chuckle at the messy stuff that is coming your way. :)

Again

After yesterday's post I realized that I needed to regroup and get focused. I need to start a new way of eating again. It's time for me to be conscious and to follow the guidelines that Geneen Roth puts forth in her books.

When I do what she's suggested I do better and feel better. When I slow things down and give that time while eating back to myself, it's magical. Less food fills me up. I make better choices. It takes longer to eat because I am tasting the actual food instead of just shoving it down.

I wonder if food will ever not have this pull over me. Why are some people able to just eat, to just sustain themselves with food? Why are others of us seemingly tortured day in and out, trying to eat well and get or stay thin?

Who decided that some of us see food as only fuel while others view food as friend, foe, solace, and comfort?

I have been chubby to overweight to obese for most of my life. When I was thin I was only that way due to an eating disorder. I have had a disordered view of food, weight and eating for as long as I can remember.

I'm trying to change that though, again...

More

We know too much of a good thing is just still too much and therefore not really a good thing. Lately I have been having issues with too much, specifically my weight and my blood sugar. My glucose levels are slowly coming down but are still not in the normal range. I know this is because I am still enjoying a one-sided, unrequited love affair with carbs. Specifically, bagels and cookies from Dunkin' Donuts.

They, however, are basically through with me.

Most days I drive to DD before dawn has cracked to buy a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and a cookie or two. Then I come home and eat them in front of the TV. I am not eating them consciously like Geneen Roth recommends. I am not eating in silence and enjoying the food. I am inhaling it and waiting for the sugar rush to hit.

I am craving carbs like there is no tomorrow, as if each meal is the last one on this planet. This is not a good thing. Some people eat a bagel like this every day and are fine. I'm more of a junkie, biding my time to the next carb fix.

I have to stop and refocus on what Roth has suggested in her books. It's time to eat slowly, without distractions. Time to taste the food and savor it. Plus, I am having big time weight issues.

My weight is up nine pounds in less than 2 weeks. I'm not quite sure how that is possible. A bagel a day and maybe a cookie do not add up to that much poundage. I know I need to get in more fruits and veggies. I know my intestinal tract is rather sluggish and it's not my period.

So I did a little Zumba today and the other day. I had a big salad for lunch. I bought some bagels from the store to stop the DD runs so that means no more cookies. I am still only getting a small frappe once a week. I no longer order out every other night. McDonald's is a place I go for salad instead of burgers.

But I still crave more, more carbs, more sweets. I have curtailed my diet a lot from all the crap I was eating before. Then again I was thinner when I was eating all that crap because the sugar was just running through me.

I need to ask myself what I am trying to fix with food. There's some messy stuff hidden there that needs to be dealt with. I need to do this soon before I go back to work, which is part of the issue. I'm still nervous but doing better because I know I still have weeks left before we start up again. I know I can do this.

I have to do this. My body needs me to get it healthy. I'd like to get off some of this medication. I'd like to start the scale moving in the right direction again. I want to buy smaller clothes. I miss my button-fly jeans!

Time to spend more time eating consciously and looking at the messy stuff.

Anonymity

Many of you who read this blog know me IRL (in real life). You are old friends and new ones, Facebook pals, or people I work with. Others of you have no idea who I am but you come back to read my words nonetheless. Nowhere on this blog will you find my name or my face.

It's not because I am ashamed of what I write because I'm not.

It's for my own protection, if you will. I keep this blog anonymous to keep myself safe. It's a place I can go where I can write about anything and I do tend to write about whatever crosses my mind, whether it be fabulous, painful, honest or somewhere in between. Sometimes it's nothing at all and sometimes I feel like I've poured myself out for your reading pleasure, like pancake batter on a hot griddle.

I'm not famous or any more special than any of you. I just have the desire and need to write these things down. I like your comments when I've struck a chord. I fear your silence when I hear nothing. Sometimes it's as if I'm holding my breath, waiting to see how you will respond. It's not easy writing about some of the topics that I do, it is scary and worrisome. Yet I cannot stop myself.

Being anonymous in a sense is what allows me the freedom to be so spontaneous and open. Some of my friends have learned things about me through this blog that they did not already know. I share things here that I do not talk about with others.

For example, many of you do not know that I repeated the ninth grade. That particular year was a tough one for me. I spent part of that year in a mental hospital due to severe depression and a suicide attempt. When I was released from the hospital I went to a special school for students with severe emotional issues. I did no work there and at the beginning of the new school year I was back at the regular high school.

I basically was a smart girl all wrapped up in the midst of some pretty messy stuff. I repeated the ninth grade and redid the year that I had messed up. It was tough being a teenager with a past that everyone knew about. I had spent years being with certain classmates and now I had to start to make friends all over again. I was a freak of sorts and some people unkindly went out of their way to make sure I didn't forget that. But I survived and eventually thrived despite suffering with depression, battling an eating disorder, and trying to start over.

Here's something else a lot of people don't know: I graduated seventh in my high school class out of about 185 kids or so. Not too bad for a girl with a lot of messy stuff, huh?

Back at it

Today I had to go to work so off I went. I wasn't sure how the day would go but it went better than expected. I learned the algorithms of the new math program. Surprisingly, it was easier than I thought. I still need to work on the multiplication and division but I'll get it.

I also saw my new, giant room. It's the old faculty room from a few years back and it has air conditioning. Air conditioning, people! That's a coup for someone with multiple sclerosis. It's also a double room with a folding partition in the middle. I cannot believe how much room I have. We also discussed where my SMART board is going to be placed. I love my SMART board. It's like an interactive white board/computer screen. Some people love them and some people hate them. I think it's a great tool to use in the classroom.

I have to work again tomorrow so I hope I can hold up for another day. I feel more positive about the new year ahead even though it's all new to me. I can do this, one step at a time.

By the way, did I mention that I'm psyched about my new room?

Not my words...

The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be.- William James

I just finished some Zumba and I think I'll be fabulous now! How about you?

Inner peace and outer calm

Last night I talked with one of my best pals from college. Lola told me that I get crazy and nervous every year at this time. She built me up and made me laugh about my classroom worries. I went to bed and had a school dream but a good one. I don't remember what it was about but I woke up feeling utterly peaceful and positive about the new year.

Then I cleaned my sink this morning and there's something about scrubbing away the smudges with Comet that makes the whole world seem right. After that I cleaned the toilet, filled up a tire with low pressure, and now I am going to do the dishes that have piled up. Accomplishing small chores like these set my feng shui free to do its thing. There's something about cleaning up your space that helps to clean up your life.

I also ate cleaner today and my blood sugar was much better for it. I even felt better by eating healthier.

All around I am going to give myself an A+ for the day.

Talking the talk

I've been talking a lot of rah-rah, woohoo pep talks to myself lately. The problem is that I am talking a good game but not walking the walk.

I have to admit something to you all. I am scared crapless about the new school year. My position was changed at the end of the school year, kind of out of the blue, and I am not happy about it.

Not one little bit.

Did you hear me, world?

I am NOT happy.

Instead I am a nervous wreck, worried about what I am going to do and how I am going to deal with it. The thing is even if I stayed in my old position there would be changes but at least I would be in my same little room with some of the same people. I like "sameness". I am very comfortable when I know what my limits and expectations are.

Now it is all different and it is freaking me out. I am overeating because that is what I do with stress when I don't know how to handle it. I want to let the feelings wash over me but for some reason I am a mess and I dived into a pizza today after an early morning Dunkin' Donuts run for a bagel and cookies. Yes, cookies, plural. I had a bagel and two big ole chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Then my sugar rose to the 350's. Dumb, dumb, dumb move.

I am afraid I am never going to learn the names of all 100+ kids in my classes. My MS makes my brain slower to learn stuff like that. I don't like to be at a disadvantage and knowing their names is power. There's nothing quite like trying to reprimand the kid in the blue striped shirt. Knowing his name is powerful.

I am not sure exactly what I am teaching yet. I have no set curriculum and I am not familiar with what goes on in this new grade. I am supposed to teach Math and ELA Enrichment, whatever that means. Thankfully the students do not know what that means either. Whew, that's a break in my favor.

We are also starting a new Math program which I am not trained in, yet I am supposed to support it in my classroom. I have some Math training coming up on Monday and Tuesday of next week. Sigh, that means it is almost time to go back to school and I mentioned earlier that that scares me crapless.

I don't want to have to change but I must. There is no school fairy that is coming to sprinkle me with her academic dust that will make my worries go away.

I don't WANT to do this but I am going to put on my big girl panties and do it anyway. I'll let you know how it all goes...

Into the light

In college, several states away from home, I was very sick with bulimia. There I started real therapy for the first time in my life. I was slightly hopeful. Maybe then someone could see the good in me.

At one time I was so ill I had to go to the college infirmary every day for vitals. Every morning I dutifully showed up. I was a good girl underneath all the "badness". I did as I was told.

Eventually the therapy helped me to realize I wasn't worthless. I never took meds there for depression but that improved also. I got better with someone believing in me.

When I was doing better, years later, the bulimia came under control. Eventually I stopped all the pills and the purging. I went from throwing up every night to nights where I could eat and retain the food like a normal person. I didn't have to excuse myself to go purge any more. I put on some weight once I stopped the bulimia, not much, but I remember my mother saying I looked pregnant. I was so hurt because my family knew of my bulimia but ignored it. They were good at ignoring big problems and making me feel bad about myself.

Now I see a new life, a better one. One not filled with so much anger. One where I can let lots of the past go.

This new life is a strange one. Part of it is better living through pharmaceuticals, part of it is better living through ten years of intense therapy, part of it is self-acceptance, wisdom, and self-love. A lot of it is personal growth.

If I can overcome depression and bulimia, I can overcome anything. If I can adjust to life with multiple sclerosis, I can learn to deal with diabetes. I can learn to control my weight instead of letting it control me.

It's time for the real me to shed the extra weight and let my light shine.

Self abuse

I spent years trying to destroy myself, both overtly and subconsciously. I recall severe depression and self-injury starting in the fifth grade. It escalated from there to hallucinations, overdoses and slit wrists. I was desperate as a young girl to make my pain go away. Suicide seemed like the only viable option.

The first time I was seriously hospitalized I was in the ninth grade. It was like a saving grace, to be away from my family who refused to help me in the midst of all my turmoil. I remember feeling safer but that was not a place where you'd want your child to spend a month.

I was hospitalized again in tenth grade for another suicide attempt and for bulimia. By then I was learning that I was too timid to actually pull off suicide, so I started to kill myself slowly. Bulimia was a way of saying, "F--- you," to my family. It allowed me to scrape my insides raw while looking normal on the outside. I could starve, then binge, then puke it all out. Anger within, exited with food.

It felt good to be in control of one thing in my life. I ran, I starved, I was sick with sores around my mouth. I was anemic. I thought I was fat when I was not. I bought in to what I was told: I was selfish, unlovable, stupid, BIG.

In fact, I was none of those things.

I abused myself because I knew of no other way to survive. There was no help for me, no therapy, only people telling me I was wrong. I was the weird one, the freak, the black sheep. No matter how small I physically got, I could not escape my parents' prying eyes and harsh words. They said I wanted too much when all I wanted was love and acceptance.

Bulimia overtook my life. I lived on diet pills, diuretics, and laxatives. I exercised like crazy, sometimes twice a day. At one time I was doing five thousand sit-ups a night. It took me hours to accomplish this.

It took me years to beat bulimia.

Bits

I had two great glucose readings today, both in the 160's. Could a girl ask for anything more?

Sure she can!

I also put together my new steam mop and used it in my bathroom tonight. The floor looks great, so much cleaner than it did before. I miss my cleaning lady bunches but I am starting to get a little domestic here now that I love my ORECK vacuum and my steam mop.

I spent thirty minutes working out this afternoon to the Biggest Loser DVD. I felt a kazillion times better after working out. The sweat and those endorphins make me feel like a real human instead of a big old lump. I need to remind myself to move it while I still can. It also helps with the diabetes.

Today I read my Momentum magazine from the National MS Society. I consider myself lucky right now because I am rarely inconvenienced by multiple sclerosis. It won't always be that way though. I have no idea when a flare will happen or when I will progress and it is most certain that there will be some progression some day. As long as I can walk and exercise and move freely I need to remember to celebrate my body by doing those things more often.

I'm a lucky girl even with MS and diabetes.

Changing course

When I first started this blog I was a woman who wanted to write about my experience with multiple sclerosis and I did. I spent most of the first year telling my story as I bounced from Copaxone to Rebif to Tysabri with some steroids thrown in for good measure.

So where am I now?

I've been on Tysabri for almost two years now and I am in remission. I haven't had a flare in a long time. I do have some symptoms daily but they are minor, mostly muscle twitches called fasciculations all over my body. Sometimes other people can see them as my skin ripples along. They don't hurt and I'm used to them.

I also have fatigue issues which tire me out easily. During the school year I medicate with Provigil which is a medicine for narcoleptics. It keeps me awake and alert, especially since I rarely sleep all the way through the night.

On occasion I'll get some terrible cramps in my legs that can last for a long time. I also am very heat intolerant and spend most of my time indoors by a fan or in air-conditioning. That's the gist of my MS at the moment.

The diabetes however is not in control. I'm on three medications and testing my blood twice a day. I have had mostly high numbers with a few readings in the 100s. Then I got my period and the numbers have gone high again. It's frustrating.

I have cut the frappes down to one small once a week. I have cut out the Dunkin' Donuts except for once this past week. I stopped ordering out from Canale's and they probably think I have dropped off the face of the Earth as I used to order from them every other day.

I'm working on the diet and the exercise (which I will admit has been few and far between this past week which is an anomaly). I am taking my meds. I am testing my glucose levels. I am looking at the carbs in food. I am drinking my water. I want my diabetes to get under control now and it just doesn't work that way. (Imagine me pouting.)

When I started all of this writing I was a very angry, very fat, very inactive and sad person. I had been in therapy for about eight years when I started this blog. Now I am out of therapy, out of the anger that fueled me for years, exercising, down twenty-five pounds, and able to see a better, healthier future.

What a difference a year or two can make! I am actually looking forward to a new day, a new month, even turning 40 in September. Even with obstacles in the way I'm not giving up; I'm just changing my course.

Joy!

Now here's an emotion we can all get behind but somehow we tend to miss it because we're so busy living for others. Whether it be a job, a spouse, a demanding child or needy friend, we tend to put others' needs before our own.

What brings me joy? Big, wonderful events like unexpected snow days, medium-size events like the weekly episodes of Survivor (when it's on), to small events like phone calls from friends, a funny joke, a good book to read, or a smile from a stranger.

Joy used to equal food, or so I thought. Now I know food is separate from joy. Food is fuel that keeps me moving, but it's also been food that has been part of the problem in my life. It's kept me from experiencing more joy in my life and I'm not willing to accept that any more.

Bingeing or compulsive overeating does not bring one joy. As a matter of fact, in those cases you're not even enjoying the food because you're inhaling it so quickly while trying to suffocate the Inner Voice for a moment with carbohydrates and sweets. You're trying to close down those thoughts that you're not enough by filling yourself up. It makes no sense but it's a pattern I was caught in.

Now I'm making changes in my life to make more room for joy and less room for that terrible Inner Voice.

Fear

Why is it that we spend so much of our time worrying about what others think of us? What makes their opinions worth so much more than our own?

I have spent years, too many of them, being afraid. Afraid to be myself, afraid of not being loved, afraid of letting my own voice be heard.

That is why I write here. My voice may be shrouded behind some sense of anonymity but I do have a voice. Here my voice rings out causing people to listen and think and comment on it. Some part of me glows and grows and becomes more alive. Here I become powerful beyond measure.

For once I am not afraid.

Safety

What makes you feel safe? Is it knowing that you have a home to call your own, friends who keep your secrets, a spouse who loves you no matter what, or a combination of these things?

For me, safety has been being overweight, to be full to the point where no one can see inside me. It meant to be surrounded by and covered with weight so no one could get to my core, the place where the real me survives.

Slowly, ever so slowly, that is changing.

Weight has been a form of protection, a barrier from and for others for a lifetime. To change that takes great courage and introspection. Looking inside and at myself is something I rarely do. What I see frightens me and causes me to want to run away from that.

What do I see when I look deep inside? I see someone who is small and scared, someone needy and wanting, someone desperate for intimacy but so scarred that I run from it when it's offered. I see someone who wants to be less shy and more open, less restrained, happier, and more content with my life. But I haven't known how to do that until recently.

Shining the light on the messy stuff is hard. Working through the weight issues means not just losing pounds but getting my head on straight. My mother suggests weight loss surgery but that would only solve the problem of the pounds not the actual demons I battle. When you live feeling like you are unloveable, that you are not worthy, that you are not enough, it does not matter whether you weigh 110 pounds or 210 pounds. The feelings are still there and the pounds will come back if that is how you deal with things.

Food is slowly but surely losing its hold over me. I have cut down to one small frappe a week. I no longer go to Dunkin Donuts for bagels or cookies. I can order a pizza and it can last for more than one meal. It sounds silly but these are small victories for me. I am doing battle against diabetes, against obesity, against these feelings of being less than I am.

I am slowly winning but this isn't a race, it's just a journey that I need to take.

Secrets

We all have them and they hold power over us. Some are so insignificant that if we spoke them aloud to others they would laugh at us and say, "Is that all?" Others are large, just bubbling below the surface while we keep pushing them down out of view. They are words, thoughts, memories of events that happened years ago or maybe even yesterday. Secrets all have the same thing in common, we need to keep them locked up so others don't see our imperfections and realize how damaged we are.

That's the kind of thinking that comes from believing the Inner Voice. The hard part is not in keeping the secret, it comes from moving past the secret and allowing it to be seen or heard. Power comes from moving through your secrets out into the sunshine, moving past the messy stuff of your life.

Many people have food secrets, weight secrets, life secrets. We're ashamed and saddened and angry at ourselves for our variety of secrets. We push them down with overeating so we stop feeling. We're afraid to "feel" because those feelings might overtake us, wash over us and engulf us in their throes.

What if our secrets get out and people learn what we have done? What if they know we are flawed and sometimes we make poor choices? What if?

The truth is that we are all flawed, every one of us, every single one of us no matter how much good we try to do in this world. The other truth is that we all have secrets.

My blog is a secret from my parents for a variety of reasons. I would probably be disowned for some of the things I have written about from my past. They are not untrue things but rather unflattering and in my family appearances are very important. Ironically, I have a weight issue stemming from years before when I grew up in the midst of a huge secret that I already knew.

I knew that my biological father was not the father of my mother's marriage. I knew that from a young age. I felt I had done something wrong by merely being alive. What an awful feeling to live with for your whole life. To this day I still am unable to deal with these issues and I don't by pushing my biological father away. His overwhelming desire to know me is like a tsunami causing me to run in the opposite direction. This is another piece of messy stuff that I need to work on.

I have talked about many of my secrets here: my weight, my health, my eating disorder, my depression. However, I do not solely focus on the negative pieces of my existence. That would serve no purpose. I try to balance the good, the bad, and the ugly bits. I try to grow from my experiences. I want to share with others that they can deal with frustrating times and come out the other side.

If I can do it, anyone can. All you have to do is take that first step. I'll be here with outstretched arms waiting for you.

Steps

Anyone for a dance?

Today I took one step forward and one to the side. I'm not ready to go backward yet. I'll just slide from side to side, even if I don't have a partner.

In diabetes news I had to call in my glucose readings for the last week. The numbers weren't good, often in the high 200s and 300s. Sooooooooo that means it is time to tweak the meds again. Glipizide is moving from twice a day to three times a day and we are adding in a third drug called Actos once a day. I will continue to take the Metformin ER twice a day at 1,000 mg each time.

I am majorly bummed out about the whole diabetes debacle. I guess I assumed that once I was on meds my numbers would just magically drop but not so much. I guess I really need to work at this plus take my medicine. I have made some huge strides with my food, virtually eliminating frappes and not eating out from my favorite order-in place. I am also eating more mindfully and consciously. I am making better choices but my numbers aren't reflecting these choices as much as I'd like them to do so.

I also set up an appointment with a dentist in my insurance network. Huge step forward because I am going to admit to you all right now that the last time I went to the dentist I was still married. I left my "wasband" in February 2000 so it's been a while since a doctor was poking around my mouth. I have no fear of dentists; I just haven't gone because I go to so many other doctors. But, with diabetes, I must now go twice a year like a normal human to get my teeth cleaned.

Tomorrow is my first consultation, exam and X-rays. Then I can get set up for a cleaning. Thank goodness for my flex plan. Now I can afford dental appointments and Tysabri. All my diabetes meds are, thankfully, free.

My weight loss has stalled even with the decrease in food intake. No more Dunkin Donut bagel runs at night. I bought those bagel thins thingies and some cream cheese to savor at home. I also need to get some eggs to hard-boil so I have some more protein options. I can do this, I will do this. It may be going slow but I'll take progress over stagnation.

Happy second to my blog!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world." ♥ Marianne Williamson

Enough said for now.

Too much of a good thing

I still have more than a month until I officially go back to school to work. I do have to work two days coming up in a few weeks and I will have to go in and set up my new room but for real work, I have some time left to waste. The thing is it's too much of a good thing. I have too much time on my hands.

Sounds like a good thing but for me it isn't. I wouldn't mind working all year long and having three days off a week. Throw in our regular vacations and I would be a happy camper.

Food can be too much of a good thing too. It's all around me and available 24/7 because I am here at home 24/7. I do better on an eating plan when I have a structured week. Now I am just all over the place, sleeping at odd hours, awake in the middle of the night, with no specific purposes to my days.

Food can be friend, enemy, joy, sadness, anything at all that I need it to be. What I need food to be is just fuel. That's what it is supposed to be anyway. Babies come in to the world with base instincts, eating being one of them. They basically eat whatever is placed in their mouths from the little spoons. They don't start out all whacked out about food.

How do so many of us get from there to here? I know I am not the only obese person in the country or the state or this city or even in my apartment building. There are literally tons of us. When did we come to the fork in the road and take it to eat more?

Why do I feel so alone in this when I am clearly not the only fat lady in the room? I guess that's why I see food as a friend at times. It keeps me company when I am lonely and fills up my time when I am bored.

Food as only fuel... something for me to ponder.

You are what you eat

I've finally dsicovered the mere fact that if you take in crap you feel like crap. Doh! I'm not generally this slow on the uptake but in this case I am. Now that I am diabetic, with my sugars still out of control, I am feeling the headaches that come along with eating too many fats and carbs. I am supposed to be carb counting but have been doing a half-ass job of it.

I rarely sleep through the night and often find myself driving to Dunkin Donuts for a bagel with cream cheese at some random time in the morning, say around 3 a.m. Then I also get a big ole chocolate chip cookie, double doh! No wonder my sugars are in the 300s even hours later.

So today I pulled out my meal planning and carb counting book from the diabetes nurse educator and flipped through it. Time to get a little more serious. I have a good month before I have to return to school and I'd really love to see lower numbers. Even when I do eat well my numbers are often very high, rarely under 200 and nowhere near where they actually should be.

I guess there's a learning curve with every illness. It took me a long time to get past being a person with multiple sclerosis to just being a person again. MS consumed me for a long time because I was so symptomatic and needed to take shots daily. Then there were the side effects of the Copaxone shots. I was immersed in the MS online community, searching for people who were like me, who felt like me. That took years.

Now I coexist with the MS and am happily in remission. That brings me to the present time to focus on food, healthy thoughts, exercise, and diabetes.

I am now turning a wary eye to mindful eating even when it includes a bagel and a cookie. I enjoy eating them and eat them slowly. The problem ensues with the diabetes. That just means it's time to refocus the lens again to see the clearer picture.

It's as simple as the old line, you are what you eat.

Feeling and not feeding

Today I stepped a little outside of my comfort zone and went to a party at a friend from high school's house. I haven't seen him for about twenty years, except for on Facebook which is how the whole party got started. First off, I am shy. Honestly I am. Most people don't know that but I prefer to stay out of the spotlight. I prefer to hide rather than shine. I prefer to feed instead of feel.

What does that mean?

Well, I've mentioned before how I use weight to separate myself from others. Being fat allows you to exist on the fringe of society. People see me, but they don't really see me. Instead they see flesh, poundage, rolls. They can focus on my looks and not focus on what lurks beneath. If they are looking at my fatness then they are not able to see what the Inner Voice talks about: how I am selfish, lazy, unlovable... I listen to those words and cringe and feed.

But not today, not so much.

Today I grabbed my fruit tray and traveled with my trusty and reliable friend BJM to our friend's house. I tried not to worry about the way I looked and who would be there. When it was time to eat I did not gorge myself because I was feeling uncomfortable. I felt the feelings and smiled and listened and occasionally talked. I ate appropriately and did not come home and binge. I shut down the Voice for a while.

Sometimes silence is golden.