My Dad died two months ago today. I did go to church with my Mom tonight and I thought about him a lot. I miss him quite a bit, especially now that there is this canyon between my mom and me. He was the fabric softener in the life of our family. He kept us from sticking together and rubbing each other the wrong way.
I am trying to start to care for my diabetes better again. I actually took my blood sugar this morning. It was high at 170. I suspect it will be high again tonight after eating a Rueben and french fries with gravy. It's the first time I've checked my sugar in about three weeks.
I went to church with my mom only after she called last week asking me if I would start to go up with her again. She wanted me to start up again and then go out to dinner with her afterwards. I told her I would let her know today and I didn't make my official decision until almost 1:30 this afternoon. I think part of why I am going is for me and not just because she wants me to go. I feel better after sitting in church, saying prayers, and being in the presence of the Lord.
This week I also saw my therapist and he said some things that were proverbially hitting the nail on the head. That man is underpaid but he is worth his skinny little weight in gold. He's tall and rather thin and then there's me all short and wide, akin to Jack Sprat and his wife from the nursery rhyme.
I also did some Just Dancing this week to get myself ready for a dancing showdown in early February. I plan to do some solid a$$ kicking in that regard. I have some friends who plan to get together so we can dance with the Wii and I've been told to bring it, not sing it, so I am dancing my pants off to show them what I can do.
You just keep walking, one foot in front of the other. I wondered how I would get to today but that's how you do it. You just keep walking and breathing.
I hope you're proud of me, Daddy.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
MS in the New Year
I have been having issues on and off, all week long with my back. I blame that completely on my MS. Today things are off with my back and my legs. There's a tightness in my back and some weakness in my legs.
Just in time to go back to work!
Oh, that MS is a tricky master...
My mom also called tonight and asked me to go back to mass with her on Saturdays. I guess that is more thawing of the iceberg, something I didn't really expect now. Maybe she feels bad or guilty about what was said a few weeks ago. I'm not sure. I'm just glad I see my therapist this week so I can talk this all out.
Until then I will be dealing with the MS symptoms and hoping this is just an anomaly.
Just in time to go back to work!
Oh, that MS is a tricky master...
My mom also called tonight and asked me to go back to mass with her on Saturdays. I guess that is more thawing of the iceberg, something I didn't really expect now. Maybe she feels bad or guilty about what was said a few weeks ago. I'm not sure. I'm just glad I see my therapist this week so I can talk this all out.
Until then I will be dealing with the MS symptoms and hoping this is just an anomaly.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Mixed up
Some anxiety, check!
Some guilt, check!
Some anger, check!
Some depression, check!
Some nervousness, check!
Thank goodness for pre-planning lessons, deep breaths, blogs, Xanax and plenty of sleep. Good things come to those who wait and I am a-waiting. I'm not much in the Christmas spirit right now due to everything going on with my family.
I still can't get over the fact that staying over on Christmas Eve for midnight mass is such a big problem. There is a whole other room with a bed in it. How much could I possibly put people out?
My heart is heavy and saddened by so many things. I miss my Dad. He was the voice of compromise and reason. Now I no longer have an ally in the house I grew up in.
Some guilt, check!
Some anger, check!
Some depression, check!
Some nervousness, check!
Thank goodness for pre-planning lessons, deep breaths, blogs, Xanax and plenty of sleep. Good things come to those who wait and I am a-waiting. I'm not much in the Christmas spirit right now due to everything going on with my family.
I still can't get over the fact that staying over on Christmas Eve for midnight mass is such a big problem. There is a whole other room with a bed in it. How much could I possibly put people out?
My heart is heavy and saddened by so many things. I miss my Dad. He was the voice of compromise and reason. Now I no longer have an ally in the house I grew up in.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Less than the best
I am publicly, albeit somewhat anonymously, admitting that I am not perfect. I know that and do not claim to be "all that and a bag of chips".
However, I did not know that it could be pointed out to me once more, yet AGAIN, that I am less than the best. By my mother. Whom I love but I deeply wonder about.
I thought that parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally.
I mean, I know there is the messy adolescent stuff (which is when I suffered from deep depression and hallucinations) but I am generally considered by many to be a decent person, a citizen of good standing, gainfully employed, and for the most part trying to do good in my area of the universe.
The recent falling out with my mother has hurt my heart deeply. I know she is in mourning, grieving the loss of her husband of 35 years.
As mentioned before, my siblings and I tried to do something wonderfully special for my mother. Which she did not want. Instead of just explaining that the gift which we had purchased was too meaningful, too much of a remembrance of my dad, too painful, she and I had a nasty phone conversation. There was a lot of yelling and she eventually just hung up on me.
Three days later she called me back, not to apologize because she saw nothing wrong with her behavior, but because she wanted to now explain why she didn't want the gift. Of course, I pointed out that she could have tried explaining that to me days ago but I was told I was *wrong*. That her personal feelings and thoughts are NOT my business and she will NOT share those things with me.
So instead of just explaining herself with a few sentences that I would have totally understood, she choose to get into "verbal fisticuffs" with me. Because she won't share that she is sad. Because she does not have to explain anything. Because once again I can be her verbal punching bag.
Then to make me feel even less of myself, she told me that I am too much for her. That I ask too much of her. That calling to check on her is overwhelming. That spending time going to church and dinner once a week for two hours can be too much together time.
She tells me this, explaining that it is not to make me feel bad...
Is it to make me feel better, I wonder?
Those of you that know me or have read my story know that my parents and I have had a rough go of it. I am the biggest elephant in the room. The daughter no one wanted but had anyway. The ugly one, the fat one, the one who doesn't look like anyone else but my "other" father who I am not allowed to talk about.
I am tired of being the one who puts forth the effort in this relationship. But this is the dance we dance. She sets me up, I take the bait, she reels me in, punishes me, I feel bad and fall apart. Again and again.
I cannot do this anymore.
My own mother wasn't sure how she felt about me spending the night for Christmas Eve so that my sister, my mother and I could all go to midnight mass. She couldn't commit to me sleeping in the extra room. It might be a day where she can't take me so I made the decision for her.
I won't come.
I cannot continue to try and be where I am not wanted.
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.
I may be less than the best but I am a damn fine human being and it's too bad that someone who should be able to see that can't be bothered to do so.
However, I did not know that it could be pointed out to me once more, yet AGAIN, that I am less than the best. By my mother. Whom I love but I deeply wonder about.
I thought that parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally.
I mean, I know there is the messy adolescent stuff (which is when I suffered from deep depression and hallucinations) but I am generally considered by many to be a decent person, a citizen of good standing, gainfully employed, and for the most part trying to do good in my area of the universe.
The recent falling out with my mother has hurt my heart deeply. I know she is in mourning, grieving the loss of her husband of 35 years.
As mentioned before, my siblings and I tried to do something wonderfully special for my mother. Which she did not want. Instead of just explaining that the gift which we had purchased was too meaningful, too much of a remembrance of my dad, too painful, she and I had a nasty phone conversation. There was a lot of yelling and she eventually just hung up on me.
Three days later she called me back, not to apologize because she saw nothing wrong with her behavior, but because she wanted to now explain why she didn't want the gift. Of course, I pointed out that she could have tried explaining that to me days ago but I was told I was *wrong*. That her personal feelings and thoughts are NOT my business and she will NOT share those things with me.
So instead of just explaining herself with a few sentences that I would have totally understood, she choose to get into "verbal fisticuffs" with me. Because she won't share that she is sad. Because she does not have to explain anything. Because once again I can be her verbal punching bag.
Then to make me feel even less of myself, she told me that I am too much for her. That I ask too much of her. That calling to check on her is overwhelming. That spending time going to church and dinner once a week for two hours can be too much together time.
She tells me this, explaining that it is not to make me feel bad...
Is it to make me feel better, I wonder?
Those of you that know me or have read my story know that my parents and I have had a rough go of it. I am the biggest elephant in the room. The daughter no one wanted but had anyway. The ugly one, the fat one, the one who doesn't look like anyone else but my "other" father who I am not allowed to talk about.
I am tired of being the one who puts forth the effort in this relationship. But this is the dance we dance. She sets me up, I take the bait, she reels me in, punishes me, I feel bad and fall apart. Again and again.
I cannot do this anymore.
My own mother wasn't sure how she felt about me spending the night for Christmas Eve so that my sister, my mother and I could all go to midnight mass. She couldn't commit to me sleeping in the extra room. It might be a day where she can't take me so I made the decision for her.
I won't come.
I cannot continue to try and be where I am not wanted.
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.
I may be less than the best but I am a damn fine human being and it's too bad that someone who should be able to see that can't be bothered to do so.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sneaking
I recently started corresponding with a new friend about food issues via email. In the course of our conversation it brought up this memory about sneaking food.
I remember a time from my childhood where I snuck some food because I felt I needed it. It was as if there were some magnetic draw between myself and the food. I had to have it.
I was probably a tween and it was definitely summer. I remember wearing shorts, remember sitting at the kitchen table, remember it being the weekend. My mother was making lasagna and had taken a brick of mozzarella and shredded it by hand with a grater.
She left the room and the fresh pile of cheese behind. I got up to eat a little bit, stuffing it into my mouth quickly. Then I went back for more.
My father came charging into the kitchen questioning me about the cheese. Had I taken some? Where was it?
I had heard him coming and hidden the cheese under my leg, my right leg, as I sat at the table. He made me open my mouth. No cheese. He looked around and then discovered the hidden food. I remember a lot of yelling and my mother coming back into the room, looking at me, while I sat shamefacedly.
I think I had been in the room to be close to my mother who worked a lot. I remember the feeling of shame, the embarassment, the guilt. I had stolen from her, from them, and in doing so removed myself even further from her.
Why did I have to sneak that cheese? Why was I compelled to eat? Why couldn't I just sit there like a good girl, a normal girl? Why did I have to let my mother down again?
I remember a time from my childhood where I snuck some food because I felt I needed it. It was as if there were some magnetic draw between myself and the food. I had to have it.
I was probably a tween and it was definitely summer. I remember wearing shorts, remember sitting at the kitchen table, remember it being the weekend. My mother was making lasagna and had taken a brick of mozzarella and shredded it by hand with a grater.
She left the room and the fresh pile of cheese behind. I got up to eat a little bit, stuffing it into my mouth quickly. Then I went back for more.
My father came charging into the kitchen questioning me about the cheese. Had I taken some? Where was it?
I had heard him coming and hidden the cheese under my leg, my right leg, as I sat at the table. He made me open my mouth. No cheese. He looked around and then discovered the hidden food. I remember a lot of yelling and my mother coming back into the room, looking at me, while I sat shamefacedly.
I think I had been in the room to be close to my mother who worked a lot. I remember the feeling of shame, the embarassment, the guilt. I had stolen from her, from them, and in doing so removed myself even further from her.
Why did I have to sneak that cheese? Why was I compelled to eat? Why couldn't I just sit there like a good girl, a normal girl? Why did I have to let my mother down again?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Secrets
We all have them and they hold power over us. Some are so insignificant that if we spoke them aloud to others they would laugh at us and say, "Is that all?" Others are large, just bubbling below the surface while we keep pushing them down out of view. They are words, thoughts, memories of events that happened years ago or maybe even yesterday. Secrets all have the same thing in common, we need to keep them locked up so others don't see our imperfections and realize how damaged we are.
That's the kind of thinking that comes from believing the Inner Voice. The hard part is not in keeping the secret, it comes from moving past the secret and allowing it to be seen or heard. Power comes from moving through your secrets out into the sunshine, moving past the messy stuff of your life.
Many people have food secrets, weight secrets, life secrets. We're ashamed and saddened and angry at ourselves for our variety of secrets. We push them down with overeating so we stop feeling. We're afraid to "feel" because those feelings might overtake us, wash over us and engulf us in their throes.
What if our secrets get out and people learn what we have done? What if they know we are flawed and sometimes we make poor choices? What if?
The truth is that we are all flawed, every one of us, every single one of us no matter how much good we try to do in this world. The other truth is that we all have secrets.
My blog is a secret from my parents for a variety of reasons. I would probably be disowned for some of the things I have written about from my past. They are not untrue things but rather unflattering and in my family appearances are very important. Ironically, I have a weight issue stemming from years before when I grew up in the midst of a huge secret that I already knew.
I knew that my biological father was not the father of my mother's marriage. I knew that from a young age. I felt I had done something wrong by merely being alive. What an awful feeling to live with for your whole life. To this day I still am unable to deal with these issues and I don't by pushing my biological father away. His overwhelming desire to know me is like a tsunami causing me to run in the opposite direction. This is another piece of messy stuff that I need to work on.
I have talked about many of my secrets here: my weight, my health, my eating disorder, my depression. However, I do not solely focus on the negative pieces of my existence. That would serve no purpose. I try to balance the good, the bad, and the ugly bits. I try to grow from my experiences. I want to share with others that they can deal with frustrating times and come out the other side.
If I can do it, anyone can. All you have to do is take that first step. I'll be here with outstretched arms waiting for you.
That's the kind of thinking that comes from believing the Inner Voice. The hard part is not in keeping the secret, it comes from moving past the secret and allowing it to be seen or heard. Power comes from moving through your secrets out into the sunshine, moving past the messy stuff of your life.
Many people have food secrets, weight secrets, life secrets. We're ashamed and saddened and angry at ourselves for our variety of secrets. We push them down with overeating so we stop feeling. We're afraid to "feel" because those feelings might overtake us, wash over us and engulf us in their throes.
What if our secrets get out and people learn what we have done? What if they know we are flawed and sometimes we make poor choices? What if?
The truth is that we are all flawed, every one of us, every single one of us no matter how much good we try to do in this world. The other truth is that we all have secrets.
My blog is a secret from my parents for a variety of reasons. I would probably be disowned for some of the things I have written about from my past. They are not untrue things but rather unflattering and in my family appearances are very important. Ironically, I have a weight issue stemming from years before when I grew up in the midst of a huge secret that I already knew.
I knew that my biological father was not the father of my mother's marriage. I knew that from a young age. I felt I had done something wrong by merely being alive. What an awful feeling to live with for your whole life. To this day I still am unable to deal with these issues and I don't by pushing my biological father away. His overwhelming desire to know me is like a tsunami causing me to run in the opposite direction. This is another piece of messy stuff that I need to work on.
I have talked about many of my secrets here: my weight, my health, my eating disorder, my depression. However, I do not solely focus on the negative pieces of my existence. That would serve no purpose. I try to balance the good, the bad, and the ugly bits. I try to grow from my experiences. I want to share with others that they can deal with frustrating times and come out the other side.
If I can do it, anyone can. All you have to do is take that first step. I'll be here with outstretched arms waiting for you.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
What's up?
I know I have been gone for a long time, over a month, and you probably gave up on me. Here I am though. SURPRISE!
Things have been going so well for me that I just haven't had anything to whine or kvetch about so I have been staying away. For me, no news on here has been good news.
MS-wise I have been doing fantastic, no relapses, no new symptoms. I'm going to have new MRIs scheduled sometime in the near future to see what Tysabri has been doing to my lesions, if anything. All I know is that a year ago I was out of work due to my MS and depression and now I am moving along swimmingly. Work hasn't been a total dream but this is my best year in a long time. Thud, thud! (That was the sound of me knocking on wood, or rather particle board.)
I am done with therapy after nine plus years and I feel so free not having to go in for my tune-ups once a month. I miss my therapist only in the way that we became more like friends by the time my therapy was done. I am still taking my depression meds, along with the rest of them, and I am doing well with that.
Work is good, emotions are stable, and my MS is not really in the forefront of my mind. I have started to do some positive work for myself on the health front. I bought the Just Dance Wii game after Christmas and started dancing several nights a week with it. Then a friend suggested Wii's Gold's Gym Cardio Boxing and I added that in to me exercise repotoire. I have now gone down two pants' sizes just by dancing and boxing and having fun.
Go me!
I haven't changed my eating habits but the exercise, and it is exercise, has been such a wonderful accoutrement to my quiet life. The boxing gets out any frustrations and I have fun throwing those hooks. I jump rope and run and box and then throw in the dancing. I get sweaty and the endorphin high is great, after years of not doing much more than the Walk Away the Pounds DVDs which are just plain boring after a while. I love moving my body around and seeing changes.
Things with my family are going well. My sister is now in Afghanistan and my brother is staying in Germany. My parents are holding their own health-wise. Edison kitty has been declawed and fixed and has all his shots. He seems to adore me and likes to sit or lay across me whenever possible.
Things are going well for me. I hope the same for you in your world. :)
Things have been going so well for me that I just haven't had anything to whine or kvetch about so I have been staying away. For me, no news on here has been good news.
MS-wise I have been doing fantastic, no relapses, no new symptoms. I'm going to have new MRIs scheduled sometime in the near future to see what Tysabri has been doing to my lesions, if anything. All I know is that a year ago I was out of work due to my MS and depression and now I am moving along swimmingly. Work hasn't been a total dream but this is my best year in a long time. Thud, thud! (That was the sound of me knocking on wood, or rather particle board.)
I am done with therapy after nine plus years and I feel so free not having to go in for my tune-ups once a month. I miss my therapist only in the way that we became more like friends by the time my therapy was done. I am still taking my depression meds, along with the rest of them, and I am doing well with that.
Work is good, emotions are stable, and my MS is not really in the forefront of my mind. I have started to do some positive work for myself on the health front. I bought the Just Dance Wii game after Christmas and started dancing several nights a week with it. Then a friend suggested Wii's Gold's Gym Cardio Boxing and I added that in to me exercise repotoire. I have now gone down two pants' sizes just by dancing and boxing and having fun.
Go me!
I haven't changed my eating habits but the exercise, and it is exercise, has been such a wonderful accoutrement to my quiet life. The boxing gets out any frustrations and I have fun throwing those hooks. I jump rope and run and box and then throw in the dancing. I get sweaty and the endorphin high is great, after years of not doing much more than the Walk Away the Pounds DVDs which are just plain boring after a while. I love moving my body around and seeing changes.
Things with my family are going well. My sister is now in Afghanistan and my brother is staying in Germany. My parents are holding their own health-wise. Edison kitty has been declawed and fixed and has all his shots. He seems to adore me and likes to sit or lay across me whenever possible.
Things are going well for me. I hope the same for you in your world. :)
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year thoughts
I had dinner today with my parents sans siblings who are away from home. The turkey dinner was good, made even more so by the fact that all I have to do is show up and eat it. It was after the chowing down that we sat around and reminisced about family members not with us, my siblings, the economy, and life growing up.
From the outside looking in, I had what probably looked like a darned good childhood and adolescence. That was primarily a shaky house of cards but I made it through. I think now that my parents were stressed about many things as I grew up. I am not letting them off the hook but I think they mostly did what they thought was right. They are not people who believe in mental illness and therapy for anyone, least of all their own child and there I was severely depressed and bulimic for many years. I was afloat in a sinking ship in the midst of a typhoon. I needed help and understanding and they just could not provide that. So I ate and purged and ran and cried and wrote about my suicidal thoughts.
I came through the storm to the calm on the other side. I'm here and I'm finally ending therapy for the first time in ten years because I am doing well. I have survived and thrived and now I can write about the positive parts of my life. I'm in a much better place than I was even a year ago.
I see my parents as the flawed but loving people they are now. I see them getting older and wonder how long I will have them in my life. I can hug them now when I leave their house and truly wish them positive thoughts. I see the three of us as adults and not just me as the hurt child I was for so long. Shedding that role is like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon after resting in the chrysalis for so long.
I have beautiful wings that are begging me to try them out. Watch me floating through this fabulous world, viewing everything with new eyes.
Happy 2010 to you all.
From the outside looking in, I had what probably looked like a darned good childhood and adolescence. That was primarily a shaky house of cards but I made it through. I think now that my parents were stressed about many things as I grew up. I am not letting them off the hook but I think they mostly did what they thought was right. They are not people who believe in mental illness and therapy for anyone, least of all their own child and there I was severely depressed and bulimic for many years. I was afloat in a sinking ship in the midst of a typhoon. I needed help and understanding and they just could not provide that. So I ate and purged and ran and cried and wrote about my suicidal thoughts.
I came through the storm to the calm on the other side. I'm here and I'm finally ending therapy for the first time in ten years because I am doing well. I have survived and thrived and now I can write about the positive parts of my life. I'm in a much better place than I was even a year ago.
I see my parents as the flawed but loving people they are now. I see them getting older and wonder how long I will have them in my life. I can hug them now when I leave their house and truly wish them positive thoughts. I see the three of us as adults and not just me as the hurt child I was for so long. Shedding that role is like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon after resting in the chrysalis for so long.
I have beautiful wings that are begging me to try them out. Watch me floating through this fabulous world, viewing everything with new eyes.
Happy 2010 to you all.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
And so it goes...
I am doing rather well with dealing with the loss of Franklin. Not that I didn't love him because I did but because I knew it was his time to go. He was just sick for so long and not eating and I knew he was suffering. On the night he was to be put down, the vet's office called to say they were on their way. As I was hanging up the phone Franklin started to make this guttural scream type of a noise and started to vomit on the floor. He never moved from that spot on the floor again. It was just too much for my poor sick baby.
It took three shots for Franklin to finally make it to kitty heaven. The little bugger just wouldn't stop breathing. He was a fighter to the end. I just kept petting him and telling him I loved him and that it was okay to go on. I cried and cried, knowing that soon they would take him away and I would never pet him again.
But there's news...
I *am* going to be a cat mom again! I had filled out the paperwork on Franklin's last evening and I told him all about it. He purred away so I figured he was okay with it. I have also been "talking" to him and asking him to guide me to a new kitty.
Last night I got the approval so I will have another cat by the end of the week! It looks like it will be a female, an orange tabby already named Patty. Her new name will be Edison. I am adopting from the local SPCA. My parents have even offered to pay the adoption fee!
This in no way diminishes my love for Franklin angel. It just shows him that my heart is still open to love. I adopted F from the local SPCA and my cat before him. I have always chosen cats that aren't kittens, ones a little older with their personality developed and a need for a forever home.
It's nice to post such pleasant news.
I will be going to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. It will be just the three of us and a 20 pound turkey. I like those numbers as I love turkey! Yummo!! My brother will be in Scotland and my sister just chose not to come home. I hope she comes home at Christmas as she deploys to Afghanistan in mid-January.
Wishing all of you a blessed Thanksgiving with family, friends, and fur babies.
It took three shots for Franklin to finally make it to kitty heaven. The little bugger just wouldn't stop breathing. He was a fighter to the end. I just kept petting him and telling him I loved him and that it was okay to go on. I cried and cried, knowing that soon they would take him away and I would never pet him again.
But there's news...
I *am* going to be a cat mom again! I had filled out the paperwork on Franklin's last evening and I told him all about it. He purred away so I figured he was okay with it. I have also been "talking" to him and asking him to guide me to a new kitty.
Last night I got the approval so I will have another cat by the end of the week! It looks like it will be a female, an orange tabby already named Patty. Her new name will be Edison. I am adopting from the local SPCA. My parents have even offered to pay the adoption fee!
This in no way diminishes my love for Franklin angel. It just shows him that my heart is still open to love. I adopted F from the local SPCA and my cat before him. I have always chosen cats that aren't kittens, ones a little older with their personality developed and a need for a forever home.
It's nice to post such pleasant news.
I will be going to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. It will be just the three of us and a 20 pound turkey. I like those numbers as I love turkey! Yummo!! My brother will be in Scotland and my sister just chose not to come home. I hope she comes home at Christmas as she deploys to Afghanistan in mid-January.
Wishing all of you a blessed Thanksgiving with family, friends, and fur babies.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'm baaaaaaaaaack
I'm sorry to have left this space empty for so long. I've been enjoying not working. Don't hate me for typing that.
My dad is slowly improving from his surgery. I went over for the fifth of July for barbecued chicken and I brought my deviled eggs. We had a pleasant time together and I was there for about four hours. My parents have had the house re-sided, a new front door put on, and central air put in.
My parents looked older to me for the first time. They both are eating less and they both look a little frail in their own way. They're not old really; my mom is in her mid 50s and my dad is in his early 60s.
I have also hired a cleaning service that starts tomorrow. They are to make the bathroom sparkling clean in every way, will vacuum upstairs and down, do my windows, and will also scrub my kitchen floor. All for the bargain price of fifty dollars. I am so excited to see my tiny place look clean okay.
Remember the high school reunion I mentioned a few months back? It looks like I am actually going to go next week. I may be stepping out of my shell more and going out to see some of my old friends. Yep, I am still fat but why should that stop me from doing something that might actually bring me some joy?
My dad is slowly improving from his surgery. I went over for the fifth of July for barbecued chicken and I brought my deviled eggs. We had a pleasant time together and I was there for about four hours. My parents have had the house re-sided, a new front door put on, and central air put in.
My parents looked older to me for the first time. They both are eating less and they both look a little frail in their own way. They're not old really; my mom is in her mid 50s and my dad is in his early 60s.
I have also hired a cleaning service that starts tomorrow. They are to make the bathroom sparkling clean in every way, will vacuum upstairs and down, do my windows, and will also scrub my kitchen floor. All for the bargain price of fifty dollars. I am so excited to see my tiny place look clean okay.
Remember the high school reunion I mentioned a few months back? It looks like I am actually going to go next week. I may be stepping out of my shell more and going out to see some of my old friends. Yep, I am still fat but why should that stop me from doing something that might actually bring me some joy?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Vacation is here!
It's official. I am now on vacation as of Friday the 26th. No more homework, no more books, no more kiddos' dirty looks! Yeah.
Dad has come home from the hospital today. There were some snafus on Thursday when he went in to have the surgery but in the end it seems to have worked itself all out. He needed another surgery to put in another wire to his heart defibrillator/pacemaker device. He has had problems breathing and this surgery is designed to help the heart pump more efficiently so the oxygen is better passed throughout the body. Or at least that's the way I understand it.
I am so proud that I made it to the end of the year with only one day taken off for a sick day and another 90 minutes off to make my Tysabri appointment this past week on Tuesday. I did it! It may sound silly but those two months were a fight every day to get up and go but I did it.
It was difficult going back to work after all that time off. The kiddos had developed some really terrible habits that I battled each day until last Thursday. The kiddos' last day was a half day on Wednesday and many of them gave me hugs on their way out the door so that was nice. Then Thursday was a day for paperwork and packing up my room as I have to move rooms this year. I got it all packed though.
Then I got crazy and went out for drinks with some coworkers on Thursday. I NEVER do things like that. I think my friends were as surprised as I was when I said I would go. I had three yummy daiquiris that were rather weak so I was okay to drive home after a few hours of enjoying the sun and then the breeze. While we were there it was so windy that we saw the umbrella from the middle of another table come flying out and across the porch area where we were sitting. Thankfully no one was hurt.
My air conditioner was put in place by BJM's hubby the other night. It's been pleasant to have that on some of these muggy evenings. I run the fan every night all year long, even in the winter; unless, of course, it's a night where I have the AC running.
My brother is still in Europe heading to Greece. My sister is flying over to join him in Greece and then they are supposed to see the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. She'll be with him for two weeks. I hope they take lots of pics so I can view them on Facebook.
My MS seems to be holding steady with nothing new cropping up. I have been sleeping a lot since school has ended but that's okay. I have no other plans. I do plan to take my chair outside in the shade and do some reading here soon. I also need to get some exercising in again.
That's all I have for now. Night!
Dad has come home from the hospital today. There were some snafus on Thursday when he went in to have the surgery but in the end it seems to have worked itself all out. He needed another surgery to put in another wire to his heart defibrillator/pacemaker device. He has had problems breathing and this surgery is designed to help the heart pump more efficiently so the oxygen is better passed throughout the body. Or at least that's the way I understand it.
I am so proud that I made it to the end of the year with only one day taken off for a sick day and another 90 minutes off to make my Tysabri appointment this past week on Tuesday. I did it! It may sound silly but those two months were a fight every day to get up and go but I did it.
It was difficult going back to work after all that time off. The kiddos had developed some really terrible habits that I battled each day until last Thursday. The kiddos' last day was a half day on Wednesday and many of them gave me hugs on their way out the door so that was nice. Then Thursday was a day for paperwork and packing up my room as I have to move rooms this year. I got it all packed though.
Then I got crazy and went out for drinks with some coworkers on Thursday. I NEVER do things like that. I think my friends were as surprised as I was when I said I would go. I had three yummy daiquiris that were rather weak so I was okay to drive home after a few hours of enjoying the sun and then the breeze. While we were there it was so windy that we saw the umbrella from the middle of another table come flying out and across the porch area where we were sitting. Thankfully no one was hurt.
My air conditioner was put in place by BJM's hubby the other night. It's been pleasant to have that on some of these muggy evenings. I run the fan every night all year long, even in the winter; unless, of course, it's a night where I have the AC running.
My brother is still in Europe heading to Greece. My sister is flying over to join him in Greece and then they are supposed to see the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. She'll be with him for two weeks. I hope they take lots of pics so I can view them on Facebook.
My MS seems to be holding steady with nothing new cropping up. I have been sleeping a lot since school has ended but that's okay. I have no other plans. I do plan to take my chair outside in the shade and do some reading here soon. I also need to get some exercising in again.
That's all I have for now. Night!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thank you, thank you, thank you and other tidbits
I do appreciate so many of you coming back time after time to read and sometimes comment. I know I have been a super slacker since I went back to work but there are some of you committed readers that keep coming back, no matter how little I post.
This is the final week of school for the 2008-2009 academic year. Yippee! A full day tomorrow and then two half-days with students. Thursday is a full day with no students. I suspect that will be the day I am sweating the most as I pack up the rest of my classroom to move next door. Yep, I am moving one room away which is a real pain in my azz but I understand completely the need for it. It's still a gigantic pain in my rear though.
I received a phone call today from a colleague who told me the phone tree was activated. Apparently something is going on in my building as everyone in the middle school is supposed to go to the high school for a 7:30 meeting. Why we have to meet at the high school for a meeting just for our building, I don't get. That makes no sense as students arrive at 7:45 off the buses at the middle school. As you might imagine there are a lot of rumors going around but it seems like nothing good can come from a meeting called over the weekend. Time will tell.
My sister was home for the weekend as her best friend was getting married and she was the maid of honor. I didn't see her but I did talk to her for a while on the phone and she supposedly returned the one awesome CD I burned last summer. Since then I can't get the CD burner thingie to work right so I have been waiting to get back my one accomplishment so I can listen to it in the car.
My brother checked in from Poland as he's traveling throughout Europe on a month long R & R after serving in Iraq and using his leave to come home to see my dad as he went through his heart surgeries this late January/early February. My brother is having a wonderful time and he deserves it completely.
My dad had another heart surgery right after I went back to work in May and he's having another one this Wednesday. If you're one of those who believe in prayer, feel free to add him to your list.
I have another Ty infusion on Tuesday afternoon. I think that may be why I have had four colds since I have been back to work. I didn't make the connection until someone pointed it out in a comment a while back; methinks it was Denver Refashionista who made the connection and comment.
I had another interesting phone call yesterday. In a roundabout way one of my students made a connection for me with someone in the town I live in. The little girl told this person her teacher had MS and unbeknownst to her she was telling someone else who had MS! This other woman called me up and we had a nice conversation about MS in the education world. She's "in the closet" so to speak about her condition because she doesn't have tenure and a secure position. I'm very "out of the closet" as I tell my students and my co-workers and bosses are all aware of my MS. I also have the luxury of tenure and a full-time position.
I know many people feel they do not have the security to tell their coworkers and/or bosses about their MS. I absolutely get that and understand it. To each their own. I just hope that I can continue to be a resource for this woman who reached out to me yesterday.
This is the final week of school for the 2008-2009 academic year. Yippee! A full day tomorrow and then two half-days with students. Thursday is a full day with no students. I suspect that will be the day I am sweating the most as I pack up the rest of my classroom to move next door. Yep, I am moving one room away which is a real pain in my azz but I understand completely the need for it. It's still a gigantic pain in my rear though.
I received a phone call today from a colleague who told me the phone tree was activated. Apparently something is going on in my building as everyone in the middle school is supposed to go to the high school for a 7:30 meeting. Why we have to meet at the high school for a meeting just for our building, I don't get. That makes no sense as students arrive at 7:45 off the buses at the middle school. As you might imagine there are a lot of rumors going around but it seems like nothing good can come from a meeting called over the weekend. Time will tell.
My sister was home for the weekend as her best friend was getting married and she was the maid of honor. I didn't see her but I did talk to her for a while on the phone and she supposedly returned the one awesome CD I burned last summer. Since then I can't get the CD burner thingie to work right so I have been waiting to get back my one accomplishment so I can listen to it in the car.
My brother checked in from Poland as he's traveling throughout Europe on a month long R & R after serving in Iraq and using his leave to come home to see my dad as he went through his heart surgeries this late January/early February. My brother is having a wonderful time and he deserves it completely.
My dad had another heart surgery right after I went back to work in May and he's having another one this Wednesday. If you're one of those who believe in prayer, feel free to add him to your list.
I have another Ty infusion on Tuesday afternoon. I think that may be why I have had four colds since I have been back to work. I didn't make the connection until someone pointed it out in a comment a while back; methinks it was Denver Refashionista who made the connection and comment.
I had another interesting phone call yesterday. In a roundabout way one of my students made a connection for me with someone in the town I live in. The little girl told this person her teacher had MS and unbeknownst to her she was telling someone else who had MS! This other woman called me up and we had a nice conversation about MS in the education world. She's "in the closet" so to speak about her condition because she doesn't have tenure and a secure position. I'm very "out of the closet" as I tell my students and my co-workers and bosses are all aware of my MS. I also have the luxury of tenure and a full-time position.
I know many people feel they do not have the security to tell their coworkers and/or bosses about their MS. I absolutely get that and understand it. To each their own. I just hope that I can continue to be a resource for this woman who reached out to me yesterday.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Waiting out the weight
Isn't it odd that the homonyms weight and wait are both things that can irritate us? Most women, even the gorgeous ones, have issues with their weight. And who likes to wait for things? Waiting for the doctor, or a late friend, or waiting for the green light on the day you left the house a few minutes later than normal... You get the idea.
I wonder why so many women in this country have weight issues? Is it really due to models and TV shows and the fact that "bad" food tastes good and is usually cheaper than the "good" food? By all rights I shouldn't be fat. I mean I was an excellent bulimic for years and kept my weight down between healthy and unhealthy. I purged my way to a slender body with great leg muscles from all the running I did. I could purge with the best of them and did in high school and college.
Yet here I am, very overweight, even the O word and I don't mean Oprah.
I have been seeing a nutritionist and that's not working for me. There are things holding me back from losing the extra lbs. I've talked about some of this before. Intimacy issues, family issues, and self esteem issues. Many of my friends seem to really like me so why don't I like me enough to get rid of the weight?
I'm talking this through with my super therapist who I have been seeing for almost nine years now. Yeah, I've had that much crap that I have needed to weed through. He's good though and I wouldn't trade him for the world. We have an excellent rapport and there isn't much, if anything, that I hold back from him.
But when will I like me? I eat to comfort and soothe myself because I don't like myself very much. Then I have this barrier/safety blanket around me so that if other people don't like me, it can bounce right off the fat and I don't have to think about it. I figure if I don't like me, then most other people won't either. If I look fat and unlikeable then I am unlikeable to others. It's a way of pushing people away, especially men.
Most of you have read about my wasband and the abuse I suffered at his hands. After him I went from man to man to man, countless men to numb the pain from one. I was heavier then but not like this. I used my body to connect with men and let them use me. The few relationships I had would last only 6 months and then I was back on the man-wagon. I was addicted to being in a relationship or dating, often seeing two men on the same night. I thought I was using them but in reality they were using me.
There's family issues, feelings of abandonment, feelings of failure, feelings of never being good enough. I grew up chubby and was quieted at my grandparent's house with food when I cried for my mother. (I lived with them and my mother when I was very young.) I remember my grandfather yelling at my grandmother to shut me up by feeding me. This must have been about three or four years old. A powerful message to learn so young.
There's lots of reasons I am holding on to the fat. Now I want to supplant food with other things, positive things, things that I can do that show I like myself. Some of the things I do is come here and write and get my story out. Another thing I do is call my friends and talk to them about things but the two of them are getting worn out by me, I think. Thanks BJM and LAP. I'm trying to live more in the now than in the what could or might happen to me. I am trying to acknowledge feelings more and deal with them.
I still like my goodies though. I know lots of you out there have dealt with weight issues or are dealing with them now. How do you move past the danger zone into the light? What do you do to soothe and comfort yourself? I'm looking for any suggestions that you have.
It's time to share, if you dare! Help me out with your stories and I'll keep writing as I process it all.
I wonder why so many women in this country have weight issues? Is it really due to models and TV shows and the fact that "bad" food tastes good and is usually cheaper than the "good" food? By all rights I shouldn't be fat. I mean I was an excellent bulimic for years and kept my weight down between healthy and unhealthy. I purged my way to a slender body with great leg muscles from all the running I did. I could purge with the best of them and did in high school and college.
Yet here I am, very overweight, even the O word and I don't mean Oprah.
I have been seeing a nutritionist and that's not working for me. There are things holding me back from losing the extra lbs. I've talked about some of this before. Intimacy issues, family issues, and self esteem issues. Many of my friends seem to really like me so why don't I like me enough to get rid of the weight?
I'm talking this through with my super therapist who I have been seeing for almost nine years now. Yeah, I've had that much crap that I have needed to weed through. He's good though and I wouldn't trade him for the world. We have an excellent rapport and there isn't much, if anything, that I hold back from him.
But when will I like me? I eat to comfort and soothe myself because I don't like myself very much. Then I have this barrier/safety blanket around me so that if other people don't like me, it can bounce right off the fat and I don't have to think about it. I figure if I don't like me, then most other people won't either. If I look fat and unlikeable then I am unlikeable to others. It's a way of pushing people away, especially men.
Most of you have read about my wasband and the abuse I suffered at his hands. After him I went from man to man to man, countless men to numb the pain from one. I was heavier then but not like this. I used my body to connect with men and let them use me. The few relationships I had would last only 6 months and then I was back on the man-wagon. I was addicted to being in a relationship or dating, often seeing two men on the same night. I thought I was using them but in reality they were using me.
There's family issues, feelings of abandonment, feelings of failure, feelings of never being good enough. I grew up chubby and was quieted at my grandparent's house with food when I cried for my mother. (I lived with them and my mother when I was very young.) I remember my grandfather yelling at my grandmother to shut me up by feeding me. This must have been about three or four years old. A powerful message to learn so young.
There's lots of reasons I am holding on to the fat. Now I want to supplant food with other things, positive things, things that I can do that show I like myself. Some of the things I do is come here and write and get my story out. Another thing I do is call my friends and talk to them about things but the two of them are getting worn out by me, I think. Thanks BJM and LAP. I'm trying to live more in the now than in the what could or might happen to me. I am trying to acknowledge feelings more and deal with them.
I still like my goodies though. I know lots of you out there have dealt with weight issues or are dealing with them now. How do you move past the danger zone into the light? What do you do to soothe and comfort yourself? I'm looking for any suggestions that you have.
It's time to share, if you dare! Help me out with your stories and I'll keep writing as I process it all.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The visit: a quickie
Today was the day I was supposed to go to my bio-dad's alone to see my half-sister, KH. I almost didn't go as I was nervous and very tired this afternoon but I went. I'm a big girl now.
I drove myself there and spent over three hours there just talking, playing with kitties, and looking at some really old pictures (some over 100 years old).
I haven't seen my sister since about 1995 so that means it's been almost 14 years since we last saw each other. We used to work together all those years ago and I wasn't sure then if she knew we were related.
So I did it and my therapist is going to about pee himself when he learns that I have been at bio-dad's twice now since our last therapy visit.
I'm so tired so this is all for now. A quickie report but a positive one methinks!
I drove myself there and spent over three hours there just talking, playing with kitties, and looking at some really old pictures (some over 100 years old).
I haven't seen my sister since about 1995 so that means it's been almost 14 years since we last saw each other. We used to work together all those years ago and I wasn't sure then if she knew we were related.
So I did it and my therapist is going to about pee himself when he learns that I have been at bio-dad's twice now since our last therapy visit.
I'm so tired so this is all for now. A quickie report but a positive one methinks!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday nights and other stuff
Okay, I only have two more Sundays (including tonight) before I have to go back to work full-time. I go back on May 1 which is a Friday so that doesn't count as a full week. The best part of Sunday nights is watching The Amazing Race. It's a great show where teams of two people travel all over the world (and I do mean all over the world, except for Antarctica) performing certain tasks while trying to be the first to complete them so they aren't eliminated. (The last team to arrive may be eliminated.)
You get to see places that you'll most likely never see and you don't need to get a dumb passport picture taken. It's one hour, including commercials, where you get to see how smart or how not smart people are as they try to complete various tasks. It's like a nicer and cleaner Survivor but they are traveling non-stop. I have to tell you that there are no sports interrupting it tonight so it will start in just a few minutes. Yippee.
Other news
I left the house today with my friend LF and we went to A.C. Moore and I bought a few things for work. Big purchase was name tags for their desks. The kids hate them but they are super valuable when you're moving desks. It's also handy for subs and for marking people absent which I have the kiddos do.
More other news
My half-sister has asked me to go to bio-dad's house on Tuesday to see her. She's there overnight from Monday to Tuesday. I am going. That means more news later on this week. I'm scared to go by myself but I am going. Talk about stepping outside your safety zone.
You get to see places that you'll most likely never see and you don't need to get a dumb passport picture taken. It's one hour, including commercials, where you get to see how smart or how not smart people are as they try to complete various tasks. It's like a nicer and cleaner Survivor but they are traveling non-stop. I have to tell you that there are no sports interrupting it tonight so it will start in just a few minutes. Yippee.
Other news
I left the house today with my friend LF and we went to A.C. Moore and I bought a few things for work. Big purchase was name tags for their desks. The kids hate them but they are super valuable when you're moving desks. It's also handy for subs and for marking people absent which I have the kiddos do.
More other news
My half-sister has asked me to go to bio-dad's house on Tuesday to see her. She's there overnight from Monday to Tuesday. I am going. That means more news later on this week. I'm scared to go by myself but I am going. Talk about stepping outside your safety zone.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Dad update
My dad was quite sick in January which is why I didn't post much then. I was too busy riding back and forth to the hospital and seeing my brother and sister who both came home from Iraq to see my dad.
Since he has been out of the hospital he has had to wear a special vest pretty much 24/7. The only time he doesn't wear it is in the shower when someone has to stand outside and make sure that he doesn't pass out while in the tub. The vest goes under his clothes and gongs if it comes undone or detects some problem with the set up of the vest making sleeping difficult. Last night it went off four times according to my mother and as one can imagine, who doesn't want to wake up at random times to a gong?
Last week my dad had a MUGA scan and it showed that some things weren't working up to full capacity. That means that some time in the next two weeks he is going back to the hospital for surgery to put in an automatic defibrillator. It's an overnight stay and then he comes home and can't use his left arm for much for 6 weeks. That makes him a little unhappy because it is almost golf season.
It should be a routine procedure and I'll update this when I have an operation date for him.
Off Topic Tysabri Rant
I think I need to call the insurance company because I am still paying for my Tysabri infusions and it's getting cheaper but still putting a strain on my budget. The first month for this year was a straight $500. The second month was $338.88. The third month which I just received an EOB on is something like $230. I don't know about you but this is a lot of extra money coming out of the same paycheck.
I've also had the car in the shop twice since January to the tune of about $1500 total. Where oh where is all this extra money to come from? My hot rich fantasy manlover?
Sigh, things could be much worse. I could have no job and no insurance. I really hate the idea of disability without medical coverage for two years. Thanks federal government for making me feel secure in that if I can't do my job, I can wait two years until you think you can kick in some insurance type monies my way. There are lots of people in this situation and lots that can't even afford Tysabri at all so I shall come to the end of my b!tching now.
Since he has been out of the hospital he has had to wear a special vest pretty much 24/7. The only time he doesn't wear it is in the shower when someone has to stand outside and make sure that he doesn't pass out while in the tub. The vest goes under his clothes and gongs if it comes undone or detects some problem with the set up of the vest making sleeping difficult. Last night it went off four times according to my mother and as one can imagine, who doesn't want to wake up at random times to a gong?
Last week my dad had a MUGA scan and it showed that some things weren't working up to full capacity. That means that some time in the next two weeks he is going back to the hospital for surgery to put in an automatic defibrillator. It's an overnight stay and then he comes home and can't use his left arm for much for 6 weeks. That makes him a little unhappy because it is almost golf season.
It should be a routine procedure and I'll update this when I have an operation date for him.
Off Topic Tysabri Rant
I think I need to call the insurance company because I am still paying for my Tysabri infusions and it's getting cheaper but still putting a strain on my budget. The first month for this year was a straight $500. The second month was $338.88. The third month which I just received an EOB on is something like $230. I don't know about you but this is a lot of extra money coming out of the same paycheck.
I've also had the car in the shop twice since January to the tune of about $1500 total. Where oh where is all this extra money to come from? My hot rich fantasy manlover?
Sigh, things could be much worse. I could have no job and no insurance. I really hate the idea of disability without medical coverage for two years. Thanks federal government for making me feel secure in that if I can't do my job, I can wait two years until you think you can kick in some insurance type monies my way. There are lots of people in this situation and lots that can't even afford Tysabri at all so I shall come to the end of my b!tching now.
Monday, April 13, 2009
To post, but what about?
I feel the need to put something down here because it's been several days since I've made an appearance on the blog. So what should I write about?
Easter
It's come and gone for another year and I went to my parents' to celebrate the holiday. I had the opportunity to Facebook chat with my brother who is still in Iraq in the morning. My sister who is stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY called in the afternoon. I was the lucky recipient of an Easter basket with a solid chocolate bunny, some Reese's peanut butter eggs, and some scratch off lottery tickets. I don't usually get a basket but had requested a small one and my wish came true.
I called bio-dad in the evening and capped the day off with the latest episode of the "Amazing Race".
Other stuff
I have about three weeks before I go back to work. I am both delighted and concerned that my "free time" is coming to an end. I even had a frightmare today about my class behaving in a terrible way and not listening to me. I have the what if's. What if I mess up? What if I can't handle it? What if, what if, what if? What if I am fabulous?
More other stuff
Today's chores included doing a load of laundry. The washer is located outside my door in the basement. It started out like any other load of laundry with the detergent and the clothes and the machine. Then something went bad, terribly, horribly bad. The darned thing wouldn't drain and spin dry my clothes!
Zoinks! That left me with an open washer filled to the brim with water and clothes. I had to reach in and pull the water-logged items out and try to wring them out the best I could. Then I had to make two trips with slightly less water-logged clothing items over to another building so I could use that washer.
And I was vanquished as this time this other machine performed its draining and spin drying cycle. Of course this required me to make another trip to get the laundry to put into the dryer in my own apartment building but I finished the laundry.
Yes, you read that correctly. I finished the laundry!
That's all I've got for now. Weebs
Easter
It's come and gone for another year and I went to my parents' to celebrate the holiday. I had the opportunity to Facebook chat with my brother who is still in Iraq in the morning. My sister who is stationed at Ft. Campbell, KY called in the afternoon. I was the lucky recipient of an Easter basket with a solid chocolate bunny, some Reese's peanut butter eggs, and some scratch off lottery tickets. I don't usually get a basket but had requested a small one and my wish came true.
I called bio-dad in the evening and capped the day off with the latest episode of the "Amazing Race".
Other stuff
I have about three weeks before I go back to work. I am both delighted and concerned that my "free time" is coming to an end. I even had a frightmare today about my class behaving in a terrible way and not listening to me. I have the what if's. What if I mess up? What if I can't handle it? What if, what if, what if? What if I am fabulous?
More other stuff
Today's chores included doing a load of laundry. The washer is located outside my door in the basement. It started out like any other load of laundry with the detergent and the clothes and the machine. Then something went bad, terribly, horribly bad. The darned thing wouldn't drain and spin dry my clothes!
Zoinks! That left me with an open washer filled to the brim with water and clothes. I had to reach in and pull the water-logged items out and try to wring them out the best I could. Then I had to make two trips with slightly less water-logged clothing items over to another building so I could use that washer.
And I was vanquished as this time this other machine performed its draining and spin drying cycle. Of course this required me to make another trip to get the laundry to put into the dryer in my own apartment building but I finished the laundry.
Yes, you read that correctly. I finished the laundry!
That's all I've got for now. Weebs
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Updates and miscellany
The reunion
I have sent in my money to save my spot for my twentieth high school reunion. Now I feel better having sent in my reservation but I know I still have the option to back out. I am at about a fifty-fifty on whether I'll attend or not. Perhaps I will go because I have taken the first step. I have until July to decide.
The nutritionist
I have not been following my food plan in the slightest since I saw him two weeks ago. I am slowly putting myself back on the wagon. One of the things I really need to do is to write down nightly meal plans so I don't catch myself unaware and hungry in the evening. I am working on more veggies being added into my meals. I have been eating my green beans at night followed by sips of water to choke them down. I may not like them but I am eating them/swallowing them.
Bio-dad
I called my step-mother last night and thanked her for letting us come over (us meaning BJM and myself). We had a nice chat while my dad was out doing his chores on the farm. I'll probably call him tonight and see how he is recovering from our Sunday visit.
Adoptive dad
He's still recovering from the 18 days in the hospital in late January/early February. He wears a special vest 24/7, except when he showers, that gongs and dings and will shock him in the event of his heart not working correctly. He has been having problems with his breathing lately as in being short of breath. He is having a chest x-ray done today and they have doubled his Lasix (spelling?) to a really high dose. It's a diuretic.
He also has an infection in a tooth so they have to watch that while he's on his antibiotic. My mom called me at 6:30 this morning to tell me about my dad. Needless to type, she is worried about him.
Me
I am going to get freshly cut and coiffed in about an hour. There is also snow here. Flipping SNOW in April. It's not a lot of precipitation but it's cold and I'll have to warm up the car. I'm sleepy and want a nap but what else is new.
I have sent in my money to save my spot for my twentieth high school reunion. Now I feel better having sent in my reservation but I know I still have the option to back out. I am at about a fifty-fifty on whether I'll attend or not. Perhaps I will go because I have taken the first step. I have until July to decide.
The nutritionist
I have not been following my food plan in the slightest since I saw him two weeks ago. I am slowly putting myself back on the wagon. One of the things I really need to do is to write down nightly meal plans so I don't catch myself unaware and hungry in the evening. I am working on more veggies being added into my meals. I have been eating my green beans at night followed by sips of water to choke them down. I may not like them but I am eating them/swallowing them.
Bio-dad
I called my step-mother last night and thanked her for letting us come over (us meaning BJM and myself). We had a nice chat while my dad was out doing his chores on the farm. I'll probably call him tonight and see how he is recovering from our Sunday visit.
Adoptive dad
He's still recovering from the 18 days in the hospital in late January/early February. He wears a special vest 24/7, except when he showers, that gongs and dings and will shock him in the event of his heart not working correctly. He has been having problems with his breathing lately as in being short of breath. He is having a chest x-ray done today and they have doubled his Lasix (spelling?) to a really high dose. It's a diuretic.
He also has an infection in a tooth so they have to watch that while he's on his antibiotic. My mom called me at 6:30 this morning to tell me about my dad. Needless to type, she is worried about him.
Me
I am going to get freshly cut and coiffed in about an hour. There is also snow here. Flipping SNOW in April. It's not a lot of precipitation but it's cold and I'll have to warm up the car. I'm sleepy and want a nap but what else is new.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Deconstructing bio-dad
Sunday was a big day for me, a huge day actually. I went to see my bio-dad with my trusty friend BJM. This was the first time I've seen my bio-dad in about eight years. The last time I saw him I freaked out afterward because I wasn't used to him and the idea that he wanted to really get to know me. So I backed away and only recently started talking to him on the phone again.
This time, eight years later, I was in a much more secure place in my life. My mother has some pretty intense feelings that she still holds against my bio-dad but I am over the fact that she hates him. I'm past the idea that she might be angry with me if she knew that I saw him. This time it's about me establishing a relationship with my b-d (bio-dad) for me. It's not about going against my mother or trying to hurt her, it's about me trying to make more sense of my life.
When we arrived my aunt Nancy was there. She stayed for a long time talking about her family while I waited for my b-d to be free to talk to me. Thank goodness for BJM who kept me company while we waited. I also talked to my step-mother (is that what she is?) while we waited for Aunt N to leave.
I also met my Uncle Jimmy at the end of the visit. He's a character and from what I saw, I liked him.
BJM noticed that I looked like my dad, especially my nose and eyes. She said that when he talked it was like looking at my face. I smiled a lot and I think he did also.
It's so weird to know that this man is related to me and he bizarrely thinks I'm perfect, no matter what. I'm not used to this kind of unconditional acceptance. I finally feel like I am opening up to learning more about myself, my past, and my father.
It was liberating to go there and just talk to him about anything. There were no hard feelings on his part toward my mother. It has been almost forty years now.
There's more that could probably be written but some of it is still being digested at the moment. I'm picturing the inside of my head like a dryer where things are twirling around, getting at the top and falling down to start twirling all over again.
I do know I feel positive and hopeful after the trip yesterday. That's a good thing.
This time, eight years later, I was in a much more secure place in my life. My mother has some pretty intense feelings that she still holds against my bio-dad but I am over the fact that she hates him. I'm past the idea that she might be angry with me if she knew that I saw him. This time it's about me establishing a relationship with my b-d (bio-dad) for me. It's not about going against my mother or trying to hurt her, it's about me trying to make more sense of my life.
When we arrived my aunt Nancy was there. She stayed for a long time talking about her family while I waited for my b-d to be free to talk to me. Thank goodness for BJM who kept me company while we waited. I also talked to my step-mother (is that what she is?) while we waited for Aunt N to leave.
I also met my Uncle Jimmy at the end of the visit. He's a character and from what I saw, I liked him.
BJM noticed that I looked like my dad, especially my nose and eyes. She said that when he talked it was like looking at my face. I smiled a lot and I think he did also.
It's so weird to know that this man is related to me and he bizarrely thinks I'm perfect, no matter what. I'm not used to this kind of unconditional acceptance. I finally feel like I am opening up to learning more about myself, my past, and my father.
It was liberating to go there and just talk to him about anything. There were no hard feelings on his part toward my mother. It has been almost forty years now.
There's more that could probably be written but some of it is still being digested at the moment. I'm picturing the inside of my head like a dryer where things are twirling around, getting at the top and falling down to start twirling all over again.
I do know I feel positive and hopeful after the trip yesterday. That's a good thing.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Quickie update
I'll write more at a later time but the day with my bio-dad went very well. My friend BJM went with me as the security blanket to my Linus.
Just wanted to throw out this as an update for those three inquiring minds who wanted to know.
Just wanted to throw out this as an update for those three inquiring minds who wanted to know.
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