New stuff, finally

Sorry that there hasn't been much to read on here for a whole week. I have started to do some free writing on the computer that is saved separately from this blog to try and get some really personal issues out. What follows is part of that, but it's mostly about food and pants after a bit of serious thinking.


How do you feel growing up never being trusted, being made fun of, doing all the wrong things, desperately wanting to be loved and yet ignored except as a servant girl? Maybe you don’t. Maybe that’s why I’m so small and so big at the same time. Maybe God made me small so there would eventually be a tipping point where I couldn’t be filled with hatred and anger and sadness and fear and depression anymore. Instead I grew bigger and wider, holding all those things in.

I’ve been to the grocery store and purchased some foods that are not on my Special K list and we’ll see if I can eat them in moderation. There is always tomorrow, there can always be more food tomorrow.

In a way at the grocery store I already felt a tiny bit better. I did not go nuts and load up my cart with tons of junk. I picked out a few things. I felt in control.

PIP = Pants in public

I have to also get eating, rather overeating/binging under control so I can wear my pants in public instead of sweat pants. Every pair of pants I own, including my fat pants, are too small. I take the various pants out of my closet and wear them at home for a while to get them to the point over a few days where they can be PIP. I still go outside in sweats but not my shorts that fit; three pairs of shorts fit me but not real pants and I live in a place where it starts to snow in October and keeps snowing sometimes in April. There shall be no shorts outside here.

So you see I am a busy gal here with the whole pants issue and trying to relieve myself of so many of the burdens I've ingested and now want to expel. Pretty graphic there in your head, huh?

Thanks for stopping by and have an awesome weekend.