I'm feeling defeated today.

Today is one of those days where you want to just fast forward past it to the good stuff. I am hoping that there is some good stuff coming tomorrow. I know it sure isn't knocking around in my brain or body today.

School starts soon for me, in two weeks and some change. Normally, at this time in August I am chomping at the bit, itching to get back in to my room to arrange it and get everything set up. Today I feel like that is a marathon of activity and I can't even envision doing it.

I'm not generally like this. I am usually happy, peppy, perky, smiley. Right now I feel completely defeated. I hate it. I feel like I hate me.

My fatigue is at a new summer high and a week on Ritalin which was supposed to "super duper pep me up" hasn't done anything. I sleep through the Ritalin. It does nothing for me.

I make the call to the neurologist's office, a call I really should have made tomorrow because that is one week since my last visit, and check in on the Ritalin wipe out and my week-long Rebif vacation. I am in a bad way, dear readers.

The doctor himself calls back to tell me the person I usually see is out of the office for the week but let's chat about my issues. Here's how the conversation went, not verbatim of course because I have MS:

Dr: I got a message to call you back.

Me: I left them information about the Ritalin, the Rebif and the fatigue. Did you get any of that message?

Dr: Yes, I see you are feeling more fatigued on the Ritalin. How tired are you?

Me: I can take the Ritalin and fall asleep an hour later. I can barely stay awake. I'm sleeping more than twelve hours a day, most days. When I am driving I can barely stay awake. I have to start work in two weeks. I'm really worried about getting through this fatigue.

Dr: Okay, just stop driving; that's not safe for you. Take the Ritalin for another week because sometimes it takes a while to kick in. Stay off your Rebif for another week and see if that makes any difference. Call me in another week.

There were more words in there but you get the gist. I wanted to say, "Seriously? Are you even listening to me?"

I know my body and how it's not working and how I feel like I am in a pit dug deep into the earth. I can hardly smile. I am depressed and I know it. I take meds for that depression but how long do I have to deal with this crap? It's been almost all my summer vacation where I have felt like dung. I'm supposed to be recharging my batteries here, not just hoping that the dead ones will make flashlight work.

I was hoping that when I called in I would get some sort of life rope thrown to me. I wasn't planning on being pushed under the water.

Especially after a visit last week when we were discussing a possible move to a new drug, Tysabri. We even discussed IV steroids last week and I hate, hate, hate them and I was going to say today, "Please order me a course of IV 'roids. I'm willing to do anything so I can feel better and be stronger for work."

I came home from doing some summer curriculum work this afternoon and I sat down and cried. I'm just wondering when I'll get to be me again. Apparently it won't be today.