Saturday, December 13, 2008
Insert musical score from "Jaws" here. Now step on the scale and see if you get eaten by the shark. I always do and it's because I don't treat my body like the temple it's supposed to be. My bod is more like a run-down version of the "Psycho" hotel. A really run-down version. Worse than what you see on the Extreme Makeover Home Edition.
I am falling apart.
And it's not all due to MS.
I have been heavier than normal my whole life, as long as I can remember. When I was young, before school started, I seemed to play outside plenty and run but my Nana used to feed me to quiet me down. I lived with her and my Poppy and my Mom for a while. My mom was preggers with me her senior year in high school and was training to be a nurse and dating so she was gone a lot. There is one night I remember from being quite young where I was crying for my mother and my grandfather told my grandmother to shut me up. She did by giving me candy.
Ah, the sweet beginnings of a distorted view of food in my life.
I can't imagine I'm alone with the distorted view of food thing and the jokes about the scale. I know others who are thin and also have scale issues. Why is that we women allow ourselves to be defined by a number on an inanimate object?
Part of it is health, which I am not really at all healthy. I do exercise now that I am on a leave of absence from my teaching job. I have the time to do so whereas when I work that is all that I do: write plans, grade papers, make up worksheets, and try to find ways to make learning more interesting. I exercise very slooooooowly and sometimes painfully. It's verrrrrrrry low impact and I sometimes pay the piper the next day. It's something I have to do if I ever want to fit comfortably into my giant pants again. Right now the pants I have for my fatter than usual days don't fit and I am concerned about the lack of breathing and moving room in all my trousers.
Ergo, something must be done.
Today starts a new chapter in my life with the scale. I am going to devote two weeks to the Special K challenge where they "guarantee" that if you eat 2 bowls of their cereal a day plus snacks and a regular meal in the evening that you can lose up to 6 pounds in two weeks. You read that right, I am going to pull a Bridget Jones and try to better myself.
I'll keep you updated as each hunger gnawing day passes and I'll also continue to write about weight. The shrink and I had a long talk yesterday about why I stay fat and how fat serves a purpose in my life. Believe it or not it serves several purposes and none of them are healthy ones. This blog is supposed to be about shoving the messy stuff out of the closet, bringing it out to the light, dusting it off, and seeing if any of it really deserves to be kept around. So here we go with day 1.
Feeling: Positive but with some sense of caution