Quickie:
Some good stuff and some not-so-good stuff is going on. I'll try to pass on the award tomorrow. Thanks for all the fly-by readings of this tiny post.
If you haven't noticed, there are some new-to-me blog links over on the side. Check them out, if you have time to kill and desire a myriad of writing styles and topics that somehow relate to MS.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tuesday, home again
My computer was down last night and this morning until I spent an hour, yes a solid hour, with the IT people from Verizon. Thank you readers for the comments and positive thoughts. I always appreciate it when someone comments. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I saw the hottie PCP partner yesterday and he ran more bloodwork. I believe the insurance company is going to start watching me closely because I seem to be constantly getting bloodwork done. It's not like I enjoy it or ask for it (okay, I did ask for the gyn to run something) but it gets done. Thank goodness I have some decent insurance.
No UTI, not that I thought I had one but that is generally the first reason people with MS can throw off a fever. Then again the hottie doc reviewed my notes and realized that I had complained of the same thing back in July! July, people. That would have to be one heck of a UTI. I suspect I wouldn't even have a urinary tract anymore if I truly had had a UTI for that long.
Hottie doc asked me what prior neuro had thought about all this. Prior neuro is a prior neuro for a reason. He did nothing and thought nothing. Prior neuro had left me hanging and feeling $hitty since about May.
New neuro's P.A. guy is weird and I am wondering if he is weird with everyone or just with me. The things he says make me wonder if he's ADD without meds. He wanted me to get checked out for infections and viruses that could be spread by munchkins. (And no, I don't have MRSA even though someone in one of our school buildings does.)
Off I went and no infections, bloodwork ordered, told to stay home today and return for a repeat visit of sorts. Hottie doc thinks some of my problems is the enormous amount of meds I am on. So he wants to whittle away at the list.
The only really new stuff is off my old AD and on 2 new ones at very low doses, one of which I was on before, plus a Xanax dosage increase. I know just about everything I take, except Provigil, makes people tired and/or dizzy. I've been on this stuff forever.
I called Psych R.N. last night and left a message about the med whittling but I think he is in his other office today so I suspect I won't hear from him until Wednesday. He's the one managing most of my meds.
Then I need to call the neuro's office today (which I didn't do yesterday, bad Weeble) and tell them what today's visit brings. I expect it to be somewhat like a poker game. I'll give up Seroquel and cut down on Baclofen if you give me sleeping med X that will run through my system in less than ten hours. I'm willing to cut down on Xanax and double Provigil to 400 mg again but I will not give up Abilify and Lexapro. Plus, he wants to raise my blood pressure meds and add in a diuretic. (The only place I have high BP is their office, honest.) Maybe I can try to cut down on Requip. (I already took myself off Klonopin.)
He thinks all the pharmacological stuff is making me more cog foggy. I don't really buy that. I think part of it is the depression, part the demands of being in this higher stress inclusion classroom, and part due to MS. I don't think it's the meds that make me forget how to divide or teach or name items or drive properly or spell and type (You should see the first version of my post, holey moley Blogreaders!). Then again, I have been wrong before.
Hottie doc says it could be a flare and maybe we need a new MRI. It may be a flare but I'll wait on the MRI for another few months on Tysabri, thanks. I still don't even know what the infusion palace center's costs are yet. Every time I get an EOB (explanation of benefits) I panic a a bit because the costs have the ability to be rather large, as some of you Tysabri people know.
**The good news is I've had three days without purging. I'm still way behind on grading but I did a tiny bit this morning. Oh, and BJM has an answer to her medical dilemma and it's not MS which means I can also throw out my Rebif and Copaxone bags of stuff/crap because she won't need them, thank the person upstairs. I also cleaned more and threw out more stuff/crap last night.
I hope that I can get a good nap in this afternoon.
I saw the hottie PCP partner yesterday and he ran more bloodwork. I believe the insurance company is going to start watching me closely because I seem to be constantly getting bloodwork done. It's not like I enjoy it or ask for it (okay, I did ask for the gyn to run something) but it gets done. Thank goodness I have some decent insurance.
No UTI, not that I thought I had one but that is generally the first reason people with MS can throw off a fever. Then again the hottie doc reviewed my notes and realized that I had complained of the same thing back in July! July, people. That would have to be one heck of a UTI. I suspect I wouldn't even have a urinary tract anymore if I truly had had a UTI for that long.
Hottie doc asked me what prior neuro had thought about all this. Prior neuro is a prior neuro for a reason. He did nothing and thought nothing. Prior neuro had left me hanging and feeling $hitty since about May.
New neuro's P.A. guy is weird and I am wondering if he is weird with everyone or just with me. The things he says make me wonder if he's ADD without meds. He wanted me to get checked out for infections and viruses that could be spread by munchkins. (And no, I don't have MRSA even though someone in one of our school buildings does.)
Off I went and no infections, bloodwork ordered, told to stay home today and return for a repeat visit of sorts. Hottie doc thinks some of my problems is the enormous amount of meds I am on. So he wants to whittle away at the list.
The only really new stuff is off my old AD and on 2 new ones at very low doses, one of which I was on before, plus a Xanax dosage increase. I know just about everything I take, except Provigil, makes people tired and/or dizzy. I've been on this stuff forever.
I called Psych R.N. last night and left a message about the med whittling but I think he is in his other office today so I suspect I won't hear from him until Wednesday. He's the one managing most of my meds.
Then I need to call the neuro's office today (which I didn't do yesterday, bad Weeble) and tell them what today's visit brings. I expect it to be somewhat like a poker game. I'll give up Seroquel and cut down on Baclofen if you give me sleeping med X that will run through my system in less than ten hours. I'm willing to cut down on Xanax and double Provigil to 400 mg again but I will not give up Abilify and Lexapro. Plus, he wants to raise my blood pressure meds and add in a diuretic. (The only place I have high BP is their office, honest.) Maybe I can try to cut down on Requip. (I already took myself off Klonopin.)
He thinks all the pharmacological stuff is making me more cog foggy. I don't really buy that. I think part of it is the depression, part the demands of being in this higher stress inclusion classroom, and part due to MS. I don't think it's the meds that make me forget how to divide or teach or name items or drive properly or spell and type (You should see the first version of my post, holey moley Blogreaders!). Then again, I have been wrong before.
Hottie doc says it could be a flare and maybe we need a new MRI. It may be a flare but I'll wait on the MRI for another few months on Tysabri, thanks. I still don't even know what the infusion palace center's costs are yet. Every time I get an EOB (explanation of benefits) I panic a a bit because the costs have the ability to be rather large, as some of you Tysabri people know.
**The good news is I've had three days without purging. I'm still way behind on grading but I did a tiny bit this morning. Oh, and BJM has an answer to her medical dilemma and it's not MS which means I can also throw out my Rebif and Copaxone bags of stuff/crap because she won't need them, thank the person upstairs. I also cleaned more and threw out more stuff/crap last night.
I hope that I can get a good nap in this afternoon.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Off to see the doctor
I woke up and prepared myself to head off to work. Checked my temp and I was at 101 degrees, higher than my normal low-grade fever. I got in the car and it's mighty dark at 6:30 a.m. making it rather easy for me to be all over the road and misjudge my turning radius. I did make it to school in one piece.
Then I started to swagger and sway again. My mind was muddled and I forgot what I was saying in ELA and how to divide during math class. My right hand is showing some residual weakness from time to time and I have a recurrent buzzing patch on my left thigh. My calves are also getting in on the act with some mini twitches to keep me awake. Have I mentioned the fatigue? It's also not acting nicely and it's making me so wacky I can't even understand myself.
So today is a half sick-day to try and get an answer to this medical melodrama.
I am off to see my Primary Care Physician's partner, they both have the same first name and both are well over 6 feet tall, but I will hang my head low and admit the partner is a tad hotter (Oh, lucky me!). I have called the neuro's office and the guy I see just returned my call and I'm to call them back once I know more info.
Then we'll see if I just have some creeping crud, virus-wise from my students, or an infection somewhere, or maybe MS acting up all on its own. For those of you who don't know, viruses and infections especially can wreak havoc on one's system when you have MS.
I'll let you know what ends up happening in my neck of the woods.
Then I started to swagger and sway again. My mind was muddled and I forgot what I was saying in ELA and how to divide during math class. My right hand is showing some residual weakness from time to time and I have a recurrent buzzing patch on my left thigh. My calves are also getting in on the act with some mini twitches to keep me awake. Have I mentioned the fatigue? It's also not acting nicely and it's making me so wacky I can't even understand myself.
So today is a half sick-day to try and get an answer to this medical melodrama.
I am off to see my Primary Care Physician's partner, they both have the same first name and both are well over 6 feet tall, but I will hang my head low and admit the partner is a tad hotter (Oh, lucky me!). I have called the neuro's office and the guy I see just returned my call and I'm to call them back once I know more info.
Then we'll see if I just have some creeping crud, virus-wise from my students, or an infection somewhere, or maybe MS acting up all on its own. For those of you who don't know, viruses and infections especially can wreak havoc on one's system when you have MS.
I'll let you know what ends up happening in my neck of the woods.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
A flare wouldn't be fair
I'm starting to wonder if I'm in a bit of a flare besides the whole depression mess of late. Or maybe I'm just ill with something else that is making the MS act up. I am feeling better emotionally and was doing better physically but I'm noticing more little issues creeping up these last three or four days.
I seem to be off kilter and smacking into things, not by choice but by accident. There seems to be more random dizziness. The cognitive stuff may also be tied into this. Stuff I know that I know is throwing me off, like driving the car and working online. Little things that I black out on mentally and panic for a second (or two or ten) and then it comes back to me. The difficulty with driving and staying on the road and focusing on that may be a part of this. I notice more weakness with my right hand/arm.
I have been noticing my fever has been on the upper end of the low-grade area most of the time lately (about 100.5 degrees or so). Maybe I have a UTI or some other infection that I don't know exists. I think if I am still like this tomorrow then I need to call the neurologist and maybe my PCP, too.
I did a lot yesterday but I don't think that is the only reason I feel tired out. I don't take Provigil on the weekends so that could be a part of it but this was going on during the regular work week also.
In good news, there was no binging and purging at all yesterday. All of the laundry is now done with a second load spinning around in the dryer as I type this. I called QVC this morning and ordered some Spanx and some dresses to try on for my brother's wedding next month. I even emailed his future fiancee last night which is a big step for me. (I'm insanely jealous of her as she has basically replaced me in my dysfunctional family.)
It's all baby steps as they professed in that movie "What About Bob?" that was filmed in VA when I was a freshman in college there.
I seem to be off kilter and smacking into things, not by choice but by accident. There seems to be more random dizziness. The cognitive stuff may also be tied into this. Stuff I know that I know is throwing me off, like driving the car and working online. Little things that I black out on mentally and panic for a second (or two or ten) and then it comes back to me. The difficulty with driving and staying on the road and focusing on that may be a part of this. I notice more weakness with my right hand/arm.
I have been noticing my fever has been on the upper end of the low-grade area most of the time lately (about 100.5 degrees or so). Maybe I have a UTI or some other infection that I don't know exists. I think if I am still like this tomorrow then I need to call the neurologist and maybe my PCP, too.
I did a lot yesterday but I don't think that is the only reason I feel tired out. I don't take Provigil on the weekends so that could be a part of it but this was going on during the regular work week also.
In good news, there was no binging and purging at all yesterday. All of the laundry is now done with a second load spinning around in the dryer as I type this. I called QVC this morning and ordered some Spanx and some dresses to try on for my brother's wedding next month. I even emailed his future fiancee last night which is a big step for me. (I'm insanely jealous of her as she has basically replaced me in my dysfunctional family.)
It's all baby steps as they professed in that movie "What About Bob?" that was filmed in VA when I was a freshman in college there.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Baby steps
I had the hardest time falling asleep last evening, even with all my meds and an extra Klonopin thrown in for good measure. I was tired but my brain wouldn't, couldn't, or didn't want to shut itself down no matter what I wanted.
Part of it might have been the horrible steam/boiler/hot water heater repeat incident from last night. I mentioned calling the fire department a few Sundays ago and it was for the same thing. This time the people upstairs were home and they came running down the stairs to see that I was absolutely not setting off fireworks and surface-to-air missiles. The steam was pouring out and up the stairs, it smelled horrid, and it sounded like 78 MRI machines all banging and clanging and hissing at the same time.
This time when I called the "super" (and I am using this term loosely) he actually called me back even though he was already well on his way to being trashed at 8:30 p.m. He slurred through his message and sent someone over to look at it. This same person has been here looking at the dang thing for weeks now and it still acts up. I'm afraid the place is just going to blow up one of these days.
Eventually I did get to sleep, even after forcing myself to finish reading a book I didn't want to finish but sleep beggars cannot be choosers when one is trying to force themselves to pass out.
Today I woke up too early thanks to my wonder feline who can and does sleep anywhere. He wanted to be fed. Now. Not in an half hour. Now. Now! Now! Now!
I got up because it was easier than suffocating myself with a pillow and I had dropped the water sprayer I use on wonder feline to buy a few more minutes of sleep behind the bed. I couldn't reach it because I have a sleigh type bed with all those little tiny slats that my fat arm can't fit through.
After feeding wonder feline, I showered and went off to the hospital. I was there at 8:15 for bloodwork after throwing in a load of laundry back at the apartment. I came back, clipped coupons from several weeks back, packed a box to mail to my college pal in ME, filled out a Hoops and Yoyo card for BJM (whose birthday I had forgotten much earlier this month), called her, and then off to the car I traversed again.
I finished more errands (groceries, PO, library drop box, bank) and came home to nap. This time I could sleep, thank goodness. Upon waking I cut up veggies and stuff to make a homemade lasagna. It has recently finished cooking and looks and smells divine. My goal for the rest of the weekend is no purging and occasionally attempting to smile.
I may even consider going to see a movie tomorrow. Considering doesn't mean going but it's just one of a series of baby steps I'm practicing.
It's much nicer to feel this way rather than ruminating on the cold steel taste of a revolver in the mouth or a long perpendicular cut down your arm. For what it's worth, I'll take feeling a little better.
Part of it might have been the horrible steam/boiler/hot water heater repeat incident from last night. I mentioned calling the fire department a few Sundays ago and it was for the same thing. This time the people upstairs were home and they came running down the stairs to see that I was absolutely not setting off fireworks and surface-to-air missiles. The steam was pouring out and up the stairs, it smelled horrid, and it sounded like 78 MRI machines all banging and clanging and hissing at the same time.
This time when I called the "super" (and I am using this term loosely) he actually called me back even though he was already well on his way to being trashed at 8:30 p.m. He slurred through his message and sent someone over to look at it. This same person has been here looking at the dang thing for weeks now and it still acts up. I'm afraid the place is just going to blow up one of these days.
Eventually I did get to sleep, even after forcing myself to finish reading a book I didn't want to finish but sleep beggars cannot be choosers when one is trying to force themselves to pass out.
Today I woke up too early thanks to my wonder feline who can and does sleep anywhere. He wanted to be fed. Now. Not in an half hour. Now. Now! Now! Now!
I got up because it was easier than suffocating myself with a pillow and I had dropped the water sprayer I use on wonder feline to buy a few more minutes of sleep behind the bed. I couldn't reach it because I have a sleigh type bed with all those little tiny slats that my fat arm can't fit through.
After feeding wonder feline, I showered and went off to the hospital. I was there at 8:15 for bloodwork after throwing in a load of laundry back at the apartment. I came back, clipped coupons from several weeks back, packed a box to mail to my college pal in ME, filled out a Hoops and Yoyo card for BJM (whose birthday I had forgotten much earlier this month), called her, and then off to the car I traversed again.
I finished more errands (groceries, PO, library drop box, bank) and came home to nap. This time I could sleep, thank goodness. Upon waking I cut up veggies and stuff to make a homemade lasagna. It has recently finished cooking and looks and smells divine. My goal for the rest of the weekend is no purging and occasionally attempting to smile.
I may even consider going to see a movie tomorrow. Considering doesn't mean going but it's just one of a series of baby steps I'm practicing.
It's much nicer to feel this way rather than ruminating on the cold steel taste of a revolver in the mouth or a long perpendicular cut down your arm. For what it's worth, I'll take feeling a little better.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Made it
I made it through the day and it wasn't as awful as I had expected. I did start my Provigil and I was still wiped out, but my body needs to readjust to it.
Driving home was surreal, as if it wasn't me actually driving the car but rather me in the passenger's seat watching everything going on. Needless to say, that's not really what you want when you are actually the driver so I tried to pay close attention to what I was doing. I was still all over the place but I made it home and no one got hurt.
I am so glad that the weekend is here. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for some quick bloodwork and there is much laundry to be done. I also need to figure out what I am going to do with the black work pants I have that need a new a zipper. Try and get them fixed or just throw them out?
Thankfully, because I am a big girl, I wear long shirts to "pretend" to hide the fact that I am gigantic. That was handy when my zipper would no longer go up at work last week because of a catch in the zipper's teeth. The other good part of that whole deal was that it happened after the school day was done, leaving me chuckling to myself in the bathroom and probably making passersby wonder what exactly was going on in there. (After all, our P and VP were let go last year after what was reported to be adulterous activity with each other and he was married.)
I think I can report that I feel a small, minute, teensy bit better psychologically so that's a plus. I'm not yelling this from the rooftops or anything but maybe the meds and the fact that it's Friday are combining to create a semi-happy mini-moment.
I'm still binging and purging daily. I don't really plan to do so, it just reaches that moment where I feel full and off I go. I hardly eat lunch at all now and today's lunch was an ounce of cheese and a small can of tomato juice. I really need to get in and talk with my psychologist but that appointment was canceled today and moved to next Friday. Sigh, I guess I am not the most important person in the world.
In random bits, one of my students came to me today to chat (after being pizzed off when I didn't let him go to chorus on time because of so much late work lately) and brought up the new movie called "The Express". I'm not sure if anyone out there has heard about it, but where I live they actually rolled out the orange carpet (yes, I said orange) and premiered the movie here a few weeks back.
Regardless, the movie is about (methinks) a Syracuse University football player named Ernie Davis. I think, the story goes, he was the first black male who played college football during the deep, dark days of our country's segregationist past. In class, we have been talking about Rosa Parks, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and Ruby Bridges: all black Americans who used nonviolence to help get this country out of the separate but equal thinking that the old days allowed.
Anyway, my student went and saw the movie with his mom and he told me he really liked it. We had a discussion about the fact that this movie is not fiction and this was a real person. He said his mom cried as she watched it. I asked him if he told his mom what we had been talking and learning about in regards to segregation. He responded in the affirmative and said his mom was surprised.
So friends and blog readers, there was an honest to goodness real life connection from school to life made by a ten year old and I had something to do with it. I'll take any kudos I can because they come so infrequently.
Driving home was surreal, as if it wasn't me actually driving the car but rather me in the passenger's seat watching everything going on. Needless to say, that's not really what you want when you are actually the driver so I tried to pay close attention to what I was doing. I was still all over the place but I made it home and no one got hurt.
I am so glad that the weekend is here. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for some quick bloodwork and there is much laundry to be done. I also need to figure out what I am going to do with the black work pants I have that need a new a zipper. Try and get them fixed or just throw them out?
Thankfully, because I am a big girl, I wear long shirts to "pretend" to hide the fact that I am gigantic. That was handy when my zipper would no longer go up at work last week because of a catch in the zipper's teeth. The other good part of that whole deal was that it happened after the school day was done, leaving me chuckling to myself in the bathroom and probably making passersby wonder what exactly was going on in there. (After all, our P and VP were let go last year after what was reported to be adulterous activity with each other and he was married.)
I think I can report that I feel a small, minute, teensy bit better psychologically so that's a plus. I'm not yelling this from the rooftops or anything but maybe the meds and the fact that it's Friday are combining to create a semi-happy mini-moment.
I'm still binging and purging daily. I don't really plan to do so, it just reaches that moment where I feel full and off I go. I hardly eat lunch at all now and today's lunch was an ounce of cheese and a small can of tomato juice. I really need to get in and talk with my psychologist but that appointment was canceled today and moved to next Friday. Sigh, I guess I am not the most important person in the world.
In random bits, one of my students came to me today to chat (after being pizzed off when I didn't let him go to chorus on time because of so much late work lately) and brought up the new movie called "The Express". I'm not sure if anyone out there has heard about it, but where I live they actually rolled out the orange carpet (yes, I said orange) and premiered the movie here a few weeks back.
Regardless, the movie is about (methinks) a Syracuse University football player named Ernie Davis. I think, the story goes, he was the first black male who played college football during the deep, dark days of our country's segregationist past. In class, we have been talking about Rosa Parks, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and Ruby Bridges: all black Americans who used nonviolence to help get this country out of the separate but equal thinking that the old days allowed.
Anyway, my student went and saw the movie with his mom and he told me he really liked it. We had a discussion about the fact that this movie is not fiction and this was a real person. He said his mom cried as she watched it. I asked him if he told his mom what we had been talking and learning about in regards to segregation. He responded in the affirmative and said his mom was surprised.
So friends and blog readers, there was an honest to goodness real life connection from school to life made by a ten year old and I had something to do with it. I'll take any kudos I can because they come so infrequently.
Will comply (and have a nice weekend!)
Yes, I will go to work today.
Yes, I know that the special education teacher who works with me has the day off and I have zero idea who my substitute will be, but somehow I am assuming that person will feel overwhelmed with all the special needs in my room.
Yes, I know that one of my darlings who pushed another teacher yesterday will be here today because he only had a half day of out-of-school-suspension.
Yes, I know that I need to get off here, get myself dressed (jeans are okay and it's in the 50s), and I will comply with the world's expectations. I will go to work and do my "thing". I just hope I can make it to the end of the day without any blood shed, not mine and not any that belongs to people under eighteen.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Yes, I know that the special education teacher who works with me has the day off and I have zero idea who my substitute will be, but somehow I am assuming that person will feel overwhelmed with all the special needs in my room.
Yes, I know that one of my darlings who pushed another teacher yesterday will be here today because he only had a half day of out-of-school-suspension.
Yes, I know that I need to get off here, get myself dressed (jeans are okay and it's in the 50s), and I will comply with the world's expectations. I will go to work and do my "thing". I just hope I can make it to the end of the day without any blood shed, not mine and not any that belongs to people under eighteen.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Thoughts for my Thursday
Today (which is really Wednesday) was exhausting. I mean wiped out before we even made it to lunch. I am guessing it's the new meds (the Abilify and Lexapro). I was tired yesterday too but this was different, trying to be on my feet and playing my role as happy teacher. I could barely do it. I'm toying with that idea of taking some time off now but I really can't afford it.
I keep thinking that if I take some time off now to readjust and feel better, feel well, feel something other than crappy then maybe that's what I need to do.
I'm not sure if I need more Ritalin or if I should switch back to my Provigil to get my morning dose of wake-up juice. My Ritalin is almost out and the Psych R.N. doesn't remember that he was the last one who wrote the script. I have so many scripts and different script writers, that I have a hard time remembering who prescribed what and when. Today I crossed the line a few times and then almost went off the side of the road because I was so tired on my way to school.
Then I came home and binged and purged on purpose and it so wasn't worth it. I rested a bit while reading and then took out the air conditioner from my bedroom window, a somewhat monumental task. I did some exercising while making copies for math on my copier. Then it was time for my nightly med parade. Now I am hoping for deep slumber soon to get me through to the next day.
Thursday really is my sister's birthday, a quarter of a century on this third rock from the sun. I need to mail out her package after work. She's still serving in Iraq and it's been a year since she's been home. I miss her a lot and wish I could see her face when she opens up her random goodies. I suspect that anything is a treat over there and it has to be better than a horrible sandstorm kicking up dust in your eye.
I keep thinking that if I take some time off now to readjust and feel better, feel well, feel something other than crappy then maybe that's what I need to do.
I'm not sure if I need more Ritalin or if I should switch back to my Provigil to get my morning dose of wake-up juice. My Ritalin is almost out and the Psych R.N. doesn't remember that he was the last one who wrote the script. I have so many scripts and different script writers, that I have a hard time remembering who prescribed what and when. Today I crossed the line a few times and then almost went off the side of the road because I was so tired on my way to school.
Then I came home and binged and purged on purpose and it so wasn't worth it. I rested a bit while reading and then took out the air conditioner from my bedroom window, a somewhat monumental task. I did some exercising while making copies for math on my copier. Then it was time for my nightly med parade. Now I am hoping for deep slumber soon to get me through to the next day.
Thursday really is my sister's birthday, a quarter of a century on this third rock from the sun. I need to mail out her package after work. She's still serving in Iraq and it's been a year since she's been home. I miss her a lot and wish I could see her face when she opens up her random goodies. I suspect that anything is a treat over there and it has to be better than a horrible sandstorm kicking up dust in your eye.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
One for Wednesday
I made it through another day. It was rather uninspiring, especially when the technology didn't work half the time. All I could think about was the mountain of things I could be doing in my room. We had an hour for lunch and I closed my door and went to work. Which means I was quiet, I ate a little, and I moved a lot of stuff around trying to get organized.
I made it to the gyn appointment and he is going to run some more bloodwork on me, Vitamin D and my hormone levels. Maybe that will explain my almost constant fevers and fatigue. I have recently started to take 2000 IU of D3 daily along with the multivitamin daily, since the Tysabri infusion, per that doctor's orders.
I also found out that although I am still the fattest person I know, I have lost about eight pounds. I guess that comes with not eating much. I finally threw out the cheesecake, almost a crime, I know. My goal is for my fridge to be almost empty except for milk, lots of water, condiments, and maybe just a few actual pieces of food.
I am trying to not purchase much new food and I have some things in the freezer and soups and such that I can eat. I am usually eating cereal at lunch and then something small at dinner time. I am trying to not do the purge thing and just restrict the rest of this.
I only took out real garbage and recyclables to to the dumpster area tonight, no time for cleaning and bagging up the mess that seems to be smothering me. I also took a nap when I came home from the doctor's office and I have just finished typing up a new worksheet for ELA and making a new decimals unit test that is still printing out on my copier.
I am eager to speak with my psychologist on Friday to discuss all these new aspects to this depression. I still only allow myself music in the car or TV on at home at certain times. I used to like the sound but now it bothers and distracts me, it's like I have to earn the privilege. I have all these rules I made up that make no sense, maybe to try to control some part of me when I feel as if everything else is whirling away from me.
I reach out for it but it's just beyond my grasp.
I look and act happy around others but I don't feel it inside at all. I prefer to be quiet, solemn, asleep if at all possible. Three more days, three more days and then I can talk and see if I can find some answers.
I made it to the gyn appointment and he is going to run some more bloodwork on me, Vitamin D and my hormone levels. Maybe that will explain my almost constant fevers and fatigue. I have recently started to take 2000 IU of D3 daily along with the multivitamin daily, since the Tysabri infusion, per that doctor's orders.
I also found out that although I am still the fattest person I know, I have lost about eight pounds. I guess that comes with not eating much. I finally threw out the cheesecake, almost a crime, I know. My goal is for my fridge to be almost empty except for milk, lots of water, condiments, and maybe just a few actual pieces of food.
I am trying to not purchase much new food and I have some things in the freezer and soups and such that I can eat. I am usually eating cereal at lunch and then something small at dinner time. I am trying to not do the purge thing and just restrict the rest of this.
I only took out real garbage and recyclables to to the dumpster area tonight, no time for cleaning and bagging up the mess that seems to be smothering me. I also took a nap when I came home from the doctor's office and I have just finished typing up a new worksheet for ELA and making a new decimals unit test that is still printing out on my copier.
I am eager to speak with my psychologist on Friday to discuss all these new aspects to this depression. I still only allow myself music in the car or TV on at home at certain times. I used to like the sound but now it bothers and distracts me, it's like I have to earn the privilege. I have all these rules I made up that make no sense, maybe to try to control some part of me when I feel as if everything else is whirling away from me.
I reach out for it but it's just beyond my grasp.
I look and act happy around others but I don't feel it inside at all. I prefer to be quiet, solemn, asleep if at all possible. Three more days, three more days and then I can talk and see if I can find some answers.
It's my Monday
Thanks to the extreme generosity of King Ferdinand and that sweet talking Queen Isabella, I had yesterday off. No students today but it's a professional development day, which means that all the things we really need to do won't get done today. Instead someone else has come up with topics for us to learn more about that sound great but aren't always actually practical.
I am showered and all doped up: Xanaxed, Ritalined, Abilified, and Lexaproed! (Look, I made verbs out of nouns; I am so clever!)
I am ready to go to work in my shorts (it will be almost 80 today which sucks for me because my body hates the heat) and do my Quiet Weeble Sunshine routine. I will answer your questions at work. I will say that it sucks that the weekend is over. I will say, "Yes, it went too fast." I'll do all those things that are expected of me. I always do.
I did a 2 mile walking DVD in my apartment yesterday and then went in to mass cleaning and throwing crap out mode. I jammed six more garbage bags and a few smaller bags filled with new and/or other good stuff that I don't want or need and made several trips up the stairs and out to the dumpster. Too bad you didn't know where I live as there are some Halloweeny things packed in there. Dumpster diver man will be salivating at the very sight of all those see-through bags neatly stacked up for him!
There are more things that were sorted that need to go in the actual trash dumpster as trash but that may have to wait. Tomorrow is real deal school and I must prepare myself with plans and papers and such.
In other good news, my neurologist did call me back yesterday and we talked about the depression. He's satisfied that I have two other people working on that part of me. Also, the blood vessels on my face are no longer blotchy and angry red so my skin looks much nicer. My new hair color and the fact that I washed it today means progress on the hairdo front. I am on new medicines that will work, will work, will work, must work. I paid some bills last evening so they can go in the mail today. And, I shaved my legs a few days ago for my visit to the gynecologist today.
Breathe in, out, repeat. Thank goodness we do that automatically.
**Thanks again for all the positive comments from those of you who post them here or email me. I do appreciate it even though I sound like an evil witch most of the time. I am working towards making my life tolerable and less punishing. Your words of encouragement always help.
(And especially for BJM, hang in there girl. I'm hoping we won't be MS sisters but hey, I know how to hook up those IVs like a pro. Horrible joke there, feel free to cause me bodily harm when we see each other next.)
I am showered and all doped up: Xanaxed, Ritalined, Abilified, and Lexaproed! (Look, I made verbs out of nouns; I am so clever!)
I am ready to go to work in my shorts (it will be almost 80 today which sucks for me because my body hates the heat) and do my Quiet Weeble Sunshine routine. I will answer your questions at work. I will say that it sucks that the weekend is over. I will say, "Yes, it went too fast." I'll do all those things that are expected of me. I always do.
I did a 2 mile walking DVD in my apartment yesterday and then went in to mass cleaning and throwing crap out mode. I jammed six more garbage bags and a few smaller bags filled with new and/or other good stuff that I don't want or need and made several trips up the stairs and out to the dumpster. Too bad you didn't know where I live as there are some Halloweeny things packed in there. Dumpster diver man will be salivating at the very sight of all those see-through bags neatly stacked up for him!
There are more things that were sorted that need to go in the actual trash dumpster as trash but that may have to wait. Tomorrow is real deal school and I must prepare myself with plans and papers and such.
In other good news, my neurologist did call me back yesterday and we talked about the depression. He's satisfied that I have two other people working on that part of me. Also, the blood vessels on my face are no longer blotchy and angry red so my skin looks much nicer. My new hair color and the fact that I washed it today means progress on the hairdo front. I am on new medicines that will work, will work, will work, must work. I paid some bills last evening so they can go in the mail today. And, I shaved my legs a few days ago for my visit to the gynecologist today.
Breathe in, out, repeat. Thank goodness we do that automatically.
**Thanks again for all the positive comments from those of you who post them here or email me. I do appreciate it even though I sound like an evil witch most of the time. I am working towards making my life tolerable and less punishing. Your words of encouragement always help.
(And especially for BJM, hang in there girl. I'm hoping we won't be MS sisters but hey, I know how to hook up those IVs like a pro. Horrible joke there, feel free to cause me bodily harm when we see each other next.)
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