One for Wednesday

I made it through another day. It was rather uninspiring, especially when the technology didn't work half the time. All I could think about was the mountain of things I could be doing in my room. We had an hour for lunch and I closed my door and went to work. Which means I was quiet, I ate a little, and I moved a lot of stuff around trying to get organized.

I made it to the gyn appointment and he is going to run some more bloodwork on me, Vitamin D and my hormone levels. Maybe that will explain my almost constant fevers and fatigue. I have recently started to take 2000 IU of D3 daily along with the multivitamin daily, since the Tysabri infusion, per that doctor's orders.

I also found out that although I am still the fattest person I know, I have lost about eight pounds. I guess that comes with not eating much. I finally threw out the cheesecake, almost a crime, I know. My goal is for my fridge to be almost empty except for milk, lots of water, condiments, and maybe just a few actual pieces of food.

I am trying to not purchase much new food and I have some things in the freezer and soups and such that I can eat. I am usually eating cereal at lunch and then something small at dinner time. I am trying to not do the purge thing and just restrict the rest of this.

I only took out real garbage and recyclables to to the dumpster area tonight, no time for cleaning and bagging up the mess that seems to be smothering me. I also took a nap when I came home from the doctor's office and I have just finished typing up a new worksheet for ELA and making a new decimals unit test that is still printing out on my copier.

I am eager to speak with my psychologist on Friday to discuss all these new aspects to this depression. I still only allow myself music in the car or TV on at home at certain times. I used to like the sound but now it bothers and distracts me, it's like I have to earn the privilege. I have all these rules I made up that make no sense, maybe to try to control some part of me when I feel as if everything else is whirling away from me.

I reach out for it but it's just beyond my grasp.

I look and act happy around others but I don't feel it inside at all. I prefer to be quiet, solemn, asleep if at all possible. Three more days, three more days and then I can talk and see if I can find some answers.