Sunday, November 28, 2010


Saturday came and I did destinkify myself and manage to do some stuff around the house: laundry and working on some envelopes for Christmas cards. I even made it over to my mom's to go to church and then out for dinner. I also did some Just Dance 2 after I arrived back home.

The major snow stayed away for the day.

Today, Sunday, I slept the day away. I also read a little and watched some TV. Other than that, I pretty much did nothing. I picked up the crafting stuff and kind of put it away; okay, I really just bagged it up and put it on the other couch but that's away enough for now.

My mom went out and bought a live tree for Christmas all by herself today. I'm pretty impressed with that. It's making me think about a real tree instead of my old stand-by artificial one. Either way I think I am tempting fate because Edison climbed that tree a LOT last year. He's a lot bigger now and I think he can topple the whole thing over.

No major snow again today. I'm thankful for that and no snow on the week's horizon either, although I do love a good snow day.

I need to really start checking my blood sugars twice a day every day. I have been very lackadaisical about that. I am fairly good at taking my meds even if they do upset my stomach and give me the runs. Sorry for that visual. I'm almost to the point of taking everything every day but I do take a lot of meds for the MS, depression, and diabetes. Sometimes it just seems like too much and I want to just barf because everything going down my throat is pills, pills, pills.

On the bright side, I just heard from a friend I had lost contact with a few years back. So here's to you PK for a phone call that made my evening. It's so good to be back in touch again. Take care of you and that pneumonia!

Now it's time for more pills to get myself ready for bedtime. I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving and enjoyed time with family and friends.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Post-turkey rundown

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I went over to my mom's and brought the pre-prepared turkey dinner with the trimmings with me. We talked to both my siblings on Skype at the same time and it was *almost* like we were all together.

Of course, we missed Dad.

It still feels like he is around when I am at their house. There are pictures of him in the dining room and his spirit seemed to be with us while we ate. I liked that.

Did I mention that I miss him?

I know lots of people went out shopping today for sales items. I surfed online and bought a lot of stuff from Kohl's. Some stuff for me (okay, lots of stuff for me) and some things for others too. It was free shipping with an extra 15% off the sales prices so I just shopped from my comfy living room in my comfy pajamas.

I never did manage to throw myself into the shower today. I promise to destinkify myself tomorrow. I may even work on stamping some holiday cards. It's supposed to snow a lot here overnight and into Saturday. This will be the first major snowfall for my area.

I still miss my Dad.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Sweet bliss of nothingness

I had absolutely nothing I HAD to do today even though I did run some errands. I finally made it to the grocery store and I went to Wal-Mart twice. I managed a nap this afternoon with Edison the wonder kitty.

It was nice to just be, to exist, to live with no expectations from anyone.

I even got myself up off my ample buttocks and spent an hour Just Dancing this evening.

I miss my Dad but I am trying to take care of me, along with taking care of my mom.

Happy Turkey Day eve, friends. :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Vacation, yes!

I went to work today and made it through okay. I woke up feeling much better than yesterday, without spaghetti legs and the dizziness and wobblies.

Now I have five blissful, beautiful days off for Thanksgiving vacation. Not that I plan on doing much of anything other than sleeping and reading, with some occasional eating thrown in for good measure.

I ordered a turkey dinner with the trimmings for my mom and me to enjoy on Thursday. I just need to pick it up from the grocery store and heft it over to my mom's house. It's all cooked and we just need to reheat it and then I can bring home lots of leftovers.

I hate to say this but another blogger, Mike, just lost his Dad on the 13th. Mike and I both have diabetes and MS and now share the loss of our dads. Too many things in common for now.

I am also praying for my other friends who have lost their dads, especially BJM and Annie, a friend from work who also just lost her dad this month. Ann and I had a nice telephone chat this evening as I reached out to let her know I was thinking about her.

The losing-a-parent club sucks.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Taking care of myself

I did not go to work today.

When I awoke I was so tired and so dizzy and wobbly that I knew today was just going to be a day for me, a day to take care of myself. My MS and diabetes have been rearing their heads while I have been going through these stressful last few weeks. I have been so very tired on every level.

Tomorrow is the last day of work for the week. I should go in and do my thing but I am going to wait and see how I feel tomorrow. It was all I could do to make the drive to work this morning without drifting off the road. I had slept all night but I am literally on the edge of exhaustion.

Exhaustion with multiple sclerosis is a crazy thing. It's hard to explain to people without MS. It's just such an all-encompassing tiredness, one that every cell feels. Sometimes it is just too much effort to even move. That's part of the reason why when I came home from work (to drop off my plans) I went back to sleep and slept until after three o'clock in the afternoon.

The thing is I am still tired now but I am going to order myself some dinner/lunch. Then maybe I'll take another nap. It's time to take good care of me so I can continue to take care of my family, friends, and students.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Two weeks, still breathing

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my Dad died.

I have gone back to work and worked four days last week. This week I will work two more days and then have five days off for Thanksgiving break.

Sometimes it is easier than in other moments.

Thanksgiving will be difficult. It will be just my Mom and me. I have ordered a precooked turkey dinner with the fixings for the two of us. I will miss my Dad carving the turkey and sitting at the end of the table. I will miss my brother, who left today for Afghanistan, and my sister, who left last Sunday to go back to Ft. Campbell.

My Mom adopted a little kitten on Friday. His name is Theodore or Teddy Bear. He's adorable and loves my Mom already. I am glad to hear that he purrs loudly and sleeps on the bed with her.

I am grateful my brother had security hooked up for my Mom's house. It will be hard for her tonight, the first night alone without my Dad or my siblings in the house. I am grateful for Teddy being with my Mom tonight.

I am thankful for my supportive friends, especially BJM who unfortunately knows these waters herself after losing her dad four years ago.

I am thankful for all my wonderful students who have missed me and told me so.

I am thankful for many things in my life even during this time of sorrow.

I miss you Daddy.

Monday, November 15, 2010

It's been a week...

It has now been one week since my Dad died last Monday at 2:50 p.m. How can it be one whole week already?

I took today off as a personal day to sleep and rest. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't really want to do that. Of course, life goes on and I have to get on with life. I'd rather just stay in my apartment or be with my family or sleep. I don't really want to talk to a lot of people or be around people who know. I just want to wallow in a cocoon of sadness until I am ready to be sociable again.

So many people have been kind and have given me good advice. I am grateful for every one of them. It is true what they have written, that I will want to stop the world from spinning while I go through this incredibly personal time of grieving. I don't want other people to be laughing unless I am laughing with them.

This time last year was about when Franklin got sick and had to be put down. I miss him all the time. How do I deal with the loss of a parent if I am still not over my beloved pet? (As an aside, I do love you, Edison.)

How do I take some of the pain away from my Mom?

How do I keep on breathing when my Dad can no longer do that on Earth?

How, how, how?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Breathing in and out

My mom's brother leaves today to return to Minnesota. My sister leaves tonight to return to Fort Campbell. My brother is here through next Sunday. That leaves me and my mom to stay here in this place where there is no longer my Dad on this Earthly plain.

For now I focus on breathing in and out and taking one step at a time.

I slept fairly well last night and feel much better today. I am toying with the idea of taking Monday off to sleep and rest up for the long week ahead with parent-teacher conferences.

It is odd to think that we have buried my dad. His spirit is still strong in their house. I wonder when the full magnitude of his loss will hit me...

People have been extraordinarily kind during this past week. Cards, visits, food, coming to the calling hours and the funeral, and kind words/messages in real life and on Facebook. I have been blessed and showered in an outpouring of love.

It feels weird to write but somehow I still consider myself a lucky woman.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The day of...

Today was my Dad's funeral. It's been a surreal experience, beginning with him becoming ill last Friday to today when he was placed in the ground. This business of losing a parent and grieving them exacts a heavy toll.

I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I feel like I could sleep for a week. Maybe I will...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A letter to my Dad


This isn't what we had planned to be doing today but life happened. Instead we will be burying you this week.

I don't know if you remember this but when I was much younger, in elementary school, I wrote a poem and showed it to you. You liked it and took it down to the Independent-Mirror and they published it.

You don't know this, although maybe you do now that you're in Heaven, but I am still a writer. I am a lax writer, but one nonetheless. I have a blog that has had over twenty thousand hits. People actually read what I write. You encouraged me to do that, by starting so many years ago with that poem.

I remember the year that you and Mom bought me ice skates for Christmas. I was very young and we lived in the trailer. I wanted a pair of skates desperately and you made sure that they were under the tree. I never used those skates but you got them for me anyway. It was a wish fulfilled...

I remember turtle tongue and I still will not eat cube steak today.

I remember spaghetti and meatballs, my favorite meal that you made.

I remember driving and taking the corner by Beck's on two wheels, almost ripping your staples out.

I remember the rough times where we bickered and fought constantly but I am grateful for the years we had after where you allowed me to grow into the person I am now.

I remember my own Christmas cards from you on the tree. I remember your distinctive handwriting. I will miss it.

I will miss teasing you about being a gambleaholic.

I will miss hearing you tell me about your poker winnings.

I will miss your voice on the telephone when I call Mom.

I will miss your hugs when I leave the house on holidays.

I will miss you in so many ways along with so many other people. I have heard about your many special qualities from people on Facebook and the many things you did to help people.

You were our social butterfly, our enraged driver at times, our voice of reason when we were worried about what Mom would think.

You were our miracle man, living far beyond what was expected.

Now it is time for you to experience the glory and splendor of heaven. You can be with Uncle Johnny and Grandma and Grandpa again. There will be no more pain for you and you will watch over us from above. Please know that I will take care of Mom and help her adjust to a life without you here on Earth.

With all my love,