New Year thoughts

I had dinner today with my parents sans siblings who are away from home. The turkey dinner was good, made even more so by the fact that all I have to do is show up and eat it. It was after the chowing down that we sat around and reminisced about family members not with us, my siblings, the economy, and life growing up.

From the outside looking in, I had what probably looked like a darned good childhood and adolescence. That was primarily a shaky house of cards but I made it through. I think now that my parents were stressed about many things as I grew up. I am not letting them off the hook but I think they mostly did what they thought was right. They are not people who believe in mental illness and therapy for anyone, least of all their own child and there I was severely depressed and bulimic for many years. I was afloat in a sinking ship in the midst of a typhoon. I needed help and understanding and they just could not provide that. So I ate and purged and ran and cried and wrote about my suicidal thoughts.

I came through the storm to the calm on the other side. I'm here and I'm finally ending therapy for the first time in ten years because I am doing well. I have survived and thrived and now I can write about the positive parts of my life. I'm in a much better place than I was even a year ago.

I see my parents as the flawed but loving people they are now. I see them getting older and wonder how long I will have them in my life. I can hug them now when I leave their house and truly wish them positive thoughts. I see the three of us as adults and not just me as the hurt child I was for so long. Shedding that role is like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon after resting in the chrysalis for so long.

I have beautiful wings that are begging me to try them out. Watch me floating through this fabulous world, viewing everything with new eyes.

Happy 2010 to you all.

Where have I been?

So where have I been and more importantly, do you care? I have been busy with work and kitten duty and just taking a break from the blog. I have been thinking very little about my multiple sclerosis and about multiple sclerosis in general. I haven't even been reading my MS friends' blogs. I have just been living in the moment, sometimes blissfully and sometimes woefully but I have just been breathing and going with the flow.

Christmas was wonderful. It started with Christmas Eve at BJM's house where I arrive early to help out/chat for the party that takes place at her home. Christmas was spent at my parents' house with my younger sister. It was her first Christmas home in three years because she has been in Iraq the last two years. My brother is stationed in Germany and he traveled to Rome and Turkey with some friends for the holidays.

Gifts were exchanged and I had great joy in my heart as presents were opened by family and friends. I think that is one of my most favorite parts of the holiday: buying gifts for others. It's a neat challenge to seek out something special for someone special.

My sister leaves tomorrow to go see her best friend for a few days. Then she is off to Afghanistan next month. It was weird to hear her say, "I'll see you in 2011!" I was at the house helping her make deviled eggs today. Something so simple compared to what she'll be doing next month.

So how was your holiday? I hope it rocked!

I'll try to come back with more regularity. :)

Edison kitty

I *know* I haven't been updating the blog as I should but I have been busy being a kitty mom again. I adopted a two and a half month old kitten two weeks ago. His name is Edison. He is keeping me running from sunup to sundown.

We've been to the vet for our first series of shots. He has been treated for fleas and come out flea-free on the other end. He is three and a half pounds of cuteness with incredibly sharp claws.

INCREDIBLY sharp claws!

My legs are still trying to heal from all the claw marks from him scaling me like I am our seven and a half foot tall Christmas tree. I have to admit he is cute but those claws placed on my skin have caused me to curse every now and then.

He is darned cute in the tree even though he isn't supposed to be in it. Sometimes he just climbs it to sit amongst the branches. Most of the time he's knocking the ornaments out and I just pile them up instead of replacing them on the tree. Needless to say, our tree is looking a little pathetic now.

I talk to Edison about his big brother from another mother Franklin. I have a strong feeling that Franklin led me to Edison because I always talked to Franklin about how cute he must have been as a kitten. I had adopted Franklin as a two and a half year old cat so I missed kittenhood then. Now I am more than making up for that.

Edison also does this one-eyed wink that Franklin used to do. Even more reason to believe in Franklin's help from above.

That's all I feel like writing for now. Thank you for so many of your kind comments on here and on Facebook.

And so it goes...

I am doing rather well with dealing with the loss of Franklin. Not that I didn't love him because I did but because I knew it was his time to go. He was just sick for so long and not eating and I knew he was suffering. On the night he was to be put down, the vet's office called to say they were on their way. As I was hanging up the phone Franklin started to make this guttural scream type of a noise and started to vomit on the floor. He never moved from that spot on the floor again. It was just too much for my poor sick baby.

It took three shots for Franklin to finally make it to kitty heaven. The little bugger just wouldn't stop breathing. He was a fighter to the end. I just kept petting him and telling him I loved him and that it was okay to go on. I cried and cried, knowing that soon they would take him away and I would never pet him again.

But there's news...

I *am* going to be a cat mom again! I had filled out the paperwork on Franklin's last evening and I told him all about it. He purred away so I figured he was okay with it. I have also been "talking" to him and asking him to guide me to a new kitty.

Last night I got the approval so I will have another cat by the end of the week! It looks like it will be a female, an orange tabby already named Patty. Her new name will be Edison. I am adopting from the local SPCA. My parents have even offered to pay the adoption fee!

This in no way diminishes my love for Franklin angel. It just shows him that my heart is still open to love. I adopted F from the local SPCA and my cat before him. I have always chosen cats that aren't kittens, ones a little older with their personality developed and a need for a forever home.

It's nice to post such pleasant news.

I will be going to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. It will be just the three of us and a 20 pound turkey. I like those numbers as I love turkey! Yummo!! My brother will be in Scotland and my sister just chose not to come home. I hope she comes home at Christmas as she deploys to Afghanistan in mid-January.

Wishing all of you a blessed Thanksgiving with family, friends, and fur babies.

Franklin

It is almost 4 a.m. for me and I am very tired. I just wanted to let you know that Franklin was put down last night at 9 p.m.

It was the most difficult thing I have ever done but things had turned for the worse. I will write more later, when I can.

:C

My miracle!

If you read yesterday's post then you know about my little pal, Franklin. Today I was supposed to put him down at 9:30.

There was a miracle! Praise be to the powers above.

I received a call from the vet at 8:46 p.m. last evening. It went to my voice mail because I was on the phone and I abhor call waiting. I got the message after nine when they close. I tried to call the vet's office anyway and the doctor answered.

She suggested we try chemotherapy on Franklin to extend his life instead of ending his life. We talked about it and I agreed to give it a try.

What a difference a day makes! Franklin is now home and napping at the top of the stairs. He purred the whole way home in the car and does so anytime I am near him. I am so happy that we may have the opportunity to be together for a little longer.

We still have to battle with pills three times a day but I can handle that. It takes love and patience, something I have for my wonder cat.

PS: Thanks for the messages on yesterday's post. They brought me comfort.

A broken heart

My heart is breaking. Franklin, who has been at the vet's since Monday, has had a slew of tests done and then surgery today. I was praying for a miracle.

I'm not going to get one.

The surgery found several tumors (seven) in his gut. When the vet called me (while I was teaching) they asked if I wanted to euthanize him right then. I said no. I wanted them to sew him back up and I wanted to see him one more time. I couldn't let him go yet. That is selfish but that is my prerogative right now. I have spent many wonderful years with him and I wanted one more day. One more day when he knew me and I could spend some time playing with him before he goes to sleep and doesn't wake up.

I just visited him yesterday on my day off and we played for 25 minutes. I brought his two snakie snake toys and rubbed him down with them and sang our snakie snake song. I brought him up to the window to see the outside twice. Hard to think that was his last view of the outdoors, that he'll never be coming home again.

I have made the appointment for 9:30 tomorrow morning. I will go in at 9 to see and play with him and take pictures. I will ask someone there to take a picture of the two of us as I don't have any of the two of us together. I will sing to him, bring him some catnip, and bring some toys. I want to have the most pleasant thirty minutes possible. I love him so dearly and deeply that I want him to know that he was a wonderful blessing in my life.

I adopted Franklin from a local humane society group in spring of 2000. I was newly separated from my husband who would not allow me to take my cat with me. Franklin was one of a few cats, the oldest at about two and a half, but he was definitely the lovey doveyest! He had been rescued from an abusive owner so we had a lot in common. Franklin also had a nervous condition where his fur was falling out.

I took him home that day. I figured, that like Charlie Brown's little Christmas tree, all he needed was a little love.

The first few days with him were awful! You weren't expecting that were you? He yowled and howled all night long that first evening, holed up in the back of a fake fireplace. I called the lady and begged her to take him back at once. No way could I live like that!

She managed to convince me to keep him for one more night and then I could call the next day and return him if I still insisted. Well, he was just as awful the next night so I tried calling the woman back. She wouldn't answer the phone for days. (Smart woman!) Suddenly, things started to cool down and we developed a sense of detente, a somewhat peaceful coexistence.

Franklin wouldn't let me out of his sight in the beginning. A closed door equalled a crying cat. It also equalled a cat who would literally smack himself into the door over and over until the door would pop open. Showers were now meant for two and all doors stayed open.

Then Franklin's fur started growing back, too. Without any medicine. All he needed was a little love after all.

We've been through a lot over the past almost decade. A divorce, other failed relationships, moving four times, my MS diagnosis, and my almost year-long sick leave from the past school year. Franklin was always there, letting me know I was loved and not alone, even when I felt that I was in deep and dark places. He would come to me when I cried and nuzzle me. He slept near me on the big comfy bed at night. In the morning he would be squeezed up tight between the end of the bed and me, tucked in so he knew the exact moment when I was awake which meant foodie time for him.

Now the lack of appetite of the last three weeks symbolize the tumors that were inside eating away at him. Franklin was a big cat but he has lost three pounds in three weeks. I used to call him Gobble Guts because he ate so much and so voraciously. Those days are gone. What I would give for a healthy Gobble Guts day!

If you are not a pet person then this might seem to be much ado about nothing to you. But, I know there are lots of pet people out there. I have seen your messages to me and I have appreciated them.

Tomorrow will be one of the hardest days of my life. I do not want to do this. I do not want to leave him there at the vet's office. I do not want to say goodbye to my most loyal and littlest pal. How do you say thank you for all the years of love and selflessness that Franklin gave to me?

Maybe there is a miracle in this story, just not the one I hoped for. I had years with a wonderful feline who loved me as much as I loved him. I know tomorrow there will be a river of tears, a torrent of anguish. I know I will be sending my little boy to a place without pain. I just hope he can feel my love and gratitude. That is what I will pray for through my tears.

Sadness again

Today was my Tysabri infusion. I cried all the way there and all the way home because I am so sad about Franklin. He's at the vet's now awaiting tomorrow's X rays and ultrasound.

When I came home in the middle of the day I found F on the big comfy bed. He had thrown up a large amount of bile on the bedspread. However, he started to purr as soon as I came up the stairs to pet him.

When I came home from the Ty appointment the two of us went up to get the comforter to wash it. Franklin likes to "help" make the bed so he was delighted with a new comfy and fresh smelling bedspread. Then he proceeded to loll all over the bed. I spent some time up there petting him and scratching him under the chin. He had a little snooze before I corralled him into his carrier.

I hate leaving him at the vet's but the women there adore him and know him well now. I asked them to give him fluids tomorrow after his procedures. That has to help a little.

I'm thankful for my bestest pal. I'll miss him something fierce tonight at bedtime.

More on Franklin

My little furball is still not eating much. He generally licks the gravy off the soft food and maybe eats a few kibbles of hard food. Not good!

We went back to the vet yesterday and F got checked out all over again. The good news was no fever so his two antibiotics must be working. The vet felt a bump on F's sternum which could be a tumor. We decided that Franklin would be going back to the vet on Monday to stay overnight for testing on Tuesday. Tuesday will be the X rays and ultrasound day as they look for potential tumors.

If there are no discernible tumors then it looks to be FIP which is fatal. I try to remain detached about it but inside there is a lot of hurt and late at night the tears come.

Thanks to all of you who have written to ask about F and those who have sent up prayers. I really appreciate it. God bless you!

Franklin update

He's out of the hospital since Saturday after spending last Thursday and Friday back in for meds and fluids. He's eating teensy bits of food but not a lot. Frankly, I don't know how Franklin can eat so little and still act so healthy. He purrs and loves me still but his belly must be a rumbling.

He goes in for a checkup on Saturday morning. We'll see what the doc has to say about the whole situation.

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. My littlest pal is still hanging in there.

Time to go watch Survivor now. Happy early weekend!