Monday, January 19, 2009

Interior and exterior

These are some thoughts from my other computer writings:

That’s what I have done all my life. Asked for love and often received dislike or anger or pain in return. Yet, I came back for more because now and then I would get comfort or love. It’s like food. I yearn for certain things, thinking that if I have it, I will feel better. I will feel comforted but that feeling only lasts for a short time.

I am forcing myself to wear my fat pants which are not loose. They are tight. I am bulging over the top and feel the fat around my middle and on my arms. It’s so uncomfortable but I need to start wearing real pants to remind myself of what it feels like. The shortest way to get past this is to go straight through it. There is no going around it, just the going through it.

It will not be easy, it will not be fun, it will not be about rewarding myself for breathing. I am thinking about pizza right now and I want it. I will most likely get it. I must learn though that I can eat real food and it will be there the next day if I don’t eat it all. It will be okay to not inhale and consume so much that it fills up the part of me that should be filled with happiness and not food.

That is what I do, fill myself up so as not to feel the sadness or loneliness or depression. I don’t find ways to bring happiness and joy and love in to my life. I just suppress the feelings with food.

**Wow, that's something to really think about.

1 comment:

Denver Refashionista said...

Sometimes from our greatest pain comes our greatest triumphs. It is hard to delve deep into ones own psyche. You have started the hard work. I think things will get better for you. Hang in there...