Saturday, September 20, 2008

It's half over

The weekend is now almost half over. I feel the dread creeping in as the new week approaches. We're three weeks in to a new school year and it's getting harder instead of easier. Teaching wasn't always like this. There were years when I loved it and the beginning years were definitely tough but this is different.

Completely different. No matter how much I work at school I'm not even close to being done with everything. I bring it home and try to do more but that barely gets done. Then the cycle starts again.

It's beyond frustrating. I feel cranky and miserable and there are times when I just sit and cry and all this while being on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication. I just had my AD dosage doubled before school started.

There is also something wrong with my right foot. I believe it to be plantar fasciitis which creates pain in your heel when you stand on it. It's been three weeks now and it isn't any better. I stretch it a lot but it doesn't seem to be helping any.

The pain in my foot has now created pain in my right hip. I walk differently because of the pain in my foot and every time I stand up and move, I feel it. My right hip bothers me all the time now after I get up from sitting and start to walk.

Getting out of bed in the morning is excruciating, both physically and mentally. I'm even getting a new "alarm" clock to try to help remedy this issue. I ordered the Moonbeam clock from L.L. Bean to try to make waking up in the morning a little less harsh. Instead of the shrieking noise it's supposed to wake you up gently as light slowly illuminates the room. There's also some sort of bell that is the backup to the light. Obviously, I will be testing this out on the weekend once I get it.

I hate the screeching pitch of the current stupid clock which is across the room. Then I have to try and catapult myself out of bed to turn it off. It's always a jarring annoyance to wake up and hobble over to the clock. I'm immediately reminded that it's another day of work/frustration and that I'm still in pain.

It looks like I may need to call my primary care doctor to have the hip and foot pain checked out. His office is about 45 minutes away from where I work and live so that means more time after work that I will not be working at home because I need to drive there, see the doc, and drive home. That puts me even further behind.

Do other people feel this way? My multiple sclerosis is not something you can really see. Yeah, I walk slower than anyone else in the building but my brain is overwhelmed constantly. I hate the feeling that resides in the pit of my rather large stomach because of this constant fear of Sunday and then Monday and the repeating cycle.

I need Tysabri to work some magic for me. I hope that it will help me in so many ways because if it doesn't I don't know how I will ever get to June in one sane, solid piece. Losing myself completely just isn't something I'm willing to do for the sake of other people's children.

I will do my best and I'm not giving up but I am also not staying after school every night with your child. I will stay one night a week and the special education teacher will stay another night. That's all I can give for now. I'm already there early and trying my best to remember what I started to write on the board just ten seconds ago.

I get lost in the sentences when I'm writing on the board. I get lost with my words and my thoughts when speaking. I got up to go close the door to my room on Friday and I closed the kids' closet door instead. Then I realize what I did (or didn't do) a minute later and got up to close the correct door.

I know we all forget things as we move around, from one room to another. I just do it hundreds of times a day. The paperwork that comes with teaching is astounding. I spend so much time touching, moving, passing out, collecting, and looking for papers. Kids lose their papers or turn them in late or I move the worksheets and I just want to scream.

I can't even cook anything in my apartment without using a timer that I have to carry with me because even though I may be fifty feet away from the kitchen I will forget what I am doing. I heat things up in the microwave and leave them there for an hour.

This week I noticed that I am forgetting phone numbers of people, people like my best friend who I talked to daily all summer. Now I start punching in numbers and then stop and stare at the phone. Then I hang up. Try again, but no more numbers come. Hang up. Repeat. Then I usually just put the phone back in its cradle and leave it.

This makes me mad and frustrated and stupid. Does anyone else with MS feel the same way?


pb said...

Yes! The timer is a great idea. I have to use things that make noise, lots of noise, because I forget all the time.

The washer, they dryer, the microwave, the toaster oven. I use them all with timers and alarms.

And--this is going to sound awful--I have the smoke alarm really close to the stove, just in case.

We actually joke that when it goes off, then lunch must be done...

Chelle said...

I found your blog through a friend of a friend. I am reading up on MS because I go tomorrow to get the results of my spinal tap. Most likely to be diagnosed with MS. I have so many of the same symptoms you described in your blogs w/the MS tag on them. I am forgetting things I never would have thought I would - I think of multiple things to blog about and sit to blog and immediately forget all but one of them. I used to be really accurate and fast with my typing but now I start typing one word and end with another more and more often. The pain I can associate with as well. Right now it is all in my back, top to bottom. I'm hoping they know whatever is wrong and that there is some kind of treatment for me to try. Thank you for blogging