It's Monday, I went to work, it's over, now repeat

So it begins. Monday rolls around, alarm going off shortly after 5 a.m. and I start the routine. Feed feline, get clean, attempt to style hair, hope that I remember to take my meds, pack up my bags and try to get the door open.

By the way, it's always bags, never just a purse or one bag. Today I had a purse, a lunch pail, a school bag, and another bag to carry other stuff in.

I live downstairs by the way, so it's a balancing act trying to get my large, unsteady body up the two flights of stairs with all the bags. Then I have to open the door of the apartment building and go down a set of stairs to get to the ground level. Half the time I am locking the car doors with great fervor instead of unlocking them because I can't see because of all the damn bags.

Today I limped around at work because my right foot and hip are giving me some special gifts of their own. I tend to stand almost the entire time I am teaching, whether at the board, or lecturing, or moving to work with students around the room. Directions for me are to sit as much as possible but when the kiddos are there that doesn't happen. My students know I have MS but part of teaching is that almost constant movement here, there, and everywhere. Of course, amongst all the movement I carry papers or books or other important things and then put them down and lose them. I spend a lot of time looking for things I just had in my hand.

Summer vacation was great in that there is no money but also no work that has to be done. This year I could not tolerate the heat at all so that made it tough to actually enjoy most of the vacation. The last few years haven't been that bad but this year was a doozy with my bod and the heat. I was constantly miserable and suffered some pretty awful leg spasms and dizziness. I traveled nowhere and barely left my apartment because I needed to be rightnexttothefan; yes, really that close! It is still in the 70s now and I'm still uncomfortable with the heat.

Most days I am in the school building for 9 hours which shatters most people's idea of a teacher's work day. I also bring stuff home every single night and every single weekend. There is always more to do and when you think you are done, you just start pushing the giant boulder back up the steep hill. Yippee, what fun.

This is the fourth day back with kids for me. I hope God really is riding shotgun because I am going to need some major help to get me through this.

**As part of my Tysabri not-call-a-thon to everyone under the sun news, I must let you know that the hospital infusion center that was SURE they were going to start working with my doctor didn't call me back. The hospital was going to call first thing this morning to find out and then leave me a message.

No one did, imagine that.....

More random bits (Doesn't that make me sound a tad English?)

1.) My typing is getting worse and worse and so is my inability to catch errors when I try to proof my writing later on. How flipping embarrassing is that? I can spell well and type fairly decently but it's getting more noticeable to me because I do this all the time and use it for the teaching craft. What's worse is when it is highlighted in yellow because the program thinks it looks wrong and I still bypass it. Duh!!!

2.) Up on top is an image of Hoops and Yoyo and some other blue thingie that sometimes appears with them on their cards and other merchandise. If you are having a day where you feel like you're a broken bridge under troubled water or you feel like absolute crap in the universe, get thee to visit Hoops and Yoyo. They have cards all over the place, but especially at Hallmark, who came up with the idea for the gem that these two are. The cards are hysterically funny with these little tiny voices that say things that just make you laugh!

Go to the store and open up all of these, or buy yourself a card because you deserve it dang it, or check out their website http://www.hoopsandyoyo.com/ and check out the cards there. I am in love with H and Y and they always make me laugh. Recently, I received one of these cards in the mail as a really early Happy Birthday card which is really masquerading as an "I know you're super depressed and hate most of life right now, but maybe this will make you smile card".

My card does make me smile. I just listened to it two times while typing this and laughed a booming loud laugh that felt good. I also listened to it a few times on Friday at school when the kiddos were gone and I needed some relief. I heart Hoops and Yoyo.

3.) Open House at work for me is ALWAYS the same night as the first night of Survivor. I think this is a conspiracy and I don't like it one bit. I've been tracking this for several years now and I really think we should just ban Open House until maybe the second month of school so I can watch one of the few shows I enjoy that is on until 9 p.m.

(As another random aside, I am generally in bed around 8 most nights, exhausted, hooked up to my CPAP for sleep apnea, with the fan or A/C on high, and my arm splints on. It's a really beautiful sight; can't you picture it now?)

4.) I wish school was 4 days a week, two days on with Monday and Tuesday, then Wednesday off so you can get those things done like the bank and the doctor and dentist and such, and then back at it for Thursday and Friday. I really do think my attitude would be a smidgen better if I could sleep in for three days like that.

Now I roll in to my coma around 8ish with all my paraphernalia on and then I am up at 2 or 3 for an hour to 90 minutes (for no real reason). I do some school work and maybe fall back asleep around 4 or so and then I'm up shortly after 5 to soldier onward in the field of 5th grade academia.

Oh, and by the way Mr. Jeff Foxworthy (of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? fame), some of those questions on your show are so not what a typical 5th grader is being taught let alone actually remembering. They had a question on the the other day about who was the youngest President ever. And no, it's not JFK. On a technicality, he was the youngest elected President but someone else was one year younger because that current President died in office so this other gentleman was the correct answer.

Now I am not telling you who the correct answer is because a.) if you really want to know you can find it out easily online and b.) I've forgotten who it was for certain so I can save face this way! My students, after a whole school year, still need to be reminded where Hawaii and Alaska are and I still have to tell them they are states that belong to the country called the United States which is part of North America which is located in the Western Hemisphere.

Those kids aren't human, methinks. Some crazy sort of tiny academic cloning going on with this show. Not to mention that these kids generally spell the answers correctly and capitalize when needed. Are you kidding me, Mr. Foxworthy? I am so on to you, buddy!

5.) I am a procrastinator. I need to begin working on school stuff, like plans for the week and all.

6.) Depression and MS both still suck. A LOT!

Survival and other bitching

Survival is about making it through this first week back at school. I'm wiped out physically and mentally at this moment. Another blogger who teaches has recently typed about this. Teaching can be both wonderful and life-sucking at the same time. This is my twelfth year teaching and the new monkey wrench this year is the addition of inclusion students, some of which have some pretty impressive emotional issues and they are so far below grade level (some up to 4 years) that I am trying to figure out how to make this work.

Then my darling parents arrive home from a week of gambling elsewhere in the state. The first thing I hear is that my dad, not my bio-dad, didn't take a certain medicine all week long and then almost had to be hospitalized at the last moment on Thursday evening. This was something totally and completely avoidable if he had just taken his medicine daily as instructed. I take my damn medicine and I still feel like crap; he doesn't know how lucky he is.

I tried to explain the whole Tysabri mess and I can sense my mother isn't really interested in this phone conversation. Anything that has to do with me is generally disinteresting to most of my family. Gee, mom thanks for expressing support for me as I tell you how frustrating it is trying to obtain Tysabri while I try to just freaking stay awake and do my job.

Then she asks about some friends of mine that I had hoped to meet up with in November. That isn't going to happen and I know it, even if it hasn't been expressed aloud. It was something I was looking forward to but I just can't worry about two other people trying to make it work within the confines of my work schedule. My best friend is always too busy and I know it just won't happen because her life is pretty much all work and she doesn't have MS.

Next mom's on to finding out if the apartment with no stairs is available or not in November or December. I don't know the answer yet as I've been spending hours calling medical providers and such trying to get Tysabri and then also just doing that thing called work.

Then we hit the hot button topic of my future sister-in-law. My brother who is 29 was home on leave in February for two weeks. He got engaged at that time to a female he met while he was enjoying his drunken stupor and had "known" for one week.

My parents have gone crazy for this little nose-pierced, two-toned hair 24 year old. I'm sure she has some good qualities but I am tired of hearing all about their November wedding that has all the things a girl could want and more.

When I went to get married after college, my parents hated my future beloved, paid for none of our wedding, openly insulted my future husband to anyone in sight, and disowned me for a period of time. My mother refused to attend my wedding shower and later gave me a pink bowl with feathers on the side of it as my gift. My wedding gift was equally thoughtless, a hand-made looking type of pitcher. Yes, well thought out and especially chosen for me.

I have spent my whole life being the black sheep in this family of three children. It's a title I can't lose and don't deserve, yet it clings to me.

I wanted to get some copies of pictures of my brother last weekend from my parents. He sent home lots of pics that my future S-I-L had put on a disk and printed out. I called my parents and asked if I could come over on the weekend, look at the pics, and pick some to get copies made of for myself. My parents invited my future S-I-L over and I decided not to attend the lovefest that is all about my parents, my brother, and his beloved.

Being in the same room with her makes it harder for me.

My parents love, love, love this girl, this girl with no real skills, except to make pictures at Sam's Club. I love how my brother and his special woman can do no wrong while I can do no right.

When the four of us are together (parents, her and me) I tend to disappear. It becomes all about her and my brother and my parents. No one asks me questions, she sits at the table where I normally do, and she's getting a wedding with complete support from my family and I must hear every detail.

I'm envious as hell and pissed off that she gets attention that I can never get. I'm so tired of being last in my family and having no real sense of support. My mother is a nurse but she allows me to just fall down over and over as she struts on by. I ask myself, even now at 37, why I'm not good enough still.

I am working so hard with school and it is sucking the energy out of me. There is nothing left after the day ends as I come home and do more work. I want to relax and feel decent and have some sort of fun and that doesn't happen. I am sick of having MS and I am mad at it and frustrated and I feel alone. This sense of being truly alone is even more acute now.

I guess the people who have the ability to love you the most, can deal you the hand that is unplayable. I just don't want to play card games any more.

Teachers and teaching

I do not, nor will I ever, look anything like the teacher above. First off, I don't know anyone in my building that even uses their chalk board anymore. It's all about the white boards or the SMART boards. Secondly, I am no longer able to wear shoes that have heels. In fact, I hate wearing shoes at all. Thirdly, I am not skinny and if I turned sideways like that I would be a short, squat version of some weird creature that looked like a female Michelin tire woman who swallowed a watermelon whole and was on the cusp of giving birth. (No, I'm not preggers; I'm just really really fat!)

Below is a comment I just posted on another teacher's blog who also happens to have MS. She was posting about why she teaches.

"There are many reasons why we (teachers) teach but the most important one is one you touched on today in your blog post; we care and we are willing to show that caring to our students."

"People who don't teach may not ever understand how difficult it can be for us to reach out and give of ourselves day after day, with rarely any positive comments or reflections from people around us coming our way."

"We teach because there is something inside us, some spark that begs to be lit and carried forth in the hopes that someone, even just one child, will light his or her torch from ours."

That my dear readers is the message I will keep in my mind as I sit painfully through some lectures in the HS auditorium tomorrow morning and then later as I limp back in to my own building and prepare my room for the "big show" on Wednesday.

That saying about, "Those who can, do and those who can't, teach." is a bunch of bologna. I can and I teach and I do all that in spite of the MS.