Thursday, April 23, 2009

Waiting out the weight

Isn't it odd that the homonyms weight and wait are both things that can irritate us? Most women, even the gorgeous ones, have issues with their weight. And who likes to wait for things? Waiting for the doctor, or a late friend, or waiting for the green light on the day you left the house a few minutes later than normal... You get the idea.

I wonder why so many women in this country have weight issues? Is it really due to models and TV shows and the fact that "bad" food tastes good and is usually cheaper than the "good" food? By all rights I shouldn't be fat. I mean I was an excellent bulimic for years and kept my weight down between healthy and unhealthy. I purged my way to a slender body with great leg muscles from all the running I did. I could purge with the best of them and did in high school and college.

Yet here I am, very overweight, even the O word and I don't mean Oprah.

I have been seeing a nutritionist and that's not working for me. There are things holding me back from losing the extra lbs. I've talked about some of this before. Intimacy issues, family issues, and self esteem issues. Many of my friends seem to really like me so why don't I like me enough to get rid of the weight?

I'm talking this through with my super therapist who I have been seeing for almost nine years now. Yeah, I've had that much crap that I have needed to weed through. He's good though and I wouldn't trade him for the world. We have an excellent rapport and there isn't much, if anything, that I hold back from him.

But when will I like me? I eat to comfort and soothe myself because I don't like myself very much. Then I have this barrier/safety blanket around me so that if other people don't like me, it can bounce right off the fat and I don't have to think about it. I figure if I don't like me, then most other people won't either. If I look fat and unlikeable then I am unlikeable to others. It's a way of pushing people away, especially men.

Most of you have read about my wasband and the abuse I suffered at his hands. After him I went from man to man to man, countless men to numb the pain from one. I was heavier then but not like this. I used my body to connect with men and let them use me. The few relationships I had would last only 6 months and then I was back on the man-wagon. I was addicted to being in a relationship or dating, often seeing two men on the same night. I thought I was using them but in reality they were using me.

There's family issues, feelings of abandonment, feelings of failure, feelings of never being good enough. I grew up chubby and was quieted at my grandparent's house with food when I cried for my mother. (I lived with them and my mother when I was very young.) I remember my grandfather yelling at my grandmother to shut me up by feeding me. This must have been about three or four years old. A powerful message to learn so young.

There's lots of reasons I am holding on to the fat. Now I want to supplant food with other things, positive things, things that I can do that show I like myself. Some of the things I do is come here and write and get my story out. Another thing I do is call my friends and talk to them about things but the two of them are getting worn out by me, I think. Thanks BJM and LAP. I'm trying to live more in the now than in the what could or might happen to me. I am trying to acknowledge feelings more and deal with them.

I still like my goodies though. I know lots of you out there have dealt with weight issues or are dealing with them now. How do you move past the danger zone into the light? What do you do to soothe and comfort yourself? I'm looking for any suggestions that you have.

It's time to share, if you dare! Help me out with your stories and I'll keep writing as I process it all.


pUNKrOCKfairy said...

I don't know either, but I want to know too.

Unlike you, I have no idea what it was that led me to food for comfort. And I find it ironic that the last time I successfully lost a significant amount of weight, I was genuinely and thoroughly depressed. I seem to seek edible comfort for the more everday-types of stresses (ie. work tension, too tired to find/make something healthy, or just boredom) rather than the bigger issues.

If you find a better way to deal, please pass it along.

Anonymous said...

Those of us who know how far you have come already know that when you are ready, when you have all the pieces into place, you will conquer this issue. As far as your friends getting worn out by you, it could not ever be possible! You bring so much joy and love into the lives of your friends, you couldn't possibly wear us out.

Anonymous said...

I have to echo the previous anonymous, Babs. You, Weebs, will choose the right foods when it becomes important to you, for whatever reason convinces you. As I told you in an earlier post, I decided, on diagnosis, that I was not willing to be an obese patient in a nursing home (heavy lift for underpaid workers)... I haven't the patience to count calories and measure portions, so I eliminated whole categories of foods - those foods that I chose to believe were delivering daily headaches along with extra pounds.

Once I cut out all meat, almost all dairy, everything fried, and chose only salads, whole wheat breads and pastas, along with a lot of fresh fruit (and yes, those choices are more expensive than fast food, but I'm worth it!) the pounds came off steadily. I kept my beloved dark chocolate, but dropped the rest of the caffeine. It took me a year, but that gave me time to adjust.

That's my choice, Weebs, and with my conscience freed of being a future physical burden came the bonus of smaller clothes, easier walking, and no more headaches.

MS brought a lot of negatives my way, but controlling my size was something still in my control, and brought rewards.

I won't tell you to join me in this - I wouldn't have done this on someone else's suggestion - I had to come to this myself. I found for that year that I had to defend my rather unorthodox diet to others, but I've learned now not to respond to their critiques and suggestions. I let my success speak for itself. Some get it - some don't.

When it's really important to you, you'll find your way. Maybe it will be to free your conscience, or to show compassion for those in our future. Self preservation, or altruism ... Whatever works.

Stuff could always be worse said...

I wish I knew what makes the weight thing so different on everybody. My husband has always struggled with his weight. He did lose 100 pounds with diabetic diet but now he has gained it back after 2 years. Then I am trying to gain weight, all bones, it is hard to live in our house. Opposites.

Weeble Girl said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. I need to ruminate on this some more. I know it will happen when it is time for ME to do this.

I think a lot of it has to do with self acceptance.


Lanette said...

Society has turned eating into a social event. Do we get together with friends to go to the gym together and work out? Go for a hike? Bike Ride? Camping? No, we don't. We say, let's grab dinner and catch up or hey, want to do lunch and go shopping?

I personally am working on changing my diet, so in the not to distant future when I see friends it won't be to eat with them. I better start thinking now of other and more fun things we can do together. If you have ideas do let me know!