Making choices

When I choose not to eat consciously and without the television, I find myself overeating, putting way too much food inside me. I did this this morning eating a bagel with cream cheese, a cookie, and a small frappe for breakfast. What the heck was I thinking? I guess you could say I wasn't thinking. I was just looking to fill a hole that has been there since I was little. I was hungry for food but for something else, as well.

I want to rebel against the guidelines that have been set before me. I want to eat more carbs than I am supposed to, I want to eat more food than I am supposed to. I am what Geneen Roth calls a Permitter and boy, do I fit that description to a T. I want to throw out the rules and live and let live. The problem is that in doing so I am slowly killing myself. I mean how many health-related problems does a woman have to have before she cries enough?

Part of the permitter syndrome is falling prey to the Inner Voice I mentioned before. The Voice that says, "You're fat, unlovable, unworthy, selfish, dumb..." To shut the Voice down you can either stuff it down with food or feel the feelings behind it. This morning I chose to stuff it down.

Feeling the feelings behind the false beliefs of the Voice is tough stuff. I feel so much better when I choose to eat with no T.V., chewing thoughtfully, feeling and tasting the food. It's so much tastier and satisfying when you slow down and enjoy your eating. So why am I not doing it all the time?

I must remind myself that I am better than being a woman with type-two diabetes, high blood pressure, and sleep apnea. I deserve more than that. I can get my weight under control and must do so. In doing that I can start to control those things that I just mentioned. I can beat back the Inner Voice. I can eat consciously and I enjoy doing so. I just need to do these positive moves more often.

It's all about making choices. I hope yours are good ones.