A message to my students: 2011

Many years I take the time to write something and then read it to my students at the end of the year. It is my way of saying goodbye and good luck. Believe it or not, there is something inside of each one of you that I like. It is what makes you, you.

I like it when you support one another and work together as a team. I like it when you do your work well and turn it in on time. I like it when you laugh at my jokes or carry my chair in from outside or you tell me something funny, that is school appropriate, of course. I like to see your smiles and hear your laughter.

There are many things that changed throughout this past year. First of all, I am going to tell you a big secret. Listen closely as I say this: I was scared to come and teach sixth grade. It was something new to me after having taught fifth grade for so long and knowing exactly what I was supposed to do and working with people who were my close friends. I was very comfortable doing what I had been doing for several years.

I was so angry when I learned that I had to make a change to come teach sixth grade. But, and this is big, I learned and adapted and eventually thrived.

You did, too.

I made new friends and so did some of you.

I learned new things and so did you.

I learned that some times the thing that scares you the most turns out to be one of the best experiences of your life. It's when you are forced to stretch past your regular boundaries that you find out how far you can really go.

I am going to miss you, yes all of you, even those of you that I yell at a lot. I yell because I care. After you leave on Thursday I will come back to my room and it will seem empty because all of you will be gone. There will be no more basketball or bouncy balls. There will just be silence and all the things left out that I need to pack away.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for summer vacation. I just hope that when you return next year that you will sometimes say hello or smile at me in the hallway. Teachers like that sort of thing. It makes them feel special.

Teachers care about their students, no matter how old or big they get. I remember when I student taught in sixth grade at this very school. Mr. Burridge was a student in that sixth grade class. Now he is all grown up, reeeeeally grown up, and we are colleagues and friends.

It's unusual how life works. You plan to do one thing and sometimes something entirely different happens.

My advice to you is this:

1.) Be kind to one another, even when you don't want to be. You never know how much your smile or kind word or deed will affect someone else.

2.) Take advantage of your time in school to join sports or band and learn new things to the best of your ability. Life is so much easier with a good educational background.

3.) When you leave today try and think of one good time you had with me this year, whether it was watching a movie, reading a novel, practicing and practicing for the state math test, playing Scattegories or another math game, or something else; because, listen closely again, I will be thinking of each one of you and how lucky I was to be your teacher.

Weekend

It's such a relief to know that I do not have breast cancer. I find myself tearing up at anything that has to do with breast cancer on the television. But for the grace of God....

Thank you Lord for my life, my health, my family, my friends, my job, and the many accoutrements that go hand in hand with my quiet and wonderful existence. I have so many gifts that may seem small and petty to others but I hold them dear to me. My few close friends are simply divine people that I wouldn't change for the world. I am in remission from my multiple sclerosis and I have less than a month left of school until I can revel in summer vacation.

I walked again last night but not tonight. Today was more of a low-key sleep the day away kind of dealio. I was so tired and had no gumption to do much. I see more movement on the horizon for tomorrow. I'll be going over to my Mom's house and we're going all out with some barbecued chicken, spare ribs and some sides from a local BBQ place. I'm looking forward to that.

Happy Memorial Day to you and yours and to all our military personnel, past and present, especially my brother and sister.
Weebs

What happened to March?

Not only what happened to March, but what the heck happened to me, ye olde trusty blogger? I have to admit folks that I need new topics to write about because my MS is in remission, my diabetes I'm not focusing on much (which reminded me to go take my blood sugar for the first time in ten days!), and school is going okay.

In short, which is what I am for those of you who know me in real life, life is just ducky.

My MS Walk team is getting revved up and ready to go for our May 1st walk. We're a small team compared to some but we're mighty in spirit. Right now we are third for team fundraising and I am first for individual fundraising for the Syracuse, NY walk. I'm just thrilled with that even if I am behind compared to last year's amount. I know the economy is tanking and discretionary spending doesn't necessarily include donations to the NMSS. However, I am thankful to all who have been generous in time, spirit, and donations of goods and cold hard cash.

The diabetes thing is a bit of a problem because even though my A1C is dropping it's not because I have made a concerted effort to change things. Since my Dad's death in November I have been a huge slacker in this area. I rarely check my blood sugar weekly, let alone check it twice a day. I am trying to remember all my meds but often forget my Victoza shot in the morning. My other meds give me the "runs" which are oh so pleasant, especially when you already have some bowel and bladder issues due to MS.

I know this is TMI but I have lost more panties due to sudden explosions than I care to count. I just ordered some new ones online to replace the casualties. Now back to your unregularly scheduled program...

So diabetes is something I need to conquer. I can do it, was doing it, until Dad died. Then some things fell apart, like me, and the diabetes thing got lost in the shuffle. I keep telling myself I'll start to take better care of myself and then I don't. Maybe I need to write more about that. Maybe the blog needs to take a diabetes slant for a bit. I mean, I do fancy my eyesight and all my limbs and such. It would be a tragedy to survive and thrive with MS and then go blind or need something amputated in the future.

I also need to start really exercising again. I have been walking in my little apartment to get prepared for our big walk. Last year there was no turn around sign so we kept on walking extra and I absolutely plan against doing that this year. I know where to look now and plan to do three mile minimum (or less, if I can get away with it). I have people at work that tell me they don't walk and I want to tell them that neither do I on a regular, athletic basis. I know I need to but I just don't. Walking after work puts a real dent in my napping time.

It is Spring now and I am loving that. I drive to work with the sun coming up on the driver's side as I go to school. I sometimes leave in the afternoon and can open the sunroof. Oh what a joy that is! When you live in a place that snows from October/November to April/May, spring is a welcome sight, sound, and smell. There's nothing quite like fresh blades of green grass and flowers poking up through the formerly frozen ground.

Oh, the card making thing is going swimmingly also. Did I tell you I joined Stampin' Up! as a demonstrator? I was thinking about doing it, decided against it, and then completely changed my mind and did it. Just jumped in with both feet, boom. Now I am making a little bit of money doing something fun that I enjoy. Something besides teaching that is.

Speaking/typing of teaching... today is a half day for the kiddos and so is tomorrow for parent-teacher conferences. I'll be working until sometime around 6 tonight but then leaving early Friday. Then, blissfully, I will be off all next week for vacation. I'm not going anywhere, except for my Tysabri appointment and to the neurologist and a few fun side trips mixed in to work on cards and such. Sleeping in, if Edison allows it, will be fabulous.

So, in a nutshell, this nut is doing okay in spite of all the challenges that life has thrown at me for the last year. I hope you're doing well, too.

Happy February

Yesterday was not only Groundhog Day but, more importantly, it was a SNOW day for me. I was able to do some napping, loads of cleaning which my apartment needed, some beef stew making in the crock pot, and I made tons of Valentine's Day cards. That's my new non-caloric obsession: card making.

On Saturday I went to a scrapbooking get-together and made cards there. Then I started up with more cards on Tuesday night and continued that into snow day Wednesday. I have probably made upwards of some twenty cards for my valentine friends. I delivered most of them today and I still forgot some friends so more cards await in my future.

I had a Stampin' Up! card party at my good pal, BJM's house last week. (I had it there because my place is so little and there's not enough table space.) It was so much fun because we had a great demonstrator who even asked me to join her team! I said no for now but perhaps in the future it might be something I would consider. It was also a great time to order things because with every $50 spent you could choose something free from a variety of goodies. Then there were the free hostess gifts and just my regular ordering of new stamps and inks and such.

I have to admit I spent more than I normally would on myself but I don't do a whole lot of spending on *me*. I don't wear makeup (gasp) or wear fancy clothes. I don't travel anymore and I stay close to home, especially now with the winter weather. So in my mind, I figure that I deserve to get more goodies for myself. I have also justified some spending on stamps and such because I am making thank you cards for those who donate money, goods, or services to my MS Walk team.

Speaking/Typing of the MS Walk, we have (as a team) raised $750 to date and I am almost at $500 for my individual fundraising. I'd like to raise 3K this year which is a few hundred dollars more than last year. I'd also like to see the size of our team grow to include at least one male and more friends overall. I have high hopes for our team this year and I plan to do something different with our raffle baskets to get more money and more people buying tickets. My mind is awash with money-making ideas.

I hope this message finds you in good spirits. The sun came out today so I find myself feeling extra-cheery after not seeing it for several days. I do love a snow day but I like some sunshine as well.

The great equalizer

I just finished my Zumba Cardio Party DVD and I feel absolutely sweaty and fantastic. When I feel logy and down I have to remember to force myself to put in a workout and do it. I did NOT want to do Zumba tonight but I told myself I'd just do at least 20 minutes, which I often tell myself, and then I often end up doing the whole fifty minutes or so. Good for me, in more ways than one.

Exercise is the great equalizer. If you do it right you get that endorphin high the experts all talk about. I do it right when I do Zumba and I love it. There is nothing like the feeling when your body has completed a strong, cardio workout where your heart is beating faster, your breathing is deeper, and the sweat is pouring into the bandana wrapped around your head. Afterwards you glow, okay maybe I only glisten, but I feel like a million bucks. I don't focus on the fat and flab. Instead I thank my body for going through the dancing motions and holding up during the tough times.

I am not an official spokesperson for Zumba but I do enjoy flopping around, pretending I am doing all those dances and moves correctly. I especially love the Samba. I like pretending that the guy in the back row with the cute bod is actually smiling at me. I like pretending that Beto, the instructor, can actually see me and is thanking me, just me, for attending the Cardio Party with him.

I thank Zumba for making me feel more gorgeous, more competetent, healthier, and stronger when in reality I am an overweight woman with pink eye. (Yes, you read that right. I go to school for one day with no children and catch pink eye.) Some days all you can do is laugh and then do your Zumba.

School bites

I have survived the meetings and the last minute set up of my classroom. I have made it through the first day and now the second. Yahoo. Today we actually did some learning and I did some teaching.

I am getting used to the SMART board in my room which is a fantastic piece of technology. My neighbor teacher has been kind enough to show me lots of things that I needed to know to use it. Today we played with freeflour.com during our snack time and the kiddos loved it. It's a game much like freerice.com except this one asks Social Studies questions and for each question correct a spoonful a flour is donated to people in need. In ten spoonfuls there is enough flour to make a bun. We played long enough to make two buns. Tomorrow we'll play freerice.com.

My class has only been there for two days but this seems like a group that I could really enjoy. What a difference from last year both in kiddos and in myself. I was actually enjoying what I was doing with them today. I feel much better than I did at this time last year. What a difference a year makes.

I'm baaaaaaaaaack

I'm sorry to have left this space empty for so long. I've been enjoying not working. Don't hate me for typing that.

My dad is slowly improving from his surgery. I went over for the fifth of July for barbecued chicken and I brought my deviled eggs. We had a pleasant time together and I was there for about four hours. My parents have had the house re-sided, a new front door put on, and central air put in.

My parents looked older to me for the first time. They both are eating less and they both look a little frail in their own way. They're not old really; my mom is in her mid 50s and my dad is in his early 60s.

I have also hired a cleaning service that starts tomorrow. They are to make the bathroom sparkling clean in every way, will vacuum upstairs and down, do my windows, and will also scrub my kitchen floor. All for the bargain price of fifty dollars. I am so excited to see my tiny place look clean okay.

Remember the high school reunion I mentioned a few months back? It looks like I am actually going to go next week. I may be stepping out of my shell more and going out to see some of my old friends. Yep, I am still fat but why should that stop me from doing something that might actually bring me some joy?

Three weeks!

I have officially completed three weeks back at work. I think I have five weeks left so soon we'll be exactly halfway through with the remainder of the school year.

An unusual thing happened on Thursday of this week. Just as I went to shut the TV off and leave for work, on the screen appeared a delay notice of an hour for my district. What great luck since we had Friday off for the long weekend already. I was pretty psyched that we got to work an hour less.

I called a few work pals to let them know of the delay (due to low water pressure) because it was only on one TV channel and a lot of people don't watch the television in the morning. They were all surprised and astonished.

Me being the early person that I am waited a little while and then decided to go in and work in peace and quiet and put my grades in the computer. I arrived to a few people standing in the parking lot, a big truck, and water flowing out of the building through a big hose. A parent was trying to drop off his dumpling but I told him we had a delay just as my coworkers yelled over that we were closed.

CLOSED!

Suddenly I had another day off to add to my four day weekend. Now I had five days off! It was a gorgeous morning with a light breeze, blue skies and sunshine. It was to be 87 degrees on Thursday which made it ideal to be out of the classroom as we have no air conditioning. I was smiling because I had awaken that morning super tired, tossing and turning the night before. I could now count on a nap and I actually had two of them on Thursday.

Thursday became my errand day and I went to the post office for the first time in about three weeks. I paid bills at home, online and off. I had my handicap placard turned in to get a new one for the next three years. (I don't use it often but when I do, I NEED to use it.) I got a check from the insurance company so I went to the bank and got three rolls of quarters for the washer and dryer. I bought a muffin on the way home from school and filled up my gas tank. I talked to the special ed teacher/wonder helper on the phone for over an hour. And, I still had time to take my two naps. Talk about unexpected bliss.

Now I'm not sure if we are going to have to go an extra day in June to make up for this unexpected day off. I guess I'll find out on Tuesday when I go back to work. I'm hoping for some kind of major miracle that won't penalize us. Time to pray.

Thrilling Thursday

Today was an almost peaceful day as one unruly child is spending a week off courtesy of out of school suspension and the biggest of the unrulies spent the day in in school suspension. We started the day off by answering questions using direct quotations from our reading book.

They all worked.

Quietly.

Like angels.

I smiled with the biggest smile. We were like a real classroom uninterrupted by the ridiculousness of two unruly children. You'd be surprised how awful acting two small people can be. It's so bad at times that I feel bad for the rest of the kids. I wish they'd rise up and tell the other two to shut their pie holes but they are too afraid and too intimidated to do it.

Isn't that a shame that two people could potentially wreck the environment for nineteen other individuals? I thought the benefit of the many was supposed to outweigh the benefit of the few? Isn't that how it generally works in society?

Thoughts on this anyone, anyone? Bueller, Bueller?

Back to school: the gritty reality

If you follow this blog then you know that Friday was the big day, my return to school. Thursday night was "something" but I was mostly calm with a slight case of the jitters. I tuned in to watch Survivor but got tired about halfway through. So I went up to bed around 8:30 and read until about 8:50 and then I drifted off to slumberland.

The first time I woke up it was about midnight. I read for a bit and then was back to sleep. Until about three a.m. Then I was really awake. I was up until about 4:30 or so and then I surrendered back to sleep.

The alarm went off about 5:20 and I jumped out of bed. Okay, maybe I didn't jump, but I rolled over with more than the usual enthusiasm for that time of the morning. Down the stairs, fed the cat, and eased myself into the shower within a reasonable amount of time from waking up.

After the shower I decided to go with shorts regardless of my slightly hairy legs as it was going to be about 70 for the big day. I got fully dressed and coiffed (not that my hair ever looks good as it is so limp) and put on sandals for the day. I skipped down the stairs, okay not skipped but walked without much of a limp, and found that I still had a quarter hour before I could really leave yet.

I packed a lunch without worrying too much what was in it. I also forgot a spoon for my yogurt, drat. (Thankfully, there were plastic ones at work to use!) The good thing about school is that I hardly eat any lunch and I generally forgo breakfast unless I am jonesing and stop at Dunkin Donuts. True to form, I ate a bite of a mozzarella cheese stick, not the fried kind, and about half a yogurt.

But what about the kids and the actual work? It went very well overall. I think most of the kids were pleased to have me back. I even got some hugs in the morning and a few when kiddos left at the end of the day. Before the kids arrived my special ed teacher that works in my room had me say, "I'm fantastic and I'm a genius." I did this a few times and it made me laugh but I swear it worked to pump me up.

Now picture my kiddos all seated and ready and me going over all the rules and routines again. It may sound silly but you have to do that kind of thing. I wasn't super happy with how they had behaved for the sub when I was in the room the past few times. I believe that most kids will live up to your expectations and that most of them like routines. Everyone likes to know what is expected from them in the world. It makes life easier.

The kiddos were mostly good with the exception of one unruly bugger who is a special ed student. That's where the special ed. wonder teacher/pal of mine comes in and sweeps him away and puts him in the room next door so I can continue teaching to everyone else. She's like a vulture swooping in for her prey and she does a good job of it.

We made it through the day and I even received a beautiful flower arrangement and a welcome back balloon from one of my students on behalf of her and the rest of the class. It made me smile big and it's home now where I can look at it and enjoy it. It makes me feel good inside that someone cared enough to do that!

That was my day. I gave two tests, we took notes, I introduced Latin America, we talked, we cleaned out our desks, we passed out folders and notebooks. We were a classroom again. I was a teacher again. It was a very good day indeed.

Back to school, for a visit

Yesterday was a nice back to school visit. I had lunch with most of my students (3 opted out and 2 were absent) and I passed out Easter eggs with tiny candies in them. As I was walking towards the building some of my kiddos were outside playing because they had been extra good and they caught me sneaking in. A bunch of the girls came running over to hug me and shouted my name. That was a good feeling, nay a great feeling.

I haven't been back to visit since right before Christmas so I was worried that they may have lost their enthusiasm for me. Not so, dear readers. When I walked into the class the excitement was palpable and I heard my name, felt more hugs, and saw kiddos waving to me. It was truly a nice way to work myself back into the classroom for 1 May.

The kiddos were already excited because it was the day before Spring Break. Then we had lunch which is a GIANT treat that I never bestow upon my students. I love them most of the time but let me eat lunch with other grownups please! I need a break from small people in the middle of the day.

I worked the rest of the afternoon in the class and stopped by the library to request some books for my room as the kiddos are getting ready to start a project on countries in South America. I gathered papers to send out for copies of things I would need for Mexico and Central America. I finished quite a bit for a gal whose not even back to work yet.

I'm also in the process of getting release notes from my three medical providers so that I can go back to school officially. Right now I am so excited about it but I must also admit I have nightmares where I go back and the kiddos are out of control and I'm screaming at them and they don't listen. That never happens in real life but I have the dreams anyway.

That's it for now. Happy Passover or upcoming Easter, if you celebrate.
Hugs, Weebs

Off to see my bio-dad

Some of you who read this may be familiar with my family structure. Others are not. So in fairness to everyone I'll bore you all as I go through my family tree as quickly as I can.

I have one mother. Duh!

She got pregnant with me when she was a senior in high school. Before she gave birth to me she married my biological-dad aka bio-dad. They stayed married for a short time. He went to Germany instead of Vietnam in the service. She decided the romance was over with a dear John letter. They split up and got an annulment, per my mother's wishes.

My mother met another man who just happened to rent a trailer on my bio-dad's dad's land. (That would make the landowner my paternal bio-grandfather.) They got together somehow some way murkily in the time line.

My mother remarried (or married for the first real time according to the annulment) the man she met who rented a trailer from my bio-dad's dad's land. My bio-dad signed papers that gave up all rights to me per my mother's wishes. He thought it over for a long time before he signed them but he believed he was doing the right thing.

So I have two dads: my bio-dad and my adoptive dad whose last name I took when my mother married.

My bio-dad and I are going to meet again tomorrow after a brief meeting eight years ago. Before that meeting eight years ago I hadn't seen him since I was a toddler. Needless to say, my mother never told me about my bio-dad until I was in 6th grade. I knew about him long before she told me because I had ears and eyes and I heard things and read things. I also could add and remembered being in my parents' wedding in 1975.

So I grew up with one family where I have a younger half-brother and half-sister biologically. I don't look much like them as they are tall and thin. Curses for me in the genetic gene pool lottery.

I also have another "family" through my bio-dad. He remarried and I have another half-sister and two half-brothers biologically. I spent most of my life feeling as if no one wanted me because my father signed me away and had nothing to do with me. I also had a feeling of abandonment or not being good enough even in my own family as I was growing up. When my mother was angry or displeased with me, which was often, she wouldn't always treat me very nicely. Let's just say I grew up with low self esteem, extreme shyness, and weight issues. (Funny, I still have two out of three of those issues still today.)

My mother doesn't talk about my bio-dad EVER. There are no pictures of me in the house as a baby, no baby book even though I was the first and most people are rigorous about writing and detailing what the first-born did. I'm not allowed to ask about my dad because I have been told that "it's not my business." There is some bad blood there between my mother and my bio-dad. There's not any from him to her because it's been so long in time. I guess my mother is really good at holding a grudge or trying to punish other people.

Most people who do know me don't know this story. It's one that is supposed to stay hidden but I am tired of trying to play the good girl even though it's an impossible role. I'm putting it out here so it's not hidden anymore. I'm doing what I said when I started this blog; I'm exposing the messy stuff to the light so that it loses its power over me.

Tomorrow I am going to see my bio-dad and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

Something different: depression

Picture, if you will,
an image of a gypsy woman
dancing wildly
cloths flying through air
jewels clanging against another.

"Will you join me?"
I ask.
You reply,
"This dance is no good for us."

I continue on
because another dance -
a new dance
brings forth
more intimacy,
more fear
less contentment of knowing
what I know
and
always doing what I do.

Was it Sisyphus who pushed the rock?

What am I going to choose now?

**** (Original poetry)

That's a poem I fashioned after my therapy appointment on Thursday. I have a great therapist who I have worked with since 2000 after yet another bad depression spell. Depression has been a major part of my life going back as far as fifth grade.

The metaphor of the dance has to do with me allowing new opportunities in my life and the ability to change things up. I'm not good with that. I only want to dance the one dance I know how. If I change this, then I have to get comfortable with a partner who must hold me, lead me, guide me. I'm not used to that.

I am incredibly lonely. It's worse now because I am out of work. I see no other people some days out of the week if I don't leave my apartment. Thank goodness I have a wonder feline to at least offer up some companionship.

To change this I need to change the dance. I say I want to but do I really? I'm frightened of people getting close to me, growing intimate not in a sexual way, because I am so used to being hurt, being left behind, feeling unloved.

This comes from my own background of growing up feeling abandoned by my bio-dad because he gave me up, feeling abandoned by my own mother, feeling less than because of my adoptive father. Feeling alone and tortured starting in childhood and continuing as I grew older.

My depression started in fifth grade with a vengeance. I used to cut at my wrists and find ways to hurt myself. I didn't know why I was doing it; I just knew I had to do it. I remember sitting in the back seat of the car as my family drove around sobbing silently and wiping tears away with my coat sleeves. I felt such a deep sadness all the time and it only grew worse over the years.

Depression is like a bad friend you can't get rid of, no matter what you try. There is nothing like being in the throes of deep depression. I get so deeply enmeshed in the sadness, the pain, the hurt and the personal demons that there seems to be no way out. I was there not so long ago.

Thankfully, I am not there today. I know enough now and some of my friends know enough to mention when I am floundering in the deep sea of depression. I go to my therapists and doctors and tell them how my mind is no longer thinking clearly. I beg them to help me because I know toughing it out is not an option for me. Regardless of what Tom Cruise thinks, depression sometimes must be treated with medication, or a variety of medications which is what I deal with, or hospitalization which I have dealt with in the past. It's not pretty and it is what it is.

Depression is partially the reason I wasn't able to leave my abusive marriage. It was also a part of why I couldn't say no to marriage even when I could see there were issues. Depression has affected my work, my play, my relationships, my friends, everything in my life.

So what about the dance? It's scary to commit to something new but I am open to trying. I'm not saying I'm fully embracing it but I am slowly forcing myself to consider something different, a new dance, a new life for me.

As much as I am lonely, I am not totally alone. I have friends who listen and encourage me. I have therapists who encourage me. I'm slowly breaking through the cocoon and emerging. I'm not ready to fly yet but I am fluttering my wings slowly and getting used to a life with winds on which I can soar.

I feel like Julie Andrews in a detergent commercial

Today was a lovely day, nay, make that a spectacular day my dear readers. The air was fresh and the sky was blue and sparkly. The temperature was such that I wore shorts and was not cold. I drove the car with the sunroof open.

Ah, can you smell it? The scent of early spring time and fresh detergent mixed together...

Breathe it in folks, because this won't last for long.

This is the type of day where I skipped my nap because the day was luscious and palpable and not craptastic in any way. I wanted to go outside my apartment building and start twirling around like Julie Andrews in that famous movie about a failed nun. I restrained myself because the day was so wonderful that I didn't want to end up on a 48-hour hold in the local mental hospital.

I cleaned the cat litter box with some orange smelling cleaner in the tub. I smiled while soaking cat urine off a stinky little box, people. That's what kind of day it was.

A St. Patrick's Day where the strongest thing I might have to drink is a Shamrock Shake.

A day where I missed the students I actually teach! Methinks the orange cleaner may have been inhaled too fervently at one point.

But today was that day. The day that makes you smile and your eyes shine and your teeth sparkle and none of it had anything to do with alcohol.

Today was a good day.

**Disclaimer**
Blog writer does take many medications which could affect her giddiness. She also wants to post that it may snow later this week. Use that knowledge as you may.

A box of sunshine

I feel a lot like someone on Oprah's Favorite Things show where you get one of everything she loves and is spotlighting that particular year. If you've never seen Oprah, then it's not worth the words it would take to explain it.

Regardless of Oprah, yesterday I was the recipient of a Sunshine Box from people I work with at school. A Sunshine Box is aptly named because it is meant to provide a bit of sunshine for the recipient who is going through some trying times, usually due to illness.

If you're an avid or semi-avid reader, you may recall that I am now on a sick leave trying to get it together between my depression and my pesky MS symptoms of fatigue and cognitive issues. I have been on this sick bank leave officially for a week and some change and have time off through the end of January. At that time the leave may be extended or I may be back at work come the first working day in February 2009.

Now back to the box...

It was filled with so much stuff, good stuff, great stuff that I was overwhelmed. I cannot begin to tell you how many people I worked with put something in there and wrote me lovely little messages. It makes me think of Sally Field (not for the dang Boniva once monthly pill but for the "You like me, you really like me" bit) because I didn't know people liked me that much!

There was chocolate, money, puzzles, books, a cool 20 questions electronic gizmo that I've "wanted" for a while , bath stuff, a candle, a CD, lotion, magazines, more chocolate, snacks, and a gift card for gas and one for a nice Italian restaurant. There's more stuff too but this is what I can remember right now.

This is a nice bit of sunshine for me. It's interesting that this post follow yesterday's post about sadness and depression and following the cycle of the wave. Right now, I'm riding on top of the wave and it feels good. It's nice to feel special, so if any of you out there reading had anything to do with this box, please know how much I deeply appreciate it.

Thank you. Two words that mean so much but it's all I've got for now.

Baby steps

I had the hardest time falling asleep last evening, even with all my meds and an extra Klonopin thrown in for good measure. I was tired but my brain wouldn't, couldn't, or didn't want to shut itself down no matter what I wanted.

Part of it might have been the horrible steam/boiler/hot water heater repeat incident from last night. I mentioned calling the fire department a few Sundays ago and it was for the same thing. This time the people upstairs were home and they came running down the stairs to see that I was absolutely not setting off fireworks and surface-to-air missiles. The steam was pouring out and up the stairs, it smelled horrid, and it sounded like 78 MRI machines all banging and clanging and hissing at the same time.

This time when I called the "super" (and I am using this term loosely) he actually called me back even though he was already well on his way to being trashed at 8:30 p.m. He slurred through his message and sent someone over to look at it. This same person has been here looking at the dang thing for weeks now and it still acts up. I'm afraid the place is just going to blow up one of these days.

Eventually I did get to sleep, even after forcing myself to finish reading a book I didn't want to finish but sleep beggars cannot be choosers when one is trying to force themselves to pass out.

Today I woke up too early thanks to my wonder feline who can and does sleep anywhere. He wanted to be fed. Now. Not in an half hour. Now. Now! Now! Now!

I got up because it was easier than suffocating myself with a pillow and I had dropped the water sprayer I use on wonder feline to buy a few more minutes of sleep behind the bed. I couldn't reach it because I have a sleigh type bed with all those little tiny slats that my fat arm can't fit through.

After feeding wonder feline, I showered and went off to the hospital. I was there at 8:15 for bloodwork after throwing in a load of laundry back at the apartment. I came back, clipped coupons from several weeks back, packed a box to mail to my college pal in ME, filled out a Hoops and Yoyo card for BJM (whose birthday I had forgotten much earlier this month), called her, and then off to the car I traversed again.

I finished more errands (groceries, PO, library drop box, bank) and came home to nap. This time I could sleep, thank goodness. Upon waking I cut up veggies and stuff to make a homemade lasagna. It has recently finished cooking and looks and smells divine. My goal for the rest of the weekend is no purging and occasionally attempting to smile.

I may even consider going to see a movie tomorrow. Considering doesn't mean going but it's just one of a series of baby steps I'm practicing.

It's much nicer to feel this way rather than ruminating on the cold steel taste of a revolver in the mouth or a long perpendicular cut down your arm. For what it's worth, I'll take feeling a little better.

Tuesday, don't let me jinx myself

Good news abounds:

1.) Tysabri infusion number one is scheduled for Monday afternoon. Yes, this upcoming Monday!

(Not sure of the costs yet but I suspect someone will tell me.)

2.) I also spoke with the retirement people about my potential early retirement and there is some time when I worked for the state and I can use my subbing time (and possibly work I did in college for credit hours, but probably not) to put towards my ten year retirement goal.

I have to fill out paperwork and it will cost me money but even if it's six months or so it would be worth paying for it.

3.) Today did not suck total butt at work. I taught all day and mostly didn't do too many asinine things. I am getting observed on Thursday (surprise!) and I already told my boss there will be no bells and whistles.

I do have to type up my lesson plan the old-fashioned way so that will be the hardest part of it all.

4.) Pysch R.N. appointment is tomorrow.

Time to go move laundry to the dryer and find something that passes as a meal. I do appreciate all of your comments and words of encouragement. It does help. Look, I'm already not half as b!thcy as I was yesterday. That is thanks to all of you!!