Saturday, July 31, 2010

Feeling and not feeding

Today I stepped a little outside of my comfort zone and went to a party at a friend from high school's house. I haven't seen him for about twenty years, except for on Facebook which is how the whole party got started. First off, I am shy. Honestly I am. Most people don't know that but I prefer to stay out of the spotlight. I prefer to hide rather than shine. I prefer to feed instead of feel.

What does that mean?

Well, I've mentioned before how I use weight to separate myself from others. Being fat allows you to exist on the fringe of society. People see me, but they don't really see me. Instead they see flesh, poundage, rolls. They can focus on my looks and not focus on what lurks beneath. If they are looking at my fatness then they are not able to see what the Inner Voice talks about: how I am selfish, lazy, unlovable... I listen to those words and cringe and feed.

But not today, not so much.

Today I grabbed my fruit tray and traveled with my trusty and reliable friend BJM to our friend's house. I tried not to worry about the way I looked and who would be there. When it was time to eat I did not gorge myself because I was feeling uncomfortable. I felt the feelings and smiled and listened and occasionally talked. I ate appropriately and did not come home and binge. I shut down the Voice for a while.

Sometimes silence is golden.

Friday, July 30, 2010


"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." - Diane Ackerman

This quote defines what most of us do, live the length and miss out on all the good stuff along the way. The good stuff used to mean food but I am now coming awake to the world again. Using your senses and living, really living, and revelling in the world is a fantastic thing. It's what babies do. They explore their environment bit by bit and learn how exciting each new day is with a new set of eyes.

It's time I did the same.

Today I noticed how wonderful it felt to complete little chores I needed to do. I noticed the breeze on my skin and hair as I drove with the windows down in the car. I smelled the pork tenderloin I was actually cooking, for once, in the kitchen. I talked with BJM on the phone and made plans to attend a party with friends tomorrow.

It used to be that my only solace and joy was found in whatever food I could dive into the fastest. I focused my life on the size of my thighs and the amount of cookies I could gobble down. I listened to the Inner Voice and allowed it to consume me as I consumed food with haste.

It is hard to change a lifestyle one has held on to for over 30 years. It begins with small steps, little changes such as telling yourself that you are beautiful because of your smile, that you are intelligent beyond what others know and that is all right, that you are kind and a good listener, even though I can talk quite a bit. I am not so bad.

Did you hear that, Inner Voice?

There are some people out there who think I am rather fabulous and it's about time I did so, as well.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Making choices

When I choose not to eat consciously and without the television, I find myself overeating, putting way too much food inside me. I did this this morning eating a bagel with cream cheese, a cookie, and a small frappe for breakfast. What the heck was I thinking? I guess you could say I wasn't thinking. I was just looking to fill a hole that has been there since I was little. I was hungry for food but for something else, as well.

I want to rebel against the guidelines that have been set before me. I want to eat more carbs than I am supposed to, I want to eat more food than I am supposed to. I am what Geneen Roth calls a Permitter and boy, do I fit that description to a T. I want to throw out the rules and live and let live. The problem is that in doing so I am slowly killing myself. I mean how many health-related problems does a woman have to have before she cries enough?

Part of the permitter syndrome is falling prey to the Inner Voice I mentioned before. The Voice that says, "You're fat, unlovable, unworthy, selfish, dumb..." To shut the Voice down you can either stuff it down with food or feel the feelings behind it. This morning I chose to stuff it down.

Feeling the feelings behind the false beliefs of the Voice is tough stuff. I feel so much better when I choose to eat with no T.V., chewing thoughtfully, feeling and tasting the food. It's so much tastier and satisfying when you slow down and enjoy your eating. So why am I not doing it all the time?

I must remind myself that I am better than being a woman with type-two diabetes, high blood pressure, and sleep apnea. I deserve more than that. I can get my weight under control and must do so. In doing that I can start to control those things that I just mentioned. I can beat back the Inner Voice. I can eat consciously and I enjoy doing so. I just need to do these positive moves more often.

It's all about making choices. I hope yours are good ones.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Another number

Yesterday I went to see the diabetes nurse educator. It was a great visit and I learned the basics of diabetes and how to test my blood sugar levels. The first reading there was 354. That's a bit too high but it could be worse. Since then I have been testing twice a day and my numbers have been in the 200's. That's an improvement but there's still lots more room to go.

The DNE also doubled my Metformin to 2000 mg and added in Glipizide 5 mg twice a day. More pills to take but if it makes me healthier I am all for it. If you could see my "pill bottle shelves" you might be amazed that someone so short has enough room to ingest all the meds lined up there.

My new numbers I actually DO need to focus on are 100 and 140. If I could get my blood sugar levels there I would be doing a fabulous job. 100 is the number (or somewhere around there) where I should generally be and less than 140 about two hours after a meal. It's something to shoot for in the near future.

Today was my Tysabri infusion and I went in in kind of a funk. I had a headache but after the infusion I came right home and tumbled into bed for a two-hour nap. Thankfully tomorrow is a day with no doctors or nurses. I can sleep in and get my exercise done before a relaxing shower.

I wanted to pick up another Geneen Roth book today but I was just too wiped out to make it to the book store. I think I might look them up on Amazon and order them from there.

Tomorrow I have dinner out with some friends and Saturday is another BBQ with other friends. Some fun times ahead.

Still trying to focus on conscious eating. I discovered that there are some things in my apartment that I don't really like eating at all and I threw them away. How cool is that? I also find it difficult to eat in silence. I crave having the idiot box on while I eat. I guess some bad habits are hard to break. Thank goodness I am working on making some good ones.

Monday, July 26, 2010

The number

"It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale." (Geneen Roth)

That statement is absolutely true so why the heck do we buy into the scam? We live and sometimes die by the number on a scale. We're embarrassed by it, rejoice in it,or hide from it. A number. One number.

I know that when I follow the healthy guidelines put forth in Roth's book, I feel better. Physically feel better, mentally feel better... I slow down and think about what I am eating, why I am eating, and how I am eating. I now eat with no outside disturbance, no television to numb my pain or pass the minutes as I used to stuff the food down. Now I focus and breathe and do not punish myself for a number.

Do I want my number to go down? You betcha. I don't know what my final number will be. I do know what doctors' charts suggest and what Weight Watchers advises for my height. However, will I ever be a mere 100 pounds again? Not likely, because even when I was bulimic I weighed a little more than that. I've never been naturally thin. I have self-medicated with food or been quieted down with food since I was a toddler.

How can that be? One of my earliest memories was living with my grandparents and crying for my mother who was not home at the time. Apparently I would not shut up. I remember my grandfather yelling at my grandmother to shut me up. She rushed into the room with candy for me, little pieces that needed individual wrappers taken off. I recall quieting down and stuffing down the feeling of being alone, feeling abandoned and lonely. That was probably the start.

I remember being a chubby little girl, a moon face with big cheeks and pig-tails. I used to eat Oscar Mayer weiners raw from the fridge and at times I ate little bowls full of mayonaise. Who does that? How is that okay for a little girl?

I also remember later, maybe around aged five, living with my parents in a trailer. I often did not want to eat all my dinner. I would stuff food in my ample cheeks and go to the bathroom to spit out the offending mess. I would also stuff it into my napkin and, even more sneakily, I would chew food and mash it underneath the table around little ledges that were there.

I also remember times when I would sit at the table until my meal was done, being forced to eat everything on my plate. No wonder I later developed an eating disorder. People often say that ED's are not about food, but they are about the food just as much as the other reasons for having them. I learned to overeat, to eat unhealthily, to eat everything that was in front of me. We can get into that another time.

Today I just want to remind people that a number is just digits strung together. It's not your heart, your soul, your enchanting qualities, your wacky sense of humor. It's just not and that's the way it is.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Happy almost two year anniversary!

This morning I went back to my very first blog post and reread it. I was so smug then, thinking I had such important things to write about, such a good sense of humor, and a somewhat decent grasp of the English language. This is what I wrote at the end of that post:

I recall some saying out there that explains that giving a voice to or shining a light on a problem that is bothering you ends up diminishing that very same problem. So here's my chance, time to share my messy stuff and by the end it shouldn't look so bad after all.

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Wow, who knew I was going to delve so deep into life with MS and life that doesn't revolve around MS? I had written so much about my journey with multiple sclerosis at the beginning that I never dreamt I would one day be not writing about it. I'm in remission and doing fine on Tysabri, especially now that we have the payment thing supposedly under control.

Who knew I would write about a new diagnosis, diabetes? I never imagined that I would end up diabetic until a few months ago when I began drinking tons of water, peeing my life away during the day, and watching my eyesight grow hazy as I tried to read aloud to my class. It's okay to be dealing with another disease. It really is; 'tis better to be dealt with than to let it run amok with sugar dripping out of me at an alarming rate. Next up on deck: the diabetes nurse educator on Tuesday.

I've written about work and family and mistreating myself. Now I turn the lens inward again to focus on weight and health. I am not healthy. I am obese. It pains me to say it, t0 type it. Some of you knew me when I was thin and fit, but I wasn't healthy then either. It was all a facade while I purged and ran and took diet pills and laxatives. I was a full-on bulimic for many years, starting in high school and carrying me through college.

I remember "beating" bulimia for the first time after I graduated from college. I had put on ten pounds and my mother accosted me and asked me if I was pregnant. Yes, I was rounder but still slender. Her remark cut me to the core. I was devastated and hurt. I left her house and moved in with my soon-to-be-betrothed shortly after. A huge mistake but one that tried to serve as a protective measure at the time.

That was part of what led me to gaining weight, lots of weight. A hundred pounds! I gained a small person; I gained what I should weigh at five feet tall. I gained the weight until I was suffering underneath it. I am now at a place where there is nowhere to go but down or up. My option is down.

Time to rage against the Inner Voice (this comes from Geneen Roth). The Voice that tells me that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough, not enough... The Voice that has held me hostage for many years and kept me cuckolded into thinking that I don't deserve health, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve just being the wonderful me that I am.

I vote for health, for love, for appreciation, for satisfaction, for excellence. It's time to tell the Voice that it is wrong, even if it takes me a million times. It's time to eat consciously with pleasure and for a real taste of food. It's time to lift my head up and say, "No more." It's time to gird myself for the battle of my life for this is a war that has to be won.

I hope that you continue to come along as I fight this battle. It could get ugly, but not any uglier than the non-truths I tell myself on the continuous loop in my head.


I am fabulous and kind and intelligent.

I am going to become the me that I have been holding back because I have been scared of going up against all the awful labels.

I am ready world so you better watch out!

Saturday, July 24, 2010


I just ate a yogurt, a raspberry cheesecake low-fat one. No biggie, right? Except it was a BIG deal, a HUGE deal if you are inhabiting my body.

I have almost finished reading Geneen Roth's latest book called Women Food and God. And no, there is not a parentheses in the title. It's been both a struggle and an eye-opener for me.

Back to the yogurt, though...

I experienced the yogurt like I've never done before. Yep, I ate it but I felt it and smelled it and savored it and focused on it. I actually turned the TV off while I was eating. That's a biggie for me right there. Then there was the ten-minute process of experiencing the yogurt. Yes, ten minutes. You read that correctly.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I was in the moment and conscious of what I was eating. I was feeding myself something I wanted and taking the time to enjoy it. I felt the texture and the little seedlings that make you think of raspberries. I smelled the yogurt before I even started eating it, felt the silky texture as it glided past teeth and over tongue and down my throat. I thought of my poor esophagus that I mistreated for years when I threw up after almost every meal. I thought about the mistreatment of my body by my own self through food.

There is a line in the book that made me say, "Wow, that is me, too." It's from a letter written to the author after one of her retreats.

The letter writer states,"I keep people out and one of the main ways I do that is by eating."

That is me to a T. I eat for lots of reasons and for a variety of emotions. I eat because I am lonely, I eat because I am alone, I eat because I am a bundle of nerves about my new job, I eat because I feel that I am not enough. I eat to fill up the space between my feelings and the reality.

I eat because I am sick, I eat because I feel good. I eat and eat and eat and it's somehow never enough. The eating isn't the answer but it's not not the answer either. It's time to slow down and rethink my relationship with food. I might finally be able to throw the door open and shine a torch on the dark spaces inside that I've kept hidden. It might just be time for the messy stuff to come out.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Weigh in

I did manage to lose a teensy, tiny bit of weight on Tuesday. That's a miracle because I had been up on my scale at home. I talked to the leader after the meeting and she told me to start getting protein with every meal, so that is my goal for the week. I threw myself off the wagon today and had a frappe. It was tasty but so not worth it. Sigh... drink and learn.

Edison the wonder kitty jumped up on the counter last night and knocked down his bottle of antibiotics. I cannot find the bottle anywhere so he gets a two-day pass on those meds. He still is taking his liquid ABX because he cannot open the fridge yet. Or can he? LOL

My meds are kicking in so I'll be logging off now.

Monday, July 19, 2010


Today's post is a ditto on the checks from yesterday.

Weigh in tomorrow night and I am praying for a decrease.

Hope you're doing well!

Sunday, July 18, 2010


Zumba today: Check!

Healthy food choices: Check!

No fast food or frappes: Check!

Fruits and veggies: Check!

These are the kind of checks I love writing.

Zumba is such great medicine for me because I always feel better after Beto has worked me into a sweat. Somehow that man can coax a smile out of me after 50 minutes of dancing around. Way to go me!

Weigh in is on Tuesday night and I am hoping for a loss this week. I've had my ups and downs and too many Vitamuffins with fiber (and paid that price). Pushing the fruits and veggies to clear me out, so to speak. Sorry for the TMI.

Edison is doing well and taking his ABX like a real champ. He's on two of them so that's four times a day when I have to stalk him. He's getting his energy back and I am hoping this was just a freak health issue. He's also been a real love bug, snuggling up to me during naps and such. He's so sweet and has hardly tried to bite me at all.

Happy end to the weekend,

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Too hot to trot... but I did sprinkle

I was a somewhat busy girl today because I was "helping" to make the cookies at BJM's house. She and her mom were making Italian cookies for BJM's nephew's graduation. The cookie making is quite a production. They don't just make cookies, people. They MAKE lots and lots of cookies, hundreds and hundreds of them.

My job is the official sprinkler. BJM's mom puts the frosting on them and then I go to work. It's a fine line between too many sprinkles and just right. I am the only non-family outsider who is allowed to participate in the cookie making. It's quite an honor and I'm not kidding.

It was hot again today and I was sweating like a pig (do pigs sweat?). I swear I sweat more than anyone else I know. It starts with my hair and before you know it, I have no semblance of a hairstyle within a few minutes. It's just uncomfortable when it's anywhere near 80 degrees and humidity wipes me out. I am spending lots of time in my bedroom bat cave with the air conditioning on.

No exercise today. I'll try to get some Zumba going on tomorrow as Tuesday is my first weigh in for Weight Watchers.

Happy weekend,

Friday, July 16, 2010


This will be a short post because my meds will be kicking in soon. I did much better with the WW plan today and I did some walking too. I also finally did the dishes that have been piling up, one of my nemisis cleaning chores.

Making cookies tomorrow with BJM!

Edison is doing better and he's had his meds today.

Today I also doubled the Metformin. Off to the diabetes nurse educator next Tuesday.

Happy weekend to all,

Thursday, July 15, 2010

WW winners and losers

I started Weight Watchers with a meeting on Tuesday night. I fell off the wagon hard yesterday afternoon. Heck, I might have even jumped right off the wagon. I had to bring my kitten, Edison, to the vet's and he was hospitalized. That brought back some rough feelings about my Franklin, who was sick and had to be put down in November.

I did much better today. I went over points but I wrote down everything I ate and I ate less than I normally do with no fast food or frappes! I also grocery shopped at 3 a.m. and loaded up on healthy foods and fruits and veggies.

No exercise yesterday or today so I need to slide some in tomorrow.

I also got my hair cut today and scheduled a pedicure for August, a back-to-school pedi. The appointment is now scheduled for my diabetes nurse educator for next Tuesday. Then the blood letting and carb counting can begin.

Baby steps, that seems to be what I need right now.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Diving in...

I worked out again today with Beto (the instructor) doing a new Zumba workout. By the time I was finished I had sweat rolling off me and a big smile plastered on my face. I actually wanted to work out this afternoon! Can you believe that? A year ago the thought would never have entered my mind.

After showering (and dressing) I went off to Wal-Mart. Time to buy a new scale. I got on it and weighed the same as I did at the doctor's office on Thursday. This being despite the fact that I drank a ton of water and a last forbidden frappe today. And it's a little humid; I just feel fatter than normal in my clothes.

At the post office I got some great news in the mail. I've been dueling verbally with the insurance company and my Tysabri infusion center. I have been getting charged each month for the infusions when I should have only paid a set amount long ago. Yesterday the infusion center talked to the insurance company and the insurance people admitted that they had a mistake! I got all new EOBs today showing I owe much less than what they said I did. Awesome news for me.

Well, it's time for me to leave for the Weight Watchers meeting. I have to start somewhere and there's nowhere to go but down with my weight!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Just Danced and other revelations...

Okay, I have exercised two days in a row! Woot woot! Tonight I turned on my Wii and did my Just Dance game for a half hour. Maybe that doesn't seem like much but I was sweating and it was fun which is what movement should be. If it's torture, who would do it?

I have also made a second decision. I am not going to purchase the Nutrisystem Diabetic plan. Instead I am going to start Weight Watchers again. I did it before and I can do it again. One of my friends might join with me which would be great for the companionship and we'd have someone to complain to who was in the same situation.

I'm wondering if my blood sugar levels are making me feel mentally wonkier than I normally am. I seem to forget lots of stuff, even stuff I've just been told. I'm hoping that it's not my MS acting up and affecting me cognitively. I need those brains in my head to be working correctly!

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Positive step forward

I spent most of the day reading and sleeping but I did get up and finally threw in the Zumba DVD. Beto and I danced and exercised through the Cardio Party and we both ended up sweaty and smiling by the time we were done. I feel soooooooo GOOD! I need to do this more often and I was exercising regularly for several months until I hit a wall right after the MS Walk in May.

Around that time I discovered I had a UTI and I thought that was what was making me feel so lousy. Then I had another UTI in June. I still felt cruddy and had no energy. I would come home and nap right away, thinking it was the infections and my MS. Now I know that it was probably the diabetes ramping up. That must be what had been making my eyesight fuzzy the last few months, as well.

So now it's summer and we just had a terrible heat wave in which I did nothing but hang out in my bedroom in the air-conditioning. I must get back to doing some sort of exercise on a regular basis. Maybe not Zumba every day but walking or some of my Wii Just Dance or Cardio Boxing. Moving does feel good.

I'm also debating on whether I should try the Nutrisystem Plan for Diabetics. It's pricey but it's all set up for people like me, who are lazy and could care less about cooking. Anyone have any ideas about that? You still have to supplement with fruits and veggies and such but it's for diabetics and it could make my life easier.

No frappes today but I still need fruits and veggies. Baby steps, life won't be perfect all at once.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Day three, a setback but still movement forward

Today is day three with diabetes and I made a piss-poor choice. I drove myself headfirst into a medium caramel frappe after having a horrible night. This may be TMI (too much information) so be forewarned, folks. I have my period and I have been bleeding heavily. So heavily that last night I was bleeding through a super plus tampon and a pad every few hours. It was awful. I was thinking about going to the hospital if it didn't slow down but it eventually did later on today.

I was tired, worn out and frazzled. I got dressed and drove down to McD's and got myself a frappe and I drank it and went back to sleep. I ended up sleeping most of the day away and waking up feeling awful. I had a yogurt and felt a little better. Then it was off to the shower and on to the grocery store. I tried to get more protein choices: some marinated pork tenderloins, veggie burgers, turkey bacon, and turkey hot dogs. I hardly ever eat meat so this was a big step for me. I also have some egg beaters to use for breakfasts.

So I stepped back for a frappe and forward to protein choices and some more fruits (strawberries and fresh pineapple chunks) and veggies (some cukes). I find that I feel better when I eat good food and make positive choices.

Thanks for all your positive comments and thanks for reading!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day two as a diabetic

I am a diabetic. I am also obese. I need to work on both of those things and together they will bring me to a healthier me. I like the sound of that and the visualization of being healthy, smaller, and strong.

I do not think I will be model thin. I know I will not grow tall as I am a whisper below five feet. I do believe that I may end up taking a long time to get to a healthier weight. I am okay with that; it's a process, a journey of sorts that I need to go on for myself.

My mother likes to remind me that I am obese. It's not as if I am able to forget that. I know the size I wear, know that I cannot cross my legs, know that sometimes I am squished into a movie seat or restaurant booth. I am making a goal of losing ten pounds between now and when school starts in September. I may lose more, I may lose less. I have never been a diabetic on a diet. This is all a new ballgame for me.

My food choices need to be more conscious along with being healthier. That won't be overnight, again it will be another process. Today I ate two servings of fruit and a few servings of veggies. That's an improvement for me. I drank lots of water again. I stayed away from the frappes for a second day. I am celebrating the small victories.

I also started taking my Glucophage/Metformin today. Another pill (and then eventually two) to add to my arsenal. I know that when I do get to that healthier body within, I will be able to take less pills overall. I'd love to sleep throughout the night without my CPAP. I'd love to be strong enough to run again and have some muscles where there is only fat now.

Day two as a diabetic has been enlightening instead of frightening. I can deal with this. I am dealing with this, bit by bit.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Learning to fight the big D

I got a call yesterday from the doctor's office that my sugar had been high again and they wanted me to come in today to discuss the lab results. I had a 9 a.m. appointment and heard the news that I had been expecting; indeed, I am a diabetic. My glucose tested at 300 the first time (non-fasting) and 299 after fasting and my AIc level was 10.8. At that point there was no doubt that this was prediabetes or just a mistaken, freak reading. I am a diabetic.

I am now arming myself with knowledge. I did it when I geared up to fight MS; I have to do the same to beat down another disease. At the bookstore I picked up Diabetes for Dummies and Geneen Roth's Women Food and God. It's no secret to anyone who knows me in real life, that I have issues with food. I'm not going to "sugarcoat" my weight and say that I am a little chunky; I am plain old obese and it's time to start taking my power back.

I mentioned Geneen Roth's book because I think that woman is a genius. She's someone who has battled food and weight demons like I have. She's been obese and she's been underweight. She now has a healthy relationship with food and I am interested to see how the God angle gets worked in there. I have some God issues that I need to clear up for myself, as well.

I made some small strides today. No caramel frappe for one, I know it's not good for me even if I have still been losing weight while I have been making unhealthy choices. I had more water instead. That is one good thing I have working in my favor; I drink a lot of water and this heat wave has made me drink even more.

Once this ridiculous heat wave breaks then I can feel comfortable enough to get more exercise in. Let's face it, I have almost two more months off before school starts and I can do some serious damage in this fight against diabetes through exercise, better and more conscious eating, and the use of my Glucophage (the diabetes fighting drug my M.D. has prescribed). No insulin, just pills for now.

I'm off to wage war against diabetes and I will get this under control. I have faith in me.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's getting hot in here!

I live in the Northeast which happens to be hotter right now than some places in the deep South. I am not a fan of the heat, nor the humidity that is coming with it at the moment. Most MSers don't tolerate heat well but some do. I'm just not one of them.

So I've taken to my bat cave aka my apartment and I have been drinking copious amounts of water and sitting in front of the fan or upstairs in my air-conditioned bedroom. The air conditioning just went in last night thanks to BJM's hubby. He is the heavy-lifter when I need someone like that. Thank goodness for friends and their husbands!

Up early this morning to give blood for the diabetes testing. The nurse was so good with my vein that I didn't even feel the stick. I should have results in a few days. I'll keep you updated.

That's all for now as my meds are kicking in and I am fading fast... Stay cool everyone!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th and Happy July!

Today is America's birthday and my first post for July. I'm watching some made-for-TV movie, okay more like listening to it while I type away. I've had one solid week off from school and I have done nothing more than to read and sleep the time away with an occasional trip out and about to run errands.

I did have my latest Tysabri infusion on Friday, a sort of pre-4th of July celebration. After my infusion I went out with my colleague and friend, Mary, and we enjoyed a fattening lunch at Friendly's, along with a trip to Kohl's for some bloomers and other things for me, and a trip to the store I covet, Hobby Lobby. I was picking up some stickers and marked down papers to create my luau scrapbook of my last 5th grade class's (what else?) luau.

I have had two school dreams/frightmares in the last few days. Usually I don't have those until sometime late in August. I am reading some novels I'll be using in class so maybe that's prompted the dreams. Of course, this reading is in between my summer fun reading of magazines and chick lit.

Have I mentioned that I might have diabetes? If I did already, I apologize. My memory of the past is crystal clear but I can tell you the same story twice in ten minutes and not realize it. My last blood test (from a few months ago) showed a high glucose level so I am going on Tuesday to have a second test done for my A1C level. That will be the clincher as to whether I am diabetic or not. I have had issues that mimic diabetes for a few months so I am not entirely surprised by this new journey to a diagnosis (or not).

I don't drink much at work because I can't get to the bathroom on my own schedule.I do, however, drink a lot at home. I also pee a lot and wake up at night to urinate as well. I also noticed at work a few months ago some problems with my eyesight getting blurry at times. I also keep getting UTIs which can be another sign of diabetes. So if I am a type-2 diabetic, it will not come as a complete surprise out of left field. It just means I really need to get my $hit together as far as eating and exercise goes.

Let's face it, it's not healthy to be a good 75 pounds overweight and I know that. I also know that I adore the new McD's caramel frappe and fresh cut pineapple (no, not together). I enjoy Zumba when I do it but I also enjoy my frequent naps. It's all a matter of balance. Eat less and move more and maybe IF I am diabetic I can make it go away by getting control of my body.

Maybe I'll need to change the title of the blog or start a new one... I am dealing well with the MS and am in remission. I have dealt with a lot of messy stuff but there is more still to deal with. If there weren't, I wouldn't be overweight. But right this moment I feel blessed to be alive, to be as healthy as I am, and to live in this great country.

Happy birthday America, land that I love!