Saturday, October 18, 2008

Baby steps

I had the hardest time falling asleep last evening, even with all my meds and an extra Klonopin thrown in for good measure. I was tired but my brain wouldn't, couldn't, or didn't want to shut itself down no matter what I wanted.

Part of it might have been the horrible steam/boiler/hot water heater repeat incident from last night. I mentioned calling the fire department a few Sundays ago and it was for the same thing. This time the people upstairs were home and they came running down the stairs to see that I was absolutely not setting off fireworks and surface-to-air missiles. The steam was pouring out and up the stairs, it smelled horrid, and it sounded like 78 MRI machines all banging and clanging and hissing at the same time.

This time when I called the "super" (and I am using this term loosely) he actually called me back even though he was already well on his way to being trashed at 8:30 p.m. He slurred through his message and sent someone over to look at it. This same person has been here looking at the dang thing for weeks now and it still acts up. I'm afraid the place is just going to blow up one of these days.

Eventually I did get to sleep, even after forcing myself to finish reading a book I didn't want to finish but sleep beggars cannot be choosers when one is trying to force themselves to pass out.

Today I woke up too early thanks to my wonder feline who can and does sleep anywhere. He wanted to be fed. Now. Not in an half hour. Now. Now! Now! Now!

I got up because it was easier than suffocating myself with a pillow and I had dropped the water sprayer I use on wonder feline to buy a few more minutes of sleep behind the bed. I couldn't reach it because I have a sleigh type bed with all those little tiny slats that my fat arm can't fit through.

After feeding wonder feline, I showered and went off to the hospital. I was there at 8:15 for bloodwork after throwing in a load of laundry back at the apartment. I came back, clipped coupons from several weeks back, packed a box to mail to my college pal in ME, filled out a Hoops and Yoyo card for BJM (whose birthday I had forgotten much earlier this month), called her, and then off to the car I traversed again.

I finished more errands (groceries, PO, library drop box, bank) and came home to nap. This time I could sleep, thank goodness. Upon waking I cut up veggies and stuff to make a homemade lasagna. It has recently finished cooking and looks and smells divine. My goal for the rest of the weekend is no purging and occasionally attempting to smile.

I may even consider going to see a movie tomorrow. Considering doesn't mean going but it's just one of a series of baby steps I'm practicing.

It's much nicer to feel this way rather than ruminating on the cold steel taste of a revolver in the mouth or a long perpendicular cut down your arm. For what it's worth, I'll take feeling a little better.

1 comment:

Heather said...

It is so frustrating when you are so tired and just can't get to sleep. My husband always tells me to stop thinking and shut off my brain. Seriously that is easier said than done.

You sound good! I hope you have a great week! (I will do my best to call my neurologist this week and get myself figured out. I'll keep you posted.)