Deconstructing bio-dad

Sunday was a big day for me, a huge day actually. I went to see my bio-dad with my trusty friend BJM. This was the first time I've seen my bio-dad in about eight years. The last time I saw him I freaked out afterward because I wasn't used to him and the idea that he wanted to really get to know me. So I backed away and only recently started talking to him on the phone again.

This time, eight years later, I was in a much more secure place in my life. My mother has some pretty intense feelings that she still holds against my bio-dad but I am over the fact that she hates him. I'm past the idea that she might be angry with me if she knew that I saw him. This time it's about me establishing a relationship with my b-d (bio-dad) for me. It's not about going against my mother or trying to hurt her, it's about me trying to make more sense of my life.

When we arrived my aunt Nancy was there. She stayed for a long time talking about her family while I waited for my b-d to be free to talk to me. Thank goodness for BJM who kept me company while we waited. I also talked to my step-mother (is that what she is?) while we waited for Aunt N to leave.

I also met my Uncle Jimmy at the end of the visit. He's a character and from what I saw, I liked him.

BJM noticed that I looked like my dad, especially my nose and eyes. She said that when he talked it was like looking at my face. I smiled a lot and I think he did also.

It's so weird to know that this man is related to me and he bizarrely thinks I'm perfect, no matter what. I'm not used to this kind of unconditional acceptance. I finally feel like I am opening up to learning more about myself, my past, and my father.

It was liberating to go there and just talk to him about anything. There were no hard feelings on his part toward my mother. It has been almost forty years now.

There's more that could probably be written but some of it is still being digested at the moment. I'm picturing the inside of my head like a dryer where things are twirling around, getting at the top and falling down to start twirling all over again.

I do know I feel positive and hopeful after the trip yesterday. That's a good thing.