Monday, September 29, 2008

Monday, plan of stupidity

The plan didn't work so well. I have decided to just keep on planning and most likely teaching everything. It's too much hassle to find work for someone else to do because if I'm already explaining it then I might as well just do it.

I called the psych R.N. and will be seen there on Wednesday. That's something to look forward to in my pathetic existence.

I called the neurologist's office hoping that maybe they'd offer me a round of IV steroids, which I abhor by the way, but I am desperate. I told the nurse about my daily fevers, and the pain in my back and legs, and the cognitive stuff and the depression. The nurse talked to the P.A. who said, "Yep, it sounds like your MS is acting up."

No sh!t, Sherlock. Then they offered to write me a note so I can get out of work.

The ultimate advice was to wait until I get Tysabri, which is at best another week and more likely two weeks away, because that will solve all my problems. (Yes, that's the gist of the conversation.)

Wow, are you kidding me because I know people who are on Tysabri who weren't miraculously cured with one infusion or even many of them. I must be special.

I have not felt really decent for several days in a row since about April which is when I had the last round of steroids. Go figure.

I'm miserable in the heat and May and especially June were horrid for me to try and teach and not want to hurt small children. Summer was a mess because my apartment has huge windows which face the sun so my apartment was always ridiculously hot. I hardly ever went outside which is one really awesome way to not spend your summer.

I have been "hanging in there" all summer with the other neuro's office. I am so f*cking tired of hanging in there. This hasn't been days and not just even September where I have been feeling lousy. It's been most every day since May for crying out loud.

I stayed tonight and cleaned off my desk and put out buckets for their assignments that the children don't do. Then I have to remember who didn't do what because they have missed three things and need new sheets. I can't find the d@mn sheets. I can't find my sanity right now.

I am so sick and tired of waiting and hanging in there. Right now the rope is fraying and my plan is obviously stupid because it just doesn't work. Another brilliantly f*cked up example of how I can't do the smallest of things to make it better. There just isn't the time during the day to plan it all out because I have to spend every waking moment involved in some aspect of this stupid job, like marking papers which I can't remember what the answers are even though it's the twelfth paper I've marked. It's like looking at a blank slate every time.

I know everyone wants to help but it only ends up with me having more work and more panic and more anxiety.

Now I need to go because there is more work that isn't done, of course, and I need to devote the rest of my evening to maybe finding something to eat and then grading more work and making up new worksheets because this math group couldn't be much lower.

Yes, I know I'm b!thcing but I think I have earned it. That's what happens when you hang in there for five or six months. You start to hurt and feel frustrated and mad and angry at yourself because you can't do one thing right that will help you in the long run.

I cried coming home in the car today and my contact fell out. I'm praying and begging for help here and I'm in more pain today than normal. I know we all have burdens to bear but could someone else take this for a while?

I've just reached my limit.


SwampAngel65 said...

Well, I won't tell you to hang in there, that's for sure! Bitch, rant and rave!!! Get as much out as you can!!! Yell and scream and cry and do whatever you need to feel a little better. I'd give you a hug, but you'd probably rip my head off (hehehe).

It can't get any worse...look at it that way. (I hope??)

*sparkle* said...

i'm sorry you're struggling right now, weeb! i have no answers... =\

maybe a lil advice: try not to lump sum; ie: a hot summer was summer, it isn't today in the classroom. try, if possible to focus on the moment, and just keep moving forward, even if just lil bits...

count your successes ~ like getting thru the grading and making that math worksheet ~ that is amazing, considering you feel like crap. geesh, even just eating is a success!

as you count your successes, you'll find your rythm... and you'll get thru this, and your first tysabri treatments... and you will continue to work toward a healthy you... and those kids will be better for having you as a teacher. really.

fighting with you in spirit ;)

Shauna said...

I'm sending good thoughts your way as well....good advice from Sparkle and Swampangel, too. Try to break down the day into segments and just get through each segment rather than thinking about the whole day and "all" the things to do.


BJM said...

I am praying for you to get through this. I am glad you are seeing the RN on Wednesday. No matter how badly you feel, please remember there are people who love you and are praying for you everyday.

BeeDancer said...

sorry i don't have more to offer, but i am sending good wishes and healing thoughts your way

Heather said...

I am a 2nd grade teacher who is taking off this school year to stay at home with our baby. I am also dealing with starting Rebif and handling all those fun side effects. I've told my husband many times that I am so thankful to not have to work this year (money is tough)b/c I have so much to deal with.

Teaching is seriously the toughest job-if done well and you actually care about the success of your students. Teaching is so stressful! The thing that I worry about when I go back is how I'm suppose to do all the work that I bring home. The amount of work that I do outside is ridiculous.

During my stay at home time I have been browsing different careers just for fun. I would love a 9-5:00 job where I didn't have to worry about work after work. I am not sure if I"m willing to give up my summer though. I really need that time. Well, when I think of it I only need that break b/c all year I've been so stressed. Maybe with a different job I wouldn't need such a long break. It's hard finding another job once your a teacher. Any ideas? Hey-we could go into something together. Just a though. (-:
I feel your frustration and will send warm thoughts your way.

Lauren said...

Hi Weeble,

Have you contacted your Tysabri Case Manager at 1-800-456-2255 to find out where you are in the Tysabri approval process, and when your infusion can be scheduled?

Seriously, the Tysabri Case Managers are there to help you, you shouldn't be going through all this hassle by yourself.

I'm sending you all my best supportive hugs...,

Lauren :)

Weeble Girl said...

Thanks everyone!

PS: I actually have something good to say today.