Off to see my bio-dad

Some of you who read this may be familiar with my family structure. Others are not. So in fairness to everyone I'll bore you all as I go through my family tree as quickly as I can.

I have one mother. Duh!

She got pregnant with me when she was a senior in high school. Before she gave birth to me she married my biological-dad aka bio-dad. They stayed married for a short time. He went to Germany instead of Vietnam in the service. She decided the romance was over with a dear John letter. They split up and got an annulment, per my mother's wishes.

My mother met another man who just happened to rent a trailer on my bio-dad's dad's land. (That would make the landowner my paternal bio-grandfather.) They got together somehow some way murkily in the time line.

My mother remarried (or married for the first real time according to the annulment) the man she met who rented a trailer from my bio-dad's dad's land. My bio-dad signed papers that gave up all rights to me per my mother's wishes. He thought it over for a long time before he signed them but he believed he was doing the right thing.

So I have two dads: my bio-dad and my adoptive dad whose last name I took when my mother married.

My bio-dad and I are going to meet again tomorrow after a brief meeting eight years ago. Before that meeting eight years ago I hadn't seen him since I was a toddler. Needless to say, my mother never told me about my bio-dad until I was in 6th grade. I knew about him long before she told me because I had ears and eyes and I heard things and read things. I also could add and remembered being in my parents' wedding in 1975.

So I grew up with one family where I have a younger half-brother and half-sister biologically. I don't look much like them as they are tall and thin. Curses for me in the genetic gene pool lottery.

I also have another "family" through my bio-dad. He remarried and I have another half-sister and two half-brothers biologically. I spent most of my life feeling as if no one wanted me because my father signed me away and had nothing to do with me. I also had a feeling of abandonment or not being good enough even in my own family as I was growing up. When my mother was angry or displeased with me, which was often, she wouldn't always treat me very nicely. Let's just say I grew up with low self esteem, extreme shyness, and weight issues. (Funny, I still have two out of three of those issues still today.)

My mother doesn't talk about my bio-dad EVER. There are no pictures of me in the house as a baby, no baby book even though I was the first and most people are rigorous about writing and detailing what the first-born did. I'm not allowed to ask about my dad because I have been told that "it's not my business." There is some bad blood there between my mother and my bio-dad. There's not any from him to her because it's been so long in time. I guess my mother is really good at holding a grudge or trying to punish other people.

Most people who do know me don't know this story. It's one that is supposed to stay hidden but I am tired of trying to play the good girl even though it's an impossible role. I'm putting it out here so it's not hidden anymore. I'm doing what I said when I started this blog; I'm exposing the messy stuff to the light so that it loses its power over me.

Tomorrow I am going to see my bio-dad and I'm not going to feel bad about it.