Friday, November 14, 2008

Dreaming or your frightmare?



I woke up this morning around regular work time, which is about 5:30ish after having dreamed of work. Not work in a nice way but a typical frightmare where the students are being unruly and things are out of control.

I've been unofficially out of the classroom since Wednesday. Wednesday, people! And here I am having a typical work dream. How the heck is that for being on a "break" as Ross from Friends would call it?

I'm afraid that by the time I get back I will be unable to control them, them = small children, not knee-biter small but small enough that they still like cartoons and birthday parties. How could this even be a possibility? It's not one really but that's what it was like in my dream.

I'm walking around the classroom and kids are working on an assignment upside down, others aren't doing it at all, and others did it but lost it. It was clearly a Social Studies assignment in my dream as I just talked to the Special Ed teacher/super helper yesterday about the Social Studies state test and it's fairness. So that's why S.S. was on my mind.

Where does this fear and worry come from I ask myself. I've never had a problem like that in my classroom but I worry and fret about it nonetheless. What if I do all this resting and extra sleeping and take my bazillion pills and supplements and I walk back into my classroom and I am still a giant doofus?

What on Earth will I do then?

People ask me what I've been doing on my leave and the biggest thing is that I get to sleep a lot more, sleeping later and taking a nap. The depression is getting better now that I am out from under the constant strain of paperwork and being "on" like a Broadway performer five days a week. I am taking my supplements and my pills and exercising slooooowly, pathetically slowly. How 20 minutes of moving can wear my body out like it does it amazing to even me.

I notice the lack of paying attention is still a problem for me. I drive and look around me instead of at the actual road. I'm rather interested in traffic and cars and people on the sidewalk, when I should be interested in what is in front of me and traffic lights! It's like a crow going after something shiny. I'm the crow and the whole world seems to be shiny.

My hands have good days and bad still. I think not writing plans and grading and making up worksheets has helped that issue. My back and legs have brought themselves into the fold and started acting up recently, most likely due to the excessive exercise of 20 minutes almost daily.

What if I do all this resting and that frightmare comes true? That's the scary thing for me.

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