If I'm on an AD and taking an anti-anxiety drug, why do I feel this way?

Last night was awful. I did manage to dye my hair but emerged from the tub weeping and overwhelmed but I'm not sure by what. Then I rolled into a rage and agitation so strong that it's all I could do not to break everything in my rotten little apartment. I wanted to hurt people or things and I didn't know why.

The self-punishment aspect of this depression is strong, like a ferocious dog who has his favorite toy in his mouth and he's unwilling to give it up no matter how hard you try to pull it away. His teeth have chomped down tightly on it and his head is shaking from side to side and he's growling, trying to tell you to leave his toy alone.

Last night, I gathered up two large garbage bags of stuff, plus two large bags of books and dragged it up the stairs and out to the dumpster for the dumpster diver man. He will think he's found garbage utopia with all my stuff neatly bagged and ready to go. I even thoughtfully placed the bags outside the dumpster making the grab and go part of his routine even easier.

I stayed up late again last night and finally allowed myself to eat after a horrendous food episode earlier in the day. The broken blood vessels make me look like I have really bad zits on my normally clear skin. It's freakish but a reminder to me that when I look in the mirror I shouldn't be so smug and think that I am doing well, because I am not.

Some of you have left me comments about taking meds for this and I do take meds.

Updated after visiting the Psych R.N. this morning:

I had called and left a message around 8 a.m. at the Psych R.N.'s office about my downward spiral and he returned my call shortly afterward, so he asked me to come in ASAP, which I did wearing clothes from yesterday and taking no shower.

He has changed my meds and removed the Wellbutrin XL as that may be behind the suicidal ideation at that higher dosage. Plus, it's one of those drugs you don't give to people who purge because they can seriously cause some damage with seizures and such.

I am now on Lexapro, which I have been on before, and Abilify (something new for me), plus the Xanax. I am to call him on Thursday or Friday and let him know if I am feeling any better. I also see my talk therapist/psychologist on Friday and we'll have sooooooooo much to talk about.

I look like a woman come undone and I sound like one when I talk and I'm not pretending to be fake. I sat with my hair sticking up at the pharmacy with sunglasses on, reading while waiting for a new round of scripts to be filled, designed to make me feel better, or at least not allow me to feel any worse.

I came home and took a nap which was nice, although I'm still tired. I also called my neurologist's office as depression can be a side effect of Tysabri and I wanted to update them on my new med changes. The nice phone receptionist said she would leave a message for the doctor so we'll see if he actually calls back tonight.

I do have to work tomorrow but not with kids, so that is a huge plus. I reached out and asked for help and I'll just take it day-by-day again. Perhaps this new drug cocktail will be the one that wakes me up and shakes off this horrible overcoat of pain and sadness. That's what I'm hoping.

How's it going?

I talked to my best friend from college last night and she asked how it was going. I started out by saying the same, but probably worse.

Hell, I know I am worse. My sleeping is effected by all of this. My eating is effected by all of this. I am crying again. There are times when I am filled with such incredible rage for no real reason at all. My face is a complete mess from the broken blood vessels of purging up what I have eaten.

I've taken two 1 mg Xanax pills today plus 450mg of Wellbutrin XL and it feels like the second Xanax is calming me down a bit. I just dyed my hair to rid the grey and made a big mess while doing so. I cleaned it up but everywhere I look in this apartment is another mess. Papers and books and crap piled around for work and bill paying and stuff that needs to be sent out.

I threw out a bag of stuff last night for the man who goes dumpster diving in our apartments' dumpster. He literally climbs in and opens up bags. That is so disgusting and a clear message that you should shred anything with your name, address and any other pertinent information on it.

I am going to start bagging up crap in my bedroom because I cannot wear most of my shoes anymore. I can easily throw out purses and shoes so this guy can take them and do what ever it is he does with the stuff he claims.

Last night I cleaned out another area and shredded lots of medical things that needed to be shredded. I feel caged in my apartment and the walls are closing in. I want stuff out of my apartment. All these stupid cutesy knickknacks and crap must go. No one ever comes here, except delivery people and maybe two or three other people a year.

My apartment is not a "let's hang out and do something fun" place. I used to feel safe here but I don't anymore. The agitation continues to build and my anger (at what?) is growing. I keep punishing myself, maybe because I can't be the good teacher I used to be. I can't hold a thought like I used to be able to do. I can't generate any more fake happiness until it's time to go to work on Tuesday.

I think Denver Refashionista (a reader and great blogger in her own right) is correct in saying that controlling one's breath can be helpful in trying to stay calm. I will try to focus on the breaths I take and hope that there is some way through this mess. I do not know why it is here now, why this depression is so deep, why it involves such deep anger and self-punishment.

I feel like a freak compared to others. I remember the last two times I clearly felt this dead inside: the first was in 2000 when I was starting a new job after having left my husband, moved, and started divorce proceedings, and the second was in December of 1999 before I left him for good. I moved out and stayed in a hotel for a while without telling other people. When I returned home I was doing so only out of financial necessity. That Christmas I recall seeing my parents shopping at the mall. I looked and felt like this, not knowing what to buy, not caring.

I recall that dead feeling. That heavy load of shame on my shoulders all the time. The desperate need for help but not knowing how to fix things. Those were times with specific plans and an almost guaranteed ticket to the psych ward. That's something I can't have, that chance to be away and try to just focus on me. I have to work and will work and I will pretend that I love it. Then I will come home and continue to find ways to punish myself because I cannot snap out of this depression.

I hope things are much better in your world.

Saturday update: work and health

Work life:

I made it through this three-day work week, after taking two days off, and next week will also be only three days because of Columbus (hero or despised invader?) and a professional development day.

Wait until you hear what our professional day centers around. Wait for it... some crap called GIS which I think refers to Geospatial Information Systems. Or it could be Geographical Information Systems and my MS is just blocking the real definition.

I have to have a partner for the activities during the day. I will get to play with a SMART board, which I don't have in my room. I just this last week had my borrowed TV and VCR hooked up correctly to show videos to my students. I mean actual academic videos and no just crap you throw in when you're too damn bored/crazy/lazy to actually teach.

I also believe we will be outside working on geocaching which sounds like great fun but will it really make me a better teacher? What I really need is time to work in my room uninterrupted by anyone else. I need time to put things in my computer, time to sort out my materials for my upcoming units, time to just sit and think and breathe without a time deadline hanging over my head.

There's something else we're doing that day with technology, and all it sounds great, but a whole day devoted to it? We have one SMART board at my grade level and I've heard from a reliable source (its owner) that it doesn't always work well. Some people have wall-mounted flat screen TVs which look great but actually have a smaller screen so kids need to be right on top of it to see what's going on. Some of the new TVs have already burned up because we purchased them cheaply and that company is no longer in business. Technology in our building for the average teacher, especially in my world of fifth grade, is ridiculously behind the times compared to some other local schools.

Health-wise:

I'm complying and taking my meds, including my new directive to take 2000 IU of vitamin D3 daily and my multi-vitamin with iron. I have a bruise now from my hand IV insertion. I don't cry as much.

My hands, however, have been real problems for me for the last three days. They ache and hurt so by the end of the day that I can't hold my book up to read. I could barely hold a pen during the last half of the day yesterday and write. I had to write some notes home and it was so painful and my handwriting looked like scribbling. I felt awful that I couldn't do such an easy thing.

Food is still a problem. Sometimes I almost eat two meals a day and then I have to purge myself from dinner meal stuff every other evening. It's like I have to punish myself for allowing myself to eat and trying to feel.

I'm angry but don't show it so that's how anger comes out for me, literally. This is my old bad behavior rising to the surface. I'm angry that I still feel so overwhelmed at work even though I'm working harder than ever to get it all under control. I know my observation last week went well although I have not received my invite to go down and discuss it with my boss. I know I am working harder on the paperwork and getting things graded faster. I know I have made a kazillion sets of copies for the weeks and reading selections ahead. We've started preparing for the state test in Social Studies that is coming up in mid-November.

It all seems like we're on track but the special education teacher and I am amazed at the sheer lack of effort by many students. We keep track of names on giant chart paper along with missing work. It is usually filled with at least 7 names for each assignment. That is mind-boggling for me. I have 18 math students in the lower group with two assistants and 21 students in my other regular class sessions.

How is that so many people just don't do homework? I try to call home and most of the numbers don't work. I send home notes and they don't always come back. I stayed after school twice this week to force people to catch up on work and I only worked three days. I stayed on a Friday and I never stay after on Fridays. I still do not go to lunch and sometimes I don't even eat lunch because I am working and then we have an occasional meeting.

I'm tired but having trouble falling asleep most nights. I'm forcing myself to take my evening meds earlier and hoping that will be the trick in getting me to sleep. Here I am on a Saturday morning awake at 5:30 for no reason and I am tired.

My mind still gets muddled at work. Names and words and papers and answers get all mixed up. I try to cover myself but children are fabulous at pointing out every wrong thing I do, no matter how many wrong things they do.

My typing on here is atrocious. I sometimes miss words altogether, I spell things wrong and I have always been a super speller, and I type the beginning of one word and end it with the letters of the second word and I type the second word and finish it with the letters of the first word. Almost every other word I type now is wrong in one way or another until I go back and fix it.

Is at all better? Yes, slightly.

There are many times when I am home and I think about the whole Heath Ledger thing. Did he really overdose on purpose or did he just mix things and accidentally kill himself while trying to feel better?

I'm not saying I am going to do that. That is not my plan. I can understand completely how a person could be in such a place that they mix and match meds trying to feel better. I try to act like I am better but I still didn't answer the phone last night when my best friend from Maine called. I prefer not to talk to anyone because then you have to pretend.

It is easier now to pretend that all is wonderful in my work world, thanks to the med increases. I know I have to keep working now, no matter what. Maybe in the future I can afford a leave but I can't afford one now. Maybe Tysabri will work in the next few months. Maybe I will get that miracle I'm hoping for in my life.

All I know is that my hands are tired and I am tired so I need to end this. I know there are so many people out there much worse off than I am. I try to remind myself of this so I will buck up and stop b!tching. When that happens, you all will be among the first to know!

Back at it, post Tysabri

I'm sufficiently medicated to make it to work so off I went today. Two of my students actually wrote me little cards hoping that I was feeling better and that my MS was gone. That was nice of them, wasn't it?

Two more days of work and then a three-day weekend and another professional day after that with no kids. That means next week will also be a short teaching week. I suspect that will be best for me as it may hopefully keep some of the panic away.

It's amazing how much this depression takes away from me, especially in conjunction with the cognitive issues of MS. The panic becomes overwhelming for no real reason. The meds just mask it all and allow me to be productive. Take away the meds and it all falls apart.

Day two post-Tysabri found me slightly dizzy on and off throughout the day and my low back aches, and no, it is not PMS.

I am wondering what the cost will be for my infusion palace. I hope it's affordable because it truly is a lovely place. If anyone wants to ride along one of these days and view the coffee bar, let me know.

I'm still having trouble falling asleep at night. I chock that up to the mental issues rolling around at the moment.

That's all I've got. I hope things are well in your part of the cyber world.

Happy belated and infusion paradise

Jiminey Crickets! As I was driving home from work this morning I realized that it is now the month of October (doh!). I also realized that I had not wished one of my oldest friends, er perhaps I should say one of the friends that I have had the longest, a happy birthday a few days ago. So here it is BJM, a belated birthday wish from your loser friend who was too busy wallowing in her own misery to think about someone else.

I took today off as I was dizzy this morning and tired out after Tysabri day. Plus, I was panicking last night and cried again about work, after not crying for a few days. I know I "look" okay to everyone else but inside I feel like it's a freeway backed up in California at rush hour. My thoughts are sometimes racing each other for an open spot and other times they're non-existent.

The Tysabri thing was a breeze. The worst part was waiting an hour for the doctor himself to come in and introduce himself before the infusion started. The place I go to is a palace. It's an infusion paradise. It has a chandelier in the waiting room. It is decorated as if it's a new showcase home that someone is trying to entice you to buy. There is wainscoting for crying out loud.

You get infused in your own little private suite. They have these funky chairs that are better than recliners but hard to climb in when you're five feet tall and about the same width. The doctor himself got me in the hand on the first stick. I could watch my own TV and or bring a DVD to watch if I so desired. They have remotes and the sound comes out by the back of your chair near your ears.

They have a coffee "bar" with coffee (duh), hot chocolate, and juice. I think there were some cookies or crackers there too. Nice big bathrooms if you must drag your IV pole with you and relieve yourself before the infusion is over.

Two nurses' stations to take care of what I think are about 16 suites. Lots of nurses always walking around with their timers checking on people. I was in suite number 7. Must be my lucky day, huh?

There is a real drape type thing to close off your suite for the most part. You get a pillow and a blanket, if you want one. You have a call button just like if you were in the hospital. People are constantly monitoring everyone in there.

The infusions are not only for Tysabri. A teenager was there for some blood/iron transfusion. The guy next to me was getting his IV Solumedrol and unfortunately having all sorts of problems while that was happening. The nurses never acted like he was an imposition. There were children there and older people there hooked up to IVs. The nurses called the doctor over from the other side of his building whenever he was needed and he came.

The building itself is both a pediatric place and an infusion place. The infusion doctor is a pediatric oncologist, I think, by training. He built this palace to make it nicer for both children and anyone who needs any type of infusion. The offices are even done up the way the rest of the place is. It's amazing; I cannot say this enough. This is way better than having it done improperly by my previous neuro in his office while not following the TOUCH protocol.

Infusion doctor/semi-god is telling me that his current patients are seeing a change somewhere between the 2nd to the 4th infusion. He infused Tysabri before it was taken off the market and strongly believes in it, based on his patients' anecdotal experiences. He has asked me to take 2000 IU of D3 daily. He also wants me on a multivitamin with iron. He's a believer in that sort of stuff. He recommends the vitamin D to anyone in this area (the Northeast US).

So today I am dizzy and tired and still depressed. That last part is great for my eating, or rather lack of eating. Cheesecake and Pringles are still here. Yesterday I had 2 small slices of pizza and a half cup of cereal with milk and some water. I also ate a few almonds while infusing.

I'm still having some trouble falling asleep at night. I attribute this to the depression. I prefer to be alone but I am lonely. I still feel like I am in the pit of despair and I don't know how I can fix it to make everyone happier. I feel like each day is another day I move farther away from the human race. I only feel safe in my apartment. Going out into humanity is frightening. Everyone expects things that I just can't give now. The increase in meds have made life easier chemically but the panic and depression are still there like bubbling magma waiting to shoot out the volcano.

Now I am going to rest because I need to do so. I hope your day is going well wherever this finds you. And, of course, to my friend BJM I am so sorry I am such a dolt. I don't even have a card yet. I feel really bad about all of this.

Why couldn't I sleep?

I have always been a great napper. I could pretty much take a nap within an hour of waking up because my fatigue is so pervasive. If napping was an Olympic event, I could definitely represent for the US and maybe even medal! Last night, however, I didn't sleep well.

I guess it must be the Tysabri infusion doing it to me.

I've had IV Solumedrol and I know how to hook up an IV with meds and flush the lines. Heck, I have worked teaching and hooked up to an IV pole, dragging it around the room. As a complete aside, not all IV poles are created equal. If you get a "bad" one you know it. The last one I had kept twirling itself around, maniacally ramming me in my sandaled feet. Ouch.

I've taken Copaxone for almost the first two years of my diagnosis which meant daily shots. My first shot was on Christmas Eve, alone in my apartment, but I just wanted to get it started. Then I later took Rebif for my thrice-weekly torture pricks that make you feel like dried dung in an African desert.

But this one measly infusion kept me awake until almost midnight and then it had the gall to keep me tossing and turning when I finally could get to sleep.

I feel as if there is so much riding on this one medication. Will it make me better? Will it slow down my multiple sclerosis? Will I have an allergic reaction to it? What will I feel like later on? What will I feel like today while I'm there and then after when I come home?

Oh my good golly, too much for me to be thinking about here. It's one medication but I am hoping for a miracle. Is it too much to ask for my life back?

Can I follow through on tasks that I started? Can I deal with the heat of late spring and summer like a normal person instead of having to hide inside like a vampire, minus the cool cape and the blood-drinking thing? Will I be able to walk a reasonable distance, say from my room to the teachers' room, without limping and spasming like a cowboy who has been riding his horse for far too long ? Can I think clearly again? Will I stop living in this pit of depression where everything in life overwhelms me?

Look at me asking for all of these things to make my life better. How selfish can one person be while enjoying the slow spin on this third rock from the sun? As selfish as she wants to be, I reckon.

If you happen to be reading this and you're of the prayerful sort, I wouldn't mind someone throwing up some positive vibes for me around 1:30 this afternoon. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight.

Slumpday and weird coincidence

Yeah, still in my slump but I did more today to act like a real person. I ate twice today. I also finished correcting the papers I had to do so that grades can be calculated. Did I mention that my friend/driver/pseudo-mom who is taking me to the infusion center offered to crunch the numbers for my five-week averages? Give that woman an award, please!

I even cleaned my tiny bathroom, except for the shower. I'll get to it, I promise. It just sucks the life out of me to scrub that thing down. I took out the garbage and the recyclables. I showered and dressed myself.

To demonstrate the true depths of my depression I will share with you that I purchased a small cheesecake on Friday that has still not been touched. I have a can of Pringles that is still unopened. This depression is great for the whole non-eating part of it. Less dishes to wash also.

On Facebook today I had a message from a college gal pal that mentioned that my freshman year roommate also has MS. Is that the weirdest coincidence or what? Now I can say I know someone my age who has it.

Of course, I have not known her for about 15 years now but I am trying to get in touch with her. Do other MSers do this sort of thing, try to find someone their age to compare notes with? I'm interested to see what symptoms she has and what treatments she has tried. The only thing I remember about her is that she got married shortly after college and I think she has some children.

It's like this weird but comforting connection to say, "I know someone else who has this disease."

I am trying not to think about work on Tuesday. I will have to input grades at home Monday night and work on Tuesday plans. I guess I'm a lot like little babies when they play peek-a-boo and laugh when they see you again. They think it's magical how you disappear and reappear. I'm trying to pretend that work is done even though I know it's not. That is one constant in my world, along with the depression.

Tomorrow is Tysabri infusion number one.

Sleepy Saturday and Item Ordering Anonymous

I have spent pretty much the entire day in bed. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty as I needed the rest. I still feel fatigued, my eyes feel glazed, and my face seems to be pulled down into a frown but who cares? I'm now showered and I have a load of laundry in the dryer. I'm going to pay a few bills after I get off here. I am being productive. I am alive.

Nothing earth-shattering is going on at all. I finally decided to keep two of the dresses I ordered about 6 weeks ago. I look like a pregnant house in the two I kept but at least I now own dresses that fit, even if they do make me look butt ugly. The other two will be returned within the next week at local stores. I also have to send back the clock I ordered from L.L. Bean last week because the alarm part doesn't work.

I am one of those people that order things from online or catalogs. Then when I have received said item(s) I decide probably about 85% of the time that the item(s) need to go back because they just don't work for me. Clothes and shoes especially.

However, I generally don't return the item(s) so I have shoes and clothes that don't fit and other gadgets that don't work. It was really bad when I had cable TV that included QVC. I never ordered their jewelry but I was a sucker for so many items. Those "hosts" are some slick sales people. I bet they make a pretty penny working there.

In case you're worried that I don't have cable TV, relax, I just pay for the cheapest cable available. I pay something silly like $8.37 for about 17 channels or so. It works for me and keeps me away from the drug that is QVC.

I am also a huge fan of Netflix. If you haven't tried that service, it really is as easy as it sounds. You sign up for how many videos you'd like at a time. I currently have 4 at a time in my rotation and am downsizing to three at the end of October. (I have been up to 6 at a time but am taming this addiction as well.)

I have made a queue of DVDs I'd like to see and I can change the DVDs and their order at any time I want. The DVDs come as one packaged in a papery red envelope that is also the return envelope. You carefully rip where they tell you to and out pops one DVD in a white paper sleeve. You keep the DVD for as long as you want and there are no fees. Keep it for a day, a week, two months, whatever you want.

After viewing, you just slide the DVD back in to the white sleeve and put that inside your red envelope and the mail person does the rest. You don't pay for postage or late fees or anything. You get another DVD mailed out as soon as they receive the one you just mailed back. You can have 2 per month total as the cheapest rate, I think, then it goes up from there 2 per month with no limits, maybe all the way up to 8 at a time per month.

Netflix isn't just about new release movies either. There are really old classic movies from the 50s and 60s, TV shows, sports stuff, family stuff, PBS mini-series, and exercise DVDs. There's a whole gamut of stuff to choose from. I make nothing from this free promotion but I do tell a lot of people about it. I have even turned some friends and my parents on to the wonder that is Netflix.

This probably explains why I only have about three friends in real life. Netflix: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

PS: I am noticing more of the cognitive stuff now. Getting dressed today was taking out a bra and panties and putting them on the bed. Then I reached for something else and put it on the bed and turned around and did the same exact thing that I had just done. I had forgotten what I had done literally seconds before.

To cancel my LASIK surgery, which would have been this week, required me to call Canada. The man asked for my first name so I told him my last name and spelled it. He repeated it back to me. I said he was correct and then he asked me for my last name and it took me a bit to realize I had done it wrong.

Yesterday while leaving for work I put the keys in the door lock on the outside and left the door ajar. I remembered something that I should grab for school and went back to get it. Then I reached for my keys in my purse pocket where I always put them.

The keys weren't there. This sent me into a small fit of loping around and looking for them. That is until I looked at the door and saw them hanging there.

My typing on here before I fix it is horrendous. I put in words that don't fit or substitute words that are almost right but when I reread what's been done, I realize the gaffe. I know it all sounds like small stuff that we all do but this is but a few examples of my 38 year old mind. Sometimes I forget what to do when I am driving or how to lock the front door to my apartment.

That's just some of the scary stuff.

The other scary stuff is grading the remainder of my homework papers and crunching numbers for five week grades. That has to be done and in the computer by Tuesday afternoon at 3.

Sigh....

Depression, Friday

I saw my therapist today and he immediately noticed that I am truly in a deep depression. He was surprised how far and how fast this one has hit. Within three weeks of my last visit it's gone from work being tolerable to life appearing to be intolerable.

I can barely keep my eyes open because I am so tired. By the middle of the day it's like walking through mud with weights attached to my eyelids and cotton in my brain. It's an exhausted feeling that can't really be described but if you don't ever have to feel like that, you're in a good spot.

I'm still generally not eating breakfast or lunch. I do try to eat dinner but I'm ashamed to admit that two of the last four days has led to dinner coming back up in a rather disgusting and unusual bad habit way. I'm working on that though.

I generally don't call and talk to my friends anymore. If they call, I often let it go to voice mail. What is there to say when you feel like this? I imagine it would be rather boring listening to me not talking or answering in monotone. This type of depression is so deep and thorough that it has spread to my core.

I have three days off now so I can sleep in and nap when I need it. The first Tysabri infusion is on Monday afternoon. I am praying that this drug will be another piece of my arsenal. Everything else has failed in the fight against multiple sclerosis.

Now I am fighting a second-front war against depression, struggling to survive and get better and be able to work. I have to make it to ten years in my current job. That means I also need to get my paper work turned in soon to see how much time I can buy back.

I'll keep you posted. As always, thanks for reading and offering your support.

Ahhhhctober

I survived Wednesday at school, but just barely with my nails scraping the end of my frayed rope. I got myself to my psych R.N. appointment and we jumped up the dosages on both my Wellbutrin XL (antidepressant) and my Xanax (anti-anxiety) to a level that should make most normal people feel human again.

Today was also my yearly teaching observation and that was first thing in the morning after the heavy med dosing. I was actually calm, cool, and collected while he was there. I got a thumbs up from my boss later on in the day at a meeting. I figure a smile and a thumbs up must mean the observation went okay so I will take it.

I'm sure that feeling better today is completely the placebo or psychological effect of jumping up these meds. I don't really care. All I know is that I did not cry today and boy, was that a nice flipping change.

So that brings us to work tomorrow and then I have taken Monday off to get away from that place where my soul has been sucked out of my body and be relaxed and ready for my first Tysabri infusion that afternoon.

The sun has actually come out here after some heavy rain this morning and this afternoon. It's really sunny but not hot so I can almost enjoy the minute or two I spend walking to and from my vehicle. I like to think the sun is a nice metaphor for my slowly healing soul and sense of peace.

Of course, I will keep you updated on all that. I'm hoping that things are going well in the world of you, my gentle readers, who always offer up the nicest and most positive comments. They really do help and I look forward to seeing what others have to say.

I have to clean the litter box now; make of that what you will.