Saturday, July 31, 2010

Feeling and not feeding

Today I stepped a little outside of my comfort zone and went to a party at a friend from high school's house. I haven't seen him for about twenty years, except for on Facebook which is how the whole party got started. First off, I am shy. Honestly I am. Most people don't know that but I prefer to stay out of the spotlight. I prefer to hide rather than shine. I prefer to feed instead of feel.

What does that mean?

Well, I've mentioned before how I use weight to separate myself from others. Being fat allows you to exist on the fringe of society. People see me, but they don't really see me. Instead they see flesh, poundage, rolls. They can focus on my looks and not focus on what lurks beneath. If they are looking at my fatness then they are not able to see what the Inner Voice talks about: how I am selfish, lazy, unlovable... I listen to those words and cringe and feed.

But not today, not so much.

Today I grabbed my fruit tray and traveled with my trusty and reliable friend BJM to our friend's house. I tried not to worry about the way I looked and who would be there. When it was time to eat I did not gorge myself because I was feeling uncomfortable. I felt the feelings and smiled and listened and occasionally talked. I ate appropriately and did not come home and binge. I shut down the Voice for a while.

Sometimes silence is golden.

No comments: