Monday, October 13, 2008

If I'm on an AD and taking an anti-anxiety drug, why do I feel this way?

Last night was awful. I did manage to dye my hair but emerged from the tub weeping and overwhelmed but I'm not sure by what. Then I rolled into a rage and agitation so strong that it's all I could do not to break everything in my rotten little apartment. I wanted to hurt people or things and I didn't know why.

The self-punishment aspect of this depression is strong, like a ferocious dog who has his favorite toy in his mouth and he's unwilling to give it up no matter how hard you try to pull it away. His teeth have chomped down tightly on it and his head is shaking from side to side and he's growling, trying to tell you to leave his toy alone.

Last night, I gathered up two large garbage bags of stuff, plus two large bags of books and dragged it up the stairs and out to the dumpster for the dumpster diver man. He will think he's found garbage utopia with all my stuff neatly bagged and ready to go. I even thoughtfully placed the bags outside the dumpster making the grab and go part of his routine even easier.

I stayed up late again last night and finally allowed myself to eat after a horrendous food episode earlier in the day. The broken blood vessels make me look like I have really bad zits on my normally clear skin. It's freakish but a reminder to me that when I look in the mirror I shouldn't be so smug and think that I am doing well, because I am not.

Some of you have left me comments about taking meds for this and I do take meds.

Updated after visiting the Psych R.N. this morning:

I had called and left a message around 8 a.m. at the Psych R.N.'s office about my downward spiral and he returned my call shortly afterward, so he asked me to come in ASAP, which I did wearing clothes from yesterday and taking no shower.

He has changed my meds and removed the Wellbutrin XL as that may be behind the suicidal ideation at that higher dosage. Plus, it's one of those drugs you don't give to people who purge because they can seriously cause some damage with seizures and such.

I am now on Lexapro, which I have been on before, and Abilify (something new for me), plus the Xanax. I am to call him on Thursday or Friday and let him know if I am feeling any better. I also see my talk therapist/psychologist on Friday and we'll have sooooooooo much to talk about.

I look like a woman come undone and I sound like one when I talk and I'm not pretending to be fake. I sat with my hair sticking up at the pharmacy with sunglasses on, reading while waiting for a new round of scripts to be filled, designed to make me feel better, or at least not allow me to feel any worse.

I came home and took a nap which was nice, although I'm still tired. I also called my neurologist's office as depression can be a side effect of Tysabri and I wanted to update them on my new med changes. The nice phone receptionist said she would leave a message for the doctor so we'll see if he actually calls back tonight.

I do have to work tomorrow but not with kids, so that is a huge plus. I reached out and asked for help and I'll just take it day-by-day again. Perhaps this new drug cocktail will be the one that wakes me up and shakes off this horrible overcoat of pain and sadness. That's what I'm hoping.

1 comment:

Denver Refashionista said...

Oh honey. I want to give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. I actually first acknowledged my own depression when I too flew into a rage for no apparent reason and wanted to break things.

I does seem maybe your med cocktail was partly to blame. So far my body is not adjusting well to mine but menatlly the fog is lifting a little.

I just started a book and CD called "Break through Pain" by Shinzen Young. I am finding the CD very soothing.

I am going to send you love and positive thoughts. Keep on taking deep breaths.