Spent (and I don't mean cash)

I have sucked it up and gone to work the rest of the week after taking Monday off. I am now completely exhausted between work, MS, and my period. There's a gift that keeps on giving; giving me cramps and bloating and low back pain and extra fatigue. Thanks Mother Nature!

Tomorrow is my birthday. We have to go listen to Curriculum Mapping (in my head Crapping) Lady at another school. Then we need to drive back to our school and listen to someone else blah blah at us. The good news is that I can sleep in because someone else is picking me up around 7:45. I will take that and perhaps even offer up what looks like a partial smile because of the extra sleep.

Today I experienced a frightening moment while teaching math. I was up at the board and suddenly couldn't figure out what we were doing. I was standing there and literally saying to the other adult in the room, "I'm lost in this problem. I'm not sure what I'm doing."

The kids are trying to say stuff and my mind is tuned to off. I have no idea what I am doing or how to finish the problem. I'm looking like an idiot and looking at the board and trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do.

Rather frightening. Panicky. How do you even get the point across that you are in danger and truly need help? I was trying to shoot up the flare and wave the flag but no one really knew what I meant.

Eventually it came back to me, and as flustered as I was, I kept on going.

But Jesus, Mary and Joseph, how do you not let that roll around in your head for a while? I felt panicky the rest of the day. I ate lunch in my room, feeling stressed again.

I know I misspeak and I did so yesterday when I was actually alone in the room and I have no idea what I said. I just know that I wasn't being funny and there was a point where many kiddos just started laughing loudly at me. That didn't feel good at all. I just hope there were no cuss words involved.

So I'm praying on the way to and from work and at bedtime, asking St. Jude to help me out. I'm doggy paddling and my face seems to keep dropping below the surface of the pool. The thing is I know I am a great swimmer. I love swimming. I have been swimming for years and years.

Now it just seems like my arms and legs are flailing about and I can't get into any rhythm. It is scary to me because I am getting more and more overwhelmed with work. I feel like everything is so much of a struggle. It isn't getting better or easier.

I'm thinking of a nap here in a few minutes so I can stay up past 8 to watch Survivor. It's one of my favorite shows and I never watch anything on TV from 8-9 p.m. That is being in my bed, on the verge of lapsing into a med-induced coma time.

Happy birthday to me.

PS: On the Tysabri front, the neuro's office called yesterday because for some reason the lab couldn't test for the JC virus when I gave blood last week. It has to be done again. I don't live near their little lab so I called back and asked if they could mail me the lab slip so I could go to the local hospital.

Someone was supposed to call back today and let me know about the whole shebang but they didn't. I am hoping that the slip will come in the mail on Friday or Saturday. Obviously, this means no Tysabri next week because the infusion center is open for Ty patients on M-W only.

Sigh, so it goes.