I had dinner today with my parents sans siblings who are away from home. The turkey dinner was good, made even more so by the fact that all I have to do is show up and eat it. It was after the chowing down that we sat around and reminisced about family members not with us, my siblings, the economy, and life growing up.
From the outside looking in, I had what probably looked like a darned good childhood and adolescence. That was primarily a shaky house of cards but I made it through. I think now that my parents were stressed about many things as I grew up. I am not letting them off the hook but I think they mostly did what they thought was right. They are not people who believe in mental illness and therapy for anyone, least of all their own child and there I was severely depressed and bulimic for many years. I was afloat in a sinking ship in the midst of a typhoon. I needed help and understanding and they just could not provide that. So I ate and purged and ran and cried and wrote about my suicidal thoughts.
I came through the storm to the calm on the other side. I'm here and I'm finally ending therapy for the first time in ten years because I am doing well. I have survived and thrived and now I can write about the positive parts of my life. I'm in a much better place than I was even a year ago.
I see my parents as the flawed but loving people they are now. I see them getting older and wonder how long I will have them in my life. I can hug them now when I leave their house and truly wish them positive thoughts. I see the three of us as adults and not just me as the hurt child I was for so long. Shedding that role is like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon after resting in the chrysalis for so long.
I have beautiful wings that are begging me to try them out. Watch me floating through this fabulous world, viewing everything with new eyes.
Happy 2010 to you all.
