Tuesday, October 14, 2008

One for Wednesday

I made it through another day. It was rather uninspiring, especially when the technology didn't work half the time. All I could think about was the mountain of things I could be doing in my room. We had an hour for lunch and I closed my door and went to work. Which means I was quiet, I ate a little, and I moved a lot of stuff around trying to get organized.

I made it to the gyn appointment and he is going to run some more bloodwork on me, Vitamin D and my hormone levels. Maybe that will explain my almost constant fevers and fatigue. I have recently started to take 2000 IU of D3 daily along with the multivitamin daily, since the Tysabri infusion, per that doctor's orders.

I also found out that although I am still the fattest person I know, I have lost about eight pounds. I guess that comes with not eating much. I finally threw out the cheesecake, almost a crime, I know. My goal is for my fridge to be almost empty except for milk, lots of water, condiments, and maybe just a few actual pieces of food.

I am trying to not purchase much new food and I have some things in the freezer and soups and such that I can eat. I am usually eating cereal at lunch and then something small at dinner time. I am trying to not do the purge thing and just restrict the rest of this.

I only took out real garbage and recyclables to to the dumpster area tonight, no time for cleaning and bagging up the mess that seems to be smothering me. I also took a nap when I came home from the doctor's office and I have just finished typing up a new worksheet for ELA and making a new decimals unit test that is still printing out on my copier.

I am eager to speak with my psychologist on Friday to discuss all these new aspects to this depression. I still only allow myself music in the car or TV on at home at certain times. I used to like the sound but now it bothers and distracts me, it's like I have to earn the privilege. I have all these rules I made up that make no sense, maybe to try to control some part of me when I feel as if everything else is whirling away from me.

I reach out for it but it's just beyond my grasp.

I look and act happy around others but I don't feel it inside at all. I prefer to be quiet, solemn, asleep if at all possible. Three more days, three more days and then I can talk and see if I can find some answers.

1 comment:

Heather said...

You said you look and act happy but you don't feel it inside. I know how you feel. I really have been feeling sad and angry and overwhelmed lately. I'm not looking forward to the winter moving in on us. I'm glad you are getting help with all of this. I seem to just not have the time to get help. It's tough with a baby. I'll send some happy thoughts your way.