Day 2 of working towards some healthiness, in more ways than one

Weight: Gigantor

Cigarettes: 0 (This will always be a zero but is part of my ode to Bridget Jones)

Alcohol: 0 (This will also always be zero too but it makes me look good in one aspect of my life.)

Mood: Optimistic but with some hunger pangs now and again

MS: Some back pain and some muscle twitches in the eyelids, the fingers, left shoulder, the sides of my mid-section and the right leg (sounds worse than it is)

Okay, I survived day one of the Special K eating plan. I did slightly overeat at dinner but not any sweets, so I'll take it as a move in the right direction.

Breakfast is cereal with skim milk and some fruit. I need to eat the fruit here soon. I swallowed my 5 different morning meds, my multivitamin, my first Omega3 fish oil frozen pill (freeze it to get rid of the fishy taste!), and my 5000 IU of D3 with some water.

I can have two snacks that belong to the Special K family along with a cereal lunch. Then dinner is a normal dinner, not a pizza blowout. Good thing I like the different cereals they have.

Someone asked if this was the healthiest thing to do. The answer is of course it's not. But for now it's a great kick in the pants for me. I haven't been eating three times a day, I haven't been thinking carefully about what to eat when, and I like that this is easy, there's not much thinking about it and the plan is simple.

So for now and for me, this is a good start. (But thanks for worrying about me!)

Back to the weight issue. My weight is used as a barrier to keep others away from me, especially men. I use weight to stay away from men because my relationships with them have been generally disastrous. I grew up with a strong attachment to my mother because I wasn't allowed to see my bio-dad for most of my life for different reasons, most of them having to do with my mother.

While growing up, my mother was mostly always angry with me and filled with some angry words that made me feel completely unworthy for the most part. There were times when she was loving and I craved those few and far between moments. I grew up feeling very unloved and feeling unwanted. I didn't have my father around and I was too young to understand why he disappeared from my life. I had a mother who I wanted to cling to but she was so young and busy and immersed in a new marriage that eventually brought new children that she didn't have time for my neediness.

So weight serves that purpose for me. It's a barrier between myself and others because I grew up feeling as if I didn't belong, as if I was all wrong, as if wanting to be loved was a bad thing. Weight keeps people from getting too close and then leaving me because they never have that opportunity anymore, I don't allow it.

More messy stuff dragged from the closet and exposed to the light. Sometimes this emotional stuff can hurt as much as some of the physical aspects of MS.