New Year's Eve 2010

Can you believe we are on the cusp of another new year? Another month of writing the wrong last two digits in our checkbooks is coming our way again.

It's hard to believe that I will spend a whole year without my Dad in 2011. How is this even possible?

I went out to dinner with my Mom earlier this evening. It was somewhat awkward but I think she is trying to thaw the iceberg between us. Although I'm not sure if she sees the iceberg in the way. I know I do.

I am actually going to hang out with some friends tonight, not drinking, but playing some Wii "Just Dance 2" and I will be able to show off my superior dancing skills. Err, rather what I "think" are my superior dancing skills. I'm not sure if my friends know what they are in for yet.

I hope I don't look like Elaine from "Seinfeld"...

I don't really make resolutions but instead I just try to do and be better than I was the day before. I figure that a smile or a kind word costs nothing but can sure brighten someone's day. I may have limited financial resources and sometimes health concerns, but there are still many things I can do to make my life and the lives of others happier.

Wishing you a healthy, happy and safe new year. Bring on 2011!

Cleaning up

I packed away most of the Christmas decorations and such and I feel like a GIANT weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Who knew that cleaning up like that would make me feel lighter and freer?

I also have to admit I found a package that I swore I did NOT receive from Kohl's and that they re-sent some of the items express-wise for Christmas Eve. I have to admit, I don't know how I missed it. Now I need to call them and thank them for all that they did and take my lashings with a wet noodle.

I also took a shower today and that has made me feel more like an actual human, as well. Sometimes I know what I need to do to make myself feel better, but I fight it and don't do it.

Like exercise! When will I get myself back into that routine again?

****Taking a break to call Kohl's****

Okay, back from the call to Kohl's and they were wonderfully nice to me for my honesty. I just wanted to make sure I was charged properly for the expedited shipping and such because it was MY fault about the whole thing. And guess what, they are not going to charge me for the expedited shipping because it has already taken place and I was so honest. That would have been an extra 22 dollars just for shipping three very light items, so I really made out!

Not that I suggest you do what I did, which was NOT taking care of my stuff as it arrived and losing track of it. Then again, with Dad dying and my brother leaving for Afghanistan, I was not wholly in my right mind.

As a complete aside, I made some thank you cards for my students who brought me gifts for Christmas. That felt good getting my craft on again.

Christmas

Well, we all survived Christmas. It was very sad at some points as I missed my Dad terribly.

I feel hollow often because he is no longer on Earth.

I feel empty because my family is no longer what it once was.

I pray that my brother stays safe in Afghanistan.

I also pray that someday my family will reach a new normal that is healthy and happy for ALL of us.

Merry post-Christmas to you.

Almost Christmas

I'm not really into the whole Christmas thing so much with Dad gone and Mom not all that keen on my existence, although she pretty much calls me every day now.

I do NOT call her as that would be too overwhelming for her.

However, it is apparently okay for her to call me once or twice a day. I just play the role of listener number one during the dialogue.

I'm still hurt beyond belief that we cannot all go to mass together and wake up together on Christmas morning. It's a bitter pill to take when you find out that you're the one no one wants around unless it's beneficial for the other party.

Sigh...

Here's wishing you're doing better in this Christmas season.

Mixed up

Some anxiety, check!

Some guilt, check!

Some anger, check!

Some depression, check!

Some nervousness, check!

Thank goodness for pre-planning lessons, deep breaths, blogs, Xanax and plenty of sleep. Good things come to those who wait and I am a-waiting. I'm not much in the Christmas spirit right now due to everything going on with my family.

I still can't get over the fact that staying over on Christmas Eve for midnight mass is such a big problem. There is a whole other room with a bed in it. How much could I possibly put people out?

My heart is heavy and saddened by so many things. I miss my Dad. He was the voice of compromise and reason. Now I no longer have an ally in the house I grew up in.

Less than the best

I am publicly, albeit somewhat anonymously, admitting that I am not perfect. I know that and do not claim to be "all that and a bag of chips".

However, I did not know that it could be pointed out to me once more, yet AGAIN, that I am less than the best. By my mother. Whom I love but I deeply wonder about.

I thought that parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally.

I mean, I know there is the messy adolescent stuff (which is when I suffered from deep depression and hallucinations) but I am generally considered by many to be a decent person, a citizen of good standing, gainfully employed, and for the most part trying to do good in my area of the universe.

The recent falling out with my mother has hurt my heart deeply. I know she is in mourning, grieving the loss of her husband of 35 years.

As mentioned before, my siblings and I tried to do something wonderfully special for my mother. Which she did not want. Instead of just explaining that the gift which we had purchased was too meaningful, too much of a remembrance of my dad, too painful, she and I had a nasty phone conversation. There was a lot of yelling and she eventually just hung up on me.

Three days later she called me back, not to apologize because she saw nothing wrong with her behavior, but because she wanted to now explain why she didn't want the gift. Of course, I pointed out that she could have tried explaining that to me days ago but I was told I was *wrong*. That her personal feelings and thoughts are NOT my business and she will NOT share those things with me.

So instead of just explaining herself with a few sentences that I would have totally understood, she choose to get into "verbal fisticuffs" with me. Because she won't share that she is sad. Because she does not have to explain anything. Because once again I can be her verbal punching bag.

Then to make me feel even less of myself, she told me that I am too much for her. That I ask too much of her. That calling to check on her is overwhelming. That spending time going to church and dinner once a week for two hours can be too much together time.

She tells me this, explaining that it is not to make me feel bad...

Is it to make me feel better, I wonder?

Those of you that know me or have read my story know that my parents and I have had a rough go of it. I am the biggest elephant in the room. The daughter no one wanted but had anyway. The ugly one, the fat one, the one who doesn't look like anyone else but my "other" father who I am not allowed to talk about.

I am tired of being the one who puts forth the effort in this relationship. But this is the dance we dance. She sets me up, I take the bait, she reels me in, punishes me, I feel bad and fall apart. Again and again.

I cannot do this anymore.

My own mother wasn't sure how she felt about me spending the night for Christmas Eve so that my sister, my mother and I could all go to midnight mass. She couldn't commit to me sleeping in the extra room. It might be a day where she can't take me so I made the decision for her.

I won't come.

I cannot continue to try and be where I am not wanted.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

I may be less than the best but I am a damn fine human being and it's too bad that someone who should be able to see that can't be bothered to do so.

Just can't win...

I tried to do something nice for my mother this week. My brother, sister, and I went in on buying a particular gift that my Dad had wanted to purchase for my mom this year for Christmas.

In the end it blew up in my face and I found out that I am just overwhelming my mom. There was a nasty fight on the phone and the typical family byline of "we don't talk about our feelings". Actually, it's just my mom that can't talk about her feelings which would have gone a long way in diffusing the nasty phone call where she hung up on me.

So I am backing off, way off. No more church on Saturdays and calling each night. I'll call once in a while and not worry that she is allowing herself to get sick again. If she doesn't take care of herself that is her choice and she doesn't take care of herself.

It's easier for her to thrive on the drama and to have people feel bad for her.

I just can't do it anymore and have to take care of me for my own self-preservation.

Almost Christmas

There are less than two weeks until Christmas, can you believe it?

Me neither!

Tomorrow is a Monday but I have been to my primary care guy and we upped my Xanax so between that and therapy, it should help me get through the day-by-day grind of the week. My goal is to get through this week with maybe a delay or snow day or, dare I say it, even two delays...

Heavy snows are on the way again for Tuesday and Wednesday.

All my Christmas cards are mailed out but I wish I had time to make some more and send them out to more Facebook pals... Next year I'll start earlier. I have made more than 60 cards this year!

I hope everyone is doing well and dealing well with the upcoming holiday season. Hugs to all who are missing someone this year...

Remembering

Today is the one-month anniversary of my Dad's death. He went into the hospital on November 5th and died on the 8th.

I am not at work again. The anxiety is too much. It reaches into my stomach and pulls everything out until there is just a sick feeling. A feeling that I can't rid myself of and cannot control, one that makes me physically uncomfortable.

I feel safer in my house where no one else can get to me, no one else can see me. I can cry or just curl myself into a ball on the bed, lying motionless.

I am going back to see my trusty and wonderful therapist that I left behind in May. My need for him was over until recently. I must talk to someone about this anxiety.

He is a psychologist not a psychiatrist so he cannot adjust my meds. I feel like I could pop Xanax as if they were sweet tarts. I do not do this, however. More often than not, I forget to medicate myself. My diabetes is currently in charge of my poor pancreas, not me. I need to do better with that. Need to take care of myself all of the time, not just once in a while.

Some days pass quickly, in a blur, and others drag on forever. Sometimes hours are eternities and others mere seconds.

I still feel all the feelings that come with grieving: sadness, anger, guilt, weariness, and selfishness. It's like they have become entities that choose times to do battle with me, when I am peaceful they strike to remind me that no, not everything is okay.

Five years ago, on December 5th I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis so Monday was almost a double whammy. Remembering Dad, remembering that you have MS and stress is not good for it. Meanwhile stress swirls in and out, like a rogue winter wind. Thankfully, the MS has mostly remained under good control. There have been a few bad days where I was just too exhausted and it all caught up with me.

Thank goodness for remission.

Thank goodness for my many friends who continue to support me during this time of adjustment. How do you ever get over the loss? Yet you do, your life moves on, and you must become in charge again.

Thank goodness for the fact that even though there were years of bad blood and resentment, that those days were pushed into the past safely and securely while a new relationship had been building in the present. Therapy and meds have literally saved my life, saved myself from being a victim of all the bad, and turned it all around until I faced everything head on and said, "Okay, this is my best me and I'm not going to take anything less than the best."

Thank goodness for therapy and meds, truly. Without them I would not be here today, sitting in this room, typing out my feelings, tentatively feeling an ounce better than I was when I started this.

Thank goodness for my Dad who used to throw me in the pool over and over forcing me to swim to survive. I now love to swim and that is one of his many gifts to me. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Grief and sadness

Tomorrow is another Monday.

I have a really difficult time with Mondays.

My Dad died on Monday, November 8th at 2:50 p.m. That was the hardest day of my life.

Tonight I am crying and remembering him and that day, how hard it was for my family. How my younger brother fell to his knees weeping after we said goodbye. My brother, over six feet tall, crumpled on the floor sobbing.

How I sit here crying and going through tissues like there's no tomorrow. But there is a tomorrow for me. I know my Dad is with me and wants me to be happy, to not be sad, but that is not easy.

Most of the time I am fine and strong and calm.

And then there are times, like now, when I grieve and am in despair.