Messy Stuff: A Life with MS and Other Ramblings

Goal setting

2011-11-17T20:31:00.003-05:00

Okay, I have a friend who has decided that for 45 days he will work on a new lifestyle plan. He is planning on going to the gym a lot and he posted a little funny eye opener for us on Facebook this morning after day one.

I decided that since I have four different Just Dance tapes, which I actually enjoy doing, that I also would publicly declare myself a newly-reenergized person who will work out for 45 minutes 3-4 days a week.

That may not sound like a lot but it is for someone who has done nothing but hold the couch down for a long time. I know I have had a good workout when my eyesight goes a little wonky from my MS and I am a little sweaty and a lot happier.

I have worked out Saturday, Sunday and tonight so far. Something is better than nothing!

Pick-me-up

2011-11-12T21:12:00.003-05:00

First off I had a three-day weekend and Friday was just a glorious, albeit cold, windy and wintry day. I ran some errands and spoiled myself by purchasing the latest Just Dance 3 game for the Wii.

Tonight I broke that bad boy out of the wrapper and spent over an hour dancing to the songs on it. My favorite song is called "Boom" and it's done by Reggaeton. I liked it so much that I played that dance three times.

Working out always makes me feel better but I am so utterly lazy that I can go months with doing nothing other than just existing. Sigh, sometimes having a roommate might be a good thing because they could force me into doing something more often. When I was in college if my roommate went to the gym, then I had to go to the gym also. It was just something I did. I couldn't let her get more fit than I was. I had to keep up.

Fast forward almost twenty years and I am the size of two adult women put together. I need to start doing something and keep it up. I hope I can remember what a delightful pick-me-up this evening was as I danced my pants off!

One year

2011-11-08T19:58:00.003-05:00

One year ago today my Dad died.

I can hardly believe it's been a whole year. Sometimes it seems as if no time at all has passed and other times it seems as if it's been a lifetime.

I have pictures of him right next to my computer so I see him every day. I talk to him on my way to work or on on long drives. I keep him close to my heart even though he is far away.

This is a rotten club to belong to: the Dead Parent's Club...

Grumpy b!tch

2011-10-31T20:46:00.003-04:00

That's me, the grumpy one. I had a rotten day at work. The kids are off the flipping wall. I am sick of Halloween and it is one of my most unfavorite days of the year. I'm not sure when I got to be such a b!tch about the whole thing but somewhere along the line I turned into a grouch.

I hope tomorrow is a better day but it brings November, the month of my Dad's death. Maybe that's why I am grumpier than usual...

ER

2011-10-30T19:55:00.003-04:00

No, I didn't go to the ER or Eemergency Room, instead I watched the final episode of ER from Netflix. I had stayed up and watched it when it aired but I have been watching the last few seasons that I missed recently and then it was time for the last show.

I remember from watching it when it originally aired and there was an elderly MS patient who died. I believe the character was 83 and she had been married to a wonderful man but it was hard watching it. It made me think about my MS and who will be there at the end because I have no husband or children.

It also made me think of my Dad because November brings the first anniversary of his death. I distinctly remember the first phone calls about his stroke, going to the hospital, staying at the hospital, waiting for my brother and sister to come home from Afghanistan, and watching my Dad die.

There is nothing quite like watching your parent die or watching your other parent or your siblings react to it.

The heartbreak of the immediate moment and then the radiating effects of all of it, the sadness and agony rippling outward... It is just so much, was so much.

We all will die, I know that. It's just so difficult to deal with, whether on a TV show or in real life...

Oct-update

2011-10-16T19:25:00.003-04:00

Here it is mid-October and I've written nothing for over a month. First off, happy birthday to my sister. She's still in her 20's and I'm 41. My birthday was at the end of September and I am now firmly entrenched in my early 40's.

School is going well. Lots of kiddos but not too many behavioral issues. I look forward to every weekend so I can sleep in and most weekends are devoted to card making. Crafting is such a huge part of my life now. It keeps me busy and makes me happy to create tiny gifts of beauty. I sell the cards at work for one dollar each and lots of people buy them. That makes me feel really good deep down inside.

My mom told me tonight that she is dating. I feel weird about that. My dad died less than a year ago. I don't know what to think. Part of me is happy for her and part of me feels just all mixed up...

My MS is still basically in remission except for my fatigue. It is always there and there are some times when I am driving to work where I am all over the road.

My diabetes is not under as good control but I am taking my blood sugars at least once a day, sometimes twice. It's not awful but not great either.

Starting the new year

2011-09-07T20:31:00.003-04:00

I've started the new school year off with a bang. I'm loving my job right now and I'm hoping to learn all the kids' names within the next week. There's more than one hundred to get to know!

I had my Tysabri infusion this afternoon on the second day of school. I felt bad leaving the kids when I was having such a great teaching day. I'm hoping for another super day tomorrow and then comes Friday.

It's good to be in a routine again. It's good to be doing something I am good at in a place where I am surrounded by friends. Some days it's just good to be me. :)

August Schmaugust

2011-09-02T14:10:00.003-04:00

A few people have asked what happened to me. Well, I was card making and reading and napping. Then I also had to go in to work for some professional development and I needed to get my classroom ready. It's ready!

I am very excited to go back to work even though it means the end of sleeping in and summer. It's been cooler lately and I have been loving it. Life, in short, is good.

I'm still working on getting the diabetes under control but I am taking all my meds and checking my blood sugar.

I have had some tough times with the loss of a co-worker/friend who passed away unexpectedly. I got through it, though. It reminded me of the recent loss of my Dad and that brought up a lot of different feelings.

On a completely other plane, I splurged and got myself a Miche classic base and six shells. I am also having a Miche purse party at the end of the month at my house. Call me crazy...

My birthday is coming at the end of the month and I will be 41. That seems like an old number but I still feel young so I am going with that.

Back to school on Tuesday with kiddos and resting, relaxing, and maybe a manicure and a movie in there before we start back up again. Again, life is GOOD!

I will survive, hey hey...

2011-07-27T22:35:00.003-04:00

We made it through last week's tremendously hot, hot, hot Tastefully Simple party. I earned $65 worth of free product so that was a nice bonus to seeing my friends gathered in my little sweatbox apartment.

Today I started taking insulin for my diabetes. I am still taking all my other diabetes meds so now I am doing two shots a day: one of Victoza and one of insulin. My A1C was up from 6.7 to 8.3 and my glucose numbers are way too high.

I am also dealing with the stress of a work friend who is very ill and in the hospital again. He has been sick for many, many months and hospitalized for almost that whole time. He was improving but now has had quite a setback. I am sending up many prayers for him and his family.

In my free time I am working on making cards and a scrapbook page for upcoming events. I feel like I am slowly making progress with my business although I am not pushing it very hard. It is mostly about me right now and I am okay with that. I am just enjoying the crafting and pure joy of making beautiful things.

Oh, and on the MS front, I was the number one individual fundraiser for my local work and the 39th highest fundraiser in the state. Other than that, I am doing my monthly Tysabri and doing well.

The biggest hurdle I need to clear is the diabetes and obesity issue. Move more, eat better, take my meds, and test, test, test. I'll make it!

In the saddle

2011-07-20T21:02:00.003-04:00

Guess what?

I exercised two days in a row. I dusted off my Just Dance games and put new batteries in the controller and away I went. 30 minutes one day and for an hour today.

Tomorrow it's going to be 100 and I am having my Tastefully Simple party. Oh vey, I have three fans at the ready so we don't swelter to death.

Just thought I'd post something more positive.

Time to skeedaddle now...

This isn't my first rodeo...

2011-07-19T18:08:00.004-04:00

It's been almost a week since I last posted. What have I been up to?

Well, on the diabetes front I am basically testing twice a day like I was told to do. I have started eating better with more fruits and veggies.

Exercise? Well, something's gotta give and it's been that. I have only exercised once, partially because I am lazy and don't think about it until about eight o'clock and it's hot and humid then. I have been more active than usual because I have been cleaning and organizing and hauling things out to the dumpster. I am having a Tastefully Simple party on Thursday with a bunch of friends coming over to my place.

Having a party like that once a year is a good thing because I see my friends, we have a great time, and I clean my place up! The bad thing is it's supposed to be about 100 degrees that day which is just ridiculous. It never gets that hot here and I only have air conditioning in my bedroom. Sigh, I'll figure something out with the fans to keep people alive and ungrumpy.

My brother is still home which is nice. I met his new girlfriend the other day and she seems to have redeeming qualities beyond the fact that she is attracted to my dork of a brother. Hehehe...

Tomorrow will be the continuation of some cleaning and organizing and making the beer bread and the chocolate pound cake. I also have to make a strawberry cheeseball. Everything else is made already.

Now I just need to start moving my body!

Back in the saddle again ...

2011-07-13T21:27:00.004-04:00

Today was a day of reckoning as I drove myself out to the diabetes nurse educator's office. First off, we stopped at the scale and blessedly my weight really hasn't changed any. I was scared to death that it had gone ever higher as I approach a rather large number that I don't want to surpass.

Then we took my blood for my A1C level (piece of cake after Tysabri yesterday) and we tested my glucose level. It was 221 five hours after I had eaten. Not good. Really not good.

I came out with the truth about my lackadaisical testing regimen and my recent high blood sugar numbers. I told her that I was getting no exercise. Shame, your name is Weeble!

So, what am I going to do about this and where does she plan to go?

It looks like I will be starting insulin once a day at the end of the month. If we do that then I no longer have to be on the pills. If it works better then I am all for it as I am already doing a Victoza shot daily.

On my end, I have to check my glucose levels twice a day and report those numbers in two weeks to her. That, coupled with the A1C level, will be the insulin clincher.

I also started exercising again tonight. It was 27 minutes of very low intensity walking but it was something. I am making a real effort from this point on to build up my exercising to 3-4 days a week. I am also charting my blood sugars online along with my exercise at a health site. I really enjoy spending time online so why not use that to my advantage?

I am also making a true concerted effort to eat better and choose better meals and snacks. I even made a big salad tonight and enjoyed it. I'm not saying I will be perfect because I won't be but I have the time and energy to focus on this. It is summer vacation, after all.

Consider me back in the saddle again. My horse may not be moving anywhere but I am ready if it does!

Vacation, baby

2011-06-28T21:24:00.003-04:00

It's finally here, summer vacation. The last time I wrote I was sharing my send-off message to my homeroom and now there are all gone, tossed to the wind in all directions on vacations, some moving, some staying home and (gasp) actually missing school.

I am missing the routine and my work friends but I am loving sleeping in and I'm doing a rather spectacular job of it, if I say so myself. Last night I logged about twelve hours and then I still squeezed in a few more naps.

So what is on my agenda? I did go to a card making extravaganza on Monday and got my hair cut and coiffed today. I am thinking about maybe getting a pedicure tomorrow and I have an hour massage scheduled for Thursday. Not bad for the first week off, huh?

I have made a dent in the kitchen cleaning needs area but there is still much more to be done there and everywhere else in my place. I also need to get my flex plan stuff all set to be mailed in. I have a few copies yet to be made and then I will have a little more summer money in my pocket. Extra money is always good...

One thing I need to do more of is check my glucose levels and get serious about my diabetes. My MS seems to be well under control but I just checked my glucose level and it was 364! That is way too high for anyone, let alone a diabetic.

I also need to do some more writing (and lots of reading for complete pleasure). Ah vacation is a wondrous time, filled with endless possibilities and time for cleaning my humble abode.

A message to my students: 2011

2011-06-22T03:58:00.004-04:00

Many years I take the time to write something and then read it to my students at the end of the year. It is my way of saying goodbye and good luck. Believe it or not, there is something inside of each one of you that I like. It is what makes you, you.

I like it when you support one another and work together as a team. I like it when you do your work well and turn it in on time. I like it when you laugh at my jokes or carry my chair in from outside or you tell me something funny, that is school appropriate, of course. I like to see your smiles and hear your laughter.

There are many things that changed throughout this past year. First of all, I am going to tell you a big secret. Listen closely as I say this: I was scared to come and teach sixth grade. It was something new to me after having taught fifth grade for so long and knowing exactly what I was supposed to do and working with people who were my close friends. I was very comfortable doing what I had been doing for several years.

I was so angry when I learned that I had to make a change to come teach sixth grade. But, and this is big, I learned and adapted and eventually thrived.

You did, too.

I made new friends and so did some of you.

I learned new things and so did you.

I learned that some times the thing that scares you the most turns out to be one of the best experiences of your life. It's when you are forced to stretch past your regular boundaries that you find out how far you can really go.

I am going to miss you, yes all of you, even those of you that I yell at a lot. I yell because I care. After you leave on Thursday I will come back to my room and it will seem empty because all of you will be gone. There will be no more basketball or bouncy balls. There will just be silence and all the things left out that I need to pack away.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for summer vacation. I just hope that when you return next year that you will sometimes say hello or smile at me in the hallway. Teachers like that sort of thing. It makes them feel special.

Teachers care about their students, no matter how old or big they get. I remember when I student taught in sixth grade at this very school. Mr. Burridge was a student in that sixth grade class. Now he is all grown up, reeeeeally grown up, and we are colleagues and friends.

It's unusual how life works. You plan to do one thing and sometimes something entirely different happens.

My advice to you is this:

1.) Be kind to one another, even when you don't want to be. You never know how much your smile or kind word or deed will affect someone else.

2.) Take advantage of your time in school to join sports or band and learn new things to the best of your ability. Life is so much easier with a good educational background.

3.) When you leave today try and think of one good time you had with me this year, whether it was watching a movie, reading a novel, practicing and practicing for the state math test, playing Scattegories or another math game, or something else; because, listen closely again, I will be thinking of each one of you and how lucky I was to be your teacher.

The half days are a-coming....

2011-06-21T16:30:00.004-04:00

I did it! I put on my big girl panties and went to work and stood outside in the sun and cheered my little championship homeroom kickball team on. I climbed (rather awkwardly) through the fire window to get inside like all the other adults, except that I am much shorter, much wider, and much less physically capable.

I did it, though.

I have a sunburn on my cheeks and my nose but I made it through the day.

I even stopped and picked up a sweet tea from McDonald's after work.

All in all, it wasn't so bad.

Two half days left with kiddos...

And then there were four...

2011-06-20T19:58:00.003-04:00

Four more days until two months of freedom. Four more days, people.

Tomorrow is the last full day with kiddos and we will be outside all day in the hot sun. I am so NOT looking forward to that. In the summer I enjoy the sun early in the morning waking me up, but I am not a sun worshipper. I am more of a close the drapes and turn up the fan kind of girl. Yessiree, that is me to a T!

I have a hat packed and sunscreen and water and a chair to sit outside in so I can watch the little urchins play the hearts out at kickball.

I do NOT want to sit outside all day tomorrow; did I mention that already?

It is going to be hot and there is no shade.

We are going to be out there all day.

I even have to eat lunch with them and I just want that time so I can sit at a table inside, away from the sun. Away from the sun!!!!

I will, however, suck it up and do it. Why? Because I am the teacher and that is what I do.

One week left...

2011-06-17T21:02:00.004-04:00

I have one more week of school and then it is vacation time. I look forward to sleeping in, taking walks in the morning, and cleaning my apartment up in a big way. I have lots of fifth grade stuff hanging around that I don't need anymore so it just needs to go.

Then I can focus on my Stampin' Up! business for a little bit.

And, maybe some more writing.

As far as the limbo situation I mentioned in my last post, it still exists and I don't see any answers coming in the forseeable future. For now, I have decided to just not worry about it. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. I am allowing whatever will happen to happen just as it is going to be.

I am really looking forward to summer vacation!

Tough times...?

2011-06-13T20:37:00.004-04:00

It's almost the end of the school year and I am hoping for a big change for myself for the upcoming year. Well, maybe not a BIG change but a change nonetheless. I'm not sure if things will go the way I am hoping and I'm not even sure when I may find this all out but I am trying to send vibes out there into the universe in my favor.

I know one shouldn't be selfish but sometimes you want something and you know that you can do well at it if you're just given the opportunity. So Mr. Opportunity, I am knocking at your door and hoping for some good news.

Last year around this time I was given a huge curve ball; I was forced to change grades after I was pretty darned certain that I was staying at the same grade level to teach Social Studies. I felt like I had been kicked in the teeth because they brought in two new people from the other building to teach at the grade level I was leaving. It still stings to this day but I dealt with it and moved on.

Two weeks of school left and then it's vacation. I may not have an answer for a while yet or perhaps I'll get one tomorrow. Either way I am hoping for some end to this limbo.

Happy June, folks.

Pre-Memorial Day thoughts

2011-05-29T20:37:00.003-04:00

I'm watching a spectacular PBS show for Memorial Day. Gary Sinise is always on these shows because he's such a big supporter of the troops.

Many of you who know me, know that my brother and sister are both in the Army. My sister is getting out and joining the Reserves at the end of September. She is a captain and has served two tours: one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. She is currently home safe and done being deployed. My brother is a Staff Sergeant and he is serving his second tour; his first was in Iraq and he is now also in Afghanistan.

Not a day goes by that I don't worry about our troops and especially my brother. They do the impossible in sometimes the most difficult and dangerous situations.

My Dad was an Air Force veteran who served as a meteorologist in the Vietnam War. My grandfather served in World War II.

I'm proud of all our troops, past and present, who have taken upon themselves to do what has been needed to be done.

Weekend

2011-05-28T20:58:00.004-04:00

It's such a relief to know that I do not have breast cancer. I find myself tearing up at anything that has to do with breast cancer on the television. But for the grace of God....

Thank you Lord for my life, my health, my family, my friends, my job, and the many accoutrements that go hand in hand with my quiet and wonderful existence. I have so many gifts that may seem small and petty to others but I hold them dear to me. My few close friends are simply divine people that I wouldn't change for the world. I am in remission from my multiple sclerosis and I have less than a month left of school until I can revel in summer vacation.

I walked again last night but not tonight. Today was more of a low-key sleep the day away kind of dealio. I was so tired and had no gumption to do much. I see more movement on the horizon for tomorrow. I'll be going over to my Mom's house and we're going all out with some barbecued chicken, spare ribs and some sides from a local BBQ place. I'm looking forward to that.

Happy Memorial Day to you and yours and to all our military personnel, past and present, especially my brother and sister.
Weebs

All clear

2011-05-25T20:34:00.002-04:00

The gammagram wasn't horrible but it took a loooong time. Regardless, I am cancer-free! Now this girl has some diabetes to whoop over these next few months.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers,
Weebs

One more day...

2011-05-24T20:21:00.004-04:00

One more day until the gammagram and finally some news. I either get to stop worrying or I turn myself into a whirling dervish who is on a one-way path to getting better. In the meantime I have walked the last two evenings to get some movement going with this body and to help deal with the feelings of nervousness.

I need to stop bullshitting myself about this whole bit with my diabetes. My glucose numbers are all out of whack because I am only taking one Metformin pill a day instead of the four I was taking because of all my bowel explosion issues. I am still taking Glipizide and my Victoza shot but it seems that all I eat is carbs, carbs, and more carbs. I have at least got myself to the point where I am taking my blood sugar numbers once a day; all this after months of hardly any readings.

It's time to start really thinking about what I am eating and exercising regularly again. I feel better when I eat better and I move more, yet I am a slack ass and I don't do it nearly enough. Time to pull out my Geneen Roth books, dust them off, and find those pages that ring true for me.

How is it that we as women often sabotage ourselves as if we don't deserve to be fit and healthy? We put ourselves last on the list and I don't even have a family of my own to take care of, no hubby anymore or kiddos, so what the heck is my reason for acting so piss poor lately? Why do I let myself fall apart and gel into this giant body?

It's time to focus on me more and getting healthier. I can win the fight against diabetes and I can get it under control again. I have summer vacation coming up and I will have all sorts of time to take care of me in many different ways.

Wishing you health and happiness, Weebs

Gammagram scheduled

2011-05-23T20:28:00.003-04:00

The gammagram has been scheduled for this Wednesday afternoon. It's great that it's coming up so soon because I am going just a wee bit crazy with the voices in my head. The biggest let-down is that my insurance won't pay for the procedure so I am paying $402.10 out of my own pocket, but thankfully I can submit that to my flex plan.

I was so wound up this evening that I took a walk to get some of my nervousness out. It actually worked and has calmed me down some. Yippee!!

If I have cancer then I am jumping on the bandwagon and dealing with it immediately. I have no plans for waiting and seeing; I want it gone and whatever needs to be done will be done.

It is almost summer vacation and there is exactly one month left of school with students. Will I spend it working on getting healthier and dealing with my diabetes or will I be getting treatments to deal with breast cancer?

I guess that answer will be coming soon.

New news update

2011-05-22T08:12:00.004-04:00

I made it to my Friday follow-up appointment and had a repeat mammogram and ultrasound on my left breast. After comparing all three films (Friday's, the previous Friday's and my last mammo several years ago) the doctor decided that something was there but we're not sure what it is yet.

It could be nothing, it could be something.

So, we're not watching and waiting for a year and we're not running to the doctor's office yet. Instead the mammo place is sending the results to my gynecologist's office and then they are supposed to set up an appointment for a gammagram.

A gammagram is kind of like a mammogram but you get to sit down the whole time and they don't squish you anywhere near as much as in a mammogram. What happens is they inject some dye into your arm and it travels throughout your body. For some reason, the dye pools into any cancerous areas in your breast(s) and it shows up as dark spots. This is supposed to be a quick (an hour or less), easy, and less painful way to get a diagnosis or an all-clear.

Results are given to you that day, according to the pamphlet that they gave me.

I am now waiting for that next appointment to be set up. Am I a little nervous? Sure I am, but I figure that if, and that's a big if, this is cancer then this is the best time to have it. It's the end of the school year in another month and then on to summer vacation so I wouldn't need to miss work.

If it's an all-clear then woohoo to that.

As always, I do promise to keep you updated when I have more news. Thanks for reading and for your support. :)

New news

2011-05-18T18:10:00.003-04:00

My mom had some major surgery on Monday and is now home and recovering wonderfully. I'm very pleased for that bit of goodness in my life.

I'm also delighted that my back has *finally* stopped acting up after a few weeks of miserableness after the MS Walk back on May 1st.

I am almost to the point of where I actually miss my students as I have been out of the classroom since last Friday, working on scoring state math tests for the week. I won't be back in again until next Monday and then we have two four day weeks in a row thanks to the observance of Memorial Day. I love short weeks now that testing is over.

I do have to go back in for more mammography films on Friday. I went in last Friday and have been waiting to hear about the results. They had to get my films from another place from about 7 years ago so I'm not sure if there have been changes since then or what the dealio is. I'm not going to worry too much about it until the new films are done and I have more information. No sense getting myself all tied up in knots, right?

What will be, will be and I promise to update you once I know anything.

This past Saturday I spent 12 hours card making and being a Stampin' Up! vendor at a scrapbooking event. It was good but such a long day for me as we arrived around 7:40 and didn't leave until after 9 in the evening.

What have I been doing for myself lately?
1.) Painting my fingernails all sorts of wonderfully, bright colors.
2.) Sleeping in an extra 5 minutes in the morning.
3.) Putting myself on a spending hiatus from Stampin' Up!
4.) And generally being my positive and happy self

Time to go do my nails... I'll write again soon.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T20:12:00.003-04:00

To the few, the remaining readers of this blog with the dwindling number of posts, I wish those of you who deserve it a wonderful Mother's Day. That goes for all fur-baby and human baby mothers, those who nurture and support others' children, and to those single Dads who have to act as both Mom and Dad. I salute you! :)

I am a fur-baby mom but my kitty boy is such an important part of my life. Then I am also a "sorta-mom" to all the kiddos in my classes when they need to talk or spout off or let me into their lives. I am blessed to have such a fantastic occupation where I have the ability to remain a teacher, a guide, a helper, a listener, and sometimes I have the opportunity to make their day with a helpful or supportive comment.

My students have completed the ELA portion of their state tests followed by this week's two days of math. Then I will be out of the class on Friday for training and then out all next week for scoring. That will be a surreal period of time to be away from my kiddos for so long. May the force be with their long-term substitute!

The MS Walk totals are still being added up but for right now I am still the number one fundraiser for individuals for our walk. Our team is still in fourth place overall and I remain psyched and proud of all of our walkers. It was another fabulous experience and so much fun to bring people in my life to meet up with others from different areas.

Wishing you glorious weather for the days ahead. Weebs :)

2011 MS Walk

2011-05-01T20:22:00.004-04:00

Our team has successfully completed another MS Walk. If I say so myself, and I am saying so, we had the coolest T-shirts at the walk. I know this because another person even stopped us to tell us that!

I did the 3-mile walk with BJM and another friend. The rest of our merry walkers split up into other groups of people doing either the 3 or 5-mile jaunt. Some of us were even on TV tonight which is just the bomb.

I'm so proud to have so many awesome friends who took time out of a beautiful Sunday morning to come and spend time with me, to walk, and to raise money. I am a lucky, lucky girl!

I know I have once again been remiss at keeping this thing updated. I hope to get back to it fully once summer vacation is here. Unfortunately, that isn't until the end of June. In the meantime I will let you know that I am doing my best to check my blood sugar levels once a day and that the bowel blow-outs have stopped thanks to the discontinuance of a diabetes medication.

The stamping thing is going well and I am having a blast with it. I am making some money through sales to friends and orders from myself. I seem to have a new addiction and it's calorie-free but it does get a bit costly.

Happy May to all!
Weebs

Spring Break, baby

2011-04-15T20:14:00.005-04:00

It's finally here: Spring Break! Yippee. The kids were so wound up today that I was looking forward to a break from some of them. Several of them have developed a bad case of spring fever/puberty angst and their mouthiness and disrespect are really ticking me off.

Nevertheless, we're apart for a week and when we return all shall be right within our worlds once again. Or so I hope.

Big news: the new undergarments have arrived and they fit. Huzzah! It's hard for short but large women to purchase panties when everyone seems to make them differently even when they are all supposed to be the same size. I know, I know... Really? We're talking about panties? I suppose I am, so I apologize for that.

On to other things like the fact that BJM stopped by this afternoon to put together another bookshelf for me. That is the beginning of "Clean Your Crap Up Week. This is the week where we are shredding the extraneous papers, recycling the magazines, throwing out the old, dusting off that which remains, and doing some crafting in there also. I am actually looking forward to having a nice, organized apartment again.

I'll be making a trip out to see my mom tomorrow and we'll be doing the church and dinner thing. No plans for Sunday but cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Off to the neuro on Monday and to Tysabri on Tuesday. Monday afternoon I am visiting my upline from Stampin' Up! and then Tuesday night is Team Time so I need to get some cards ready for that. Thursday is card making time with friends as we play with the Big Shot embosser and cutting system. I also plan to try and get an eye doctor visit in there, if at all possible.

There's still plenty of time for cleaning and organizing though. It's a new season and it's time for a literal and figurative breath of fresh air.

What happened to March?

2011-04-14T10:05:00.005-04:00

Not only what happened to March, but what the heck happened to me, ye olde trusty blogger? I have to admit folks that I need new topics to write about because my MS is in remission, my diabetes I'm not focusing on much (which reminded me to go take my blood sugar for the first time in ten days!), and school is going okay.

In short, which is what I am for those of you who know me in real life, life is just ducky.

My MS Walk team is getting revved up and ready to go for our May 1st walk. We're a small team compared to some but we're mighty in spirit. Right now we are third for team fundraising and I am first for individual fundraising for the Syracuse, NY walk. I'm just thrilled with that even if I am behind compared to last year's amount. I know the economy is tanking and discretionary spending doesn't necessarily include donations to the NMSS. However, I am thankful to all who have been generous in time, spirit, and donations of goods and cold hard cash.

The diabetes thing is a bit of a problem because even though my A1C is dropping it's not because I have made a concerted effort to change things. Since my Dad's death in November I have been a huge slacker in this area. I rarely check my blood sugar weekly, let alone check it twice a day. I am trying to remember all my meds but often forget my Victoza shot in the morning. My other meds give me the "runs" which are oh so pleasant, especially when you already have some bowel and bladder issues due to MS.

I know this is TMI but I have lost more panties due to sudden explosions than I care to count. I just ordered some new ones online to replace the casualties. Now back to your unregularly scheduled program...

So diabetes is something I need to conquer. I can do it, was doing it, until Dad died. Then some things fell apart, like me, and the diabetes thing got lost in the shuffle. I keep telling myself I'll start to take better care of myself and then I don't. Maybe I need to write more about that. Maybe the blog needs to take a diabetes slant for a bit. I mean, I do fancy my eyesight and all my limbs and such. It would be a tragedy to survive and thrive with MS and then go blind or need something amputated in the future.

I also need to start really exercising again. I have been walking in my little apartment to get prepared for our big walk. Last year there was no turn around sign so we kept on walking extra and I absolutely plan against doing that this year. I know where to look now and plan to do three mile minimum (or less, if I can get away with it). I have people at work that tell me they don't walk and I want to tell them that neither do I on a regular, athletic basis. I know I need to but I just don't. Walking after work puts a real dent in my napping time.

It is Spring now and I am loving that. I drive to work with the sun coming up on the driver's side as I go to school. I sometimes leave in the afternoon and can open the sunroof. Oh what a joy that is! When you live in a place that snows from October/November to April/May, spring is a welcome sight, sound, and smell. There's nothing quite like fresh blades of green grass and flowers poking up through the formerly frozen ground.

Oh, the card making thing is going swimmingly also. Did I tell you I joined Stampin' Up! as a demonstrator? I was thinking about doing it, decided against it, and then completely changed my mind and did it. Just jumped in with both feet, boom. Now I am making a little bit of money doing something fun that I enjoy. Something besides teaching that is.

Speaking/typing of teaching... today is a half day for the kiddos and so is tomorrow for parent-teacher conferences. I'll be working until sometime around 6 tonight but then leaving early Friday. Then, blissfully, I will be off all next week for vacation. I'm not going anywhere, except for my Tysabri appointment and to the neurologist and a few fun side trips mixed in to work on cards and such. Sleeping in, if Edison allows it, will be fabulous.

So, in a nutshell, this nut is doing okay in spite of all the challenges that life has thrown at me for the last year. I hope you're doing well, too.

Adieu to you, February

2011-02-25T18:13:00.005-05:00

My gosh, I have been away for almost the entire month. At least for this last week I have a solid excuse. I have a confirmed case of the flu! I guess I started getting sick last Saturday, slowly but surely and it ballooned until I was a coughing, hacking mess with a nasty fever and other bodily woes.

I had my Tysabri infusion on Tuesday morning even though I felt like a sad sack. We all knew I was sick but I didn't know just how sick I was. I probably should not have had the infusion that day but I just thought I had a bad cold then. I mean, I have MS and I generally don't get sick too often because of that highly functioning immune system.

The question everyone wants to know is did I get the flu shot?

NO!

I always, always, always get the flu shot either at work or at the doctor's office but I just somehow missed it this year. I signed up too late at work to get it and then my Dad died in November and I kind of fell apart for a while.

So I am on Tamiflu and an antibiotic and an inhaler to deal with my chest gunk. This is on top of the plethora of meds I take on a daily basis for MS and diabetes. I am getting tired of pills, but they are making me feel better. Hooray for that.

In other, more delightful, news:

1.) My A1C level has dropped from a 7.5 to a 6.7! This is somehow miraculous because I have NOT been testing my blood sugars regularly and my med regimen has not been all that regimented since my Dad died. (I know it's time to take my life back and test, test, test and watch what I eat and actually start dancing and exercising again.) I think my Dad sprinkled some fairy dust from Heaven into my blood during the draw the other afternoon. There's just no other reasonable and feasible explanation.

2.) I have a new part-time job. I joined Stampin' Up! as a demonstrator after first saying no to it, then pondering it, and finally jumping in with both feet. My first official workshop should be in about 2 weeks, well after I get un-flued! I'm looking forward to it.

3.) My mid-winter break is coming to an end but I am thankful that I have good health insurance, a great doctor, access to decent meds, and time off to recover. Thankfully, (knocking on particle board here) my MS has not acted up.

That's about it for February!

Happy February

2011-02-03T16:43:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was not only Groundhog Day but, more importantly, it was a SNOW day for me. I was able to do some napping, loads of cleaning which my apartment needed, some beef stew making in the crock pot, and I made tons of Valentine's Day cards. That's my new non-caloric obsession: card making.

On Saturday I went to a scrapbooking get-together and made cards there. Then I started up with more cards on Tuesday night and continued that into snow day Wednesday. I have probably made upwards of some twenty cards for my valentine friends. I delivered most of them today and I still forgot some friends so more cards await in my future.

I had a Stampin' Up! card party at my good pal, BJM's house last week. (I had it there because my place is so little and there's not enough table space.) It was so much fun because we had a great demonstrator who even asked me to join her team! I said no for now but perhaps in the future it might be something I would consider. It was also a great time to order things because with every $50 spent you could choose something free from a variety of goodies. Then there were the free hostess gifts and just my regular ordering of new stamps and inks and such.

I have to admit I spent more than I normally would on myself but I don't do a whole lot of spending on *me*. I don't wear makeup (gasp) or wear fancy clothes. I don't travel anymore and I stay close to home, especially now with the winter weather. So in my mind, I figure that I deserve to get more goodies for myself. I have also justified some spending on stamps and such because I am making thank you cards for those who donate money, goods, or services to my MS Walk team.

Speaking/Typing of the MS Walk, we have (as a team) raised $750 to date and I am almost at $500 for my individual fundraising. I'd like to raise 3K this year which is a few hundred dollars more than last year. I'd also like to see the size of our team grow to include at least one male and more friends overall. I have high hopes for our team this year and I plan to do something different with our raffle baskets to get more money and more people buying tickets. My mind is awash with money-making ideas.

I hope this message finds you in good spirits. The sun came out today so I find myself feeling extra-cheery after not seeing it for several days. I do love a snow day but I like some sunshine as well.

What's up?

2011-01-24T18:45:00.004-05:00

It seems I have been away for about a week now so I figured it was about time to get back on here. I have a phone appointment in a little while with an MSer who is thinking about making the switch to Tysabri. That has caused me to go back and do some reading of ye olde blog from way back, I mean waaaaaaaaay back. Years back so I can remember what it was like for me in the beginning. I had even forgotten I started in October of 2008, thinking it was in November.

It's a good thing I went back and looked at things. I know this MSer will have some questions for me and I am afraid I will come off as a dolt because I don't remember all my Tysabri history. Now, it's just a part of my routine every month and I have been doing so much better for at least a solid year. What a difference this medicine has made in my life!

I know not everyone has the same symptoms as I do and the same reaction to every medicine. I do know that, for me, Tysabri has been a step in the right direction. I am much better mentally, emotionally, and physically now as compared to when I first started Tysabri. As I look at the changes in my life in the past 6 months: a diagnosis of Type 2 diabetes, a change in grades at school, and the death of my father, I see that I have had ups and downs but they are normal ups and downs. Yes, my depression did get worse but I seem to be coming out of the tunnel and into the light again.

So what's up? My mood has lifted, physically I am in less pain, and I am enjoying looking forward to the small, positive, good parts of life.

Reaching out to "touch" someone

2011-01-18T21:34:00.003-05:00

I talked on the phone tonight with a new friend I have been emailing and talking to on Facebook for a few months. She's a teacher also and doesn't live all that far away. In fact, she can watch my local TV station to see if I have the day off or a delay.

It was so nice to make a connection with her, so much so that I haven't been able to wind down yet. This coming from the girl who was sleepy at 7 p.m.

I am also reaching out to another new friend on Thursday to talk about my experience with Tysabri.

Two new pals in two different parts of the country! I'm a lucky gal. :)

Thursday eve

2011-01-12T20:35:00.004-05:00

One of the inhabitants of my apartment is hoping for a snow day or delay tomorrow and it's not Edison kitty. I know I have a three day weekend which has Monday taken up with my Tysabri infusion for my MS and then a vet appointment for Edison in the afternoon. However, I could use an unexpected day off or at least a little more sleep.

I'm tired out and I need a little more rest. Is that too much to ask for when people all over the country have had days (plural!) off due to snow?

I'll keep you posted...

Rainy days and Sundays...

2011-01-09T19:00:00.003-05:00

Sundays are always a bummer for me. I go into a sleepy, hibernating, depressive mode. I generally don't shower unless I actually have to leave my apartment and I don't usually leave. I skulk around my little home in a pair of shorts and yesterday's T-shirt. I sleep, read, watch a little bit of television and repeat the cycle again. I am uncertain, un-centered, off-kilter, filled with an energy I don't use. I am like a sloth: a lazy, large, sad one.

I know taking a shower would make me feel more human but I don't do it. It's almost like I am punishing myself by purposely not doing what I need.

I do this almost every Sunday now. I have been doing this for a while. When will I stop doing this to myself?

Sigh...

In other news not about my slovenliness, I have decided to do the local MS Walk again in May. I have started my team and started recruiting walkers and donations. Last year the team was in the top ten of the local walk's teams' fundraisers and I was in the top ten for individual fundraisers. Woohoo.

Let's see what we can do this year!

Two months out

2011-01-08T20:17:00.004-05:00

My Dad died two months ago today. I did go to church with my Mom tonight and I thought about him a lot. I miss him quite a bit, especially now that there is this canyon between my mom and me. He was the fabric softener in the life of our family. He kept us from sticking together and rubbing each other the wrong way.

I am trying to start to care for my diabetes better again. I actually took my blood sugar this morning. It was high at 170. I suspect it will be high again tonight after eating a Rueben and french fries with gravy. It's the first time I've checked my sugar in about three weeks.

I went to church with my mom only after she called last week asking me if I would start to go up with her again. She wanted me to start up again and then go out to dinner with her afterwards. I told her I would let her know today and I didn't make my official decision until almost 1:30 this afternoon. I think part of why I am going is for me and not just because she wants me to go. I feel better after sitting in church, saying prayers, and being in the presence of the Lord.

This week I also saw my therapist and he said some things that were proverbially hitting the nail on the head. That man is underpaid but he is worth his skinny little weight in gold. He's tall and rather thin and then there's me all short and wide, akin to Jack Sprat and his wife from the nursery rhyme.

I also did some Just Dancing this week to get myself ready for a dancing showdown in early February. I plan to do some solid a$$ kicking in that regard. I have some friends who plan to get together so we can dance with the Wii and I've been told to bring it, not sing it, so I am dancing my pants off to show them what I can do.

You just keep walking, one foot in front of the other. I wondered how I would get to today but that's how you do it. You just keep walking and breathing.

I hope you're proud of me, Daddy.

First Monday

2011-01-03T20:13:00.004-05:00

Today was the first Monday of 2011 and I survived. Yippee!

I made it to work okay, even though the roads were a snowy mess and visibility was quite limited between the dark and the pelting snow. I got to work and my classroom had a minor flood from the ceiling and several tiles were broken and on the floor. Welcome back, Weeble.

After work I came home from some errands and proceeded to do some Just Dance 2. I was having a great time and danced for almost 40 minutes until the phone rang. It turned out to be my college bestie from Maine. After the call ended I did another 15minutes of dancing.

The road to weight loss is paved with minutes of Just Dancing.

I need to get myself motivated and get my diabetes under control. I have not tested my blood sugars in well over a week. I haven't had my Victoza shot in days. I almost never take my Glipizide 30 minutes before I eat; I generally take it as I eat. Sometimes I don't take my two doses of Metformin. The diabetes stuff is just out of control but I don't think my numbers are too bad off. Then again, it's hard to know for sure when I'm not testing.

Get it together Weeble before some real damage is done! You can do this, girl.

I see my therapist on Wednesday afternoon and that is another step in the right direction.

My MS symptoms are under better control today also.

All in all, today wasn't bad for the first Monday back to work after vacation.

MS in the New Year

2011-01-02T20:09:00.004-05:00

I have been having issues on and off, all week long with my back. I blame that completely on my MS. Today things are off with my back and my legs. There's a tightness in my back and some weakness in my legs.

Just in time to go back to work!

Oh, that MS is a tricky master...

My mom also called tonight and asked me to go back to mass with her on Saturdays. I guess that is more thawing of the iceberg, something I didn't really expect now. Maybe she feels bad or guilty about what was said a few weeks ago. I'm not sure. I'm just glad I see my therapist this week so I can talk this all out.

Until then I will be dealing with the MS symptoms and hoping this is just an anomaly.

Welcome to 2011

2011-01-01T20:39:00.003-05:00

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Welcome to your new opportunity and I hope you enjoy writing your chapters in 2011!

I don't make resolutions really but I do aim to be a better person than I was the day before. I figure it doesn't cost much to smile at someone or say a few kind words. I may have limited financial resources and sometimes limited mobility, but small kindnesses can be extended that might change a person's day.

Happy New Year, friends!

New Year's Eve 2010

2010-12-31T19:22:00.003-05:00

Can you believe we are on the cusp of another new year? Another month of writing the wrong last two digits in our checkbooks is coming our way again.

It's hard to believe that I will spend a whole year without my Dad in 2011. How is this even possible?

I went out to dinner with my Mom earlier this evening. It was somewhat awkward but I think she is trying to thaw the iceberg between us. Although I'm not sure if she sees the iceberg in the way. I know I do.

I am actually going to hang out with some friends tonight, not drinking, but playing some Wii "Just Dance 2" and I will be able to show off my superior dancing skills. Err, rather what I "think" are my superior dancing skills. I'm not sure if my friends know what they are in for yet.

I hope I don't look like Elaine from "Seinfeld"...

I don't really make resolutions but instead I just try to do and be better than I was the day before. I figure that a smile or a kind word costs nothing but can sure brighten someone's day. I may have limited financial resources and sometimes health concerns, but there are still many things I can do to make my life and the lives of others happier.

Wishing you a healthy, happy and safe new year. Bring on 2011!

Cleaning up

2010-12-27T18:22:00.003-05:00

I packed away most of the Christmas decorations and such and I feel like a GIANT weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Who knew that cleaning up like that would make me feel lighter and freer?

I also have to admit I found a package that I swore I did NOT receive from Kohl's and that they re-sent some of the items express-wise for Christmas Eve. I have to admit, I don't know how I missed it. Now I need to call them and thank them for all that they did and take my lashings with a wet noodle.

I also took a shower today and that has made me feel more like an actual human, as well. Sometimes I know what I need to do to make myself feel better, but I fight it and don't do it.

Like exercise! When will I get myself back into that routine again?

****Taking a break to call Kohl's****

Okay, back from the call to Kohl's and they were wonderfully nice to me for my honesty. I just wanted to make sure I was charged properly for the expedited shipping and such because it was MY fault about the whole thing. And guess what, they are not going to charge me for the expedited shipping because it has already taken place and I was so honest. That would have been an extra 22 dollars just for shipping three very light items, so I really made out!

Not that I suggest you do what I did, which was NOT taking care of my stuff as it arrived and losing track of it. Then again, with Dad dying and my brother leaving for Afghanistan, I was not wholly in my right mind.

As a complete aside, I made some thank you cards for my students who brought me gifts for Christmas. That felt good getting my craft on again.

Christmas

2010-12-26T18:38:00.004-05:00

Well, we all survived Christmas. It was very sad at some points as I missed my Dad terribly.

I feel hollow often because he is no longer on Earth.

I feel empty because my family is no longer what it once was.

I pray that my brother stays safe in Afghanistan.

I also pray that someday my family will reach a new normal that is healthy and happy for ALL of us.

Merry post-Christmas to you.

Almost Christmas

2010-12-22T20:29:00.003-05:00

I'm not really into the whole Christmas thing so much with Dad gone and Mom not all that keen on my existence, although she pretty much calls me every day now.

I do NOT call her as that would be too overwhelming for her.

However, it is apparently okay for her to call me once or twice a day. I just play the role of listener number one during the dialogue.

I'm still hurt beyond belief that we cannot all go to mass together and wake up together on Christmas morning. It's a bitter pill to take when you find out that you're the one no one wants around unless it's beneficial for the other party.

Sigh...

Here's wishing you're doing better in this Christmas season.

Mixed up

2010-12-19T17:34:00.005-05:00

Some anxiety, check!

Some guilt, check!

Some anger, check!

Some depression, check!

Some nervousness, check!

Thank goodness for pre-planning lessons, deep breaths, blogs, Xanax and plenty of sleep. Good things come to those who wait and I am a-waiting. I'm not much in the Christmas spirit right now due to everything going on with my family.

I still can't get over the fact that staying over on Christmas Eve for midnight mass is such a big problem. There is a whole other room with a bed in it. How much could I possibly put people out?

My heart is heavy and saddened by so many things. I miss my Dad. He was the voice of compromise and reason. Now I no longer have an ally in the house I grew up in.

Less than the best

2010-12-17T19:41:00.003-05:00

I am publicly, albeit somewhat anonymously, admitting that I am not perfect. I know that and do not claim to be "all that and a bag of chips".

However, I did not know that it could be pointed out to me once more, yet AGAIN, that I am less than the best. By my mother. Whom I love but I deeply wonder about.

I thought that parents were supposed to love their children unconditionally.

I mean, I know there is the messy adolescent stuff (which is when I suffered from deep depression and hallucinations) but I am generally considered by many to be a decent person, a citizen of good standing, gainfully employed, and for the most part trying to do good in my area of the universe.

The recent falling out with my mother has hurt my heart deeply. I know she is in mourning, grieving the loss of her husband of 35 years.

As mentioned before, my siblings and I tried to do something wonderfully special for my mother. Which she did not want. Instead of just explaining that the gift which we had purchased was too meaningful, too much of a remembrance of my dad, too painful, she and I had a nasty phone conversation. There was a lot of yelling and she eventually just hung up on me.

Three days later she called me back, not to apologize because she saw nothing wrong with her behavior, but because she wanted to now explain why she didn't want the gift. Of course, I pointed out that she could have tried explaining that to me days ago but I was told I was *wrong*. That her personal feelings and thoughts are NOT my business and she will NOT share those things with me.

So instead of just explaining herself with a few sentences that I would have totally understood, she choose to get into "verbal fisticuffs" with me. Because she won't share that she is sad. Because she does not have to explain anything. Because once again I can be her verbal punching bag.

Then to make me feel even less of myself, she told me that I am too much for her. That I ask too much of her. That calling to check on her is overwhelming. That spending time going to church and dinner once a week for two hours can be too much together time.

She tells me this, explaining that it is not to make me feel bad...

Is it to make me feel better, I wonder?

Those of you that know me or have read my story know that my parents and I have had a rough go of it. I am the biggest elephant in the room. The daughter no one wanted but had anyway. The ugly one, the fat one, the one who doesn't look like anyone else but my "other" father who I am not allowed to talk about.

I am tired of being the one who puts forth the effort in this relationship. But this is the dance we dance. She sets me up, I take the bait, she reels me in, punishes me, I feel bad and fall apart. Again and again.

I cannot do this anymore.

My own mother wasn't sure how she felt about me spending the night for Christmas Eve so that my sister, my mother and I could all go to midnight mass. She couldn't commit to me sleeping in the extra room. It might be a day where she can't take me so I made the decision for her.

I won't come.

I cannot continue to try and be where I am not wanted.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

I may be less than the best but I am a damn fine human being and it's too bad that someone who should be able to see that can't be bothered to do so.

Just can't win...

2010-12-16T19:05:00.003-05:00

I tried to do something nice for my mother this week. My brother, sister, and I went in on buying a particular gift that my Dad had wanted to purchase for my mom this year for Christmas.

In the end it blew up in my face and I found out that I am just overwhelming my mom. There was a nasty fight on the phone and the typical family byline of "we don't talk about our feelings". Actually, it's just my mom that can't talk about her feelings which would have gone a long way in diffusing the nasty phone call where she hung up on me.

So I am backing off, way off. No more church on Saturdays and calling each night. I'll call once in a while and not worry that she is allowing herself to get sick again. If she doesn't take care of herself that is her choice and she doesn't take care of herself.

It's easier for her to thrive on the drama and to have people feel bad for her.

I just can't do it anymore and have to take care of me for my own self-preservation.

Almost Christmas

2010-12-12T19:56:00.003-05:00

There are less than two weeks until Christmas, can you believe it?

Me neither!

Tomorrow is a Monday but I have been to my primary care guy and we upped my Xanax so between that and therapy, it should help me get through the day-by-day grind of the week. My goal is to get through this week with maybe a delay or snow day or, dare I say it, even two delays...

Heavy snows are on the way again for Tuesday and Wednesday.

All my Christmas cards are mailed out but I wish I had time to make some more and send them out to more Facebook pals... Next year I'll start earlier. I have made more than 60 cards this year!

I hope everyone is doing well and dealing well with the upcoming holiday season. Hugs to all who are missing someone this year...

Remembering

2010-12-08T14:37:00.005-05:00

Today is the one-month anniversary of my Dad's death. He went into the hospital on November 5th and died on the 8th.

I am not at work again. The anxiety is too much. It reaches into my stomach and pulls everything out until there is just a sick feeling. A feeling that I can't rid myself of and cannot control, one that makes me physically uncomfortable.

I feel safer in my house where no one else can get to me, no one else can see me. I can cry or just curl myself into a ball on the bed, lying motionless.

I am going back to see my trusty and wonderful therapist that I left behind in May. My need for him was over until recently. I must talk to someone about this anxiety.

He is a psychologist not a psychiatrist so he cannot adjust my meds. I feel like I could pop Xanax as if they were sweet tarts. I do not do this, however. More often than not, I forget to medicate myself. My diabetes is currently in charge of my poor pancreas, not me. I need to do better with that. Need to take care of myself all of the time, not just once in a while.

Some days pass quickly, in a blur, and others drag on forever. Sometimes hours are eternities and others mere seconds.

I still feel all the feelings that come with grieving: sadness, anger, guilt, weariness, and selfishness. It's like they have become entities that choose times to do battle with me, when I am peaceful they strike to remind me that no, not everything is okay.

Five years ago, on December 5th I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis so Monday was almost a double whammy. Remembering Dad, remembering that you have MS and stress is not good for it. Meanwhile stress swirls in and out, like a rogue winter wind. Thankfully, the MS has mostly remained under good control. There have been a few bad days where I was just too exhausted and it all caught up with me.

Thank goodness for remission.

Thank goodness for my many friends who continue to support me during this time of adjustment. How do you ever get over the loss? Yet you do, your life moves on, and you must become in charge again.

Thank goodness for the fact that even though there were years of bad blood and resentment, that those days were pushed into the past safely and securely while a new relationship had been building in the present. Therapy and meds have literally saved my life, saved myself from being a victim of all the bad, and turned it all around until I faced everything head on and said, "Okay, this is my best me and I'm not going to take anything less than the best."

Thank goodness for therapy and meds, truly. Without them I would not be here today, sitting in this room, typing out my feelings, tentatively feeling an ounce better than I was when I started this.

Thank goodness for my Dad who used to throw me in the pool over and over forcing me to swim to survive. I now love to swim and that is one of his many gifts to me. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Grief and sadness

2010-12-05T19:09:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is another Monday.

I have a really difficult time with Mondays.

My Dad died on Monday, November 8th at 2:50 p.m. That was the hardest day of my life.

Tonight I am crying and remembering him and that day, how hard it was for my family. How my younger brother fell to his knees weeping after we said goodbye. My brother, over six feet tall, crumpled on the floor sobbing.

How I sit here crying and going through tissues like there's no tomorrow. But there is a tomorrow for me. I know my Dad is with me and wants me to be happy, to not be sad, but that is not easy.

Most of the time I am fine and strong and calm.

And then there are times, like now, when I grieve and am in despair.

Weekend

2010-11-28T18:27:00.003-05:00

Saturday came and I did destinkify myself and manage to do some stuff around the house: laundry and working on some envelopes for Christmas cards. I even made it over to my mom's to go to church and then out for dinner. I also did some Just Dance 2 after I arrived back home.

The major snow stayed away for the day.

Today, Sunday, I slept the day away. I also read a little and watched some TV. Other than that, I pretty much did nothing. I picked up the crafting stuff and kind of put it away; okay, I really just bagged it up and put it on the other couch but that's away enough for now.

My mom went out and bought a live tree for Christmas all by herself today. I'm pretty impressed with that. It's making me think about a real tree instead of my old stand-by artificial one. Either way I think I am tempting fate because Edison climbed that tree a LOT last year. He's a lot bigger now and I think he can topple the whole thing over.

No major snow again today. I'm thankful for that and no snow on the week's horizon either, although I do love a good snow day.

I need to really start checking my blood sugars twice a day every day. I have been very lackadaisical about that. I am fairly good at taking my meds even if they do upset my stomach and give me the runs. Sorry for that visual. I'm almost to the point of taking everything every day but I do take a lot of meds for the MS, depression, and diabetes. Sometimes it just seems like too much and I want to just barf because everything going down my throat is pills, pills, pills.

On the bright side, I just heard from a friend I had lost contact with a few years back. So here's to you PK for a phone call that made my evening. It's so good to be back in touch again. Take care of you and that pneumonia!

Now it's time for more pills to get myself ready for bedtime. I hope everyone had a pleasant Thanksgiving and enjoyed time with family and friends.

Post-turkey rundown

2010-11-26T19:52:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I went over to my mom's and brought the pre-prepared turkey dinner with the trimmings with me. We talked to both my siblings on Skype at the same time and it was *almost* like we were all together.

Of course, we missed Dad.

It still feels like he is around when I am at their house. There are pictures of him in the dining room and his spirit seemed to be with us while we ate. I liked that.

Did I mention that I miss him?

I know lots of people went out shopping today for sales items. I surfed online and bought a lot of stuff from Kohl's. Some stuff for me (okay, lots of stuff for me) and some things for others too. It was free shipping with an extra 15% off the sales prices so I just shopped from my comfy living room in my comfy pajamas.

I never did manage to throw myself into the shower today. I promise to destinkify myself tomorrow. I may even work on stamping some holiday cards. It's supposed to snow a lot here overnight and into Saturday. This will be the first major snowfall for my area.

I still miss my Dad.

Sweet bliss of nothingness

2010-11-24T20:59:00.004-05:00

I had absolutely nothing I HAD to do today even though I did run some errands. I finally made it to the grocery store and I went to Wal-Mart twice. I managed a nap this afternoon with Edison the wonder kitty.

It was nice to just be, to exist, to live with no expectations from anyone.

I even got myself up off my ample buttocks and spent an hour Just Dancing this evening.

I miss my Dad but I am trying to take care of me, along with taking care of my mom.

Happy Turkey Day eve, friends. :)

Vacation, yes!

2010-11-23T20:08:00.003-05:00

I went to work today and made it through okay. I woke up feeling much better than yesterday, without spaghetti legs and the dizziness and wobblies.

Now I have five blissful, beautiful days off for Thanksgiving vacation. Not that I plan on doing much of anything other than sleeping and reading, with some occasional eating thrown in for good measure.

I ordered a turkey dinner with the trimmings for my mom and me to enjoy on Thursday. I just need to pick it up from the grocery store and heft it over to my mom's house. It's all cooked and we just need to reheat it and then I can bring home lots of leftovers.

I hate to say this but another blogger, Mike, just lost his Dad on the 13th. Mike and I both have diabetes and MS and now share the loss of our dads. Too many things in common for now.

I am also praying for my other friends who have lost their dads, especially BJM and Annie, a friend from work who also just lost her dad this month. Ann and I had a nice telephone chat this evening as I reached out to let her know I was thinking about her.

The losing-a-parent club sucks.

Taking care of myself

2010-11-22T16:19:00.004-05:00

I did not go to work today.

When I awoke I was so tired and so dizzy and wobbly that I knew today was just going to be a day for me, a day to take care of myself. My MS and diabetes have been rearing their heads while I have been going through these stressful last few weeks. I have been so very tired on every level.

Tomorrow is the last day of work for the week. I should go in and do my thing but I am going to wait and see how I feel tomorrow. It was all I could do to make the drive to work this morning without drifting off the road. I had slept all night but I am literally on the edge of exhaustion.

Exhaustion with multiple sclerosis is a crazy thing. It's hard to explain to people without MS. It's just such an all-encompassing tiredness, one that every cell feels. Sometimes it is just too much effort to even move. That's part of the reason why when I came home from work (to drop off my plans) I went back to sleep and slept until after three o'clock in the afternoon.

The thing is I am still tired now but I am going to order myself some dinner/lunch. Then maybe I'll take another nap. It's time to take good care of me so I can continue to take care of my family, friends, and students.

Two weeks, still breathing

2010-11-21T19:13:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow will be two weeks since my Dad died.

I have gone back to work and worked four days last week. This week I will work two more days and then have five days off for Thanksgiving break.

Sometimes it is easier than in other moments.

Thanksgiving will be difficult. It will be just my Mom and me. I have ordered a precooked turkey dinner with the fixings for the two of us. I will miss my Dad carving the turkey and sitting at the end of the table. I will miss my brother, who left today for Afghanistan, and my sister, who left last Sunday to go back to Ft. Campbell.

My Mom adopted a little kitten on Friday. His name is Theodore or Teddy Bear. He's adorable and loves my Mom already. I am glad to hear that he purrs loudly and sleeps on the bed with her.

I am grateful my brother had security hooked up for my Mom's house. It will be hard for her tonight, the first night alone without my Dad or my siblings in the house. I am grateful for Teddy being with my Mom tonight.

I am thankful for my supportive friends, especially BJM who unfortunately knows these waters herself after losing her dad four years ago.

I am thankful for all my wonderful students who have missed me and told me so.

I am thankful for many things in my life even during this time of sorrow.

I miss you Daddy.

It's been a week...

2010-11-15T19:16:00.003-05:00

It has now been one week since my Dad died last Monday at 2:50 p.m. How can it be one whole week already?

I took today off as a personal day to sleep and rest. I go back to work tomorrow but I don't really want to do that. Of course, life goes on and I have to get on with life. I'd rather just stay in my apartment or be with my family or sleep. I don't really want to talk to a lot of people or be around people who know. I just want to wallow in a cocoon of sadness until I am ready to be sociable again.

So many people have been kind and have given me good advice. I am grateful for every one of them. It is true what they have written, that I will want to stop the world from spinning while I go through this incredibly personal time of grieving. I don't want other people to be laughing unless I am laughing with them.

This time last year was about when Franklin got sick and had to be put down. I miss him all the time. How do I deal with the loss of a parent if I am still not over my beloved pet? (As an aside, I do love you, Edison.)

How do I take some of the pain away from my Mom?

How do I keep on breathing when my Dad can no longer do that on Earth?

How, how, how?

Breathing in and out

2010-11-14T09:39:00.003-05:00

My mom's brother leaves today to return to Minnesota. My sister leaves tonight to return to Fort Campbell. My brother is here through next Sunday. That leaves me and my mom to stay here in this place where there is no longer my Dad on this Earthly plain.

For now I focus on breathing in and out and taking one step at a time.

I slept fairly well last night and feel much better today. I am toying with the idea of taking Monday off to sleep and rest up for the long week ahead with parent-teacher conferences.

It is odd to think that we have buried my dad. His spirit is still strong in their house. I wonder when the full magnitude of his loss will hit me...

People have been extraordinarily kind during this past week. Cards, visits, food, coming to the calling hours and the funeral, and kind words/messages in real life and on Facebook. I have been blessed and showered in an outpouring of love.

It feels weird to write but somehow I still consider myself a lucky woman.

The day of...

2010-11-12T20:31:00.003-05:00

Today was my Dad's funeral. It's been a surreal experience, beginning with him becoming ill last Friday to today when he was placed in the ground. This business of losing a parent and grieving them exacts a heavy toll.

I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally. I feel like I could sleep for a week. Maybe I will...

A letter to my Dad

2010-11-11T13:09:00.001-05:00

Dad,

This isn't what we had planned to be doing today but life happened. Instead we will be burying you this week.

I don't know if you remember this but when I was much younger, in elementary school, I wrote a poem and showed it to you. You liked it and took it down to the Independent-Mirror and they published it.

You don't know this, although maybe you do now that you're in Heaven, but I am still a writer. I am a lax writer, but one nonetheless. I have a blog that has had over twenty thousand hits. People actually read what I write. You encouraged me to do that, by starting so many years ago with that poem.

I remember the year that you and Mom bought me ice skates for Christmas. I was very young and we lived in the trailer. I wanted a pair of skates desperately and you made sure that they were under the tree. I never used those skates but you got them for me anyway. It was a wish fulfilled...

I remember turtle tongue and I still will not eat cube steak today.

I remember spaghetti and meatballs, my favorite meal that you made.

I remember driving and taking the corner by Beck's on two wheels, almost ripping your staples out.

I remember the rough times where we bickered and fought constantly but I am grateful for the years we had after where you allowed me to grow into the person I am now.

I remember my own Christmas cards from you on the tree. I remember your distinctive handwriting. I will miss it.

I will miss teasing you about being a gambleaholic.

I will miss hearing you tell me about your poker winnings.

I will miss your voice on the telephone when I call Mom.

I will miss your hugs when I leave the house on holidays.

I will miss you in so many ways along with so many other people. I have heard about your many special qualities from people on Facebook and the many things you did to help people.

You were our social butterfly, our enraged driver at times, our voice of reason when we were worried about what Mom would think.

You were our miracle man, living far beyond what was expected.

Now it is time for you to experience the glory and splendor of heaven. You can be with Uncle Johnny and Grandma and Grandpa again. There will be no more pain for you and you will watch over us from above. Please know that I will take care of Mom and help her adjust to a life without you here on Earth.

With all my love,
Julia

Anxiety

2010-10-30T19:26:00.003-04:00

Do you ever feel anxious? I have been feeling that way much more lately and it's bothering me. Work is sometimes glorious and sometimes horrible. The horrible part is what I fixate on and how I usually end my day. I hate that I let the awful overrule the goodness. Is that just human nature or what?

It makes me feel weak to admit that some things at work are getting to me. I am usually the one who is strong and in control of everything. I fight MS and diabetes and do it my own way, on my own terms.

I am normally not afraid but I am feeling uneasy about things and I don't like that. Not one bit...

The good with the bad

2010-10-19T19:51:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was a great day to have off for a doctor and a Tysabri appointment. It was a lovely Fall day and I had a pleasant ride to and from both appointments. Nothing to really report on the MS front but the bad news is that my guy is leaving the practice in two weeks. Major bummer.

I'll be moved over to the existing neurologist but I don't really understand him well when he speaks. I guess I'll just need to focus really hard when I see him from now on. The other new neuro coming in knows nothing about Tysabri so she isn't an option for me, according to my guy.

Yesterday was also my 2 year anniversary of Tysabri infusions. I was grading papers when I looked down and saw that my IV had come undone and blood was gushing out all over the floor and my hand. It was very messy but my white sweatshirt came out unscathed somehow.

I tried to pay my Tysabri bill but it was all messed up yet again. I just had received a bill for 1800 dollars and some change a few weeks back. I supposedly owe less than five hundred dollars but every time I call I get another story. So I try to pay yesterday and they tell me there is no balance. Go figure.

Oh, and I don't have the antibodies for the JC virus. Yippee.

Work today was okay. It was work but I came home and cleaned up a bit to be prepared for next Friday's 2nd annual Just Dance Extravaganza at my place. I need to have these social events a few times a year so that my apartment gets weeded out.

It's all good in the end.

A little bit fraudulent

2010-10-10T19:44:00.004-04:00

I posted my A1C and glucose levels yesterday. They're much better than I thought they would be and I am delighted about that. But I must come clean...

Sometimes, often times, I take my blood sugar when I know it will be low so I can record it. I have been a little bit fraudulent with my readings therefore but I am overall doing much better than I ever thought, as evidenced by the A1C. You can't fake that as it is the the last three months worth of readings averaged out.

So here I am trying to cut down on my carbs at night and starting on a new diabetes med called Victoza. Victoza is a daily shot, not insulin, but another new med that works with the pancreas. I am no longer on Actos and I have been on this new med for a little over a week now. It has a side effect of weight loss and I think I am eating less on it, even though I have been dealing with major hormones the last few days. Losing weight and pulling lower numbers at all times would be a great thing for me to do.

I am also slowly getting back into using my Wii. I have been dancing and boxing a few days a week. Way better than my doing nothing. I still need to lose about ten pounds to get back to my lower weight (and then keep going from there).

Work is going well even with one stressful class. I seem to be doing okay with the major change in grades and learning all 100+ kiddos. I am healthy and happy and thriving even with the new obstacles.

I guess I'll keep on keeping on!

Good news

2010-10-08T20:33:00.003-04:00

New A1C results are in: went from a 10.2 to a 7.5 in less than three months and an average glucose of 300 to 162. I am super pleased with those numbers; they're better than I thought they would be!

Also, my eighth period class was tolerable today and I am now free to relax and enjoy the next three days off from work. Woot woot!

Lunch out and some shopping tomorrow with BJM to spend time together and to give her her presents. I hope she likes them. :)

Box it out

2010-10-07T19:13:00.003-04:00

That's what BJM said to me earlier this evening on the phone when I was commenting about the stress that I was feeling. Maybe you should go box it out. So I did and by golly, that woman is on to something. I feel so much better and more positive.

Tomorrow is Friday which means a three-day weekend and an extra day of rest.

Booyah.

Pardon the dust

2010-10-06T17:47:00.004-04:00

I wish I could say that the blog has been under renovation and that's why I have been away but alas that is not the case. I've just been plain old busy, sometimes lazy, and occasionally playing hooky at the same time. I beg your forgiveness for my slothful ways.

Back to the telling of the birthday bonanza weekend...

Saturday was a bust with my big surprise and not being able to scrapbook. Sunday was much better because my bestie BJM took me out to dinner with her family. I also got a totally awesome gift from BJM and a lovely card. The gift was a beautiful necklace from Tiffany and Co. complete with the blue box! Talk about a surprise. Woot woot!

Monday came and with it my birthday lunch at work. That was okay but my parents came over after work for the real big surprise delivery. We sat for 90 minutes waiting and finally the gift arrived. It was a gorgeous leather sofa in Seattle coffee bean brown. It was somewhat on my radar but I was thinking maybe a recliner, not a whole sofa. I was delighted and shocked.

Tuesday came with two more gifts from my sis in Afghanistan: a gift card to Kohl's and a set of margarita glasses. And then, as quickly as it had come, the birthday hoopla was over.

Whew, 40 is great.

Work is going well although I am letting my last class stress me out. All the other classes are good to great. The last class has some wonderful children in it and then some that are not so wonderful. The last handful of non-wonderful ones are making me stressed out. A girl with MS doesn't need that. Hey, a girl without MS doesn't need that. No one needs that.

Deep sigh! I need to start exercising and doing yoga again. I need that release of tension and endorphins. So off I go...

My birthday weekend

2010-09-25T17:43:00.003-04:00

I have been missing the blog but I have been so busy this week that there hasn't been much time left over for writing. The middle to the end of the week was busy with Wednesday's Tysabri infusion in the afternoon, Thursday night's visit to see some retired friends and then the Meet the Teachers' Barbecue, and Friday started the beginning of my birthday weekend extravaganza.

Friday was a long day filled with three fire drills (with a blocked entrance), my yearly observation by the principal (which went superbly), and a delivery of lovely flowers from my sister who is in the Army in Afghanistan. Then I had the pleasure of being treated to dinner out by some friends who happen to own a fantastic hair salon. It was a new place to me with fabulous food. We were allowed to bring in some sangria and a chocolate oreo cheesecake for dessert. Michael Buble' also played several times on their sound system so I was in heaven with all that and some presents going on!

Today was a bit of a bust. I had had plans to go scrapbooking with my pal BJM all day for many months. Then about a month ago my mother called up and told me that I HAD to CANCEL my plans so I would be home on Saturday. I was none too pleased with this but she insisted because "something" was supposed to be delivered on Saturday that my father had to pay for on delivery. She even told me that she would call BJM herself and tell her I was not coming. So I did what I was told even though I already had made plans months in advance and my friend could not get the money back for my not showing up. (It was her present to me and something I was looking forward to for a long time.)

Regardless, I was now supposed to be home on Saturday. The delivery people were SUPPOSED to call and give me a delivery time on Friday. NO call. My parents finally got ahold of someone this morning and found out that there are NEVER deliveries on the weekend! Talk about being steamed... I REALLY wanted to go scrapbooking all day and I gave it up for nothing. Now the delivery is coming on Monday after work which is what I asked my parents to do in the first place but my mother MADE me give up my plans because she said there was no way they could change it.

Alas, I did many chores today and had a monumental nap. BJM went scrapbooking with another friend, in lieu of me, and when we talked on the phone she said it was a great place to be scrapping. We are planning on going in January when no one we know has a birthday.

Sunday I will go out for lunch with BJM and her mom as my actual birthday day is the same as the anniversary of her parents. Her dad is no longer alive so we will work on keeping her mom's spirits up. And she bought me a present!

I will be 40 tomorrow and I am so excited. I am fairly healthy, besides the being obese part, I am happy with work, I have great friends and a family that means well, and I have Edison the cat. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

Monday brings a shared birthday lunch with another 6th grade teacher and my delivery of the mystery object. It had better be good and not be a stair stepper or something weird that I have no interest in. Heck, I deserve something nice after losing out on today.

Happy last day of being 39 to me!

Monday, Monday

2010-09-20T19:28:00.004-04:00

Another Monday down and many, many more work weeks to go! It's good to have a purpose and a passion in life. It's also good to be getting a paycheck again. A single gal has to pay the bills still, you know.

I'm trying to cut down on the carbo-loading after work. It's a struggle because I come home so hungry and I can't wait to get something in my gullet. I did exercise tonight with my Just Dance and my back is feeling better. I also started working on my lesson plans for my yearly observation this Friday.

I have a half day off on Wednesday for my Tysabri infusion. Thursday night is Meet the Teachers' Night and a Family BBQ from 5:30-7:30. Friday night is dinner out with friends for an early birthday celebration. On Saturday my parents are having something delivered as a birthday present. And Sunday is the big event itself, the 4-0! I may even go out again on Sunday with BJM if I can stay awake long enough.

I'm excited about turning 40 because I am fairly healthy, have some great friends, am gainfully employed, and I'm on the right side of the dirt!

2010-09-18T20:33:00.004-04:00

"I will survive, hey hey." Great words from an old song but words that ring true. I made it through the whole first full week of work. Yippee. By Friday I was tired and limped through the day but I survived.

I am so proud of me for that!

I am making it up as I go along as far as what I want the class to be. There may be more changes as I trudge along in the trenches but that's okay. I have that flexibility in my position. I am getting used to the schedule and some days the day is over before I can even believe it. Then again, some days certain periods drag. It's all good though.

I'm healthy and happy and energized through my Provigil. That stuff is my miracle because without it there is no way I would be able to function well enough to work. I do not take it on the weekends unless there is something special that I have to attend to that needs me awake. That means I sleep the weekend away basically. Today, for example, I woke up around six and felt energetic. I went to the kitchen to chop up veggies for a beef stew and then went shopping around seven a.m. After that was done I put the groceries away and had a carb-filled breakfast (a no no). It wasn't nine yet but I was sleepy so I went up to take a snooze.

The snooze lasted until 1:40!

I stayed up for about 30 minutes and then felt sleepy again. Back to bed I went and I was out until 5:40! I basically slept my day away but my body needed it. That's how strong my fatigue is even though I am now sleeping through the night. I live in a bubble of exhaustion.

But the point is I am living and thriving, even if it is better living through pharmaceuticals.

More good words to live by...

2010-09-17T21:51:00.003-04:00

1.) Don't sweat the small stuff.

2.) It's all small stuff.

(Provided from another source)

Not my words but good ones nonetheless...

2010-09-14T20:22:00.003-04:00

You are more than food.

You are stronger than a craving.

You are more complicated than a habit.

You're more thoughtful than mindless eating.

(Provided to me from a friend who saw this in a magazine)

Fatigue

2010-09-11T20:59:00.005-04:00

I took yesterday off from blogging because of my crazy fatigue from going back to work. I had a great nap after I came home from work. I survived the first week back, just 39 more weeks to go! LOL

I was so tired today that I slept past nine in the morning and took two naps. This going-back-to-work thing takes a lot of energy. I am taking my Provigil to keep me awake and alert and that helps during the day. My blood sugars have been great for lunch and breakfast but I feel like I am carbo loading at dinner time. I'm not eating enough during the day so when I get home I am starving and eat everything in sight. Okay, not everything but my choices are not always the best.

I go to see my primary care provider this week, the next week is my Tysabri infusion, and the next week is an appointment with the diabetes nurse educator for the second time. I'll be at the neurologist's two weeks after the DNE. I'm making the rounds of all my health care providers so I should be in top top shape in a month or so!

I'll be starting the Victoza when I go to see the DNE at the end of the month. The daily shot doesn't bother me, especially after being on Copaxone. I just don't want to be on insulin unless I absolutely have to be and right now I don't think that is the right avenue for me.

I have not exercised formally for three days now. My back spasms are getting better, fewer and farther in between. I do have a new Wii game that just arrived today. It's the Gold's Gym Dance Workout. It has lots of the dances from Zumba on it so maybe I'll get more booty and hip shaking when I do it.

Tomorrow I have to firm up my plans for the next week at work. Monday through Wednesday I teach English Language Arts and Thursday and Friday are Math days. I play math games daily during 9th period on a rotating basis with different classes. I think I may start a novel on Monday.

Oh how life has changed now that vacation is over! It's a good, positive change though and I'm glad to be productive and busy again.

Happy weekend everybody. :)

Tired

2010-09-09T19:29:00.003-04:00

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I am also so glad tomorrow is Friday and the end of my work week. My feet hurt a little, my back is spasming now and then, but I am teaching and doing well at it if I say so myself.

Maybe I'll have more insight and energy come this weekend. Until then I send you good, healthy and happy vibes.

Updates

2010-09-08T19:17:00.003-04:00

I finally got to speak with the diabetes nurse educator this evening. We agreed that I should stop the Actos due to the weight gain (15 pounds). I will be starting a new medication called Victoza which is a daily shot, but it is not insulin. One of the side effects is weight LOSS (yippee!). I won't start that until the end of the month when I go back to see the diabetes nurse educator in person.

School went well, better than I probably expected. I made it through the day and no one got lost between all the switching for classes. Tomorrow we do some real work and that will separate the wheat from the chaff. I'm hoping that my enthusiasm will help to motivate everyone else to at least attempt the math problems I'll be tossing their way.

I also slept through the night again, until 4 a.m. Then I was up and puttering around on Facebook before I did my Zumba and Just Dance. It's nice to get the exercise done before work even though I have had lots of energy afterwards. The Provigil is definitely doing its job in keeping me awake and alert.

That's it for now. Night all!

Back to school

2010-09-07T19:47:00.002-04:00

Okay, I went to work today for some meetings in the morning and then I worked in my classroom. It looks good in there after many, many hours of hard labor. I think I am ready for tomorrow when the kiddos come. I have my ninety dollars of copies made, flash cards, and lots of stuff to talk about for our forty-two minute periods.

I'm nervous but excited too. I hope to sleep through the night again (like last night!) and wake up with the same eagerness as today. I'll be taking my Provigil in the morning, eating a light breakfast and hoping I make it to lunch okay without my sugar dropping through the floor.

I also need to call the diabetes nurse educator again because we didn't connect today. My weight gain needs to be discussed *and* dealt with. I'm working really hard to get my diabetes under control and it's frustrating to see my weight balloon like crazy when my eating habits are improving so much.

That's it for now. Here's hoping I can share some more enthusiasm tomorrow...

Pieces and bits

2010-09-06T19:43:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow is the first day of the new school year. We have meetings in the morning, a free luncheon, and then time to work in our classrooms. Mine is in great shape from all the time I put in last week and the week before with BJM's help. (Thanks again BFF!)

Today I went to Wal-Mart for a few more school supplies and some school snacks. After that I went to Staples to get copies made. I thought I'd splurge and have them made for me so I didn't have to wait forever at the copy machine. I thought the whole shebang would cost around twenty dollars. Not so much.

When the cashier rang me up it cost ninety dollars for the copies. Ninety bucks! Can you imagine? I never thought to ask about the price per copy but it was eighty cents each. That boggles my mind. Live and learn.

Yesterday I ordered two new Wii workout games: the new Just Dance 2 which is coming out on October 12 and the Gold's Gym Dance Workout. I have also heard that there is a Zumba Wii game coming out in a few months that I will keep my eye on. Look at me choosing to purchase things that are healthy for me!

Sending this to print now because I am sleepy and thinking about heading to bed early because I have to get up with the alarm tomorrow morning. Nighty night!

Feeling....

2010-09-05T19:57:00.003-04:00

Okay, I just lost my post so I am feeling ticked off. Sigh, I'll try again tomorrow.

Better

2010-09-04T20:24:00.002-04:00

Blood sugar readings today were much better. Whew! Now I can breathe a sigh of relief. Tomorrow will just have to be another repeat of today and then so on. I will get my diabetes under control. I AM getting my diabetes under control.

I did get lots of sleep today which was delicious in its own right. I also exercised with my Wii and Just Danced for 40 minutes. I got the car's headlight changed and then went to the movies afterward. I saw the new Drew Barrymore/Justin Long movie "Going the Distance". Sadly, I wouldn't give it much of a review. I didn't care for the gratuitous use of the F-word and the sexual jokes much. I'm not a prude by any means but this movie just didn't work for me.

I think I may be going to see George Clooney's "The American" tomorrow. The ratings for that weren't stellar but at least he's eye candy for me. Better eye candy than real candy.

School is coming in a matter of days. I need to have some copies run at Staples because I forgot my copier number at school. I need some stuff for the first few days to tide me over until I get my number emailed to me again. I'm still nervous about work but it's a little late for the full-on freak-out to happen. I'm teaching a new grade and that's that. Keep me in your thoughts come Wednesday, please!

All around a much better day today, even if my jeans were tight!

Blank

2010-09-03T20:23:00.003-04:00

What to write about, what to write about? I'm a little blank on a specific topic although I will admit that I am mad at myself for doing some pre-marathon carb loading without a marathon in sight.

My blood sugar numbers were phenomenal yesterday. Then this morning I went shopping at 4 a.m. I was picking out some delicious looking tomatoes when I saw the biggest glazed donut. Ever.

And then I walked over and bagged it to take home and eat.

That's not even the worst of it. I also bought potato chips, buy one get one free. What in Hades was I thinking? I am a food addict and I had just bought my drugs for the day. My carb hit came quick and fast when I got home. In went the donut, in went potato chips. Up went my glucose.

Stupid, stupid, stupid move.

I am so disappointed in myself for throwing the previous day's hard work right out the door. And it was hard work as I really limited my carbs and made conscious choices to eat more protein. This diabetes thing is not easy. I thought I would have it licked by now. I stopped eating dinner out almost all the time, cut out the frappes, and even stopped the Dunkin' Donut runs. I am working out about 5 days a week. I have started cooking more healthy meals in my crock pot. I have to watch each thing I put in my mouth.

Some days the numbers are great and some days they stink.

I need to keep at this and not let my mind go blank when I make food choices. I do not want to be on insulin. I want to get this diabetes under my control. I cannot control my MS but I can put forth 100% effort to do everything I can to beat back diabetes.

Something revolutionary

2010-09-02T20:04:00.005-04:00

I just learned something new, something life-changing from my friend BJM tonight. They apparently make these things called liners for crock pots aka slow cookers!

Who knew?

Not me and now I am giddy with anticipation at purchasing them and, even better, using them in my crock pot. Those of you who are my FB pals know I use the crock pot a lot, usually at least 2-3 times a week. That's a lot for a single gal who eschews making her own dinner.

Now I can clean even less than I already do! Woohoo...

In other news my diabetes nurse educator has told me that my glucose levels have to get low and stay low or she is putting me on insulin in a few weeks. I absolutely don't want that so I have taken my bagel out of my morning line-up. I am convinced that I can get my numbers down lower and I will accomplish this come Hades or high water from Hurricane Earl.

I am also almost done with my classroom. I have emptied all my boxes and all the boxes I inherited from my friend who has retired. Now I just have to sort through some more stuff and put it away. My SMART board is up and my computer is now attached to my printer in my room. I have my homeroom list and I'm delighted to say that I have several students from last year in my first class. I still need to actually plan what I am going to teach the first week but procrastination is the mother of invention or something like that.

I think I may actually spoil myself and go to the movies twice this long weekend. I am interested in George Clooney (who isn't?) and his new thriller along with Drew Barrymore's romantic comedy.

I am also considering joining a gym! We have a Planet Fitness opening up in October in my little town and they have a great joining offer. I'd like to get some ideas about training my portly little body (yes, I know that was an oxymoron). I love my Zumba but I know weight training is also important in keeping bones healthy and strong. Cross training wouldn't hurt my bod either.

I guess that's enough for now. Night all!
Weebs

The battle

2010-09-01T06:39:00.004-04:00

It feels as if my body is doing battle each day. Food vs. no food, exercise vs. rest, sleep vs. waking hours. I'm always making decisions about my poor body and not always for the best.

Right now I am literaly exhausted but I just woke up. How can that be? Because I was up early AGAIN, my sleep was interrupted around three in the morning, as it always is. Right now I cannot even summon the energy for a deep breath. Typing takes total focus but I feel my eyes trying to shut.

I live in the early part of the day like this. I am so tired, so worn out, and yet I cannot get enough rest. Even my last dream of the morning featured me on the beach, pockets filled with sand, buried in the sand, sick and unable to move.

When school starts next week the battle will ramp itself up. I will take my Provigil to fight the exhaustion but I need to start sleeping all night. I cannot function like this when I have to work; heck, I can't function like this when I don't have to work.

Every day is also an exercise battle. Should I or shouldn't I? I know I should but will I actually do it? I tend to work out in the evening after dinner to help lower my blood sugar. That's a good thing, a great thing, but this morning I can barely take that deep breath. It's as if working out has left me drained later on.

I will, however, drag my behind in to work later this morning. I have some more boxes to go through and filing cabinets to empty out. I have lunch scheduled with a friend. I also need to call the diabetes nurse again with my latest blood sugar readings.

I will do what I need to do and hope my body will help take care of what is left.

Sneaking

2010-08-31T19:21:00.003-04:00

I recently started corresponding with a new friend about food issues via email. In the course of our conversation it brought up this memory about sneaking food.

I remember a time from my childhood where I snuck some food because I felt I needed it. It was as if there were some magnetic draw between myself and the food. I had to have it.

I was probably a tween and it was definitely summer. I remember wearing shorts, remember sitting at the kitchen table, remember it being the weekend. My mother was making lasagna and had taken a brick of mozzarella and shredded it by hand with a grater.

She left the room and the fresh pile of cheese behind. I got up to eat a little bit, stuffing it into my mouth quickly. Then I went back for more.

My father came charging into the kitchen questioning me about the cheese. Had I taken some? Where was it?

I had heard him coming and hidden the cheese under my leg, my right leg, as I sat at the table. He made me open my mouth. No cheese. He looked around and then discovered the hidden food. I remember a lot of yelling and my mother coming back into the room, looking at me, while I sat shamefacedly.

I think I had been in the room to be close to my mother who worked a lot. I remember the feeling of shame, the embarassment, the guilt. I had stolen from her, from them, and in doing so removed myself even further from her.

Why did I have to sneak that cheese? Why was I compelled to eat? Why couldn't I just sit there like a good girl, a normal girl? Why did I have to let my mother down again?

Hiding

2010-08-30T19:07:00.003-04:00

How do you hide an overweight woman? Answer- in plain sight underneath all the fat and flab. A big girl learns to hide under specially chosen clothes, with a big smile, ready to deflect any conversation about herself to talk about others.

If she sees a mirror she flinches and looks away. She does not want to see her ever expanding girth. She does not want to see the thick waist, the belly that hangs down, the wide hips. She dresses in silence, willing herself not to see the X's in front of the L or the 2's as a first digit in pants or shorts sizes.

She pretends she is a normal size, just slightly bigger. To do otherwise would lead to a further loss of self-esteem. She has so little now that it would seem cruel to add more fuel to the fire.

When she does her Zumba that is the only time when she feels good. The only time her body does not betray her. The only time when she feels powerful, strong, lovely. Is it that time she treasures and holds tight when reality tries to slip back in.

It is better than nothing.

Stretch

2010-08-29T13:02:00.005-04:00

I remember being young and fat, of course. I was always chubby and I was always embarrassed by it. I had to get clothes in the bigger kids' section, the Missy Plus area. In second grade my pants split and everyone on the playground saw my underpants. In fourth grade I noticed red marks appearing on my skin, especially my belly.

Imagine my shame when one afternoon I was playing on the floor with my little baby brother. My shirt went up and my big round belly was exposed. Both my parents saw the stretch marks.

I was immediately pounced upon verbally by both of them. They were ashamed of me and my weight and my stretch marks. There was a verbal barrage of how bad it was to be so young with those marks. I was branded forever, taught to be further embarrassed by a body that wasn't seemingly under my own control.

Once again my body let me down, I let me down, and I let my family down. That's an awful lot for a little girl to carry on her little shoulders.

Tuckered

2010-08-28T19:54:00.004-04:00

Do people still say they're tuckered out? If they do then good because I am tuckered out. Also, I'm slightly annoyed because yesterday's post which was spell-checked still had errors in it after I saved the changes. But I digress...

I was tired on Thursday after working in the classroom with BJM for a few hours. She did a ton of work and I did a lot for my "easily distracted sensibilities". Then on Friday I woke up with pink eye and felt like I had been hit by a bus. Today I was up from about 2:45 a.m. until shortly after 6 puttering around like I usually do each morning. Again, I felt like I had been hit by a bus and then dragged for a few blocks.

It also got a wee bit hotter here today, out of the 70's and about 85 degrees. The heat just wipes me out with my multiple sclerosis.

No school yet but I must go in this week and finish up the room. So much to do, so little time and I am just plain old wiped out.

The great equalizer

2010-08-27T19:16:00.005-04:00

I just finished my Zumba Cardio Party DVD and I feel absolutely sweaty and fantastic. When I feel logy and down I have to remember to force myself to put in a workout and do it. I did NOT want to do Zumba tonight but I told myself I'd just do at least 20 minutes, which I often tell myself, and then I often end up doing the whole fifty minutes or so. Good for me, in more ways than one.

Exercise is the great equalizer. If you do it right you get that endorphin high the experts all talk about. I do it right when I do Zumba and I love it. There is nothing like the feeling when your body has completed a strong, cardio workout where your heart is beating faster, your breathing is deeper, and the sweat is pouring into the bandana wrapped around your head. Afterwards you glow, okay maybe I only glisten, but I feel like a million bucks. I don't focus on the fat and flab. Instead I thank my body for going through the dancing motions and holding up during the tough times.

I am not an official spokesperson for Zumba but I do enjoy flopping around, pretending I am doing all those dances and moves correctly. I especially love the Samba. I like pretending that the guy in the back row with the cute bod is actually smiling at me. I like pretending that Beto, the instructor, can actually see me and is thanking me, just me, for attending the Cardio Party with him.

I thank Zumba for making me feel more gorgeous, more competetent, healthier, and stronger when in reality I am an overweight woman with pink eye. (Yes, you read that right. I go to school for one day with no children and catch pink eye.) Some days all you can do is laugh and then do your Zumba.

Something to consider

2010-08-26T20:33:00.002-04:00

"Sometimes good things in life fall apart so better things can fall together."

I put this on my Facebook page this afternoon because I thought it was so wonderful. Thoughts?

The "S" word

2010-08-25T17:54:00.005-04:00

What to write about...

I've got a streak going here where I have written every day in August. School starts in September so that means I'll most likely be losing that streak because I will be busy, busy, busy with either planning, or naps and planning, or naps and planning and exercise. There may be some teeth gnashing in there too. Also, possibly some wailing and I know there will be some kvetching because my feet will hurt.

Tomorrow I will be going in with BJM to work in my classroom. It may be gruesome as I am not anywhere near as organized and helpful as she is. My idea of cleaning is taking everything out of the boxes and then walking around with one thing, placing it here and there and being interrupted by things like breathing and feeling the air-conditioning. BJM is on top of these sorts of things but I'm not sure if she knows exactly what she is getting herself into which is my good luck.

I have a huge room, a double room actually with air-conditioning which means that my old room, which I miss already, was half the size and twice as hot. It's (my old room) under construction at the moment so no one inhabits it yet. I will never get that room back as I have changed grades but I am looking forward to the new huge room. The only drawback is that I have no windows but I am across from a teachers' bathroom. That will be coming in handy for sure.

So tomorrow is a day back at school with an old friend who will be looking at school through new eyes. I hope my computer and SMART board are up and running so I can share that with her. The technology is great and seems really cool to us older folks who graduated 21 years ago.

I guess it makes it fitting that my finger nails are painted bright pink with the color called Back to the Fuchsia. Gotta love a play on words...

Taking chances

2010-08-24T18:58:00.003-04:00

What would you do if you could not fail?

I ask my students to respond to that question in my classroom. I'm always amazed at what they write. Now it's time for me to ask myself the same thing.

Just what would I do?

I'd get healthy and beat back the demons of obesity and diabetes. I'd actually write more and dream about writing less. I'd find myself in a healthy relationship with an intelligent and respectful man. I'd be all that at work.

I'd be unstoppable. Solid, fun, interesting. Healthy, involved in life, living out loud.

So what's holding me back?

The same crap that gives me high blood sugar numbers and hasn't moved the scale down in weeks. The same crap that whispers in my ear, "You're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough." The same crap that hasn't been dealt with in years about family issues and my feeling of being unwanted. The messy stuff, that's what holds me back.

What's holding you back from living the life of your dreams?

Infused

2010-08-23T19:18:00.004-04:00

I sit perched on the edge of my recliner writing in my journal with my free-from-Staples red pen. I'm watching E! while chewing on a Dunkin' Donuts cookie and occasionally sipping my small caramel frappe. Yep, I'm plugged into my IV; it's hooked into my left hand, taped above the Silly Bandz on my wrist.

It's infusion day for my Tysabri, the liquid gold medicine for my multiple sclerosis. I'm at the infusion center where I'll be for about two hours while my medicine and then some saline will drip into my veins. This medicine seems to be keeping me in remission which is a wonderful thing. It's also wonderful that I have insurance, a good neurologist that was willing to prescribe this, and an infusion center about 50 minutes from my house.

I'm a lucky girl.

I am lucky. I have a good job and I live in a beautiful area, one small block from gorgeous Lake Ontario. I have great insurance with low prescription co-pays. I work in tandem with great medical providers. I am lowering my blood sugars. I have a handful of close friends that I can count on. I have a blog that I adore and people who read it.

What's not to like?

Marriage: A True Story

2010-08-22T19:15:00.003-04:00

I married an idiot. Honestly, I did. I knew better but I did it anyway. My favorite "wasband" story is this one.

One day my ex was making a cake from a box mix. He put the ingredients in the bowl and then mixed them with his hand, his literal hand, because those were the directions on the box. Forget the picture of the spoon in the woman's hand.

Doh!

Full

2010-08-21T17:48:00.004-04:00

Why is it that some of us choose to eat past the point of comfortableness and go straight to full? Is it because we feel we're lacking in some way, that somewhere there is an emptiness that we are trying to rid ourselves of?

For me filling my stomach makes me feel something. I feel when most of the time I just glide through my life on a sort of invisible track, going through the same motions day to day.

I feel full, weighted as if I do indeed exist on this planet. Days can pass now where I sit in my apartment and see no one else, interact with no one else. But if I eat I take up space. I can be seen whereas before I was empty, full of air. I eat to be hidden from view yet I eat to be viewed as well.

How is that possible? How can one be empty and full at the same moment? Simply because what I am filling up is not the part of me that needs support and love. The empty parts of me are the ones that are the most sacred, the most needy, the most deserving. Yet I share them the least.

When will I learn it's okay to be filled with happiness, delight, wonder and self-acceptance? When will I learn that eating does not, will never, can not fill the voids in my life? All it does is make me bigger on the outside instead of on the inside.

Oh cr@p!

2010-08-20T17:14:00.004-04:00

This morning I was deeply humbled by an incident that made me grateful for my current good health. It was early and I was checking my blood sugar. I had just hit the button on the lancet when I realized I needed to go. Yeah, that "kind" of go. And I went as I was dripping the blood on my glucose strip.

You should have seen me. There I was bloody and trying to do the responsible thing for my diabetes as my multiple sclerosis "reared" (oh my, what a pun) its ugly head. In case you're wondering, I didn't quite make it in time which is why this post is aptly titled.

I rarely write about my MS because I am in remission but I do have bladder and bowel issues. I just tend not to mention them because it's embarrassing. Who wants to admit they cr@pped their pants? This happens more than I care to admit, about once a month or so but the feeling that I have to go sometimes comes upon me so quickly that I have to whip my apartment door open after shopping or hang up on friends to get to the bathroom. Sometimes I barely make it.

It's not so bad if you pee yourself but doing number two on you is not something you brag about to your friends. Some of my friends know that I have these issues but most people don't. I take Ditropan to help with the frequent urination. When I go out or am at work I limit my food and liquid intake. Thankfully this year I am right across the hall from a bathroom.

The diabetes meds all cause me some sort of diarrhea. That's the stuff that can hit me like that, making me squirm while someone is talking to me at work. My stomach starts to churn and gurgle and I know I have to leave in the next few seconds. People at work don't know I'm about ready to cr@p my pants so they just keep talking while I look for a way out of the conversation.

So if you see me walking quickly down the hallway to the restroom, don't stop me!

Things could be much worse so the only thing left to do is clean yourself up, buy more big girl panties and chuckle at the messy stuff that is coming your way. :)

Again

2010-08-19T13:03:00.004-04:00

After yesterday's post I realized that I needed to regroup and get focused. I need to start a new way of eating again. It's time for me to be conscious and to follow the guidelines that Geneen Roth puts forth in her books.

When I do what she's suggested I do better and feel better. When I slow things down and give that time while eating back to myself, it's magical. Less food fills me up. I make better choices. It takes longer to eat because I am tasting the actual food instead of just shoving it down.

I wonder if food will ever not have this pull over me. Why are some people able to just eat, to just sustain themselves with food? Why are others of us seemingly tortured day in and out, trying to eat well and get or stay thin?

Who decided that some of us see food as only fuel while others view food as friend, foe, solace, and comfort?

I have been chubby to overweight to obese for most of my life. When I was thin I was only that way due to an eating disorder. I have had a disordered view of food, weight and eating for as long as I can remember.

I'm trying to change that though, again...

2010-08-18T18:40:00.003-04:00

We know too much of a good thing is just still too much and therefore not really a good thing. Lately I have been having issues with too much, specifically my weight and my blood sugar. My glucose levels are slowly coming down but are still not in the normal range. I know this is because I am still enjoying a one-sided, unrequited love affair with carbs. Specifically, bagels and cookies from Dunkin' Donuts.

They, however, are basically through with me.

Most days I drive to DD before dawn has cracked to buy a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and a cookie or two. Then I come home and eat them in front of the TV. I am not eating them consciously like Geneen Roth recommends. I am not eating in silence and enjoying the food. I am inhaling it and waiting for the sugar rush to hit.

I am craving carbs like there is no tomorrow, as if each meal is the last one on this planet. This is not a good thing. Some people eat a bagel like this every day and are fine. I'm more of a junkie, biding my time to the next carb fix.

I have to stop and refocus on what Roth has suggested in her books. It's time to eat slowly, without distractions. Time to taste the food and savor it. Plus, I am having big time weight issues.

My weight is up nine pounds in less than 2 weeks. I'm not quite sure how that is possible. A bagel a day and maybe a cookie do not add up to that much poundage. I know I need to get in more fruits and veggies. I know my intestinal tract is rather sluggish and it's not my period.

So I did a little Zumba today and the other day. I had a big salad for lunch. I bought some bagels from the store to stop the DD runs so that means no more cookies. I am still only getting a small frappe once a week. I no longer order out every other night. McDonald's is a place I go for salad instead of burgers.

But I still crave more, more carbs, more sweets. I have curtailed my diet a lot from all the crap I was eating before. Then again I was thinner when I was eating all that crap because the sugar was just running through me.

I need to ask myself what I am trying to fix with food. There's some messy stuff hidden there that needs to be dealt with. I need to do this soon before I go back to work, which is part of the issue. I'm still nervous but doing better because I know I still have weeks left before we start up again. I know I can do this.

I have to do this. My body needs me to get it healthy. I'd like to get off some of this medication. I'd like to start the scale moving in the right direction again. I want to buy smaller clothes. I miss my button-fly jeans!

Time to spend more time eating consciously and looking at the messy stuff.

Anonymity

2010-08-17T18:54:00.003-04:00

Many of you who read this blog know me IRL (in real life). You are old friends and new ones, Facebook pals, or people I work with. Others of you have no idea who I am but you come back to read my words nonetheless. Nowhere on this blog will you find my name or my face.

It's not because I am ashamed of what I write because I'm not.

It's for my own protection, if you will. I keep this blog anonymous to keep myself safe. It's a place I can go where I can write about anything and I do tend to write about whatever crosses my mind, whether it be fabulous, painful, honest or somewhere in between. Sometimes it's nothing at all and sometimes I feel like I've poured myself out for your reading pleasure, like pancake batter on a hot griddle.

I'm not famous or any more special than any of you. I just have the desire and need to write these things down. I like your comments when I've struck a chord. I fear your silence when I hear nothing. Sometimes it's as if I'm holding my breath, waiting to see how you will respond. It's not easy writing about some of the topics that I do, it is scary and worrisome. Yet I cannot stop myself.

Being anonymous in a sense is what allows me the freedom to be so spontaneous and open. Some of my friends have learned things about me through this blog that they did not already know. I share things here that I do not talk about with others.

For example, many of you do not know that I repeated the ninth grade. That particular year was a tough one for me. I spent part of that year in a mental hospital due to severe depression and a suicide attempt. When I was released from the hospital I went to a special school for students with severe emotional issues. I did no work there and at the beginning of the new school year I was back at the regular high school.

I basically was a smart girl all wrapped up in the midst of some pretty messy stuff. I repeated the ninth grade and redid the year that I had messed up. It was tough being a teenager with a past that everyone knew about. I had spent years being with certain classmates and now I had to start to make friends all over again. I was a freak of sorts and some people unkindly went out of their way to make sure I didn't forget that. But I survived and eventually thrived despite suffering with depression, battling an eating disorder, and trying to start over.

Here's something else a lot of people don't know: I graduated seventh in my high school class out of about 185 kids or so. Not too bad for a girl with a lot of messy stuff, huh?

Back at it

2010-08-16T19:24:00.004-04:00

Today I had to go to work so off I went. I wasn't sure how the day would go but it went better than expected. I learned the algorithms of the new math program. Surprisingly, it was easier than I thought. I still need to work on the multiplication and division but I'll get it.

I also saw my new, giant room. It's the old faculty room from a few years back and it has air conditioning. Air conditioning, people! That's a coup for someone with multiple sclerosis. It's also a double room with a folding partition in the middle. I cannot believe how much room I have. We also discussed where my SMART board is going to be placed. I love my SMART board. It's like an interactive white board/computer screen. Some people love them and some people hate them. I think it's a great tool to use in the classroom.

I have to work again tomorrow so I hope I can hold up for another day. I feel more positive about the new year ahead even though it's all new to me. I can do this, one step at a time.

By the way, did I mention that I'm psyched about my new room?

Not my words...

2010-08-15T20:23:00.002-04:00

The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you be.- William James

I just finished some Zumba and I think I'll be fabulous now! How about you?

Inner peace and outer calm

2010-08-14T19:28:00.003-04:00

Last night I talked with one of my best pals from college. Lola told me that I get crazy and nervous every year at this time. She built me up and made me laugh about my classroom worries. I went to bed and had a school dream but a good one. I don't remember what it was about but I woke up feeling utterly peaceful and positive about the new year.

Then I cleaned my sink this morning and there's something about scrubbing away the smudges with Comet that makes the whole world seem right. After that I cleaned the toilet, filled up a tire with low pressure, and now I am going to do the dishes that have piled up. Accomplishing small chores like these set my feng shui free to do its thing. There's something about cleaning up your space that helps to clean up your life.

I also ate cleaner today and my blood sugar was much better for it. I even felt better by eating healthier.

All around I am going to give myself an A+ for the day.

Talking the talk

2010-08-13T16:19:00.003-04:00

I've been talking a lot of rah-rah, woohoo pep talks to myself lately. The problem is that I am talking a good game but not walking the walk.

I have to admit something to you all. I am scared crapless about the new school year. My position was changed at the end of the school year, kind of out of the blue, and I am not happy about it.

Not one little bit.

Did you hear me, world?

I am NOT happy.

Instead I am a nervous wreck, worried about what I am going to do and how I am going to deal with it. The thing is even if I stayed in my old position there would be changes but at least I would be in my same little room with some of the same people. I like "sameness". I am very comfortable when I know what my limits and expectations are.

Now it is all different and it is freaking me out. I am overeating because that is what I do with stress when I don't know how to handle it. I want to let the feelings wash over me but for some reason I am a mess and I dived into a pizza today after an early morning Dunkin' Donuts run for a bagel and cookies. Yes, cookies, plural. I had a bagel and two big ole chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Then my sugar rose to the 350's. Dumb, dumb, dumb move.

I am afraid I am never going to learn the names of all 100+ kids in my classes. My MS makes my brain slower to learn stuff like that. I don't like to be at a disadvantage and knowing their names is power. There's nothing quite like trying to reprimand the kid in the blue striped shirt. Knowing his name is powerful.

I am not sure exactly what I am teaching yet. I have no set curriculum and I am not familiar with what goes on in this new grade. I am supposed to teach Math and ELA Enrichment, whatever that means. Thankfully the students do not know what that means either. Whew, that's a break in my favor.

We are also starting a new Math program which I am not trained in, yet I am supposed to support it in my classroom. I have some Math training coming up on Monday and Tuesday of next week. Sigh, that means it is almost time to go back to school and I mentioned earlier that that scares me crapless.

I don't want to have to change but I must. There is no school fairy that is coming to sprinkle me with her academic dust that will make my worries go away.

I don't WANT to do this but I am going to put on my big girl panties and do it anyway. I'll let you know how it all goes...

Into the light

2010-08-12T16:01:00.004-04:00

In college, several states away from home, I was very sick with bulimia. There I started real therapy for the first time in my life. I was slightly hopeful. Maybe then someone could see the good in me.

At one time I was so ill I had to go to the college infirmary every day for vitals. Every morning I dutifully showed up. I was a good girl underneath all the "badness". I did as I was told.

Eventually the therapy helped me to realize I wasn't worthless. I never took meds there for depression but that improved also. I got better with someone believing in me.

When I was doing better, years later, the bulimia came under control. Eventually I stopped all the pills and the purging. I went from throwing up every night to nights where I could eat and retain the food like a normal person. I didn't have to excuse myself to go purge any more. I put on some weight once I stopped the bulimia, not much, but I remember my mother saying I looked pregnant. I was so hurt because my family knew of my bulimia but ignored it. They were good at ignoring big problems and making me feel bad about myself.

Now I see a new life, a better one. One not filled with so much anger. One where I can let lots of the past go.

This new life is a strange one. Part of it is better living through pharmaceuticals, part of it is better living through ten years of intense therapy, part of it is self-acceptance, wisdom, and self-love. A lot of it is personal growth.

If I can overcome depression and bulimia, I can overcome anything. If I can adjust to life with multiple sclerosis, I can learn to deal with diabetes. I can learn to control my weight instead of letting it control me.

It's time for the real me to shed the extra weight and let my light shine.