Back in the saddle again ...

Today was a day of reckoning as I drove myself out to the diabetes nurse educator's office. First off, we stopped at the scale and blessedly my weight really hasn't changed any. I was scared to death that it had gone ever higher as I approach a rather large number that I don't want to surpass.

Then we took my blood for my A1C level (piece of cake after Tysabri yesterday) and we tested my glucose level. It was 221 five hours after I had eaten. Not good. Really not good.

I came out with the truth about my lackadaisical testing regimen and my recent high blood sugar numbers. I told her that I was getting no exercise. Shame, your name is Weeble!

So, what am I going to do about this and where does she plan to go?

It looks like I will be starting insulin once a day at the end of the month. If we do that then I no longer have to be on the pills. If it works better then I am all for it as I am already doing a Victoza shot daily.

On my end, I have to check my glucose levels twice a day and report those numbers in two weeks to her. That, coupled with the A1C level, will be the insulin clincher.

I also started exercising again tonight. It was 27 minutes of very low intensity walking but it was something. I am making a real effort from this point on to build up my exercising to 3-4 days a week. I am also charting my blood sugars online along with my exercise at a health site. I really enjoy spending time online so why not use that to my advantage?

I am also making a true concerted effort to eat better and choose better meals and snacks. I even made a big salad tonight and enjoyed it. I'm not saying I will be perfect because I won't be but I have the time and energy to focus on this. It is summer vacation, after all.

Consider me back in the saddle again. My horse may not be moving anywhere but I am ready if it does!

Blank

What to write about, what to write about? I'm a little blank on a specific topic although I will admit that I am mad at myself for doing some pre-marathon carb loading without a marathon in sight.

My blood sugar numbers were phenomenal yesterday. Then this morning I went shopping at 4 a.m. I was picking out some delicious looking tomatoes when I saw the biggest glazed donut. Ever.

And then I walked over and bagged it to take home and eat.

That's not even the worst of it. I also bought potato chips, buy one get one free. What in Hades was I thinking? I am a food addict and I had just bought my drugs for the day. My carb hit came quick and fast when I got home. In went the donut, in went potato chips. Up went my glucose.

Stupid, stupid, stupid move.

I am so disappointed in myself for throwing the previous day's hard work right out the door. And it was hard work as I really limited my carbs and made conscious choices to eat more protein. This diabetes thing is not easy. I thought I would have it licked by now. I stopped eating dinner out almost all the time, cut out the frappes, and even stopped the Dunkin' Donut runs. I am working out about 5 days a week. I have started cooking more healthy meals in my crock pot. I have to watch each thing I put in my mouth.

Some days the numbers are great and some days they stink.

I need to keep at this and not let my mind go blank when I make food choices. I do not want to be on insulin. I want to get this diabetes under my control. I cannot control my MS but I can put forth 100% effort to do everything I can to beat back diabetes.

Sneaking

I recently started corresponding with a new friend about food issues via email. In the course of our conversation it brought up this memory about sneaking food.

I remember a time from my childhood where I snuck some food because I felt I needed it. It was as if there were some magnetic draw between myself and the food. I had to have it.

I was probably a tween and it was definitely summer. I remember wearing shorts, remember sitting at the kitchen table, remember it being the weekend. My mother was making lasagna and had taken a brick of mozzarella and shredded it by hand with a grater.

She left the room and the fresh pile of cheese behind. I got up to eat a little bit, stuffing it into my mouth quickly. Then I went back for more.

My father came charging into the kitchen questioning me about the cheese. Had I taken some? Where was it?

I had heard him coming and hidden the cheese under my leg, my right leg, as I sat at the table. He made me open my mouth. No cheese. He looked around and then discovered the hidden food. I remember a lot of yelling and my mother coming back into the room, looking at me, while I sat shamefacedly.

I think I had been in the room to be close to my mother who worked a lot. I remember the feeling of shame, the embarassment, the guilt. I had stolen from her, from them, and in doing so removed myself even further from her.

Why did I have to sneak that cheese? Why was I compelled to eat? Why couldn't I just sit there like a good girl, a normal girl? Why did I have to let my mother down again?

Again

After yesterday's post I realized that I needed to regroup and get focused. I need to start a new way of eating again. It's time for me to be conscious and to follow the guidelines that Geneen Roth puts forth in her books.

When I do what she's suggested I do better and feel better. When I slow things down and give that time while eating back to myself, it's magical. Less food fills me up. I make better choices. It takes longer to eat because I am tasting the actual food instead of just shoving it down.

I wonder if food will ever not have this pull over me. Why are some people able to just eat, to just sustain themselves with food? Why are others of us seemingly tortured day in and out, trying to eat well and get or stay thin?

Who decided that some of us see food as only fuel while others view food as friend, foe, solace, and comfort?

I have been chubby to overweight to obese for most of my life. When I was thin I was only that way due to an eating disorder. I have had a disordered view of food, weight and eating for as long as I can remember.

I'm trying to change that though, again...

More

We know too much of a good thing is just still too much and therefore not really a good thing. Lately I have been having issues with too much, specifically my weight and my blood sugar. My glucose levels are slowly coming down but are still not in the normal range. I know this is because I am still enjoying a one-sided, unrequited love affair with carbs. Specifically, bagels and cookies from Dunkin' Donuts.

They, however, are basically through with me.

Most days I drive to DD before dawn has cracked to buy a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and a cookie or two. Then I come home and eat them in front of the TV. I am not eating them consciously like Geneen Roth recommends. I am not eating in silence and enjoying the food. I am inhaling it and waiting for the sugar rush to hit.

I am craving carbs like there is no tomorrow, as if each meal is the last one on this planet. This is not a good thing. Some people eat a bagel like this every day and are fine. I'm more of a junkie, biding my time to the next carb fix.

I have to stop and refocus on what Roth has suggested in her books. It's time to eat slowly, without distractions. Time to taste the food and savor it. Plus, I am having big time weight issues.

My weight is up nine pounds in less than 2 weeks. I'm not quite sure how that is possible. A bagel a day and maybe a cookie do not add up to that much poundage. I know I need to get in more fruits and veggies. I know my intestinal tract is rather sluggish and it's not my period.

So I did a little Zumba today and the other day. I had a big salad for lunch. I bought some bagels from the store to stop the DD runs so that means no more cookies. I am still only getting a small frappe once a week. I no longer order out every other night. McDonald's is a place I go for salad instead of burgers.

But I still crave more, more carbs, more sweets. I have curtailed my diet a lot from all the crap I was eating before. Then again I was thinner when I was eating all that crap because the sugar was just running through me.

I need to ask myself what I am trying to fix with food. There's some messy stuff hidden there that needs to be dealt with. I need to do this soon before I go back to work, which is part of the issue. I'm still nervous but doing better because I know I still have weeks left before we start up again. I know I can do this.

I have to do this. My body needs me to get it healthy. I'd like to get off some of this medication. I'd like to start the scale moving in the right direction again. I want to buy smaller clothes. I miss my button-fly jeans!

Time to spend more time eating consciously and looking at the messy stuff.

Inner peace and outer calm

Last night I talked with one of my best pals from college. Lola told me that I get crazy and nervous every year at this time. She built me up and made me laugh about my classroom worries. I went to bed and had a school dream but a good one. I don't remember what it was about but I woke up feeling utterly peaceful and positive about the new year.

Then I cleaned my sink this morning and there's something about scrubbing away the smudges with Comet that makes the whole world seem right. After that I cleaned the toilet, filled up a tire with low pressure, and now I am going to do the dishes that have piled up. Accomplishing small chores like these set my feng shui free to do its thing. There's something about cleaning up your space that helps to clean up your life.

I also ate cleaner today and my blood sugar was much better for it. I even felt better by eating healthier.

All around I am going to give myself an A+ for the day.

Into the light

In college, several states away from home, I was very sick with bulimia. There I started real therapy for the first time in my life. I was slightly hopeful. Maybe then someone could see the good in me.

At one time I was so ill I had to go to the college infirmary every day for vitals. Every morning I dutifully showed up. I was a good girl underneath all the "badness". I did as I was told.

Eventually the therapy helped me to realize I wasn't worthless. I never took meds there for depression but that improved also. I got better with someone believing in me.

When I was doing better, years later, the bulimia came under control. Eventually I stopped all the pills and the purging. I went from throwing up every night to nights where I could eat and retain the food like a normal person. I didn't have to excuse myself to go purge any more. I put on some weight once I stopped the bulimia, not much, but I remember my mother saying I looked pregnant. I was so hurt because my family knew of my bulimia but ignored it. They were good at ignoring big problems and making me feel bad about myself.

Now I see a new life, a better one. One not filled with so much anger. One where I can let lots of the past go.

This new life is a strange one. Part of it is better living through pharmaceuticals, part of it is better living through ten years of intense therapy, part of it is self-acceptance, wisdom, and self-love. A lot of it is personal growth.

If I can overcome depression and bulimia, I can overcome anything. If I can adjust to life with multiple sclerosis, I can learn to deal with diabetes. I can learn to control my weight instead of letting it control me.

It's time for the real me to shed the extra weight and let my light shine.

Self abuse

I spent years trying to destroy myself, both overtly and subconsciously. I recall severe depression and self-injury starting in the fifth grade. It escalated from there to hallucinations, overdoses and slit wrists. I was desperate as a young girl to make my pain go away. Suicide seemed like the only viable option.

The first time I was seriously hospitalized I was in the ninth grade. It was like a saving grace, to be away from my family who refused to help me in the midst of all my turmoil. I remember feeling safer but that was not a place where you'd want your child to spend a month.

I was hospitalized again in tenth grade for another suicide attempt and for bulimia. By then I was learning that I was too timid to actually pull off suicide, so I started to kill myself slowly. Bulimia was a way of saying, "F--- you," to my family. It allowed me to scrape my insides raw while looking normal on the outside. I could starve, then binge, then puke it all out. Anger within, exited with food.

It felt good to be in control of one thing in my life. I ran, I starved, I was sick with sores around my mouth. I was anemic. I thought I was fat when I was not. I bought in to what I was told: I was selfish, unlovable, stupid, BIG.

In fact, I was none of those things.

I abused myself because I knew of no other way to survive. There was no help for me, no therapy, only people telling me I was wrong. I was the weird one, the freak, the black sheep. No matter how small I physically got, I could not escape my parents' prying eyes and harsh words. They said I wanted too much when all I wanted was love and acceptance.

Bulimia overtook my life. I lived on diet pills, diuretics, and laxatives. I exercised like crazy, sometimes twice a day. At one time I was doing five thousand sit-ups a night. It took me hours to accomplish this.

It took me years to beat bulimia.

Safety

What makes you feel safe? Is it knowing that you have a home to call your own, friends who keep your secrets, a spouse who loves you no matter what, or a combination of these things?

For me, safety has been being overweight, to be full to the point where no one can see inside me. It meant to be surrounded by and covered with weight so no one could get to my core, the place where the real me survives.

Slowly, ever so slowly, that is changing.

Weight has been a form of protection, a barrier from and for others for a lifetime. To change that takes great courage and introspection. Looking inside and at myself is something I rarely do. What I see frightens me and causes me to want to run away from that.

What do I see when I look deep inside? I see someone who is small and scared, someone needy and wanting, someone desperate for intimacy but so scarred that I run from it when it's offered. I see someone who wants to be less shy and more open, less restrained, happier, and more content with my life. But I haven't known how to do that until recently.

Shining the light on the messy stuff is hard. Working through the weight issues means not just losing pounds but getting my head on straight. My mother suggests weight loss surgery but that would only solve the problem of the pounds not the actual demons I battle. When you live feeling like you are unloveable, that you are not worthy, that you are not enough, it does not matter whether you weigh 110 pounds or 210 pounds. The feelings are still there and the pounds will come back if that is how you deal with things.

Food is slowly but surely losing its hold over me. I have cut down to one small frappe a week. I no longer go to Dunkin Donuts for bagels or cookies. I can order a pizza and it can last for more than one meal. It sounds silly but these are small victories for me. I am doing battle against diabetes, against obesity, against these feelings of being less than I am.

I am slowly winning but this isn't a race, it's just a journey that I need to take.

Steps

Anyone for a dance?

Today I took one step forward and one to the side. I'm not ready to go backward yet. I'll just slide from side to side, even if I don't have a partner.

In diabetes news I had to call in my glucose readings for the last week. The numbers weren't good, often in the high 200s and 300s. Sooooooooo that means it is time to tweak the meds again. Glipizide is moving from twice a day to three times a day and we are adding in a third drug called Actos once a day. I will continue to take the Metformin ER twice a day at 1,000 mg each time.

I am majorly bummed out about the whole diabetes debacle. I guess I assumed that once I was on meds my numbers would just magically drop but not so much. I guess I really need to work at this plus take my medicine. I have made some huge strides with my food, virtually eliminating frappes and not eating out from my favorite order-in place. I am also eating more mindfully and consciously. I am making better choices but my numbers aren't reflecting these choices as much as I'd like them to do so.

I also set up an appointment with a dentist in my insurance network. Huge step forward because I am going to admit to you all right now that the last time I went to the dentist I was still married. I left my "wasband" in February 2000 so it's been a while since a doctor was poking around my mouth. I have no fear of dentists; I just haven't gone because I go to so many other doctors. But, with diabetes, I must now go twice a year like a normal human to get my teeth cleaned.

Tomorrow is my first consultation, exam and X-rays. Then I can get set up for a cleaning. Thank goodness for my flex plan. Now I can afford dental appointments and Tysabri. All my diabetes meds are, thankfully, free.

My weight loss has stalled even with the decrease in food intake. No more Dunkin Donut bagel runs at night. I bought those bagel thins thingies and some cream cheese to savor at home. I also need to get some eggs to hard-boil so I have some more protein options. I can do this, I will do this. It may be going slow but I'll take progress over stagnation.

Too much of a good thing

I still have more than a month until I officially go back to school to work. I do have to work two days coming up in a few weeks and I will have to go in and set up my new room but for real work, I have some time left to waste. The thing is it's too much of a good thing. I have too much time on my hands.

Sounds like a good thing but for me it isn't. I wouldn't mind working all year long and having three days off a week. Throw in our regular vacations and I would be a happy camper.

Food can be too much of a good thing too. It's all around me and available 24/7 because I am here at home 24/7. I do better on an eating plan when I have a structured week. Now I am just all over the place, sleeping at odd hours, awake in the middle of the night, with no specific purposes to my days.

Food can be friend, enemy, joy, sadness, anything at all that I need it to be. What I need food to be is just fuel. That's what it is supposed to be anyway. Babies come in to the world with base instincts, eating being one of them. They basically eat whatever is placed in their mouths from the little spoons. They don't start out all whacked out about food.

How do so many of us get from there to here? I know I am not the only obese person in the country or the state or this city or even in my apartment building. There are literally tons of us. When did we come to the fork in the road and take it to eat more?

Why do I feel so alone in this when I am clearly not the only fat lady in the room? I guess that's why I see food as a friend at times. It keeps me company when I am lonely and fills up my time when I am bored.

Food as only fuel... something for me to ponder.

You are what you eat

I've finally dsicovered the mere fact that if you take in crap you feel like crap. Doh! I'm not generally this slow on the uptake but in this case I am. Now that I am diabetic, with my sugars still out of control, I am feeling the headaches that come along with eating too many fats and carbs. I am supposed to be carb counting but have been doing a half-ass job of it.

I rarely sleep through the night and often find myself driving to Dunkin Donuts for a bagel with cream cheese at some random time in the morning, say around 3 a.m. Then I also get a big ole chocolate chip cookie, double doh! No wonder my sugars are in the 300s even hours later.

So today I pulled out my meal planning and carb counting book from the diabetes nurse educator and flipped through it. Time to get a little more serious. I have a good month before I have to return to school and I'd really love to see lower numbers. Even when I do eat well my numbers are often very high, rarely under 200 and nowhere near where they actually should be.

I guess there's a learning curve with every illness. It took me a long time to get past being a person with multiple sclerosis to just being a person again. MS consumed me for a long time because I was so symptomatic and needed to take shots daily. Then there were the side effects of the Copaxone shots. I was immersed in the MS online community, searching for people who were like me, who felt like me. That took years.

Now I coexist with the MS and am happily in remission. That brings me to the present time to focus on food, healthy thoughts, exercise, and diabetes.

I am now turning a wary eye to mindful eating even when it includes a bagel and a cookie. I enjoy eating them and eat them slowly. The problem ensues with the diabetes. That just means it's time to refocus the lens again to see the clearer picture.

It's as simple as the old line, you are what you eat.

Feeling and not feeding

Today I stepped a little outside of my comfort zone and went to a party at a friend from high school's house. I haven't seen him for about twenty years, except for on Facebook which is how the whole party got started. First off, I am shy. Honestly I am. Most people don't know that but I prefer to stay out of the spotlight. I prefer to hide rather than shine. I prefer to feed instead of feel.

What does that mean?

Well, I've mentioned before how I use weight to separate myself from others. Being fat allows you to exist on the fringe of society. People see me, but they don't really see me. Instead they see flesh, poundage, rolls. They can focus on my looks and not focus on what lurks beneath. If they are looking at my fatness then they are not able to see what the Inner Voice talks about: how I am selfish, lazy, unlovable... I listen to those words and cringe and feed.

But not today, not so much.

Today I grabbed my fruit tray and traveled with my trusty and reliable friend BJM to our friend's house. I tried not to worry about the way I looked and who would be there. When it was time to eat I did not gorge myself because I was feeling uncomfortable. I felt the feelings and smiled and listened and occasionally talked. I ate appropriately and did not come home and binge. I shut down the Voice for a while.

Sometimes silence is golden.

Living

"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." - Diane Ackerman

This quote defines what most of us do, live the length and miss out on all the good stuff along the way. The good stuff used to mean food but I am now coming awake to the world again. Using your senses and living, really living, and revelling in the world is a fantastic thing. It's what babies do. They explore their environment bit by bit and learn how exciting each new day is with a new set of eyes.

It's time I did the same.

Today I noticed how wonderful it felt to complete little chores I needed to do. I noticed the breeze on my skin and hair as I drove with the windows down in the car. I smelled the pork tenderloin I was actually cooking, for once, in the kitchen. I talked with BJM on the phone and made plans to attend a party with friends tomorrow.

It used to be that my only solace and joy was found in whatever food I could dive into the fastest. I focused my life on the size of my thighs and the amount of cookies I could gobble down. I listened to the Inner Voice and allowed it to consume me as I consumed food with haste.

It is hard to change a lifestyle one has held on to for over 30 years. It begins with small steps, little changes such as telling yourself that you are beautiful because of your smile, that you are intelligent beyond what others know and that is all right, that you are kind and a good listener, even though I can talk quite a bit. I am not so bad.

Did you hear that, Inner Voice?

There are some people out there who think I am rather fabulous and it's about time I did so, as well.

Making choices

When I choose not to eat consciously and without the television, I find myself overeating, putting way too much food inside me. I did this this morning eating a bagel with cream cheese, a cookie, and a small frappe for breakfast. What the heck was I thinking? I guess you could say I wasn't thinking. I was just looking to fill a hole that has been there since I was little. I was hungry for food but for something else, as well.

I want to rebel against the guidelines that have been set before me. I want to eat more carbs than I am supposed to, I want to eat more food than I am supposed to. I am what Geneen Roth calls a Permitter and boy, do I fit that description to a T. I want to throw out the rules and live and let live. The problem is that in doing so I am slowly killing myself. I mean how many health-related problems does a woman have to have before she cries enough?

Part of the permitter syndrome is falling prey to the Inner Voice I mentioned before. The Voice that says, "You're fat, unlovable, unworthy, selfish, dumb..." To shut the Voice down you can either stuff it down with food or feel the feelings behind it. This morning I chose to stuff it down.

Feeling the feelings behind the false beliefs of the Voice is tough stuff. I feel so much better when I choose to eat with no T.V., chewing thoughtfully, feeling and tasting the food. It's so much tastier and satisfying when you slow down and enjoy your eating. So why am I not doing it all the time?

I must remind myself that I am better than being a woman with type-two diabetes, high blood pressure, and sleep apnea. I deserve more than that. I can get my weight under control and must do so. In doing that I can start to control those things that I just mentioned. I can beat back the Inner Voice. I can eat consciously and I enjoy doing so. I just need to do these positive moves more often.

It's all about making choices. I hope yours are good ones.

Another number

Yesterday I went to see the diabetes nurse educator. It was a great visit and I learned the basics of diabetes and how to test my blood sugar levels. The first reading there was 354. That's a bit too high but it could be worse. Since then I have been testing twice a day and my numbers have been in the 200's. That's an improvement but there's still lots more room to go.

The DNE also doubled my Metformin to 2000 mg and added in Glipizide 5 mg twice a day. More pills to take but if it makes me healthier I am all for it. If you could see my "pill bottle shelves" you might be amazed that someone so short has enough room to ingest all the meds lined up there.

My new numbers I actually DO need to focus on are 100 and 140. If I could get my blood sugar levels there I would be doing a fabulous job. 100 is the number (or somewhere around there) where I should generally be and less than 140 about two hours after a meal. It's something to shoot for in the near future.

Today was my Tysabri infusion and I went in in kind of a funk. I had a headache but after the infusion I came right home and tumbled into bed for a two-hour nap. Thankfully tomorrow is a day with no doctors or nurses. I can sleep in and get my exercise done before a relaxing shower.

I wanted to pick up another Geneen Roth book today but I was just too wiped out to make it to the book store. I think I might look them up on Amazon and order them from there.

Tomorrow I have dinner out with some friends and Saturday is another BBQ with other friends. Some fun times ahead.

Still trying to focus on conscious eating. I discovered that there are some things in my apartment that I don't really like eating at all and I threw them away. How cool is that? I also find it difficult to eat in silence. I crave having the idiot box on while I eat. I guess some bad habits are hard to break. Thank goodness I am working on making some good ones.

Yogurt

I just ate a yogurt, a raspberry cheesecake low-fat one. No biggie, right? Except it was a BIG deal, a HUGE deal if you are inhabiting my body.

I have almost finished reading Geneen Roth's latest book called Women Food and God. And no, there is not a parentheses in the title. It's been both a struggle and an eye-opener for me.

Back to the yogurt, though...

I experienced the yogurt like I've never done before. Yep, I ate it but I felt it and smelled it and savored it and focused on it. I actually turned the TV off while I was eating. That's a biggie for me right there. Then there was the ten-minute process of experiencing the yogurt. Yes, ten minutes. You read that correctly.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I was in the moment and conscious of what I was eating. I was feeding myself something I wanted and taking the time to enjoy it. I felt the texture and the little seedlings that make you think of raspberries. I smelled the yogurt before I even started eating it, felt the silky texture as it glided past teeth and over tongue and down my throat. I thought of my poor esophagus that I mistreated for years when I threw up after almost every meal. I thought about the mistreatment of my body by my own self through food.

There is a line in the book that made me say, "Wow, that is me, too." It's from a letter written to the author after one of her retreats.

The letter writer states,"I keep people out and one of the main ways I do that is by eating."

That is me to a T. I eat for lots of reasons and for a variety of emotions. I eat because I am lonely, I eat because I am alone, I eat because I am a bundle of nerves about my new job, I eat because I feel that I am not enough. I eat to fill up the space between my feelings and the reality.

I eat because I am sick, I eat because I feel good. I eat and eat and eat and it's somehow never enough. The eating isn't the answer but it's not not the answer either. It's time to slow down and rethink my relationship with food. I might finally be able to throw the door open and shine a torch on the dark spaces inside that I've kept hidden. It might just be time for the messy stuff to come out.

Too hot to trot... but I did sprinkle

I was a somewhat busy girl today because I was "helping" to make the cookies at BJM's house. She and her mom were making Italian cookies for BJM's nephew's graduation. The cookie making is quite a production. They don't just make cookies, people. They MAKE lots and lots of cookies, hundreds and hundreds of them.

My job is the official sprinkler. BJM's mom puts the frosting on them and then I go to work. It's a fine line between too many sprinkles and just right. I am the only non-family outsider who is allowed to participate in the cookie making. It's quite an honor and I'm not kidding.

It was hot again today and I was sweating like a pig (do pigs sweat?). I swear I sweat more than anyone else I know. It starts with my hair and before you know it, I have no semblance of a hairstyle within a few minutes. It's just uncomfortable when it's anywhere near 80 degrees and humidity wipes me out. I am spending lots of time in my bedroom bat cave with the air conditioning on.

No exercise today. I'll try to get some Zumba going on tomorrow as Tuesday is my first weigh in for Weight Watchers.

Happy weekend,
Weebs

Ramblings

Work aka School

I went to school on Friday and worked for about four hours. I got my computer and copier passwords restored and looked up some information for my going back to work on Friday. Right this moment it's freaking me out so I imagine that on Thursday evening I'm going to be needing every bit of Xanax I can get my hands on.

I saw the kids for a few minutes as it was a half day for conferences (I'm sooooooo sad I missed P-T conferences. NOT!) Then I went to work in between my sub's two conferences for the afternoon. I organized some papers, threw some stuff out, cleaned a teensy bit, and sent out more papers for copies. I also started writing up my Friday lesson plans. My FRIDAY plans. Oh my gosh, those 5 months went quickly. If you're a praying sort, please pray for me. I know it will be FINE when I get there and drop the Iron Curtain but it seems so nerve-wracking rightatthismoment.




Weather

It's been hotter than normal here which is something my body no longer really enjoys. Yesterday, I slept on and off through 6 p.m. and avoided most of the heat. It was supposed to be in the 80s and my MS just last year started to turn on me when it got warmer. Then again I was awake at 3 a.m. and went grocery shopping. Yes, that was 3 in the morning. There were three teenagery types in the store plus me and no waiting in line. Yippee.

Today was only about 60 degrees according to my car. Tolerable. Tomorrow is supposed to be mid-80s. Are you kidding me? This is the end of April and it's central NY where it just snowed two weeks ago. Two weeks ago.




Social gathering aka Food Party

Today I attended a Tastefully Simple (aka Sinful because their stuff is so yummy) party. It's basically a chance for a gaggle of women to get together and eat their brains out as they taste test 22 different items. (Yes, that was twenty-two items! Yummo) My favorite was the almond cake with blackberry preserves mixed in. That was heaven in a bite.

My least fave was the blue cheese dip. I just can't get into blue cheese. Never have and most likely never will. I also wasn't a big fan of their taco type items. Sorry BJM, I know you like that stuff.

Drum roll............ I also partook of a wine slushie at the fiesta. This was the first bit of alcohol in a long time. It was pretty good even though I am not much of a wine drinker (or any other kind of drinker either).

I had a fun time with BJM and some of her family and friends. I pretty much knew everyone and I ordered some things that will require either mixing and/or baking. Bet you thought I couldn't do that, did you? I can, I just don't.




Other stuff

I do have Tysabri #8 coming up on Tuesday so I can sneak that in right before I have to go back to work. That's one less day I'll have to take off without pay for now so I'm delighted. I hope I will only have to take one day off in May to get it done and June should find us out of school before that next one is due.

I have no idea what else to say so this is it.

The wagon rolled over me

Okay, I last wrote about the car after the nutritionist's appointment. I had a flat tire and then needed a jump to get to the repair shop. I mentioned that I had purchased some "off the list" items for my own nutritional enjoyment on Monday, namely a chicken and feta cheese pita sandwich and a big Reese's peanut butter egg. These are items not sanctioned by Mr. S.P.N aka Mr. Skinny Pants Nutritionist.

Since that day I have fallen off and then rolled underneath the wagon. Perhaps not as bad as the woman in the picture as I have not purchased any ice cream, although there's still time (teeheehee) before I drag my gigantic azz back up on the wagon.

Tuesday I went to Dunkin Donuts again after having gone last Sunday, so that was twice in one week! I did have the awful craptastic flatbread egg and veggie sandwich. That just tastes so tasteless that it's not worth the trip anymore. I will only go for a brownie and no hot chocolate even though I love their delicious hot choc with whipped cream on top. So there Mr. S.P.N., I am moderating what I will eat.

I also went to Subway on Thursday and bought a foot long sub instead of a 6 inch. Let me tell you, that was delicious. I didn't eat much else that day but I must hang my head low and come clean and let you all know that I ate three cookies that day.

In further off the wagon news, I ordered out on Friday night from a local restaurant and received some fabulously yummy fried, yes I did say fried, fish and mozzarella sticks. It did come with a salad which I ate with full on ranch dressing. In addition, I ate my way through a piece of white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake.

Today I ate a brownie from the grocery store and a candy bar. I have indeed chosen not to fall off the wagon but instead to leap with joy from the freedom of Mr. S. P. N. as I do not need to see him for two months, or rather 1 month and three weeks. See what happens to me when I have a little leeway?

I will say I have been eating more frozen veggies at night and I actually cooked a frozen meal on the stove once this week. I have been eating my bananas. I have been drinking tomato juice. I have learned to enjoy my morning french vanilla decaf tea instead of hot chocolate. I made sure I walked at least 4 times this week, including a 2 mile walk today.

I just went a little crazy with the freedom of not seeing Mr. S.P.N. for so long. I still have a candy bar in the freezer and I imagine I will call Pizza Hut this week to get my personal pan pizza and bread sticks. I am supposed to stay away from DD this week if I am getting pizza. We'll see if I am able to do that. I do know I need to make a better food effort so here I go.

Anyone seen a wagon rolling on around here? I need to climb back on and belt myself in for a new ride.