Monday, December 8, 2008

MS and One's Feelings

I'm taking today's post from a response that I gave to another teacher with MS who's also a blogger. It's all about emotions and feelings and how they can change and do change through the course of this disease. Just like this disease can change from one day to the next so can the way you view it and describe it. The picture at the top will make more sense in a few paragraphs.

Vulnerable is a good word to use when describing MS and my feelings. I never know when or if something will get better, or if something new will act up, or if something else will just get worse. I'm at the mercy of MS and I'm not all that jazzed about it.

I felt like my blogger friend did after our most recent MRIs which showed positive results. I felt happy but then divided. Why didn't I feel better if some of my brain lesions had disappeared? I know others without a lot of MS knowledge would just assume that I must be better if the MRI was better but I know that's not the truth. It's not the same as a cut that gets a band aid and then a few days later it's all healed. MS doesn't work that way. MS does what it wants when it wants and you're at its beck and call.

MS sure has my brain wrapped up like a See-N-Say, remember those toys from childhood? You pulled the handle and it stopped on a picture and made a noise. Except someone else is pulling the handle and a random emotion comes up. That's how I often feel. What will it be today? Depression, elation, boredom, loneliness, anger, happiness...

That's why the picture is at the top. I know I can control my emotions to an extent but there are some things that are out of my control. I do the best I can and I know my medicines help me. Some people don't believe in antidepressants but I cannot live without them. They keep me from living on a constant pull-and-twirl cycle of sadness and self-loathing. Boy, are those meds worth it.

I may get sadness now and then on my emotional See-N-Say but not every day and that is a step in the right direction.


Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for understanding!

Shauna said...

Even though we see improvements on our MRIs, that is not the only measure of MS activity. Lesions leave behind a chemistry that we currently can't measure, though that particular field is being studied as I type and you read. And remember, too, that our brains have been physically changed and many of us don't go back to the way we were before MS.

The See 'n' Say is a great analogy of MS. Wish I had thought of