Monday, plan of stupidity

The plan didn't work so well. I have decided to just keep on planning and most likely teaching everything. It's too much hassle to find work for someone else to do because if I'm already explaining it then I might as well just do it.

I called the psych R.N. and will be seen there on Wednesday. That's something to look forward to in my pathetic existence.

I called the neurologist's office hoping that maybe they'd offer me a round of IV steroids, which I abhor by the way, but I am desperate. I told the nurse about my daily fevers, and the pain in my back and legs, and the cognitive stuff and the depression. The nurse talked to the P.A. who said, "Yep, it sounds like your MS is acting up."

No sh!t, Sherlock. Then they offered to write me a note so I can get out of work.

The ultimate advice was to wait until I get Tysabri, which is at best another week and more likely two weeks away, because that will solve all my problems. (Yes, that's the gist of the conversation.)

Wow, are you kidding me because I know people who are on Tysabri who weren't miraculously cured with one infusion or even many of them. I must be special.

I have not felt really decent for several days in a row since about April which is when I had the last round of steroids. Go figure.

I'm miserable in the heat and May and especially June were horrid for me to try and teach and not want to hurt small children. Summer was a mess because my apartment has huge windows which face the sun so my apartment was always ridiculously hot. I hardly ever went outside which is one really awesome way to not spend your summer.

I have been "hanging in there" all summer with the other neuro's office. I am so f*cking tired of hanging in there. This hasn't been days and not just even September where I have been feeling lousy. It's been most every day since May for crying out loud.

I stayed tonight and cleaned off my desk and put out buckets for their assignments that the children don't do. Then I have to remember who didn't do what because they have missed three things and need new sheets. I can't find the d@mn sheets. I can't find my sanity right now.

I am so sick and tired of waiting and hanging in there. Right now the rope is fraying and my plan is obviously stupid because it just doesn't work. Another brilliantly f*cked up example of how I can't do the smallest of things to make it better. There just isn't the time during the day to plan it all out because I have to spend every waking moment involved in some aspect of this stupid job, like marking papers which I can't remember what the answers are even though it's the twelfth paper I've marked. It's like looking at a blank slate every time.

I know everyone wants to help but it only ends up with me having more work and more panic and more anxiety.

Now I need to go because there is more work that isn't done, of course, and I need to devote the rest of my evening to maybe finding something to eat and then grading more work and making up new worksheets because this math group couldn't be much lower.

Yes, I know I'm b!thcing but I think I have earned it. That's what happens when you hang in there for five or six months. You start to hurt and feel frustrated and mad and angry at yourself because you can't do one thing right that will help you in the long run.

I cried coming home in the car today and my contact fell out. I'm praying and begging for help here and I'm in more pain today than normal. I know we all have burdens to bear but could someone else take this for a while?

I've just reached my limit.