Friday, October 3, 2008

Depression, Friday

I saw my therapist today and he immediately noticed that I am truly in a deep depression. He was surprised how far and how fast this one has hit. Within three weeks of my last visit it's gone from work being tolerable to life appearing to be intolerable.

I can barely keep my eyes open because I am so tired. By the middle of the day it's like walking through mud with weights attached to my eyelids and cotton in my brain. It's an exhausted feeling that can't really be described but if you don't ever have to feel like that, you're in a good spot.

I'm still generally not eating breakfast or lunch. I do try to eat dinner but I'm ashamed to admit that two of the last four days has led to dinner coming back up in a rather disgusting and unusual bad habit way. I'm working on that though.

I generally don't call and talk to my friends anymore. If they call, I often let it go to voice mail. What is there to say when you feel like this? I imagine it would be rather boring listening to me not talking or answering in monotone. This type of depression is so deep and thorough that it has spread to my core.

I have three days off now so I can sleep in and nap when I need it. The first Tysabri infusion is on Monday afternoon. I am praying that this drug will be another piece of my arsenal. Everything else has failed in the fight against multiple sclerosis.

Now I am fighting a second-front war against depression, struggling to survive and get better and be able to work. I have to make it to ten years in my current job. That means I also need to get my paper work turned in soon to see how much time I can buy back.

I'll keep you posted. As always, thanks for reading and offering your support.

4 comments:

LISA EMRICH said...

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. Here's to hoping that the Tysabri infusion gives you a much needed boost against MS and helps to raise your spirits. Glad to hear that you met with your therapist.

RSDsux said...

I am so very sorry that you are going through all of that ((hugs)). I suffer from a chronic pain condition called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (I developed it when I was 12 years old, I am now 13) and I also become depressed at times, I think it goes hand-in-hand with pain. If you ever need to talk, I am here for you.
I really enjoy reading your blog and I really hope that the Tyabri helps you.
Love, Alison

SwampAngel65 said...

I know how awful that deep depression is. I went through it many years ago and it hurts me to even think back on how I felt at that time and the things I did.

I'll say a prayer for you and I hope you start to feel a little better each day, esp. after you get your Tysabri.

It WILL get better...it will.

Heather said...

I will keep you in my thoughts.