Friday, December 17, 2010

Less than the best

I am publicly, albeit somewhat anonymously, admitting that I am not perfect. I know that and do not claim to be "all that and a bag of chips".

However, I did not know that it could be pointed out to me once more, yet AGAIN, that I am less than the best. By my mother. Whom I love but I deeply wonder about.

I thought that parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally.

I mean, I know there is the messy adolescent stuff (which is when I suffered from deep depression and hallucinations) but I am generally considered by many to be a decent person, a citizen of good standing, gainfully employed, and for the most part trying to do good in my area of the universe.

The recent falling out with my mother has hurt my heart deeply. I know she is in mourning, grieving the loss of her husband of 35 years.

As mentioned before, my siblings and I tried to do something wonderfully special for my mother. Which she did not want. Instead of just explaining that the gift which we had purchased was too meaningful, too much of a remembrance of my dad, too painful, she and I had a nasty phone conversation. There was a lot of yelling and she eventually just hung up on me.

Three days later she called me back, not to apologize because she saw nothing wrong with her behavior, but because she wanted to now explain why she didn't want the gift. Of course, I pointed out that she could have tried explaining that to me days ago but I was told I was *wrong*. That her personal feelings and thoughts are NOT my business and she will NOT share those things with me.

So instead of just explaining herself with a few sentences that I would have totally understood, she choose to get into "verbal fisticuffs" with me. Because she won't share that she is sad. Because she does not have to explain anything. Because once again I can be her verbal punching bag.

Then to make me feel even less of myself, she told me that I am too much for her. That I ask too much of her. That calling to check on her is overwhelming. That spending time going to church and dinner once a week for two hours can be too much together time.

She tells me this, explaining that it is not to make me feel bad...

Is it to make me feel better, I wonder?

Those of you that know me or have read my story know that my parents and I have had a rough go of it. I am the biggest elephant in the room. The daughter no one wanted but had anyway. The ugly one, the fat one, the one who doesn't look like anyone else but my "other" father who I am not allowed to talk about.

I am tired of being the one who puts forth the effort in this relationship. But this is the dance we dance. She sets me up, I take the bait, she reels me in, punishes me, I feel bad and fall apart. Again and again.

I cannot do this anymore.

My own mother wasn't sure how she felt about me spending the night for Christmas Eve so that my sister, my mother and I could all go to midnight mass. She couldn't commit to me sleeping in the extra room. It might be a day where she can't take me so I made the decision for her.

I won't come.

I cannot continue to try and be where I am not wanted.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

I may be less than the best but I am a damn fine human being and it's too bad that someone who should be able to see that can't be bothered to do so.


Anonymous said...

You are so much more than a 'damn fine human being'! You are much, much more than that. You a smart, independent woman who manages her life, her MS, & her other conditions all by herself. A teacher who makes things fun for many 6th graders, even though they may not appreciate it:) A woman who is so kind that when her family needed her, regardless of the way she has been treated, she dropped everything to be there when they needed her most. A woman who continued to be a loyal and thoughtful daughter, doing what she could do to help her mom. A woman who has friends near and far who love her so much, and blog readers all over the world who love her. This my friend is not about you. I could not guess what is going on with the woman who brought you into this world, but this is her issue, NOT yours. You keep on being the wonderful, amazing woman you are, and please, please remember this is so not about you.
I love you friend,

Anonymous said...

Ditto what BJM said. I'm so sorry for your families loss, but you must continue to take care of yourself - growing stronger everyday. While I can't imagine what your mom is going through, it is no excuse to treat anyone, much less you, in the way she does. Tammy